Irvine At The Beach

By: Jason Tandro

Some of my old-school readers may be aware of a short fiction I did towards the beginning of my fanfiction writing career called Irvine's Mind, which was a chaptered piece of the various parts of the Final Fantasy VIII storyline as told from Irvine's perspective. But rather than a mature internal monologue dripping with poetic angst it was a cavalcade of cognitive crassness. And while some of my older chestnuts lacked the sophistication to be dusted off (Highwind M.D. comes readily to mind), I felt like this idea actually had merit and could be modernized. Let's see how well I pull it off!

Okay, so I guess Selphie was right. A ten-gallon hat is not optimal sun protection. I am going to be as red as a lobster by the time we're done here.

I still can't believe she pitched the idea of a beach day and chose Dollet of all places. All of the sunburn and a mild 13 Degrees. This would be winter in Balamb. Well, at least she feels warm enough to sport a two-piece. I should have brought my duster.

So, let's scope out the landscape. Yep, we're the only ones stupid enough to be swimming in this weather. Zell is taking to the waves with admirable gusto, Squall and Rinoa seem to be… reading? That's lame. Quistis is building a sandcastle. She's also in a two-piece. A thong bikini? Professor Trepe, you dirty girl you.

Damn it, Irvine, get your head out of the gutter. This is your comrade for crying out loud. You saved the world together. You respect her ability as a fellow warrior. Boobs. You're better than this, man. No you're not…

Let's focus on other things right now. How about Zell? He's doing quite well. I didn't know he could surf. Well I guess his skills on the T-Board transferred over. Scratch that, they clearly did not. Though to be fair I wouldn't have seen that rock either with a damp mullet covering my eyes. And now he's drowning. Quick check to see - yep "No Lifeguard On Duty: Swim At Your Own Risk."

Does anybody else see this? No. Selphie is splashing about, Squall and Rinoa are still reading - man they really are lame. And Quistis is covered in mud. Man that is… not as sexy as the Girl Next Door magazines make it out to be. Okay, have to go save friend.

Cold! Cold! Water. No. Okay, so I don't know how Zell is doing it. Is he still drowning? Yeah he is. Well it's clear I need to save him, but it's also clear I'm not getting in this water. Ooh, a life preserver. Let me toss it out there and he can grab onto it.

Well that was actually kind of fun. Kind of like a giant hard plastic Frisbee. Unfortunately it landed nowhere near him. Damn it, Zell. Oh, Quistis noticed. Maybe she'll help him. Wow, look at her run. Look at her run. So beautiful. So majestic. Like a gazelle… with boobs.

That's some weird imagery. Okay, gotta keep cool. Crisis situation. Oh wow, she just dove right in like a champ. How is she not freezing to death? Is she just… carrying him out of the water? Damn Quisty, you are insanely strong. Is she mounting h- oh she's doing CPR. Come on breathe, Zell. It's just a little case of near death, shake it off buddy. Ewww, that was nasty. And poor Quistis with a face full of seawater backwash.

Oh and Rinoa and Squall are now here. I'm so glad that your friend almost dying got you to put down your precious books. Rinoa's one piece is nice and tasteful. Makes the whole not objectifying one of your friends thing a lot easier.

Hey Zell, glad you could join the world of the living again. Maybe next time don't surf on a board you can barely use in rock-infested waters. Well now that the crisis is averted, time to resume the hunt. Seems like only Quistis and Selphie here.

Both worthy candidates in their own way. Quistis is mad strong and has a great body. Selphie is hilarious and perky and has a great body. Man are we on this again? Zell almost croaked and you're trying to get laid. Maybe we need to evaluate our life choices. Well I mean I might be being too hard on myself. I mean, it's natural to have these urges. I am a man after all.

It's maybe not natural to have these urges when death is on the line. I know I wouldn't mind waking up to Quistis straddling my, trying desperately to save my life. Maybe I should try that out. No. Abort that mission. You know what will happen. You'll wake up and it'll be Squall or Zell or some dude. I mean, not like there's anything wrong with that.

I am sexualizing a life-saving procedure. Maybe I do have issues.

Well I would go take my mind off it by swimming but the water is too damned cold. And Quistis's soaking bosom confirms that. Wow… well all the mud is certainly gone. You are staring too long. You are staring way too long. Quistis has noticed you starting too long. IRVINE. QUISTIS HAS SPOTTED YOU. ABORT. THIS IS GOING TO GET REALLY AWKWARD REALLY FAST.

"I like your necklace."

She's not wearing a necklace, you dodo. Is she laughing? Did she find my perversion cute? That was 100 percent not the reaction I expected. Now she's checking me out. Why is looking down there? OH GOD I KNOW WHY. MUST HIDE. INTO THE WATER! BANZAI!

…

…

Head hurts. Air slowly returning. How long have I been out? Somebody is sitting on me? Oh god, I must have passed out. Oh god, it's gonna be Zell or Squall, I just know it.

Fur.

Angelo?

Oh, you trained the dog to do CPR, Rinoa? Well isn't that adorable? I was saved by a dog. When Zell wrecks his shit in the ocean he gets saved by Chesty LaRoux, but when I do it the job gets outsourced to Moon Moon over here.

It's okay puppy, I still love you. I hate the beach though.