What follows are the complete, intercepted communications between author Lemony Snicket and editor Lemony Snicket's Editor. As the following were intercepted, they did not reach the recipient in complete form; some were a bit ripped. The previous sentence may have been the slightest bit of an understatement, as might this one be.
L. S. TO L.S.'s EDITOR:
To My Kind Editor,
My enemies, I fear, are closing in. I have recently been particularly alarmed by a woman
with extremely long fingernails, whom I've spotted numerous times. I mustn't tell my location
so that you might never return this even if there are dire grammatical errors within it's lines.
Lousy Lane ends in a cul-de-sac of which you know I am so deathly afraid of. In fact, I met a
gas station attendant, who said that I was first he'd met to be afraid of them. Irrelevant as this is,
the complete manuscript of you-know-what can be found in you're mail box directly next to this but not
anywhere near a match!
Remember, you are my last hope that the tales of the Baudelaire orphans can finally
be told to the general public.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket
L. S. TO L.S.'s EDITOR:
To My Kind Editor,
I must apologize for the mix-up in addresses but I have to say that you being anywhere NEAR her was
completely inappropriate and I certainly hope it doesn't happen again. I did indeed send the manuscript
but I doubt it is in your hands now, as it is instead in mine because as I mentioned, there was a mix up.
Instead of driving to our regular pick-up-manuscript-here-in-case-of-self-sending-mix-up place, there is
field of daisies across the Lane from the Church of the Alleged Virgin. Nearby the daisies are wildflowers;
if you dig straight down in the middle of the wildflowers, you are quite likely (hopefully definitely) to find
book the twelfth's manuscript.
Remember, you are my last hope that the tales of the Baudelaire orphans can finally
be told to the general public.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket
L. S. TO L.S.'s EDITOR:
To My Kind Editor,
I must once again apologize, now for my own inability to plant the manuscript on time. As they say,
"third time's the charm." Hopefully, this letter will reach you perfectly and I will be able to do as I say
without anyone right on my tail. Not that I have a tail. Because I do not. Ahem.
The alleyway behind the building of which the alleyway of which I speak is directly behind is, in my eyes,
an excellent hiding place for the you-know-what. Just imagine, after this volume, there's only one to go in
the dreadful story of the Baudelaire orphans and all the rest of us and the general public will finally know.
Do NOT USE THE eternal identifying phrase (TWIQH), however, because it sort of rhymes with 'smear'.
Remember, you are my last hope that the tales of the Baudelaire orphans can finally
be told to the general public.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket
L. S. TO L.S.'s EDITOR:
To My Kind Editor,
How many apologies will I have to make in my miserable lifetime? As no one says but I am about to,
"fourth time's the charm." My enemies have been hot on my trail as you may have reasoned, and the
continued treachery of certain peoples who shall remain nameless is worse than ever before.
One of the curviest roads I've seen is the one to you need to follow, and it is sure to make you bitterer than
a cup of very bitter lemonyade (tee hee punny pun!). Please forgive horrendous laughter; it's catchy.
The twelfth book, entitled THE OMINOUS OMEN can be found at the end of this road.
Remember, you are my last hope that the tales of the Baudelaire orphans can finally
be told to the general public.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket
L. S. TO L.S.'s EDITOR:
To My Kind Editor,
Please accept yet another attempt to have the twelfth book finally reach your hands and publishing houses.
This time I am certain you will receive it and for that reason I will not tell you its location. Actually, it is
impossible to describe and that is why I will not tell you its location. Actually, I will tell you in detail.
The Galway Kennel, directly opposite the last place at which I spoke to you in person. Inside, the dog that
barks the loudest holds a note behind his rear-right paw. It will you lead to a man with a key in the third
chapter in his textbook, DOGGIES FOR DUMMIES, which may not be too reassuring thinking of his job.
Remember, you are my last hope that the tales of the Baudelaire orphans can finally
be told to the general public.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket
L. S. TO L.S.'s EDITOR:
To My Kind Editor,
The last safe place has been reached by you-know-who. Oh wait. You don't. Nor do I. However, in the
laundry of someone who shall remain nameless, I have found a manuscript of a supposed book, with the
title of the twelfth Baudelaire book. But it was not written By Lemony Snicket, but by someone else.
Her name, (I say 'her' of course, because I felt very much in the mood to type an extra 'r'):
Snicket47
Remember, you are my last hope that the REAL tales of the Baudelaire orphans can finally
be told to the general public.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket
The following are the thirteen individual chapters of the Snicket47 manuscript, THE OMINOUS OMEN, also intercepted en route from Snicket to his editor. Within each chapter there are numerous 'Snicky-notes', or comments from the author to his editor including complaints, criticisms, inaccuracies, and various conversational starters. As Snicket will repeatedly remind you, what follows is NOT the true story of the Baudelaire orphans, however clever an imitation it is, and any information involving any secret organizations you shouldn't know about is undoubtedly FALSE.
Read on at your own risk.