UNE'S MASTER PLAN?
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, and thankfully neither do millions of fangirls.
Warning: Mild cussing, (If you take it to seriously, sensitive issues), and feminists.
Note: This is not for all the people who enjoy second generation fics. However, if your stomach turns every time you read, 'it's up to the Gundam kids' (or something like that), then step right up.
888
After the horrifying horrors of the Eve Wars and Eve War's II..., and Survivor - Season 362, the Earth Sphere Alliance was finally at peace; however, the leader of the Preventer's, Une (Yes, a woman. Women are just as strong as men, and capable, and-and have giant butt-kicking robots that kick more butt. So don't call them weak. They are sooo much better than men and with boobs.) Well, she had a master plan for the future.
If another threat came in sixteen years, they would need more Gundam pilots. By then, the original pilots would become middle-aged and totally incapable of piloting a mobile suit, well duh.
"I have a mission for you," she declared. Heero perked up; he loved missions. "You have to quickly get married to the most convenient baby maker... I mean woman of your dreams and spawn the next generation of Gundam pilots, who will be just like you at your age and pilot a Gundam. It is their mission to save the world and fall in love with the children of your yaoi counterparts."
Silence.
"What the fuck have you been smoking?!" yelled Duo over the silence.
"Is suicide optional on this mission?" questioned Heero.
Wufei couldn't keep silent. "Duo's right. You have been smoking. Besides genetics doesn't guarantee anything. Just because we were..." He was rudely interrupted.
"It's an order," Une ordered.
"But!" protested Quatre and Duo.
"Order," she reminded.
"But!" protested Wufei and Heero.
"Order!" she insisted.
"But!" protested the silent one, AKA Trowa.
"Do you accept this mission?" she asked while posing. Did I mention she had her personality changing glasses on?
Being soldiers, they couldn't say no to a mission. "Mission accepted."
Meanwhile, Trowa was trying to think of a convenient woman. "Convenient...convenient... convenient...convenient?" he muttered to himself. "Is she talking about a hooker?"
16 years later
The time has come. A new threat ...umm threatened both the colonies and earth. They called themselves 'Coalition to Overthrow the World', AKA C.O.W. They were very dangerous. She needed to use every force possible to resist against the (pun alert) utter magnitude of C.O.W.
She needed to make a few phone calls!
Maxwell House
"Coffee's ready honey," said the attentive housewife, Hilde. (Though, she does the house work and cooking. As a woman she is much more than that. She can do the same amount of work as her husband with plenty of energy left over for delivering his children. He owed his woman -though women can never be a possession of any man- for the pain of delivering his kids, but it wasn't that painful..., because she was a woman. I'm done with my feminist speeches now.)
"Thanks hon. I love you, so much. I'm so glad you saved me from the darkness of my soul. Plus, you don't look a day over eighteen. Mmm, this coffee is good. You should market it, or something," Duo told his wife.
"Oh, you say that every day," she said with a blush.
"I can't help but compliment my beautiful angel," he cooed. The phone rang, ruining the sweet moment. "Thank God of Death," said an exasperated Duo.
Hilde agreed, "Tell me about it. I'm about to throw up, and I'm not even pregnant, anymore."
"Hey, Une," spoke Duo cheerfully when he saw her image on the vid-phone.
"Duo," she greeted. "About the matter we spoke of sixteen years ago."
The former God of Death scratched the back of his head nervously. "Yeah about that. Are you sure you still need my boys?"
"It is absolutely necessary, if mankind is to survive," she said solemnly. Hilde dropped the homemade pancakes she made (Though, she didn't conform to a woman's role, she still could make pancakes. Never bow down to the male sex. So I lied.)
Her reaction was stunned. "You can't use our sons," she argued furiously.
"Hilde, we can't have your justified, maternal instincts interfere with the fate of mankind," she argued back. However, her voice was soft and understanding. (As a fellow woman, she understood her heavy burden as a soldier, a wife, a lover, a mechanic, a country music fan, and as a mother.) I really need to take a break from this feminist movement crap.
"I can't let DJ and Kenji... (Duo and Hilde didn't conform to ethnic standards either. So what! They aren't Japanese and neither are their sons. Plus, they spent a week on the internet looking for non-European names.)... pilot a gundam." Hilde put her hands on her hips.
"We can't trust them with a Gundam," Duo finally admitted.
"What do you mean?" she asked. On cue, a young teenager who looked exactly like Duo except with short hair, burst into the kitchen, slipped on the excessively waxed linoleum, bashed his head on the floor, and laid there unconscious.
His brother walked in. He looked exactly like Hilde except with long hair. He laughed at his brother. However, he somehow managed to trip over his sibling in the same fashion.
Hilde explained, "They have bad coordination and are in 'special' classes." She used quote marks.
"Damn," cursed Une. "What am I going to do with Deathscythe Max Ultimate and Deathscythe Ultimate Max?"
Yuy Base
The phone rang, and a loud scream shattered the stillness.
"Shh, it's okay, Relena. It's just the phone," assured her life time partner, Heero.
Her wide frightened eyes, that were teal, looked at him skittishly. "Phone," she repeated and calmer, "phone."
"Hello, Yuy residence," he answered automatically.
(Hey, me again. I will like to remind you that even if Relena is having a mental breakdown, it isn't exactly because she is a weak woman. She has been through a lot of stress. As a matter of fact, if a man went through that kind of stress, he would be in a worse condition. I would also like to state...)
(The voice of the feminist movement has been forever silenced. Mission Successful).
Heero knew immediately what Une demanded of him. "Mission Failed," he told her. (At least, one of us was successful.)
"Failure is not an option," she scolded the once perfect soldier. She sighed. "What happened to your daughter?"
"She is a convicted felon, and is completely looney. She is also a pyro, klepto, and homicidal; she is also a rapist, and she almost killed her mother," he informed her. "However, the Maxwell boys do visit her every week for a quick romp."
"At least one part of the mission was successful," she said with relief. "But I still can't believe that Harmony..."
Heero shouted, "No don't say..." It was too late. Relena ran around the room, flapping like a flamingo, and yelling at the top of her longs.
"Harmony! Harmony! Harmony!" Then she jumped out of the window. Heero sighed. The ex-gundam pilot (Remember, he's 32 and too old to pilot a Gundam) rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"You're not even going to save her!" Une screeched.
"Wait for it," he demanded.
Une saw something pink momentarily come in view of the window. Then it disappeared. "What was that?" she said befuddled. A few seconds later she saw it again. It was Relena.
"She did that so often, we just put a trampoline under the window. Saves on medical bills," he said coolly.
"Well, nice chatting with you," Une said politely.
"You too, let me know how the fate of the world goes," he replied.
(Oh and in case you're wondering. Harmony looks like Relena only with Heero's eyes.)
Chang Temple
"I understand Une, and the twins are willing to do whatever they can to protect the world," Wufei said compliantly.
"Fate of the World," she corrected him.
"Right," he said. "Just one question."
"What?" she asked softly.
Wufei cleared his throat, "Are those Gundams fitted for two?"
She rose one eyebrow. "What? Oh, I get it. They want to make out with one of the children of the other pilot's."
"No," he answered. He moved to the side, so she could see the twins first-hand. One was male and one was female. They were a distinct combination of both Sally and Wufei. They looked to be very close. As a matter of fact, they were conjoined. "They're Siamese twins," he stated the obvious.
"Umm, I got to go," she said quickly before logging off.
"Wait! Injustice!"
Winner Mansion
Une couldn't believe what she was seeing. She never thought Dorothy would be the dominatrix type (Really, she didn't see it coming). Here were the happily married couple; Dorothy had all black leather on, and a leash that was attached to the blonde man's collar, which was the only thing he was wearing. Their daughter was in the background, chatting on the phone. She was completely ignorant to her parents' antics.
"Is Amethyst ready to be a pilot?" she questioned. (FYI: It was one of the Gundam pilot's mission to name their offspring after a jewel. Quatre drew the short straw).
"I am not being a dumb soldier!" screeched the girl. She had the voice of mythical harpies. The girl's outburst shortened Une's natural life considerably.
And the blonde girl (she inherited Dorothy's eyebrows) ranted on like the energizer bunny (ON and ON). "I will not have some macho missions cut into my social life!"
(Thank god the voice of the feminist is gone)
"I am too good for this. Send Edgar! Servants are more expendable! And I am NOT missing the prom. The football captain asked me out! If you make me miss this chance, I'll hate you forever," the drone of young teenage hormones ceased, when Dorothy shot her daughter in the mouth.
Une opened her own mouth in shock, but couldn't string any words.
"Dorothy," Quatre scolded. "You have to stop doing that. We can't keep ahhhh." Dorothy pulled back the whip she had just used on her husband. Truthfully, the whip looked natural in her hand.
"My dear little Quat," she purred. "You know better than to speak without my permission; I believe you need to be taught another lesson. In the mean time, we need another heir." The predatory woman advance on the bounded man.
"Help me," Quatre whimpered in a small voice.
"I'm sorry Quatre," Une said. "But I can't interfere with true love."
She ended the connection to give them some privacy.
There was only one hope for the future left.
Barton Trailer
"He doesn't have any birth defects?"
"No."
"Criminal Record?"
"No."
"Perfect vision and hand-eye coordination?" she asked hopefully.
"As far as I know."
"He isn't a complete, selfish brat... is he?"
"Not that I know of."
"So, he is ready to pilot a Gundam?"
"No," he denied.
Une groaned, "What now!?"
"There wasn't a convenient woman for miles," he admitted.
Une countered, "What do you call Catherine?"
"I don't know about you," Catherine's voice came from nowhere, "but 'Sis' isn't exactly my idea of a sexy nickname."
Une conceded, "Fine, fine...Did you find a hooker?"
Trowa's shoulders slumped. "They were easy enough to find. However, you can't pay a hooker to marry you and breed a super soldier," he said. (Admittedly, Trowa's approach wasn't that discreet. He actually asked several prostitutes how much it would cost to bear a super soldier for him. For some odd reason no one put out).
Une looked at him seriously, as she asked, "You did find a woman, didn't you?"
"Of course," he said. "After researching some websites, I noticed several pairing shrines for a child acquaintance of mind. I had completely forgotten about her."
"I hate you!" a new woman announced from the bedroom.
"I don't know how I ever forgot about her," he groaned.
"So what is the problem?" she asked in annoyance.
"It took fifteen years just to find her. Admittedly, I didn't look that hard. But still, she wasn't that convenient. Canon couple my ass. To be canon, don't you at least have to appear in one episode. Princess Tsubaki (1) played a bigger role than her; she probably would have been easier to find too (And a lot hotter. She was at least sexually mature)," he ranted under his breath. Une was silenced by his ooc-ness...wasn't he a mute? However, she quickly got it together.
"You mean the pilot of Heavier Arms isn't born yet," she sighed.
"Exactly," he admitted. "Fifteen years of my life, wasted."
"Thank you anyway," she said with her head hung low.
Preventers' HQ
Une was seriously regretting not having a plan B. She stewed in her own failure while drinking a delicious cup of Maxwell's coffee with a little scotch.
Longingly she gazed at the visage of Treize's picture. "Treize-sama (She used Japanese. She isn't Japanese, but who cares) I have failed you."
(The end.)
(1) Princess Tsubaki was a short lived character from Yami no Matsei. She only appeared on three episodes of the Tarot Curse. Which at the end, she was killed by Muraki.
P.S. For any YnM fans. Have you noticed the short life expectency for women.
Totally unrelated to GW, but here's a YnM female death count: Most of it's Muraki's fault.
1. Anonymous victim (She looked a lot like Catherine)
2. I believe two other vampire victims.
3. Maria Wong
4. Kazuza Otonoshi (sob)
5. Ms. Hojo
6. Tsubaki Kakyoin
7. Eilien
8. Ten more anonymous murder victims of Muraki
9. Maki (Muraki)
10. Mariko (Muraki again)
Twenty women in 13 episodes... Did I get them all? Wait!! Maria's stepmother died in the Manga version...Muraki did it. Which is okay, because she was evil. Hisae Tojo in the manga. Why did I end up writing about YnM in a purely GW spoof?