A/N: Plot bunnies. The ultimate gift and curse to us fanfiction writers. I just so happened to be watching an episode of Bones, freaking wicked show, and it was about underground fighting rings. And me, being the Bleach crazed fangirl I was, came up with the most cliché pairing yet weirdly influenced plot . For those who have read the book I sort of based this off of, well really did, never you mind. I highly doubt many have read the book anyway and I can't remember the title at the moment. But! This will be entertaining and don't worry, there will be sex. XD I'm a yaoi fangirl after all.

Disclaimer: No own Bleach or the book that inspired this. Or anything really. I do own my plot bunnies and this lappytop. Which I love. =3

You see, everything you know about vampires is a myth.

Yes, a myth.

To you, vampires are scary creatures who have super human speed, devilishly handsome or beautiful looks, pale skin, an unfortunate affinity for turning to dust in the sunlight and are able to cleanly and efficiently eat a meal while still managing to keep blood stains off their clothes.

These are lies.

True, we greatly dislike sunlight, too much can kill us, but it doesn't vaporize us instantly like a lazer beam. Though a lazer probably would turn us to dust.

As it would you.

True, we have pale skin but that, as you know, can happen to any human who has wiled away way too many hours in their parents basememt playing pointless RPG's. Yes, you may rank in the top ten players of the world but when was your last date?

Oh, I'd say never.

But the fact stands is that we are not super fast, beautiful/handsome or able to eat cleanly.

Do you know what the average speed of arterial blood spray is? No?

Well, neither do I.

I just know it's fast.

Anyway, back to my point.

Vampires are really very sickly and harmless people. We suffer from a virus that infects us much like HIV and then it turns into AIDS. Only it isn't transmitted sexually. Usually.

The only way to spread the 'Vampire Virus' is to bite another person, mix our saliva with another's blood.

That's when the party really starts.

Twenty-four hours of pain, minimum. And not the 'Ow I just stubbed my toe' kind. The 'DEAR GOD KILL ME NOW EVEN WITH CORKSCREWS AND DRILLS TO PARTS OF MY BODY THAT I"D RATHER KEEP' kind. Sorry about the caps. Just thought it would get my point across.

I myself endured thirty-eight hours of agony which I am not proud to say. Sometimes I wish I would have died. Actually most of the time.

But, back to the sickly part.

Vampires are sickly creatures you should take pity on because, even if we did want to attack a human and spread our misfortune we couldn't. A human could over power a single vampire easily. That is, if the vampire wasn't regularly eating humans. In that case, running would be your best bet even if that human in question would be eaten unless said vampire had eaten recently. In that case, mosey on down the street with nothing to fear until the vampire was hungry again.

But really, we prefer to not bring about this most unfortunate disease to our former fellows. Sulking in houses that have been sun-proofed writing science fiction/romance novels or making pottery.

That last part was a joke. Who does pottery? Really? The kiln wouldn't do us any good anyway.

And there I went, rambling and ranting. It's a wonder people even by my books. But then, they aren't filled with ranting just lots of plot.

Which I should get to, shouldn't I?

I'm Ichigo Kurosaki, a vampire like the ones I described above. Sickly, messy eater, and pasty skin. I write romance/action/science fiction novels about a sexy male vampire who saves the world one bad guy at a time. Which is a load of shit.

But hey, it sells.

And I fancy my alter ego, Ogichi Shirotakane, as my kick ass opposite. He stars in my novel series, Nights Bathed In Blood, as a vampire superhero who refrains from eating humans and instead eats animals.

Oh, I believe I forgot to mention that the staple diet or vampires are guinea pigs or rabbits. Yeah, our rodents are easier to subdue and devour with our nasty fangs. Which are really just slightly elongated canines that are sharper than your average tooth. Though it is still quite messy, blood squirting everywhere before you can latch your mouth on.

But there is always the faint urge to drink human blood, it never goes away completely. Unless you've mastered controlling the urge for centuries. Literally.

So now I'm in the weekly meeting of the V.A.E.H. or Vampires Against Eating Humans. Yeah, not the most inspired title. Most ironic of all, we had the meeting in a church.

FYI, churchs don't affect us since we are merely diseased humans, like lepers. Though we do have an aversion for galic but it can't do more than nauseate us. Oh, and we never age. Something about stopping the aging process with chemicals and things in the brain, a rewiring of sorts.

At the meeting, we discuss whatever the hell the president wants to talk about, mostly how well we are doing getting used to our new lifestyle, meaning being a hemovore, and adjusting to the new changes we had to make.

Lots of complaining all around, no surprise, while I just sat sullenly with a scowl and ignored the rest of them.

There were about to take attendance when the lone girl of the group, some Orihime chick, looked around and raised her hand.

"Yes Orihime?" The vice president, Chad Sado the only human associated with us, asked. He was the one who provided us with our meals on wheels you could say. He breed rabbits and guinea pigs, delivering them to us when we needed a meal. Which is about every day, three depending on if the need to feed has to be held off.

Something I should explain is that every vampire eventually goes through what we call a 'Blooding'. The first time you scent blood, usually large amounts, as a vampire. I haven't been through it yet and hope I don't have to. It's said that you lose control and go on a rampage of death and feasting.

Though I quite doubt it's as dramatic as that.

"Kenpachi is missing," the strawberry blonde girl said with a confused blink.

"So he is." Uryuu Ishida sighed, elegantly for he was always so posh or whatever word he used to describe himself, before shaking his head. "He is more than likely out hunting down some unsuspecting human whom he will then drain dry and leave me another mess to clean up."

"Why do you put up with him when he doesn't even participate in the program?" This question was voiced by a smaller boy, Mizuru I think. He was a newer addition to the group and he was relatively quiet. Even if he was a bit of a know it all when he did speak up.

"Because it is simpler than trying to convince him otherwise. I know this group is about learning to become free of human blood lust but he is simply incurable. I have tried and he just lets me go on without comprehending a single word," Uryuu sniffed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Our body stays the same as it was when we were turned so if you needed glasses as a human you do as a vampire. If hurt, then, slowly, our cells repair the damage as if it had never happened.

And that was the most exciting part of the meeting. Seriously. The rest was just about boring stuff like, who minimized their blood spray this week, blah blah blah.

The meeting concluded and the other members filed out of the church to the parking lot where a banged up van waited under a streetlight. It was night, of course, and no one was out so there wasn't anyone to give us odd looks. After all, we had just left a church at about ten in the evening and there wasn't an evening service. Chad climbed into the driver's seat while everyone piled into the vehicle. Being a vampire means that all those neat documents like a Social Security number and birth certificate make it hard to get a license. Someone would catch on if were kept coming in looking the same way we had last time. Also, the testing is during daylight hours.

The ride was boring. No one spoke except for Orihime babbling on to fill the silence which apparently bothered her. Funny, I didn't mind. Mainly because I spent most of my time in silence and it had become a familiar companion.

We arrived at my house and I clambered out, narrowly missing kicking Mizuru in the face since it was a bit crowded, and slipped inside. Luckily, Goat face had gone to bed already. Being in his fifties, it's a wonder he even puts up with a seventeen year old vampire. But what else can he do? He won't let me live with either of my sisters since he frets about them living normal lives. They know about me, being a vampire that is, and always visit. But it's a bit weird to look at them, both about my height and looking ten years older.

Never changing sucks by the way. I'm about twenty eight, locked in the body of a teenager, and I'll never look old enough to drink.

Not that I could drink alcohol anyways, I'd only puke it up. That's what happens if I try to eat or drink regular food.

With a sigh, I heated up a bag of O positive from the fridge since I was a bit hungry and sucked on it as I went upstairs to try and get past my writers block. The last scene from my latest book was giving me trouble but maybe I could get past it tonight…

So? Whatcha think? I rather like it. XD But I do care what my readers think so why not clickie right below and let me know? Oh! That rhymed too. =3