How did it get this bad?
Slowly she walked into the bathroom and quietly closed the door. She turned on the lights and walked to stand in front of the mirror. She leaned down and grabbed a comb, a rubber band and a couple of hair clips from under the sink. She looked at the mirror as she slowly bushed her hair and pulled it into a pony tail tightening the rubber band as much as she could. Then she moved her fringes back and put the hair clips in to hold it in the place. She removed her watch and necklace and she smiled at herself in the mirror as she ran her hands over her hair to see if it would stay in place. It did.
Lifting the lid she bent over toilet kneeling before it. She placed her hands on her knees and looked into the bowl. She knew that what she was about to do was a stupid thing, but she could not seem to stop herself. She leaned up and over the bowl a little more and pressed two fingers down her throat, but nothing happened. She pressed down again and again till she started coughing and tears ran down her cheeks, but still nothing happened.
She removed her figures and sat back down wiping the tears off her cheeks in frustration. Why was she even crying? She was not sad, so how come she was crying? Sighing she lifted herself up and pressed two fingers down her throat again, which only made her cough even harder than before and more tears started falling from her squeezed eyes. But she did not stop. Not even when her throat tightened and she felt like she was suffocating. She opened her eyes when she felt her dinner leave her body.
Her sight had come blurry and full of black dots.
She was shaking and her fingers were numb. Clearing her throat she tries to blink away the darkness from her sight.
Coughing she leaned back grabbing a paper towel and wiped of her mouth and fingers.
Her throat hurt.
Her jaw hurt.
Her head hurt.
Her entire body hurt.
She threw the paper towel in the toilet, flushed and pulled the lid down. She then got up and walked over to the sink, washed her hands and started to remove the hair clips. When she was about to pull out the rubber band she looked in to the mirror and saw her flushed face and red eyes.
She had to sit down as she started to cry. And she cried so hard it felt like her chest was about to break. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to hold it all together, but she could not. Tears just continue to fall down her cheeks and she promised herself over and over that she would never do it again.
But the promise only made her cry harder, because she knew that she would never be able to keep it.
She ran her hands over her face wiping the tears off her cheeks, but they were quickly replaced by new ones.
Why did she have to eat so much at dinner? If she had just eaten less, then she would not have had to do this. It was her fault.
She sighed.
How did it get this bad?
She could not even remember when all this had started. Now it was just a part of her.
The thoughts would not leave her head. She was sickened by her own mind. The wanting to do this, the obsession and the addiction, the never ending rules.
She does not know how to stop.
If she could turn back time, she would undo the decision she once made; to become something smaller, believing that the hurt she felt would fade away.
She slowly rose from the floor just as there is a knock on the door.
"Emily, we got a now case."
"Okay, I will be out in a minute."
Looking at herself in the mirror she sighed. She looked like hell. She grabbed her bag with make-up from under the sink and started to cover up the redness around her eyes and nose. She bushed her hair and fixed her fringes. When she thought she looked more or less presentable she packed away her things and unlocked the door.
"Aaron," she gasped. It had startled her to see him standing on the other side of the door.
He looked concerned at her. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine," she said with a smile that did not really reach her eyes.
"Are you sure?"
She nodded.
"You look pale."
"I'm fine."
"Okay." He kissed her forehead and left.
She looked at him as he walked away, then she turned and switched off the lights in bathroom. Closing the door she sighed and whispered to the darkness, "Will this ever end?"