Disclaimer: We do not own Once Upon a Time. If we did, PurpleGummiBear3 would be forcing them to churn out a season every week.
Warning: Possible OOCness, puppy bashing (on Regina's part), fluff and Roland's big brown eyes
STAGE 1: The Plan
Granny's Diner | June 15, 13:00 ECT
"So, Henry. What did you want to talk about?" Robin Hood asked the teen boy sitting before him. Henry Mills sat perfectly straight, his hands cupping a steaming mug of Granny's hot cocoa. Robin wasn't sure whether to be amused or worried by the utter seriousness on the boy's face.
"You're in love with my mom, right?" Robin blinked. Well, he suspected the boy wanted to talk about Regina but this was a bit blunt.
"Um… well yes, but, you knew that already…" Robin blustered. He nervously tapped his fingers against his own cup of cocoa.
"I know. I just wanted to confirm it," Henry said matter of factly. The teen calmly took a sip of cocoa. Then he fixed the former bandit with a stern glare.
"Of course, I'd be a lot more convinced if you actually did something about it. Say, like taking her out on a date?" Henry narrowed his eyes at Robin Hood, who smiled sheepishly.
"Have you taken her out on a date?" Henry asked. Robin Hood slumped a little in the booth.
"Not… exactly no…" he said slowly.
"Why not?" Henry snapped. "You say you love her. Why haven't you shown her yet?" Well, thought Robin. I have shown her, down in her vault when -
He shook his head furiously to rid himself of those thoughts. Henry did not need to know that.
"I, uh, there hasn't been a good time what with the town constantly being attacked…?" Robin said it like a question. Henry just stared at the man. The former bandit started to sweat under the teen's glare. Is this how all of the Evil Queen's victims felt? Good grief, he really was Regina's son.
"Well that's a stupid reason," Henry finally huffed. "There's no time like the present, especially if there's an imminent threat of death, to prove you love her. Which is why," and suddenly the teen was beaming. "I'm going to help you plan the perfect date."
Robin, who was still recovering from Henry's sudden mood swing, just stared at the boy.
"The perfect date," he repeated. Henry nodded.
"Now," he said, suddenly businesslike. What is with this kid and his mood swings? Robin thought frantically.
"I get that you and Mom were destined to fall in love or whatever, but I'm betting you don't know any of the little things. Like how she likes her coffee prepared. And her favorite time of day. And what movies she likes to watch. Quick," Henry suddenly pointed at poor Robin. "What is her favorite color?"
When did this turn into an interrogation? Robin wondered wearily.
"Uh… black?" Robin guessed. Henry frowned.
"No, it's purple," Henry corrected. "Haven't you noticed all the purple in her wardrobe? Her accessories? Even her magic is purple, for crying out loud! All right," he thought for a moment. "What's her favorite food?"
And so the interrogation continued with poor Robin Hood only able to answer a few of Henry's many questions. After fifteen minutes of relentless grilling, Henry finally leaned back in the booth with a sigh.
"Oh man," he groaned. "You're hopeless. You don't know anything about her." Robin's eye twitched.
Why is it so important to know which pair of shoes she favors most? The former bandit thought, annoyed. But he didn't say anything, because the kid was still glaring him down.
"That has to change if you're going to take her on the perfect date. So listen carefully." Henry took a deep breath. "Her favorite color is purple, her favorite fruit is apple, actually she loves anything apple-related, she likes long skirts, her favorite jewel is onyx, she loves jazz music, her favorite time of day is sunset, she likes horseback riding, she likes tight clothes that tend to show off her chest which I really don't get and it kind of creeps me out but whatever makes her happy, she's been wanting to go to that Italian place down the street, they apparently have really good red wine, she likes picnics, she secretly watches the Kardashians when she thinks I'm not home because they apparently give her great ideas for spells, she likes her coffee black, no sugar or creamer or anything, she likes roses, red ones, and she thinks Roland is adorable even though he looks like his mother."
Robin just… stared. Was he supposed to remember all of that?
"Now repeat it back to me." Aw damn.
"Look, Henry," Robin said. He reached across the table to pat Henry's hand. "I appreciate that you're looking out for your mother, but is all of this really necessary?"
"Yes, it is. All of those details you need to know if you're going to plan the perfect date."
"Even the part about the Kardashians?"
"Hmm, maybe not that part, but the rest yeah. You've gotta incorporate everything she loves into this date, you know. Because even though you're a really nice guy, I'm going to have to hurt you if you mess up her first date."
"You're acting like her father," Robin observed dryly.
"Well, I am named after him," the kid countered. Good grief. Robin fervently hoped Roland wouldn't be like this when he grew up.
"Okay, Henry…" Robin trailed off with sigh. Henry narrowed his eyes.
"You know both my moms have magic, right? My father was also magical, being the son of the Dark One and all. My grandparents are Snow White and Prince Charming, and my other mom is dating Captain Hook. You never know, maybe I have magic in me too. And if I have magic… I can do... things," Henry said with a pointed look towards Robin.
"All right, all right kid, I get it!" Robin threw his hands up in frustration. "If I screw this up, your family will destroy me."
"Destroy is putting it lightly," Henry said sipping his hot cocoa. "So… just to make sure you understand. What will happen if you screw this up?"
"I die." Robin replied, unamused.
"Good. Now what will happen if you don't screw it up but something else happens, like a unicorn stampede?" Do we even have unicorns in Storybrooke? Robin thought for a moment.
"I still die?" Henry smirked.
"Good you're catching on." Robin resisted the impulse to facepalm.
"So… now that we've established I'd better get this right or die in unspeakably horrible ways…" Robin began. "What is your idea of the perfect date?"
"Yes, the date!" Henry clapped his hands together in glee. What's with this kid? Robin thought in mild horror.
"So, here's what's going to happen," Henry continued. "You're going to pick up my mom from her house around 6:30. No earlier, no later. You have to give her enough time to get ready. Now how long does that take?"
"Wha- how on earth am I supposed to know that?" Robin protested. Henry huffed.
"45 minutes. 45 minutes, get that into your head. Girls take a while you know, and especially on a first date - man I've never even had a girlfriend and I know more than you. What's wrong with this picture?" Robin chose not to answer that question.
"Anyway," Henry went on. "You're going to have to incorporate purple into your outfit somewhere - gotta match - and then you're going to bring her flowers. And what type of flowers are you bringing her?"
"Red roses. But isn't that a bit cliche?" Robin wondered aloud. Henry just stared at him. "Okay, fine. Not cliche, got it," Robin backtracked hurriedly.
Over at the counter, Robin saw Red smirking at the sight of Henry bullying the former thief. Robin sent her an inconspicuous not a word glare. At that moment the Charming family walked into the diner. Henry's back faced towards the door, so he didn't notice. But upon catching sight of Robin and Henry in the booth, Emma raised an eyebrow.
Then she heard what the two were talking about.
Robin sent her a pleading look, but Emma either didn't notice or pretended not to and slid into a booth behind Henry. Both Emma and Mary Margaret were struggling to control their laughter.
"Robin!" Henry snapped his fingers in front of Robin's face. Robin's attention snapped back to him. "Are you paying attention? You know your life is at stake right?"
"Right…" Robin muttered.
"So where will you be taking her for dinner?" Henry questioned.
"Er… the Italian restaurant?" Robin guessed, stupidly hoping he'd get it right.
"Wrong!" Henry cried, exasperated. "She'll see that coming! Come on Robin, think a little!"
"But you said -" Robin started but Henry interrupted him.
"I said she'd like to go to that Italian place, but I never said take her there. Geez man, keep up!" Robin just stared, dumbfounded. Can he ever win with this kid? By now Emma had given up on containing her laughter, although Mary Margaret was a bit more polite and only giggled. Charming smiled at him sympathetically over the booth divider.
"You'll be taking her out to the forest where you had your first kiss for a romantic, moonlit picnic. There will be candles lining the area so you can see where you're going and-" Henry was interrupted.
"Wait, wouldn't it be illogical to have candles in a place where something could easily catch fire?" Robin asked. And how the hell did he even know about their first kiss? What does Regina tell this kid? Henry glared at him. "Okay, nevermind." Henry seemed satisfied and went back to planning.
"Screw logistics, sure. It doesn't matter if the whole forest burns as long as my mom has a nice time, let's ignore the risk," Robin muttered under his breath in a poor imitation of Henry's voice. David and Mary Margaret sent sympathetic looks his way, while Emma was thoroughly enjoying his misery.
"Then you'll serve her gourmet Italian food. Yes, food that you prepared and yes, serve her." Henry ordered. Robin groaned. There were many things this skilled thief was capable of. Cooking was most definitely not one of them. Henry seemed to already sense this.
"Of course, I will be helping you with the cooking so you don't screw it up," Henry added. Robin's eyebrows shot up.
"You know how to cook?" he asked, surprised.
"I was raised by Regina for ten years of my life. Of course I know how to cook," Henry replied.
"But I thought Regina was a terrible cook," Robin said.
"Yes, that's why I had to learn if I wanted actual food for dinner," Henry said matter of factly.
"Oh," was Robin's response. What he would give for an angry green witch right now.
"Also, here's a tip: don't tell my mom she's a terrible cook," And there was the Regina-glare again. Robin resisted the urge to wipe the sweat from his brow. This kid's intense.
"You know Henry, I've courted other women before," Robin said.
"Not in this world you haven't!" Henry stated. "You don't even know how to work a telephone, and you still call cars those strange metal moving contraptions. And by the way, in this world we say dating not courting." Henry quirked an eyebrow, daring Robin to argue.
"Oh, and this should go without saying, but avoid using the expression, 'I've courted other women before' around Mom. Or anything like it."
"Right…" Robin said. I'm not that stupid, Robin thought irritably.
"My mom can get quite jealous, as unbelievable as that sounds," Henry said. Unbelievable? Robin could see Mary Margaret and David wearing similar expressions on their faces. "I wouldn't want the date to end with fireballs assaulting your mutilated corpse."
"Quite a vocabulary you've got there huh?" Robin commented. Was the sarcasm obvious enough?
"Oh and I forgot to add the most important thing," Henry said, ignoring the thief's comment. He pushed Robin's untouched cocoa aside and stared the older man directly in the eyes. Robin gulped. "You break my mom's heart, and every member of my family will be knocking down your door with a stake in their hand."
"Good to know," Robin muttered. "Is that all?"
"Yes. No wait," Henry said. Robin raised an eyebrow. Henry's face darkened. "I want her home by 11 o'clock on the dot. And I'll be waiting up, so no funny business. Understand?"
"Yes sir," Robin mock saluted. Henry stared down the poor thief as if assessing whether Robin was really up to the challenge (and challenge it was, what with this demon kid breathing down his neck about it). Just as Robin was starting to squirm in his seat, Henry suddenly sat back and beamed like the innocent teen Robin knew he wasn't.
"Then I wish you the best of luck," Henry said happily. "If all goes well, I may be able to call you 'Dad' someday. If not, the 'Dad' will turn into 'Dead.' Don't worry, I'll make sure to write something nice on your headstone. You are a pretty nice guy, after all." Henry smiled sweetly. Robin shivered. Yup, definitely Regina's kid.
Now, this day could be put at the top of Emma's Best Days Ever list. Mary Margaret was trying to reprimand her daughter for reveling in the sorrow of others, even though she herself couldn't stop a few chuckles from slipping out. And David was hoping Robin would survive, because Henry… well, David hadn't fully realized that Henry was also Regina's son until now. Scary. Very scary.
"This date will take place tomorrow night. I expect you to come by the loft at 10 o'clock sharp tomorrow morning. I'm with Emma this week," Henry announced as he stood up. He offered a hand to Robin, who reached for it like it was a poison apple.
Henry walked out of the diner, still not noticing the Charmings as they hid their faces. Robin slumped down in the booth and sent an accusing glare at Henry's family who had, by this point, lost all self control and burst out laughing, startling many of the other people in the diner.
"I thought you said he was a sweet kid?" poor Robin accused. Emma managed to control her snickering long enough to reply.
"He is... when you're not his mom's boyfriend," Emma smirked.
"Then why hasn't he gone after Hook yet?" Robin asked.
"Oh trust me, I've got that covered," David said, frowning at Emma.
"Don't worry so much, Robin," Mary Margaret said kindly. "Everything will be fine. Regina loves you, and I know you love her. True love can overcome anything!" Mary Margaret gave him an award winning smile and glanced dreamily at Charming.
Emma groaned. "If you two start making out, I swear I'm gonna disown you."
"You technically can't disown your parents, Emma," David corrected while Mary Margaret stared at her in horror.
"Thank you all," Robin interrupted dryly. "But I don't think a hope speech will protect me from Henry's wrath. Or worse, his micromanaging tendencies." Robin got up from the booth and exited the diner, with a feeling of dread settling in his stomach.