Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own the rights. Big shock, I know.

Okay, so I'm taking another stab at Stargate. Don't know if I've quite got the characters though. Let me know what you think, please! This contains very large spoilers (and even lines of dialogue) from the episodes Upgrades and Divide and Conquer. I think I'm hopelessly addicted to Jack and Sam! ;-)

For those waiting for me to update "Finally" – I haven't forgotten it! I just got blindsided by this while I was stuck in traffic for two and a half hours… :-P

Jack sat draped in his favorite chair – a beer held loosely in one hand as ghosts of the day's events trailed through his thoughts.

"He would not leave you?"

Anise's voice echoed in his head.

"No." Carter had replied. "He tried everything he could to disable the shield."

"And when he failed?"

"I told him again that he should go. But I knew he wouldn't leave."

"How did you know that?"

"Because… had our situations been reversed, I would have stayed as well."

"Why?"

She had gone silent for a moment while she took a deep breath.

"Because I care about him, too."

Jack took another drink from the nearly forgotten bottle and winced as he remembered her request.

"Sir, none of this has to leave this room."

He had tried to hide his shock as he stammered, "We're okay with that?" Now, however, he wanted to kick himself for asking such a stupid question – for agreeing blindly to her gag order. He sat brooding for a few minutes before he grabbed his jacket and headed out the door.

"I'm not okay with it."

xXx

Sam ran a tired hand through her hair as she stared at the computer screen. She tried to refocus – only to realize she had read the same sentence four times. Whatever sedative Janet had given her was still lingering in her system, and Sam began to wonder how she had stayed awake so long. She closed her eyes for a moment, only to rediscover the reason. Her mind was flooded with images. Zatarc testing, the attempted assassination, Martouf's death, Colonel O'Neill's confession, not to mention her own…

Stop right there, she told herself. It was all too much to handle – hence the reason she couldn't bring herself to go home. The silence that awaited her there would be her undoing. After everything that happened today I'm allowed to cower in a corner, aren't I?

"Sure you are, Carter," a voice in her head answered. "But it's after midnight. Time for all good little soldiers to get some rest…" She knew who the voice belonged to, of course. She had heard it for a few years now, though she could never quite remember the first time it had shown up. Part of her felt that it had always been there, and her experiences with him on SG1 had merely helped her phantasmal conscience take a more permanent shape. She had tried not to count the number of times she wished he would show up in her lab tonight, taking her into his warm comforting arms while she cried.

Twenty-three.

I do not need to be thinking about this.

Sighing, she pushed down the feelings that threaten to spill from her eyes. Sitting here wasn't helping anymore. There was nothing for it; she would have to go home. Looking at the empty doorway, Sam turned off the light and marched as resolutely as she could from the room.

xXx

"Sir, there's no time!"

Sam turned a sharp corner on the drive home, and noticed with a detached air that her hands seemed to be shaking when she lifted them from the wheel.

"You did everything you could."

"Yes."

"You couldn't save her."

"No."

"But you still could have saved yourself."

"I guess."

She closed her eyes briefly as she waited for a light to change and shook her head. But the scene that was playing out in her head would not be so easily dislodged.

"Sir, just go!"

"No!"

She floored the gas pedal as soon as the light showed green, leaving the faint smell of burning rubber behind her.

"I didn't leave… because I would rather die myself – than lose Carter."

"Why?"

"Because I care about her. A lot more than I'm supposed to."

She parked and walked toward her front door, her knees shaking. Fumbling with the keys, she dropped them into the darkness.

"Damn…" Sam bent down to retrieve them, and gasped as she felt another set of fingers brush her own. She stood too quickly – and spots danced in her vision. Finally, the face of Jack O'Neill swam into focus. She felt her jaw drop in shock. "Sir?" They stared at each other, unmoving. "How long have you been here, sir?"

"How long have you been hiding in your lab?" came his retort.

Without warning, Jack leaned forward and pulled her into an embrace. "What are you doing?" she asked in shock. Her brain seemed to have jammed – her thoughts scattered on the wind as his subtle cologne invaded her senses. Sam didn't think she could pull away; she was shaking so badly that his support was likely the only thing keeping her on her feet.

"What I think you need at the moment," came his whispered reply. As he held her close, Sam willed herself not to cry, and breathed deeply. Her sigh was choked off as she noticed a bitter scent in the air around her, not fully masked by his musky smell. She looked up in surprise.

"Are you drunk, sir?"

Jack held his index finger inches away from her nose, as if asking her to inspect it. "One beer, Carter. Hardly qualifies." Sam used the momentary absence of his hand to worm her way out of his arms. She couldn't bear to see the disappointment that would be settling on his features, so she stared avidly at an old cobweb near the door.

"I can't do this Jack. Not tonight." Her mind latched onto the most obvious and innocent reason it could find. "I lost a good friend today." She heard him swallow heavily – whether at the use of his first name or the mention of Martouf, she wasn't sure.

"I know. I'm sorry." She could tell he meant it, and his sincerity brought her eyes back up to meet his.

"I killed him, sir." Her eyes misted over, and she cursed them for betraying her. She didn't realize just how deeply she had been burying the guilt that now crashed over her in waves. Jack said nothing, only put his arms around her again. A small sob escaped her throat, and he crushed her to him, one hand reaching up to stroke her hair.

"Shh… It's alright. You did what you had to do – what he needed you to do."

Sam sniffed hard. She wanted to kick herself for the way she was acting. Falling apart in your CO's arms isn't a good career move, she thought. And yet, she could not pull away again. He was right – she needed this. She didn't know how long they stood there, rocking gently back and forth.

When she finally leaned back far enough to thank him, she was startled to find that their faces were an inch apart. His gaze rested on her lips for a fraction of a second before his head began to close the gap between them. Sam jerked her own head a few more inches away.

"We can't," she murmured.

"Why?" he whispered, his voice almost gruff. She struggled to breathe as he stared in her eyes.

"Because…" She thought furiously.

"I can always retire again." Sam couldn't help it, her mind ran forward to a future where she and Jack were no longer working together, where they were free to explore the feelings that had surfaced between them. Would they be lovers? Husband and wife? Raise children in between bouts of saving the world? It didn't… feel right to her. And yet, she couldn't see a future that didn't have him in it.

"No, sir. You can't." Jack flinched at her formality, but she pushed on. "No matter how much I may… need you at times," she took a deep breath, "SG1 needs you more." She couldn't help it. The disappointment on his face was so vivid that she raised a hand to gently stroke his cheek. "Just think about how many times the team would have died if you hadn't been there."

"I'm not the only one who can get Daniel and Teal'c out of a tight spot. I've seen you do it, too." He didn't know it, but those words were like the final nail in the coffin for Sam.

"Exactly. SG1 needs both of us. You can't retire, and I can't resign. There's too much we both have to do."

Jack looked over her head as he sighed. "Just when did we sign our lives and futures over to the SG project?"

Sam tried to smile, but gave up before her mouth could settle into a painful grimace. "I think it was the first time we stepped through that gate together." This time she did smile. "Or rather, the time that you pushed me through it." Jack rested his forehead on hers, his arms still held tightly around her. He grinned for a moment before his expression became serious.

"If ignoring the… feelings we have for each other is a sacrifice we have to make in order to continue saving the world, I think we deserve some kind of reward…" He leaned in toward her lips again.

"Sir…" Her half-protests were silenced by his sudden whisper.

"Tomorrow." She could almost taste his breath as it caressed her skin. "Tonight – right now – nothing's gonna stand between us. I think we've earned that much."

She stood, rooted to the spot, as their lips brushed. The kiss was gentle at first, but they rapidly gave up on pretense and drank each other in. When Jack finally pulled back, Sam had to bury a pang of frustration at the loss of his warmth. "I should go," she heard him say. She nodded, not trusting herself to speak, and watched through tear-clouded eyes as he got in his truck and drove away. By the time her alarm went off, hours later, she was already beginning to wonder if the whole thing had been a dream.

xXx

Jack managed to make it two blocks before pulling sharply into the nearest curb. Throwing his truck in park, he gripped the steering wheel tightly and found himself resting his forehead against it – part of him absently noting the difference between the hard wheel and the softness of Carter's skin. He took a ragged breath and held it until his lungs burned.

"Aw, hell…" he exhaled. Kissing her had only made things worse. But if she wanted everything buried in that damned room, then that's what he would do. Even if it killed him.

Because he loved her.

This was going to be a songfic, but the lyrics threw the story off. The song that inspired this is "Half Life" by Duncan Sheik (hence the title). I think really describes Jack and Sam. Listen if you get a chance!

So, how did I do?

;-)