As Miles tried to pull me into him I finally snapped.
I pushed him as hard as I could and screamed as I got up.
"NO! You don't get to do this to me!" I yelled. "I have lost everything and everyone and you were going to do it to me again! My mom is dead, my dad is dead, Maggie is dead who knows what the Militia is doing to Danny right now and you were going to do it to me again you are gona leave! You know what. No I am done. I am not gonna cry anymore!" As I wiped away her tears and backed away even further.
"As soon as you left Nora would follow you and without you here Nate Jason whatever would go after you. Then it would just be me and Aaron and come on its Aaron he would probably leave me too! So it would just be me! Alone because everyone I cared about is either dead and gone or they just left me behind! AGAIN! So I would make my way to Philly and if I made it there alive then I would have to get Danny back by myself. And let's be realistic if I did make it to Philly and got Danny I wouldn't last ten minutes. Monroe would catch us and he would probably do the same exact thing that he is doing to Danny to me. Or he would keep me and kill Danny right in front of me just so he would know that I have nothing else to live for! Then every time I try and kill myself he would be there with his guards to make sure I didn't." I gasped in a breath trying to calm but realizing that nothing would work.
"And believe me I would try every minute of every day to let it finally be over! I have that feeling everyday! That hey maybe Danny is dead and when I get to Philly I would have done all of this for nothing and why put myself through that torture why not just end it here and now!
Do you know how hard it was to do that today? To fight the urge of wanting to die! I had an arrow pointed at my head today! If I kept yelling and screaming and didn't fight to get out of that chair you would've come to the door and basically pulled the trigger for me and it would be over! So why not stop fighting, because I still had Maggie. But look at her now she is dead leaning against a wall with a huge pool of blood around her.
Do you know why she asked for her phone because I do she told me once right before we went on this trip. That phone had the only pictures of her kids she fought every single day to get back to them and she almost killed herself because she knew that she would never get back to them. But because of my dad she didn't and the reason she asked for her phone was to say, "hey I am going to die right now at least I will finally be with my family again."
That's what I think about every time I almost do it. I get up early every morning and sometimes I don't even go to sleep but I pull out an arrow and contemplate whether I should do it should I kill myself today or at least set myself up to. Every time I say no I have to get Danny back and then Maggie Danny and I can be a family again and who knows maybe even Miles will want to be apart of it, I have a little piece of me that says make a tiny cut and if you choose yes just finish the line. So…"
As I pulled out my knife.
"Should I should I finish the line this time. I didn't really have the chance to think about it lately since I've been up for two days straight and a little busy. But seriously do I have something to keep me going or should I be thinking "hey I am going to die right now at
least I will finally be with my family again." Cause if you look at things from my perspective I don't and that is all I can think about right now I have nothing left and at least I'll be with my family again."
I pulled off the strap to my top and everyone saw the scars and that was just one single strap. But they saw the one line that I was talking about, red and still bleeding. I put the edge of the knife against the cut. I paused and looked out at everyone and saw their faces and laughed.
"You think that's bad wow you obviously don't know me at all well at least that makes sense right Miles wasn't it you who said you don't know me."
I started to dig the knife a little bit deeper into my skin and I could start to feel the blood coming from the cut. I winced and had a sharp intake of air. All I could think about was Maggie and all I could see were the faces of people who left me and I could see everyone else leave me too. But then I saw his face, I saw my little brothers face and I stopped. All I could think was, NO I shouldn't finish this line because I have to get Danny back he could still be alive and I am willing to take that risk. So I stopped the knife and I pulled it off my shoulder and looked at the blood dripping off of it. I wiped it on my pant leg and put it back in it's sheath. I lifted up my top and wiped away all the blood revealing all the scars on my stomach and I heard everyone stop breathing.
I put the strap back on my shoulder and said,
"Well you are lucky I can't finish the line yet not until I see my brothers dead body so I am going to go you are all welcome to join me but I don't want to hear it. I am going to get my brother back dead or alive and I don't care if I have to do it alone."