Title: Caught on the Line
Disclaimer: Surprise, surprise, I don't own ER.
Summary: Neela & Ray. I wrote this after I saw the season finale for 13, and became angry at my TV. It's another stab at "I Don't" but it just follows Neela around; this time she'll get it right! To be honestly, I actually don't read fanfics…I've read a handful here and there but this sites definitely seems worth checking out.
"Since when is a bloody department dinner mandatory?" Neela muttered to herself as she put in her earring. True, she hadn't been at County General for that long, but she still thought it was rather odd Kovac insisted on everyone attending this year. Going out was the last thing she felt like doing tonight, especially with her co-workers…two in particular.
To say her working environment had become awkward would be an understatement. Luckily she could spend most of her time tucked away upstairs…and away from the ER. But then soon enough it'd be her turn to be the surgeon on call and down there she'd be.
Her on-again off-again Gates fiasco had been coming to a head for weeks, maybe even longer if she bothered to keep track. What she wanted to be a fling ended up becoming more complicated then she anticipated. She needed someone to rebound off of but yet again, it backfired on her as things tended to do. Now she was stuck in that awkward place of waiting. She wanted to end it with Gates for good, but the timing wasn't right. First, his wife, or girlfriend, lover, she wasn't even sure what she was but she did know she had killed herself. And though it probably had a lot to do with Neela, she wasn't ready to admit that. But she did know she would have felt guilty ending it with Gates so soon after it happened. So she did nothing. More time passed, when it seemed right, Gates told her he was probably going to lose custody of his daughter…or not his daughter but the kid he thought was his daughter…Neela couldn't even keep up anymore but the bottom line was that yet again she put it off. So there she was. Stuck in limbo in a relationship she couldn't even define.
To say her working environment had become awkward would be an understatement. It wasn't possible to avoid Gates; after all he was a doctor down there. Well, intern anyway though by the way he fluffed his feathers and strutted around it was obvious he thought his age synced up with his medical seniority. She sometimes felt whatever she said, or tried to say to him would just go in one ear and right out the other. Her problems with that intern were just the appetizer though; her real problems were served with a side of an R3. Ray to be exact.
If avoiding Gates in the ER was one objective then her primary would be avoiding Ray. Since their lips were introduced to one another, things between them were just weird. Never knowing what to say, but trying to act natural. Being unexplainably nervous around him when he was once the one she felt most comfortable with. She wished she could somehow go back to that place. That place in time they once shared when they were friends. Almost seemed like a joke now, "friends." We're they ever just friends?
The situation reminded her of a conversation she once had with Abby, coincidently on the same day she agreed to move in with Ray.
"Do you ever get crushes on people you work with?" she cooed.
"What do you mean?" Abby asked.
"You know, crushes, on people you work with," Neela repeated.
"Yeah I guess, sometimes. Why?"
At the time Neela wasn't even talking about Ray, but now it did seem like a pattern of behavior was visible. She did tend to go for men in a professional proximity to herself. In college, it was Dr. Gibson, her professor. Then Michael, a doctor, Kovac, a doctor, Ray, a doctor and Gates a….well he was still 'that intern' to her, but technically was yet again, a doctor.
She later talked to Abby again about what do to in such a situation to which Abby replied, "Ignore it, hope it goes away."
"Right," Neela eagerly agreed, "No need to discuss it."
"No, denial works."
Well she had taken that advice, for sure. She had become quite good at ignoring whatever it was she felt for Ray. She was even somewhat surprised he still liked her after the way she had been treating him this past year. She knew she had to work things out with him, one way or another. She knew she had to end it with Gates, one way or another. She just didn't want to do either tonight. Which is why, as usual, she would try her best to avoid the both of them and put it off yet again. She always did feel weak and unconfident, perhaps this was just her fight or flight instinct coming into play. "Flight" did seem like the easier choice to her.
Neela wasn't even done putting in her second earring when she heard an unexpected knock on her door. "Wait just a second," she said.
It was Gates, unannounced. She was used to him being unpredictable but was also disappointed to know her plans for avoiding were now cancelled. Opening the door she asked, "What are you doing here?"
"I thought we could go to this ER shindig together," he said as if she should have automatically assumed the same.
It looked like she'd have to stop putting things off after all. She agreed to go with him but informed him that they needed to talk. She sort of realized there never would be that perfect moment to break it off. And the longer she made excuses for delay, the more awkward it would surely become.
They soon arrived at the dinner, which turned out to be not just a dinner but a surprise wedding. The buzz in the air told her that not even Abby knew about this. Suddenly Neela's own spur-of-the-moment wedding didn't seem so crazy after all, in comparison.
Neela smiled as she talked to her colleagues. Always feeling out of place at social events, she tried her best to mask it by smiling and laughing. It seemed to do the trick, even if she did find herself laughing at stories that weren't even that funny, as was the current case with something Gates was babbling about. Through all the smiles and laughs she could still feel a heavy stare upon her - one she had grown all too accustom to. She briefly darted her eyes over to find Ray across the room at the bar with his eyes upon her. Then, she did what she had learned to do best: ignore it.
Perhaps it was a defense mechanism. Like the way she ignored the way his shoes distinctively clanked across the linoleum of the ER, a definitive tell that he was in transit. Or the way she ignored how cute he looked when he wore his jacket over his lab coat when it was cold. The way she ignored every single guitar pick she ever found in their apartment, the ones in his pockets on laundry day, the ones she found between the cushions of the couch, and even that one she found in the cookie jar which still made her laugh in retrospect. She ignored every meeting of their eyes, every brush of their bodies, and even every breath she slowly exhaled when he exited the shower, his towel low riding around his waist.
Quickly tuning back in to the conversation, she gently smiled and nodded as if she knew what was being said. By the time she glanced back, Ray had already disappeared from the bar.
The evening felt more like she was watching a movie verses living through it, a strange movie with too much mellow drama and character actors. Act one, scene one: familiar faces gather at an undisclosed location. Enter Hope. She was running around franticly trying to tie up all the loose ends and attend to every minute detail. Neela tried to stay out of her way, but couldn't help to notice what a perfectionist she seemed to be. Neela tried to mingle some more but soon found her mind wondering off. She glanced over again as Hope scurried out of the kitchen, worked up over the appetizers, or so it appeared. She did seem to have a touch of OCD at the moment. OCD…Neela's mind wondered off again. If it weren't for that disorder, she wouldn't even be at County General, strangely enough. She was asked back only after an intern with OCD quit. If that never happened then there was a good chance she never would have become a doctor. She never would have found her niche in surgery. She never would have met Ray.
The night continued. The bar was still short one person. Act one, scene two: A man stands alone in am empty room. Enter Neela. She made her way upstairs where Pratt informed her Ray had escaped to. And there he was. At least, physically, his mind was also off somewhere else…with someone else. Hearing heels coming in his direction snapped him back to reality only to find that same someone heading towards him. His heart skipped a beat. She said something. He responded. She received a belated Valentine's gift. He said something else but she wasn't really listening. She was trying too hard to think about what to say next, instead of just saying what she was thinking. She always did that. Nevertheless, she managed to say something to him about her situation. Maybe not the right thing, maybe she was being vague again. Their eyes met. She tried to ignore it, almost as a reflex by this point. For a moment she watched him look deep inside of her, perhaps looking for the good friend she used to be. He gently caressed her wrist with his thumb. She smiled, started to speak. Enter Hope. She let Neela know Abby was looking for her. Neela looked at Ray then did the other thing she did best, walked away. End scene.
The ceremony came and went. It was a blur. Neela remembered rambling on in Punjabi, hoping she at least appeared to be saying something positive and romantic. She kept looking over at Ray, but he didn't seem to notice. She didn't know what to do…again. Maybe that was her baseline after all. At least Gates seemed preoccupied for the moment, one thing at a time. Something didn't feel right, though. Maybe it was just her mind overanalyzing everything; maybe she was just being pessimistic. Whatever the reason, she couldn't escape the feeling that something bad was going to happen tonight.
It was a strange and sudden feeling that made her uncomfortable. She brushed it off as nerves and stepped out on the balcony for some fresh air. She leaned over on the railing trying to calculate if enough time had passed where she could leave without looking like she was ducking out. It seemed like a good time to make a run for it back to her empty apartment. Just to be sure, she went over her mental check list…congratulated Abby and Luka: check. Filmed her bit for Morris' video: check. Sipped some champagne and nibbled on some cake: check. Satisfied with her performance, Neela turned to leave, but instead saw she had an audience.
"Hey, I was looking for you," Gates said.
"Yeah, I ugh, needed to step out," she said as she walked over to him.
"Some wedding, huh?"
"Lovely," she replied.
"Hell, I was half expecting Abby to make a run for it…lost 50 bucks to Frank."
Neela, who was done forcing herself to laugh at his jokes, looked up, "Tony, we really need to talk."
"We are talking. See? Look, me saying something, you saying something back. We're naturals."
"Stop it, just…" Neela exhaled and folded her arms, "I'm just so tired."
"Well hey, let's get out of here then. My car's parked just around the back, let me…"
"No, Tony," she said with more tone in her voice, "I mean this! Us. Whatever it is, I can't do it anymore."
"Woah, woah, woah, slow down for a minute. I know it's been sort of strange lately, but we're getting there."
Neela looked to her left and her right, "Getting where?"
"I don't know, I was just saying."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you, we're not going anywhere. We never were going anywhere, really. I think that's why I got into this in the first place."
"Ah now don't talk like that," he said with a certain whine, "We can work it out. We just hit a few speed bumps. I know I've said our relationship's been sort of undefined… so let's work on defining it."
He reached out and gently stroked the side of Neela's face. She politely let a few moments pass to make it seem like she was at least considering what he had proposed. She then looked up at him and pulled his hand off of her.
"Look," she said, "I think we both needed this to help us move on. We knew it would be nothing serious. I mean, I don't love you. You don't love me. That's not going to change."
Gates looked at her, half annoyed, but the other half believed what she was saying. Nevertheless, he said, "It doesn't have to be like that. If we tried, for real, maybe there would be something."
He hadn't even finished speaking before Neela started shaking her head, "No, it's just…it's like having a layover. You know? Sometimes, you need to go somewhere and hang out for a little while before you can get to where you really need to be."
Now, fully annoyed, Gates responded, "Oh, and where is it you need to be?"
Neela closed her eyes and sighed. But wasn't all to surprised he couldn't comprehend a metaphor. "Not here with you, I'm sorry," she mumbled.
"Come on," he said in a near yell, "This have anything to do with Barnett?"
Neela looked up, a little surprised. "Leave Ray out of this."
"Well Neela, come on!" he yelled, "That's not moving on, that taking a step backwards, don't you think?"
"It's none of your business. You don't even know," she was cut off.
"Know what? That you two had a little thing going on that's long over? That he still pants all over you in the ER like some desperate dog begging for any scraps you'll throw his way?"
"That's enough, Tony!" she yelled. "I wanted to end this with you on good terms, but you're not making that very easy!"
"Oh so what, just because Ray couldn't get over you, you feel you like you owe him something out of pity? A consolation prize?"
Neela grinded her teeth, "Ray is the only person who's always been in my corner. But I guess loyalty is something you don't understand! Everything's just a commodity to you. I was a commodity, Meg was a commodity! You can't just use people when it's convenient for you, you know. So don't you dare bash Ray for being a loyal friend when loyalty is the last thing you'll ever practice!" She strutted back inside, maybe he still had more to say to her but she didn't care. She was done. It was done.
She made her way straight to the bathroom to let herself cool off. The night had become a complete mess for her. She only hoped Abby was too preoccupied to notice. The last thing Neela wanted to do was upset her with all the drama she seemed to be a lightning rod for. Maybe she asked for it. She did have a bad habit of letting things happen to her, verses making things happen. Breaking up with Gates was actually one of the first things she made happen in a long time.
She fanned herself with the CD in her purse, hoping she could cool the anger off of her face. How much he frustrated her! She regretted ever getting into that mess in the first place. She had been regretting a lot of things lately. This was just another on the long list of things she wished she could take back. The plastic of the CD case clanked as she franticly waved it in front of her. Despite her efforts, she could still feel her face flushed. She closed her eyes and rested her chin in the palm of her hand. She flipped the CD over and looked at the cover again. It was a photo of her and Ray, in happier times. She couldn't even remember when it was taken. She could barely even remember what it felt like to be happy anymore. There was always something in her way, be it another person, or herself.
Sam seemed to be having a good time, at least. Neela exited the ladies room and passed a clearly tipsy Sam as she made out with some guy, maybe another nurse, Neela wasn't sure. Hope and Morris seemed to be having a good time as well. Neela could hear Hope's laugh from the corner of the room as she playfully shoved Morris' shoulder. He smiled at her and whispered something in her ear, causing her to shove him yet again while giggling his name.
"Neela, thanks so much for being up there with me." The voice came from Abby, who was now standing before Neela, about eye level. She looked at her with a soft smile then continued, "It was a little scary, I'll admit, but…thank you."
Neela smiled in return. That was the least she could do. It was bad enough she had used Ray as her doormat for the past year, but she also felt she was never there for Abby. She had seemed to let the people closest to her simply fade away.
"Welcome, Abby," she said as she gave her a friendly hug. "But all small talk aside, I want you to know that I am truly happy for you," she smiled.
"Thanks, Neela. When all this dust settles we should go to dinner or something…just the two of us and catch up, ya know?"
"I'd like that. I um, I just want you to know that, well I know we've both been caught up in our own things for a while but you've been a good friend. I mean, you've always been a good friend. I remember you tried your best to help me through my funk before I came back to County." Neela laughed, "Not too many people would've been able to put up with my bum on their couch for over six months…"
Abby laughed, "Yeah well, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Besides, it wasn't that long before Ray got stuck with you anyway." Abby smiled not knowing if she should have caught herself. Honestly, she couldn't keep up with Neela these days. "It is kind of strange though, how things sometimes work out," she glanced across the room at Luka then continued, "I know it sounds so clichéd. Nothing ever goes the way you plan it to…then every once in a while things sorta fall into place."
"Yeah, every once in awhile," Neela repeated, not really believing it though.
"Look at me, I never thought I'd get married again. And here I am," she announced as she extended her arms in the air.
Neela smiled. She couldn't be positive but she swore there was a hint of giddiness to Abby, a rare occurrence for her. "You're cute, Abby."
Abby's smile grew so much that it appeared she was squinting. She reached over and held Neela's shoulder. "I wanna go check on Joe. Have some more cake!" she demanded before whisking away.
Neela watched her friend disappear into the back room just as someone else caught her eye. From the corner she saw Gates looking at her, brief eye contact was made. She tried to look away as quickly as possible but it was too late, he started to move across the floor in a direct pattern towards her.
It was time for some evasive action on Neela's part. Pivoting around on her foot she headed straight towards the bar, now she just needed a drink. She brushed her backside, making sure her dress was neatly tucked beneath her before sitting on the stool. Slowly, she looked over. Mission accomplished. Gates was out of sight. Either she was being paranoid, or for once, he actually took the hint. Either way, she was satisfied.
Neela made eye contact with the bartender, "Margarita, please. With extra salt." The bartender smiled and gave a nod before he turned around to fix her drink. She didn't even like the salt. She'd always clear a patch away with her finger before taking a sip…she just thought it looked pretty.
"Margarita, extra salt," he said as he slid it over the counter with a wink.
"Thanks," she replied, already wiping a section clear. Suddenly, she got a whiff of something. Soft and familiar, the cologne tickled her olfactory senses into gear. She followed it with her eyes over to where Ray sat, half hunched over the bar with several empty shot glasses before him. Neela headed towards him, his scent began to come more in focus.
She remembered back when he started wearing it. Michael was scheduled to come home and Ray was temporarily exiled, for their privacy. As it turned out, Michael's leave was postponed, but Neela had grown to like living alone, in a quiet apartment for a change. She even teased Ray that since he'd been gone, 'that smell' in the apartment had left with him. After that is when she noticed he started to wear cologne. She never did know what brand it was, but she would have bet money that it was specifically engineered for her pheromones. He did it on purpose, to drive her mad, that much she was sure of. She could smell it when he entered the apartment. She smelled it on the pillows in the living room. The scent lingered even after she washed his clothes. One day temptation got the best of her. She was on the floor folding their laundry when she came across his favorite tee shirt. He wore it the most…it was the most fragrant of them all. Somehow, that shirt managed to find itself neatly tucked away in her pajama drawer. Not too long after that, it found itself gently hugging her curves at night while she slept.
"Hi, Ray," she whispered as she filled the seat next to him.
"Dr. Rasgotra," he said not looking at her but at the bartender as he signaled for another drink.
He was pissed. He never called her that. She didn't know what she did…tonight anyway. She watched him for a moment, but he still wouldn't face her, "We never got to finish, back upstairs." She motioned with a tilt of her head.
He threw her a look that made her heart sink a bit. His eyed began to flutter before he snarled, "Not finishing what we started…sounds like par for the course for us, wouldn't you agree?"
"I guess," she reluctantly agreed while staring down to the floor. She looked up to him before questioning, a slight squeak in her voice, "Did I…do something?"
Ray laughed in his throat. "You have this uncanny ability for making me feel like a complete ass." A sarcastic smirk decorated his face.
Her puppy eyes were out in full force, hoping they would soften the blow of what he wanted to say next. "I don't understand, I thought I…"
"No, let me finish," he looked at her for the first time, then continued, "I believed you, up there," he motioned to the ceiling with his eyes, "I believed you when you told me you couldn't be with me without the guilt. I believed you when you explained you needed…to rebound." He took another sip of his drink, "You told me before to wait and I've been waiting. I'm still waiting but part of me knows that's all I'll ever get to do."
"That's not true."
"Well Neela, then riddle me this, how come you keep leading me on, then push me away? I can't…I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm caught on the line here," his voice slightly cracked, "You need to just reel me in or cut me loose."
"I know, I was just confused. I've been a mess lately. It's almost been a year since Michael...it's been stirring my emotions up. But I don't know why you're mad though, I told you I was going to take care of things," she said.
"Take care of things," he sighed, "Cut the shit, Neela, I saw you."
"You saw me?" She questioned still not knowing what he was referring to.
Ray exhaled deeply. "I was looking for you earlier," he stated softly as he finished what remained of his drink. "I ugh, I was going to ask you to dance" he let out a small chuckle, as if he was laughing at himself. "And there you were on the balcony with him. He had his hands all over you, as usual. It's funny, you'd think I'd be used to it by now. But I'm such an idiot, I still believe you every time you tell me…"
"It's over," Neela butted in.
"Yeah, that," he said as she finished his thought.
"No, I mean Gates and me, we're over."
Ray smirked, "I've heard that before."
"That's what I was talking to him about on the balcony. He tried to talk me out of it but I told him we were done."
"Really?" Ray asked with a slight hint of hope lingering in his voice.
"Really," she confirmed.
"Well then, congratulations, you just lost 180 pounds of dead weight." He stood up and pulled his keys from his pocket, "Goodbye, Neela."
Neela felt a pit in her stomach. Again, the feeling hit her that something was wrong, a feeling that something awful was going to happen. She watched as Ray clumsily made his way to the exit and disappeared. A deep exhale escaped her. She thought how awful it was for her to always be misunderstood, misinterpreted. No one cared to try to empathize with her and what she was going through. There she went again, indulging in self-pity. A bad habit that was hard to break.
"Go after him," she though. "Get off your arse and go after him." Her mind and body were not in sync. She heard the thoughts in her heard, but her body did nothing in response. She always was bad at psyching herself into doing something. Instead, she finished what was left of her drink. "Go!," she thought, "Get up and go!" She felt as if she were in a lucid dream, the kind she often found herself trapped in when the alarm sounded in the morning. The kind of dreaming where she was awake and still asleep at the same time. She would hear her alarm…her thoughts would psych her to get up out of bed. She heard them, but often ignored it. Ignoring it made it go away. Ignoring it was easier, safer, predictable.
"Get up…get up…get up…GET UP!" her thoughts were screaming at her so load she swore she felt a headache manifesting.
"Had enough?" the bartender asked as he cleared away her empty glass.
Neela looked up. She stared at him briefly as she considered the question. "Yes," she answered as she rose, "I have had enough."
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Ray staggered over to his SUV, glad to be getting the hell out of there. He felt like a jackass for falling for her lies. He felt like a jackass for falling for her. He pressed the button on his key chain to unlock his doors but nothing happened. He sighed; he remembered he had forgotten to change the batteries in that thing. Flipping it around, he tried to insert his key in the keyhole but missed. He wasn't thinking straight. He tried again. This time the keys fell from his hand onto the ground. Ray laughed. It pretty much summed up how his night had gone. He picked them up and tried once more.
"Ray?" It was Neela. She stood behind him. He hadn't even heard her come over.
"Neela, don't. Just don't. I had enough for one night, really I can't do anymore.
So just, just go, ok?" He fidgeted with his keys again. And once again he couldn't manage to get his door open. "Dammit!" he yelled.
"You're drunk, let me drive you home."
"I'm not drunk. I'm barely even buzzed!"
"Ray, give me the keys," she waited but he didn't respond. "Ray…" she reached for his hand and gently rubbed his wrist with her thumb. He looked at her, not completely impressed but still touched by the callback gesture. "Please," she whispered and without saying a word he slipped them into her hand and made his way to the passenger's seat.
Neela did not speak either. She got into his car. Her mind started to flash again. She hadn't been sleeping well for a while and was convinced she was experiencing some form of dreaming, hypnogogic, most likely. Random images and memories kept flooding back to her. Like the last time she had been in his car. The kiss they shared. How she fought the voices in her head telling her to invite him upstairs. The look in his eyes when she left his car. The look in his eyes when she moved out. Devil movies. Poker. Chai. Honey.
There was only silence in the car, save for the humming of the engine and the whispering of the radio that was barley audible. She drove him home but neither said a word. She glanced over at him a few times to see if he was even awake. He was. He just stared out the window expressionless, emotionless.
The car slowly rolled to a stop. Before he could object, Neela hopped out and escorted him inside the building she once lived in. Seemed like a lifetime ago, so much had happened since those days it was hard for her to believe that barely a year had passed. Ray was still silent. He opened the door and gestured for her to enter. Neela slowly stepped inside their old apartment for the first time since she had left it. Ray walked in behind her and flicked on the lights. He removed his jacket and flung it over the back of the couch.
"You got a fish tank," she said wishing she was quick thinking enough to say something better to break the silence with.
"Yeah" he unenthusiastically replied.
Neela gently ran her finger up the front of the tank and watched as the goldfish followed it. "Does it have a name?"
"Neela"
"Yes?"
Ray came over to her. She looked up at him as he gazed into her big brown eyes. He exhaled deeply. His breath gave her tingles as it gently hit her cheek. Neela watched as he reached out, anticipating his touch on her face, she slowly closed her eyes. A moment passed. Two. She opened her eyes to look at him just as he pulled in his reach from behind her, holding a container of fish food.
"I named her Neela," he said as he sprinkled flakes into the water.
"Oh," she said, caught off guard and a bit embarrassed.
There was another moment of silence. Not that she blamed him for it. She wouldn't want to talk to herself either. But the silence in the room grew just long enough to qualify as awkward. Once again she tried her best to break it, knowing she'd probably babble something stupid out.
"Is your roommate home?" she asked. She blinked her eyes a few times in a row, knowing that probably was the most stupid thing she could have said.
Ray just looked at her, his expression was enough to tell her but he pointed out the obvious anyway, "I never got another. You were kinda a hard act to follow."
She looked up at him. He looked at her and their eyes locked. Suddenly her mind was firing off those random images again. Scattered papers. Empty cereal boxes. Her coffee-drenched laptop. Ray's bear chest.
"Right," was the only response she managed.
"It's fine. Hey, I've had my share of crazy roommates anyway, a couple junkies, a klepto, that one textbook sociopath…so yeah I'd rather just dish out the 1300 a month myself for some peace of mind."
"Yeah," she agreed, "When did your rent go up?"
"Huh?" This time it was Ray who was caught off guard.
"It was only 1000 when I lived here."
"Oh yeah, that." He folded his arms and tilted his head down towards her, "I just told you that, hoping you'd agree to move in with me," he laughed, "I had this crazy notion that a girl roomie would be less messy."
Neela laughed, "Well, we both know how that turned out."
"Yeah, but at least I got free laundry service outta the deal."
She smiled at him and suddenly got a whiff of his cologne, it was teasing her again. "Yeah, that's true," she said. Pizza with extra anchovies. Tequila. Beer. A jukebox.
"Hey make yourself comfortable," he said before he disappeared into the bathroom.
Neela stared. Low riding towels. Guitar picks. His favorite shirt. Maybe her margarita hit her harder than she thought. Maybe her lack of sleep was catching up to her again or maybe all she kept bottled up was finally surfacing at full force. She could feel a surge of emotion ready to burst out of her. The feeling was only comparable to the feeling she felt whenever she went somewhere new for the first time. Such as the first time she came to America, her first day at Yale, her first day at County. Neela was not sure what had changed, but her looming feeling of impending doom had subsided. Now, some other feeling began to fester inside of her…a feeling she knew she could no longer hold back.
"You want some coffee?" he asked.
"Huh?" she realized she was spacing out again, she hadn't even noticed he was back already, "Ugh, sure."
He made his way to the kitchen counter. Neela followed him with her eyes and discretely let them trace his body while his back was to her. He looked good. She thought it was nice to see him out of his scrubs for a change. Her head was pounding. At least, she assumed it was her head, and not her heart. Her hand gently reached behind her head and pulled her hair down. It fell over her shoulders and for a moment relieved her tension.
"French vanilla?" she asked.
"You know it," he said as he glanced over. He did a double-take as he noticed she had taken her hair down. He loved when she wore it down.
Neela sighed. "I don't want to keep bringing this up," she hesitated for a moment, "But I need you to know that it was never…I never had any feelings for him."
"I know," he said before admitting, "Alright, I didn't really know but I always hoped."
"Yeah," she looked up at him with her large eyes, "And what you saw, out of context I suppose looked…well you just have incredibly horrid timing." That was the truth. Why couldn't his timing have been better? Before she was married, for instance.
"Yup. Guess you could call me Ray-late-and-a-buck-short," he snickered.
She smiled then said, "So now my timing's a bit off, but…I'd love to."
Ray squinted a little then tilted his head, "To what?" he asked.
"To have this dance," she smiled.
He stared at her. She couldn't be positive, but she thought she saw a slight glisten in his eyes. She watched as he came over and ever so slowly slid his hands around her waist. Neela closed her eyes for a moment then wrapped her hands around the back of his neck. She held on tightly as he swayed with her. She looked up at him, lost for words but none needed to be said. Her eyes spoke for her. Ray rested his chin over her shoulder and gently caressed her back.
They swayed together in the dimly lit apartment. Their fallen shadows on the floor had become one. He pulled her body closer to his and hugged her tightly, not wanting to let go of what he finally had to hold. A few moments passed before he pulled back to look at her. He couldn't be positive, but he thought he saw a glisten in her eyes.
"Neela?" he asked, still feeling he needed permission to talk to someone as beautiful as her.
"Mmm?"
"I know it probably seems beyond obvious by now but…I love you." He looked in her eyes, "I've been in love with you for a long time. I know you might not be ready yet, but I guess I just hope that one day you could love me."
"Ray, it's too late," she said softly.
"What?" She'd given him mixed signals before, now he wondered if this was another.
"I already love you." This time she was not mistaken. She watched as a tiny bead of water slid out the corner of his eye. She smiled and squeezed his hand. For once, she felt a sense of accomplishment for finally admitting it. A weight felt lifted off of her, like the weight of a secret that holds you down until it's released.
Ray stared at her in disbelief. It was as if all his day dreams had materialized. Here she was, before him finally telling him what he had hoped she felt. He always thought she had feelings for him, but also felt arrogant to even assume such a thing. He leaned towards her, bowed his head down and gently kissed her lips. She immediately responded by sliding her hand on the side of his face. Her fingertips were just barely touching him to a point that it tickled. He pushed her up against his chest with one hand and rubbed her back with the other.
"Neela, you have no idea…"
"Shhh," she said as she reinforced her command by placing her finger over his lips. It was her way of telling him they no longer needed to interact with words.
Neela slid her finger off his lips then pressed hers against his. She let out a soft moan as she kissed him. She glanced up at him briefly before firming her grip on his face and sucking on his bottom lip. He slid his hand down to her hips and stroked her curves. Neela could feel her heart rate increasing as he touched her body. He threw his lips onto her neck and kissed his way down to her bare shoulder. She threw her head back to allow him better access as her breathing grew to a steady pant.
He kissed her shoulder as he slid his hand under her dress and rubbed her thigh. Neela responded with a groan as she held on to him. She could feel herself tensing up as he stroked her so close to where she needed it most. She then pulled his head up and kissed him again, this time slipping her soft tongue into his mouth. Ray's body began to ache for her. He eagerly accepted her tongue then thrust his own into her. He could smell her hair as it fell onto his cheeks. Sweet and soft, he ran his fingers threw it.
Neela looked into his eyes and watched him stare back at her. Her breathing had momentarily softened. She grabbed his hand and led him over to the couch where she slowly began unbuttoning his shirt. He watched as she slid it off him and kissed his chest. Ray closed his eyes while she slid her hands around him and felt his behind. Her touch excited him. Ray could feel himself throbbing now. His breathing grew heavy when she started unbuckling his belt. He watched as she threw it aside and went to work on his pants. First his button, then his fly. She peeled what remained of his clothing off then stared for moment, admiring her handy work.
She sat him down on the couch as she stood before him. He watched her as she slipped her straps off of her shoulders and slowly slid the dress down her body. It snagged for a moment around her curvy hips, but she soon enough helped it slip off onto the floor. Neela then sat beside him and kissed him once more. She grew warmer and started to tingle, eager to accept him. Ray's breath fell into her ear, exciting her even more. He reached behind and removed her bra before he gently laid her down. He cupped her breast with his hand and kissed her neck. She closed her eyes and panted heavily as he put his tongue in her ear. He ran his hands down to her hips and gently pulled her panties off. She watched and braced herself against the armrest. Their eyes met again as he slowly crawled up on top of her and slipped himself inside.
Neela let out a load moan and ran her nails down his back. He gently rocked with her almost as if he was keeping rhythm with an unheard song. He held her as close to him as possible, trying to take in as much of her as he could. She held on tightly and wrapped her legs around his waist for better support.
He continued to rock her back and forth. His rhythm and pace seemed to satisfy her in ways she never felt before. Slowly, back and forth she rocked with him. With each thrust she seemed to feel more than the previous. Ray rubbed his cheek up against hers. She smiled, kissed it and then rested her head over his shoulder. She was surprised at how gentle he was being with her. She remembered quite well all those nights he had kept her awake with his lady friend of the evening. Sometimes it would get so loud that even her blasting radio couldn't muffle them. She wasn't complaining as much as she was curious. She just found it surprising that the same man who kept her awake all those nights was now the one before her. But then it dawned upon her. He wasn't having sex with her, he was making love.
Neela closed her eyes and listened to his heavy breathing. Her pleasure was building so much that she found herself biting her lip in anticipation of her grand finale. Their pace picked up as her nails snuggly dug into his shoulders. Ray was sweating more now, she could feel it against her smooth, brown skin. Beads of moisture accumulated on the side of her own face as well. She held on tight, he did the same. Her panting was even on par with his. If ever there were a moment when two bodies worked together as one, this was it. He extinguished inside of her while she admired her own synchronized conclusion.
They continued to hold on to one another while their breaths caught up with them. Neela kissed him on the lips then smiled. He rested his head on her chest and closed his eyes as she began running her fingers through his hair. The room then fell very quiet. The dimmed lights seem to make the whole place warmly glow, or perhaps it was them who were truly glowing.
Neela sighed in content. She watched for a moment as Ray rested on her. But her nose soon drew her attention elsewhere. A strong aroma now filled the air. Ray must have suddenly noticed it too for he picked his head up and looked over at the kitchen counter where his coffee pot rested, now filled to the brim with French Vanilla.
"I think your coffee's ready," he said.
He turned back to face her and they both laughed. He then reached over the couch and pulled a blanket over the two of them. Ray looked at her one last time before he closed his eyes and rested his head back on her chest. Neela slowly kissed his forehead then closed her eyes as well. The coffee would have to wait.
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A gentle sigh escaped Neela's parched lips as she slowly bent her body back, snapping a few joints in the process. She could hear the shower running and some cars passing by outside. The city had awakened long before she had. She glanced at the clock on the microwave, it was almost 11:30. Sleeping in was something she had not done in…well, long enough that should could not even remember. Then again, sleeping all through the night itself seemed like an accomplishment.
The blanket soon became her makeshift robe as she made her way to the kitchen corner and retrieved a bottle of water from the fridge. She looked at the clock again…still 11:30. One nice thing about the ER being temporarily closed was that it gave her a mini-vacation she probably never would have taken on her own. Sometimes, work was all she had; even when she wanted more she used that place to rid her of her unsaid desires. Which led her to the other realization that she had finally overcome her stubbornness with her feelings for Ray.
In all the times she fantasized about them coming together, she never really did make it to the morning after. Now she sort of felt out on a limb, left to wing it. She never thought about how to deal with the awkwardness she knew she would feel. But as usual, she was sure Ray was more than capable of handling the situation. He always did know how to pick her up when she was slipping.
She shut the fridge and noticed a familiar picture stuck on the door. It was the same picture the decorated a CD she had neatly tucked away in her purse.
"I could fix you something if you're hungry," he said.
"Huh? Oh no, thanks really," she turned to look at him. He was freshly washed and smelled soft. She let her eyes slide down to his towel and suddenly realized she had a song by War stuck in her head.
"I should get going," she said making sure not to make eye contact. Ray didn't respond. She kept her eyes focused on a spot on the floor for a few moments, hoping to avoid that look he always had when she would say things such as that.
"No," was all he finally said.
"No?" she questioned. "I didn't mean it like that, I just have so much to do before work and," she was interrupted by his lips firmly pressed against hers. She was caught off guard but enjoyed being put in her place at the same time.
"I'm making you breakfast," he declared. "Hope you like pain perdu, grandma's specialty." He went to the counter and smirked at her over his shoulder.
Neela retuned the smile and leaned up against the fridge. There was a slight change in his voice. It was as if the hint of distain that always seemed to be lingering behind his tone had finally subsided.
"I will have to go home at some point," she said, "I haven't anything to wear and I need to go over some surgical notes."
Ray gestured with his hand in what she could only interpret as meaning "screw it." She watched as he sliced up some French bread.
"You know," he said as if it suddenly dawned upon him, "There's a box in your room where I put the stuff you left behind from before. Might be some clothes there."
"Thanks," she said as she turned to make her way over.
"Oh and Neela," he watched as she turned to look at him, "Relax, please? We have a day or two before work opens again. You need the down time, ok?"
"Ok," she said, "I'm always running on all cylinders, I guess. Does sound nice though, to have a break. Hell, I'll need seven days just to catch up on my sleep."
"Hmmm…seven days…" he repeated with a mischievous grin, "So tell me, have you ever seen The Ring?"
Suddenly Neela knew exactly how she would be spending the rest of her weekend, and that was just fine by her.
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Soon enough the ER reopened and the doctors returned to work. Their lives were put on hold, or so it seemed, while they tried their best to save the lives of others. Neela no longer had that sinking feeling in her stomach every time she was put on call for the ER. Nor did she find herself planning all ways to avoid awkward situations whilst she was down there. Gates didn't seem too upset over breaking up, then again, that much was to be expected. Even his own "daughter" had warned Neela that he was just using her and didn't really care for her. But that didn't matter anymore.
Her mind slowly sank into an ease as the days began to pass. She felt more focused, her mind less diffused. Finally she was able to put all her attention into her surgery and felt she was back on track, steadily making progress again. Maybe it was the comfort she felt in Ray's smile as she passed him in the hall or maybe it was just the fact that anything in comparison to her past drama did not seem so unmanageable. Even the smartass remarks from Crenshaw seemed to roll right off her.
She was starting to feel good again. But nothing made her feel better than watching Ray as his life was slowly breathed back into him. He had become a shell of his former self in the year past. It broke her heart when she thought about how easy going and full of life he once had been. And now, it was as if he slowly but surely started to act more like the old Ray, the one she first fell in love with. Sure, this model was a little older, a little wiser, and noticeably toned down. But that twinkle in his eye had returned, the little pep in his step was back, and his face was lit up once more.
Neela had stepped into the lounge to refresh her cup of coffee when she heard a very familiar sound, the sound the only one person's shoes could make as they clanked across the linoleum.
"Hey, Neela," Ray said as he entered.
"Hello."
"You're getting off early today, right?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm almost done, actually. I'm sorry I haven't called since, well it's been a crazy week."
"When isn't it crazy around here?" he asked as he scratched the back of his head. He looked down at her," You wanna come over later? I found a couple take out menus we haven't tackled yet."
"Sounds fun, but I was thinking about going to that peace rally later."
"Oh, that's fine. We can do that, I was just tossing ideas your way."
"Actually, Ray, I think it'd be best if I go it alone, if you haven't a problem with that."
"Oh, ok, well rain check then…I guess."
Neela had a talent for making many things she said sound laced with a hint of rudeness. Half the time she placed the blame on her accent, the rest of the time she blamed her people skills. Either way, she realized it came across as if she was blowing Ray off, but she caught herself in time to rectify the situation.
"I can just leave from your place so we can hang out a bit beforehand," she said.
She watched as his eyes instantly lit up, "Sounds great," he smiled.
Ray left and as she watched him disappear she suddenly wondered if Michael would have liked him…liked him with her, that is. Part of her had let go of the guilt. Michael told her to find someone to make her happy, after all. The other part of her was scared. She had grown used to living without him, and that scared her. Almost like accepting the fact that someone was no longer around automatically meant you were over losing them. She realized the fact that he died at war meant she was left without closure. What happened over there would always feel like it remained "over there."
That is why she wanted to go alone to the rally. She would never forget him, but she did need to move on with her life. There was no point in dwelling in the past any longer. She was against the war that killed him from the beginning. Now she felt was the time to channel some of those feelings into some form of finality, it was time to end that chapter of her life so she could start a new one with Ray.
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"So let's see…we've got Thai, Mexican, or Italian, your choice," Ray said as he shuffled through the take out menus next to the phone.
"I don't know, all that garbage goes right through me," she complained.
"I could make us something, then," he volunteered.
"That sounds nice, one of these days you'll have to teach me how to cook. My grandma's been trying to get me to learn a full Punjabi dinner for years. Every year, for my birthday, she sends me a new cookbook. I'd say she's trying to tell me something."
Ray grinned, "Yeah, I think you left some of those behind when you moved out. But if you can read, you can cook."
"I'm too lazy for that rubbish. You should make us some of that spicy stuff again."
"And what spicy stuff is that?" he asked as he slid his hands around her hips.
Neela raised herself up on her tippy-toes and gave him a peck. "You know, that Cajun stuff you used to make all the time, that gumbolaya."
Ray laughed and gave her a squeeze, "Gumbolaya…you're cute, Neela."
"What?"
"It's gumbo and jambalaya," he said with extra emphasis.
"Oh…shut up, Ray! This coming from Doc Rock himself, who never realized 'rock n roll' was a slang for sex!"
"Hey! I told you that in confidence!" he laughed, "Besides, you're the one who thought Evel Knievel was a character in Star Wars!"
"Come off it!" she laughed.
Ray went to grab her but she escaped and made a run for it. He watched as she dashed into his room and slammed the door. He smirked and shook his head for a moment then made his way over. Neela was on the other side of the door when he came in. She laughed as he threw her onto the bed and kissed her neck. She quickly wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed his lips while she held on tightly to his back.
"When you have to leave," he muffled with his lips against hers.
"Pretty soon," she mumbled. Her hands slid onto his behind and she squeezed firmly.
"Ooo!" he said, "I see how it is." He glanced at the clock then glanced back and Neela and smirked. She pulled him down and helped him slip his clothes off, the clock was ticking.
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They lay there for a moment, in silence, just holding each other. Ray stroked her hair then kissed her forehead. She stretched her arms then snuggled up against him.
"You have to get going, if you wanna make it in time," he whispered.
"I know," she said.
Time was wasting away, but for some reason something told her not to go. It was that same voice in her head that told her she needed to go after Ray at the wedding. Maybe it was her feelings telling her closure was just an excuse. Maybe she needed no closure for Michael, maybe being with Ray was her closure. She glanced at the clock, the rally would start soon. She glanced back at Ray, wondering if she should just forget the whole thing and stay there in his arms.
"I'll drive you, if you like," he volunteered.
"Traffic's probably a jam," she excused.
"Probably," he agreed, "It's up to you; I don't mind waiting."
She looked at him, he smiled softly. That seemed to make up her mind. The last thing she wanted him to do was make him wait for her, again. She suddenly convinced herself there was no such thing as closure. A rally wouldn't give it to her, she could go on forever searching for it, letting it overcome her. Or she could just give in, move on, start anew. She ran her hand up Ray's arm and watched as he took it in his own hand and kissed it. She sighed, closed her eyes and hugged him. Was it even a choice? Neela closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder. Ray smiled, pulled the sheets over her shoulders and watched as she quickly fell asleep in his arms.
The End