EVERYONE LOATHES HARRY
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
RELATIONSHIP-MAN (V. O.): Who am I? You might have been misled by the hype, the reviews and the movie title to believe that this is a superhero film that explores themes like power and responsibilities, or at the very least is just another comic book movie. Don't worry. This is something much worse.
The camera pans to this movie's very own HUMAN ASSAULT-MAGNET.
RELATIONSHIP-MAN (V. O.): This is Mary Jane, my soulless but importantly gorgeous love interest that I've lusted after so much that even though, according to my uncle, I wasn't in his house and hence couldn't see her until I was at least ten years old, I started lusting after her since I was six. Anyway, this movie isn't about me; it's about her.
PETER PARKER runs into view and is bullied by THIRTY-YEAR-OLDS who attempt to look SEVENTEEN. Meanwhile, NORMAN OSBORN is berating his son, HARRY, for avoiding excessively flaunting his father's financial success like the plague.
NORMAN: Your shame and desire to get independent just further affirm what a terrible disappointment you are, Harry Osborn!
HARRY: Funny you should mention that, in light of the fact that later you would praise self-reliance as a virtue.
These two apparent losers meet up at the MUSEUM.
PETER: Well, only one of us is the real loser. Can you guess who?
While he is distracted by MARY JANE, he gets bitten by the GENETICALLY-ALTERED SPIDER and is endowed with SUPER POWERS via FANTASY SCIENCE. He proceeds to realize his power when he tries to talk to MARY JANE, abuses his powers a bit to woo MARY JANE, and accidentally gets his UNCLE shot whilst trying to impress MARY JANE.
PETER: As you can see, I wasn't exaggerating in the least when I said this movie is really, truly ALL ABOUT MARY JANE.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION CEREMONY
HARRY is talking to PETER, his dubiously best friend in high school. Suddenly, NORMAN shoves HARRY out of the way to shower praises on him.
NORMAN: Good God, you mad genius, you, I wish you were my son, you crazy awesome honor-student!
PETER: I might have known about Harry's jealousy and his love-hate relationship with his father, probably because he mentions it at least ten times a day, but the only considerate thing to do now for a best friend is to nod eagerly and show off a shit-eating grin.
NORMAN: 'Atta boy!
HARRY: Oh sure, don't mind me. I'm out in the cold in outer space.
He walks around until he sees MARY JANE and QUINTESSENTIAL BOYFRIEND OF ALL THE HOT CHICKS CHASED AFTER BY NERDY TEENAGERS break up. Evidently bitter at PETER for casually taking what he perceives to be his, he decides to pursue what PETER perceives to be PETER'S in retaliation.
HARRY: And this is besides the fact that I like Mary Jane almost as much as Peter does AND she's still technically available.
MARY JANE: It's amazing that the director has really gone out of his way to justify your actions.
This is still, for some reason, sufficient evidence that HARRY OSBORN is the WORST AND WHINIEST HUMAN BEING EVER TO WALK ON EARTH for the AUDIENCE.
EXT. CITY STREET
PETER meets up with MARY JANE randomly and learns of her new relationship.
PETER: I can't believe my best friend did this to me, even though this movie hasn't shown anything I've done for Harry to substantiate my best friend status and justify my anger. Instead, it's shown that I've been hiding a tremendous secret from him, too, in which case my scornfulness will simply imply that I'm an awful hypocrite!
MARY JANE: Well, I'm open to other romantic advances. Feel free to join the fun. Just don't tell Harry.
PETER: (vengefully) Oh no, I most definitely, definitely won't tell Harry.
For the next two hours, we are treated to EXCITING MOMENTS OF PETER PARKER ACTIVELY UNDERMINING HARRY OSBORN'S SHITTY LOVE LIFE. He rescues MARY JANE multiple times, stalks her around in both personas, asks her out every chance he gets, improvises cringe-worthy monologues, and practically rubs the truth of his SECRET IDENTITY against her face repeatedly.
PETER: Happy to swing by! I'm your friendly neighborhood Peter Parker.
MARY JANE: Wow, the viewers must be calling this movie the deepest superhero movie ever made now.
PETER: Yeah, because nothing beats stealing the girlfriend from your rich, sissy friend with your super-duper powerful alter ego!
He rescues MARY JANE again from the GREEN GOBLIN, who's about as threatening and fashionable as a MONSTER OF THE DAY from POWER RANGERS.
INT. PETER AND HARRY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
HARRY is attempting to amend something with MARY JANE on the phone, poorly, while PETER observes with amused interest. A guilty HARRY then reveals and apologizes that he's dating MARY JANE, but PETER shrugs it off.
HARRY: Well, I suppose there's no backstabbing between us anymore.
PETER: You mean, discounting the fact I apparently couldn't care less if your father spontaneously disowns you, OR that I'm the culprit of Mary Jane's sudden lack of interest in you, OR that I've been actively undermining your relationship with her while shamelessly pretending that I have nothing to do with it, OR that I've been hiding a great secret from you but not your girlfriend, a secret that I even use in my pathetic attempts to woo her? Um, no, nothing at all. In fact, I don't even see what you see in me as your friend.
NORMAN harasses PETER some more while PETER undermines HARRY some more. Eventually we visit the famous THANKSGIVING DINNER SCENE where EVERY TRUE FAN KNOWS HARRY TOTALLY WRONGS MARY JANE.
INT. PETER AND HARRY'S APARTMENT - DINING ROOM
NORMAN finds out that PETER is RELATIONSHIP-MAN, which shatters his dreams of replacing HARRY with PETER as his son. As he prepares to leave to vent his anger, HARRY asks him to stay.
NORMAN: Actually, my frustration has nothing to do with you. But rather than reassuring you and repairing your crumbled self-esteem, I will take it out on you and make you feel it's YOUR damned fault.
He does this.
HARRY: But I brought my girlfriend here! She's very important to me!
NORMAN: Yeah, well, she's a slut.
HARRY: No, she isn't.
NORMAN: Yes, she is.
HARRY: No, she isn't.
NORMAN: Yes, she is.
HARRY: No, she isn't! You can't even prove it.
NORMAN: I already did.
HARRY: When?
NORMAN: Just now.
HARRY: No, you didn't.
NORMAN: Yes, I did.
HARRY: Didn't.
NORMAN: Yes, I did.
HARRY: Didn't!
NORMAN: I'm telling you I did.
HARRY: You did not!
NORMAN: Now let's get one thing very clear: I did. I did it by effectively telling everyone your mother was a slut as well.
HARRY: Where the hell did that come from?
NORMAN: See? I TOLD you you were a failure!
He storms out. HARRY returns to the dinner table empty-handed.
MARY JANE: (extremely pissed) Thank you so much for sticking up for me, Harry.
HARRY: Huh? Aren't the sentences "She's very important to me" and "You're wrong about her." enough? And isn't his degrading my mother in public, thereby degrading me by proxy, enough consolation for you?
MARY JANE: But you should have KICKED HIM IN THE NUTS then stuff his head with EXPLOSIVES!
HARRY: Christ, you really know nothing about the conflicted feelings I have for my father.
MARY JANE: It's probably because whatever you do inevitably pales in the irrelevant comparison with Peter's utter devotion to me!
She storms out, too.
HARRY: Peter, do something!
PETER: Sorry, but as your best friend and the person who's been witnessing the destructive relationship between you and your father and, assuming that I'm as any sane as this movie suggests, should understand your dilemma, I would do just about absolutely nothing while having perverted daydreams of me and Mary Jane fucking on top of your corpse.
AUNT MAY: (aghast) Harry Osborn!
HARRY: WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?!
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
AUNT MAY is attacked yet, for some reason, not killed by the GREEN GOBLIN and is now lying unconscious in bed. PETER reacts to this by further undermining HARRY'S relationship with MARY JANE.
PETER: Because doing this is totally appropriate in virtually every single setting.
Just as he is supplying the exact same boring comic book monologue to MARY JANE for the THIRD TIME in this movie, they are interrupted by HARRY, who just happens to be visiting his friend and his MOTHER-FIGURE in good faith. A friend who backstabs, and a mother-figure who ardently encourages him to backstab, no less.
PETER: Hey Harry, why are you holding a big bunch of flowers and looking deeply wounded?
HARRY: Oh, so THIS is what's next to that dinner scene in the parade of constant humiliations.
He runs off. This proves he's whiny and spoiled.
PETER: Oh dear! I just added further misery to my one true friend, where I'm also responsible for most of his misery throughout his life! I should be completely nonchalant about this revelation of another of my betrayals.
INT. OSBORN MANSION
HARRY returns to the creepy place he calls home while creepy music plays in the background.
HARRY: Dad! I just discovered that my girlfriend IS a slut! She's smitten with my best friend, Peter Parker! Though, since I don't mind the suspicion that it is HIM that's the advancing one for half of this movie, I'm still calling him my best friend.
NORMAN: Fuck off, my pathetic son of a--Did you just say that Peter Parker loves Mary Jane Watson?
HARRY: Er, yeah, but the point is that Mary Jane is a slut.
NORMAN: Do tell me that Peter Parker loves Mary Jane Watson very, very much. And that she is very, very important to him. More specifically, he will be crushed if she's tortured and murdered by some guy in a plastic suit and a funny hat.
HARRY: Uh...okay...
NORMAN: Awesome! Suddenly I'm giving you the respect and attention you've always craved, son.
HARRY: Why? Merely because I unwittingly tipped you on how to break the heart of some fucker whose well-being could matter to me?
NORMAN: That, and the fact that I can't replace you with Parker. I will now give you a half-hearted embrace and false hope that I will bond with you. Until I find someone better, that is.
HARRY: I like false hope! It gives me something to agonize about in the next couple of movies after you are predictably killed. (pause) Dad, I love you so damned much!
NORMAN: Yeah, sure, whatever, my pathetic son.
He confronts RELATIONSHIP-MAN.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
RELATIONSHIP-MAN: Why? Why is your super villainy basically composed of attempts to kill off every major character in this movie?
GREEN GOBLIN: Well why not? The only character who isn't a bitch or an asshole here is Harry, and that's because all he ever did was being tormented and was so powerless that he's painful to watch.
He attempts a killing spree, and is in turn killed by his own stupid surfboard.
NORMAN: Ack! After one last futile attempt to adopt Peter, I suddenly remember I still have my OWN son. A pathetic son, regrettably, but at least HE appreciates being my son! (with his dying breath) Please don't let him hate me; instead, obsess him with my death until his life has become a lie and he will surely risk a nervous breakdown once the truth is out, just so I can maintain a split second of deluded comfort and peace! (pause) And a good posthumous reputation! (dies)
RELATIONSHIP-MAN: (shrugs) Whatever you say, Mr. Osborn.
He honors NORMAN'S request, and positions his naked corpse with a bleeding crotch in NORMAN'S bedroom, thus leaving much to HARRY'S darkest imagination. This successfully gets him to vow vengeance on a guy who is also the hardest creature to kill on the entire planet, since that's MERCIFUL.
HARRY: Is there a reason as to why I'm totally surrounded by despicable morons?
EXT. GRAVEYARD
MARY JANE approaches PETER.
MARY JANE: So, I just attended the funeral of my boyfriend's father, probably witnessed my boyfriend weeping like there's no tomorrow, and saw you grieving over your father figure. Clearly at this precise point I should declare my undying love for you and immediately become your girlfriend on spot. Let's make out passionately on your uncle's grave.
RELATIONSHIP-MAN (V. O.): And I was thinking: Jesus Christ, maybe this woman IS a slut after all. And this is why I can't wait for the next movie when the main focus will be this strange relationship and occasionally my one-way friendship with the all-around loser Harry.
END
Author's final note: I decided to watch the first movie again after watching Spider-man 3, for I was confused: Did Peter and Harry's "friendship" really warrant Harry's sacrifice? If so, why did the third movie do such a bad job of convincing me? (And why couldn't Mary Jane make up her mind about whom she loved more?) I believe this script sums up (and defends) my answer to these questions.