Blundering into the Depths of Despair
Endless Remorse
Why must you let me endure this unbearable pain? Why must you torture me perpetually, even when I try to escape into the depths of depression? Even when I drown myself in my own pools of misery, you still pull me up from the dark recesses. It is not because you want to rescue me from silent death and deliver me from my demise. It is because you have no other to pour out more of your troubles onto.
I am only a pillar of strength for all to lean on for trust and comfort. No one knows of the numerous cracks, of the weakening foundation, of the quiet crumbling. Bearing the weight of the world assails me with grief. A mind torn apart, shattered by the constant quandaries. I will never be free, chained and fettered, consumed by the hate and confusion.
Yet you still pull me back, depriving me from complete peace and serenity. The horrible memories engulf me once more. All I want is for such things to blur, for everything to fade before me. This life I lead, this time I abided, this endless longing and waiting – they have lost their meaning. I live in my loneliness with just the solitude of suffering by my side.
This predicament, this dilemma, all my quixotic solutions have done nothing but allow me to tumble further into grief. It is all over, leaving but a hurting human soul. In the past, what kept me alive, what kindled my spirit were childhood fantasies. But even those are oppressed and smashed by the towering shadows of reality. Glimpses of promising futures and cherished ambitions evanesce day by day. I fall more and more into spaces never experienced before, into the vast emptiness.
Sunlight is no more to me, only an illusion drifting faraway from my grasp. Happiness is a fleeting hope, luring me into unreal dimensions. Enveloped by misty confusion, nothing can save me; nothing can free me from the tight clutches of unhappiness. There is only one path, one path to extricate myself from this quagmire, one path to prevent myself from quailing anymore in the face of reality.
So now even if I cannot bask in the sheer darkness, I will continue, blind to all happiness and unfeeling to love. All emotions remain lost to me forever. Even the momentous relief of dreams cannot mend the broken pieces. I will submerge my mind in a state of apathy, dousing it with indifference. In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?