Dreams of what could be
It has already been a week since I crushed my boy with the bread. One week since I saw the light leave his beautiful, clear blue eyes. I was so stupid. I lay here now on the moving train, wishing I could have handled the situation differently. I wish I could have said the right thing, like Peeta does. Peeta always says the right thing. If the situation was reversed he would have corrected everything the same second with his wise words, but I am not him. I do not know what to say. What do you say to a boy whom you have broken his heart and now you want him back? I am so unskilled and inexperienced when it comes to relationships and boys. Gale is nothing but a friend. I realize that now. Any other kind of relationship with Gale is just repulsive to think of. But Peeta, I don't think that I cannot have him in my life.
Our romance was not all an act, or maybe it wasn't at all. I have never been a good actress. I vaguely remember my teacher in the mandatory fine arts class that I was the worst actor after my father. I am not good at being something I am not, including being in love. I think Peeta has awoken some part of me that I didn't know existed. I did not need to kiss him all those times in the arena. Yes it got us some sponsors, but I bet Haymitch could have helped us out some way. No, I wanted to kiss Peeta. Especially after that one special kiss in the cave. That one stirred something up in my stomach and made me long for more. I'm certain no one else has ever or could ever make me feel that way. We have always been connected since that fateful day in the rain years ago.
"Peeta, Katniss, get up and stretch your legs" Effie squawked down the hall, "We've stopped for fuel again." This is my chance to make things better with Peeta.
I get off of my bed and walk out of my door. I look down the hallway to see Effie's retreating form, but no sight of Peeta. He must still be in his room. I stop at the door across from mine and knock lightly. The door opens quickly and there stands Peeta and his mesmerizing blue eyes.
"Um, we stopped for fuel again," I say lamely. Peeta leans on the doorway, "Yeah I heard." He looks tired. There are definite circles under his eyes. There is an awkward silence between us as I struggle to find the right words to use.
Two avoxes shuffle past us. They spare us a glance but continue on. I turn back to Peeta, "Can we talk in private,"? Peeta nods and gestures for me to take the lead. As I begin walking I try to think of a place on the train could be private. But everything is probably bugged since I pissed President Snow off. "Let's go outside," I say and Peeta follows me out of the train. I take in my surroundings and see wheat fields and realize that we must be close to district eleven. Rue's district. I feel a pain in my chest as I think of my dead friend. So young and innocent.
"Are you thinking about Rue?" Peeta asks. I nod. He knows how to read me. "I don't think I ever got to say how sorry I am that you lost her." Peeta continues. I look straight into his blue eyes. "You don't need to say sorry Peeta." I say. We stand around in silence for a moment and feel the breeze around us.
"What did you want to talk about Katniss?" Peeta finally breaks the silence. I take a deep breath to gather the courage I need to admit my feeling for this boy.
"Well, I wanted to talk about us." I said fiddling with the hem of my t-shirt. " What about us?" Peeta questions. Here goes nothing.
"I wanted to apologize for what went down between us a few days ago. I shouldn't have made you think that I,"
"You don't have to apologize Katniss. I should have known better that you couldn't have fallen in love with me in two weeks. It was stupid of me." Peeta interrupts me.
I shake my head, "No Peeta, I wasn't saying that. I am trying to tell you that I figured it out."
"You figured what out?" Peeta takes a step closer to me, confused. I take another deep breath.
"You told me to tell you when I figured out if our romance was an act or not, and it's not. It never was. I realized that I need to be with you in any way possible because you are my hope Peeta. You have been my hope and salvation since we were eleven years old and you gave me that burnt bread and saved my family, and then the dandelion the next day." I begin to cry.
"Dandelion," Peeta shakes his head in more confusion but I continue.
"The point is that you gave me hope and that is something that I have not felt since my father died, and that scares me. My father's death and the way my mother abandoned us hurt me to my very core. I have tried so hard not to feel hopeful due to a person or love or to depend on anybody. But ever since that day in the rain I developed feelings for you. You can't forget the person who saved your life. Then in the arena those feelings grew and that scares the crap out of me and that's why it was so hard for me to confess those feeling to you the other day. I don't know if it has gotten to love yet but I know that I would be broken if I dint have you in my life."
Peeta's face turns from confusion and surprise to one of understanding.
"I can't make sense of these feeling. I have never been here before and I don't know how to work this. But I want to try with you. All I know for certain is that I care deeply for you and I want to see where it leads." I finish and wipe the tears from my face. That was more than I have ever said to anyone. I probably still didn't let everything out but it was more than I ever thought I could get out to someone while looking them in the eye.
Peeta looks in deep thought. I begin to get nervous. I hate the silence. It seems endless. He continues to process what I have told him but says nothing. An uncomfortable feeling washes over me. Rejection?
"I understand if you don't want me. I put you through so much." I mumble and look down at my feet. I hear a shuffling on the ground and hear Peeta give out a humorless chuckle.
"Katniss, I was drawing hearts around your name before I could write my own." He lifts up my chin with his hand, "How could you think I would not want you?" I gaze into his eyes. They are so clear and blue and they pierce through me. For a moment it is like he can see my very soul and the look sends a shiver through me.
"The fact that you opened up to me and admitted that you care for is more than enough to make me go over the moon. I know how hard this for you, this is new for me as well. But we can do this together." He assures me and I smile. Peeta always knows the right thing to say.
"So are we together then," I ask. "Are we like a couple?"
Peeta smiles, "Well I want to be, do you?" I nod. He takes my face in both his hands and leans in.
"Kiss me, Peeta. No cameras, no capital, no act. Just me and you. Kiss me." I whisper, and he does. This kiss. This kiss is truly our, igniting a fire like never before.