A Series of Fortunate Events
by Sad WTF
---
"Victoria!"
Seras ran. And she ran and ran and ran and ran. She reached Integral's office four seconds after Integral first yelled out her name. Seras gulped before timidly knocking on the door.
"Come in."
Seras quickly entered Integral's office, and was greeted with a horrible glare that made her hair stand on end.
"You're late! What took you so long?"
Seras wasn't really sure how to answer this question, but Integral quickly spoke again.
"Victoria. It's OOC day at Hellsing mansion. So I got drunk, and thought up a great idea to destroy Millennium."
"O-Oh?"
"Yes. What is the worst thing one person can do to another?"
"Uhm... Kill them?"
"No. Dump them, of course!"
"...What?"
"You heard me! Think of the psychological damage one goes through when they've been dumped!"
Seras blinked. "But Sir Integral! You've never dated anybody! How would you know?"
"Shut up! I know nearly everything! Now, I want you to go to wherever Millennium is hiding out and date them. All of them. Then do whatever people who date do. Then dump them."
Seras gaped at Integral, and Integral snorted impatiently. "Well, what are you waiting for? Go find the skimpiest outfit ever made and wear it! Before I become in character again. Tee-hee."
Seras started to back away slowly, and Integral jumped up and started to swing from the ceiling fan. "Praise whatever they do! Grope them! Seduce them! Do whatever it takes! Make Hellsing proud!"
Seras nodded and quickly turned around and ran again. She must be insane! Seras thought to herself. I would never do as she tells me to.
---
Seras sighed. She was wearing the skimpiest outfit ever made under a huge trench coat. Integral had "talked" her into going. Or more like "glared" her into going. Seras tried to calm her hair, which had split ends by now. She gave up and looked at the vent she was supposed to climb through.
"I could never get through that!" Seras exclaimed. Her voice echoed inside the big vent, and she shook her head, grudgingly climbing into it. Once she was in, she turned around to look down to see how far she was up. In doing so, she stupidly tripped on an imaginary block and fell backwards into the big vent.
Downwards she fell, but I won't elaborate on how long, because that is boring. Eventually, she fell onto an extremely hard and uncomfortable floor. Seras tried to stand up, but she ended up slipping all over the place and crashing into a table full of very fragile and easily breakable items, like jars. Suffice to say, there was a very large noise, which would've taken up a whole page had it been written as a comic book sound effect. This noise was followed by a dramatic chord.
Seras was too busy choking from the awful smell that permeated from the now broken jars to stop to think about what the dramatic chord following the crash could mean (For those who don't know what a dramatic chord means, it usually means something horrifying or surprising is about to happen). Seras almost fainted, and would have died had she been alive. She turned around and ran into a wall (though she could have sworn there wasn't a wall there a few moments before) and fell back, crashing onto the floor again.
"Ow!" exclaimed Seras, attempting to stand up.
All of a sudden, a voice spoke from out of nowhere. "If this is supposed to be funny, I don't see the humor in it at all."
Seras screamed. "Who are you!?"
The lights came on, and a very tall man was standing nearby, with his hand on the light switch. He looked around for a moment before speaking, "There are those... who call me ... Doc."
"Well, Doc! You're very rude to come barging in like that."
"Excuse me? I didn't 'barge in'. I appeared quite discreetly a few moments ago. You ran into me."
"Oh! I knew there wasn't a wall there before."
"And speaking of rudeness, you're in my laboratory. Uninvited. And you broke several things."
"Well, whatever I broke smells like crap, so it's probably not that important, anyway!" said Seras, trying to glare and stand up at the same time.
"Formaldehyde." said Doc. But he quickly changed the subject. "Are you cosplaying as Incognito?"
Seras looked at Doc as if he had two heads. "What?"
Doc rolled his eyes, but Seras couldn't tell because his glasses were so thick. He leaned closer and spoke very slowly. "In. Cog. Ni. To."
"What about him?"
"Are you cosplaying as him? Your coat. You look like a flasher."
"Well, you look like a whore!" retorted Seras.
"I beg your pardon!" exclaimed Doc, visibly offended. "Just because I can't find clothes that fit me doesn't mean I'm a prostitute!"
Seras glared, and huffed. "Fine! I'm leaving!" She was about to turn and leave, when something hit her that reminded her of her mission. (It was a picture of Piggy's Mother, which appeared out of nowhere) "Oh, right! I can't leave."
Doc looked up from the middle of sweeping up glass shards. "What?"
"I can't leave," said Seras, grimacing, then flinging off her coat to reveal the infamous outfit underneath.
Doc took one look and screamed. Seras smirked. She knew her outfit would get this kind of reaction. She posed sexily as Doc stared for a few more moments, before setting down his broom. "Oh my GOD! How did you survive all this time with those?"
Seras batted her eyes. "Yeah, I get that sort of comment all the time!"
"Your breasts... they're..."
"Yes?"
"Hideous."
"WHAT!?" Seras screamed loudly enough to almost break the windows.
Doc continued to speak, pretending not to notice Seras' screaming. "Yes, how horrific! Haven't you considered breast reduction?"
"Of course NOT!" said Seras, getting angrier by the minute. "I don't NEED anything like that!"
"Uh-huh. Right."
Doc laughed and laughed. Seras felt really stupid for some reason. When Doc finally calmed down, he pointed at Seras. "Stop denying it. Anyone can see that you have bad posturebecause of the excess weight in your chest."
"I do not have bad posture! You have bad posture! And you don't have a chest!"
"I bump my head on the ceiling, so I have to lean over all the time."
"That's not a good enough excuse!"
"Speaking of excuses, why are you here?"
Seras stopped being angry for a moment to think. "Oh, right. I'm here to..." she turned red (which is quite impossible, since she's a vampire) and mumbled something that wasn't audible.
"What?"
"I said, I'm here to ... sleep with everyone."
"Oh, that's nice. Although I don't think anyone here really enjoys slumber parties."
Seras' eyes widened. "No! I don't mean that kind of sleeping! I mean the other kind of sleeping."
Doc blinked. "What other kind of sleeping?" He thought for a moment. "What, you mean sex?"
Seras almost screamed because in her mind he used a bad word or something dumb like that. Doc rolled his eyes for the second time that day.
"Really, if you mean sex, you should say sex! I don't know what's wrong with people. It's like playing some sort of twisted charades game, the way people dance about phrases as if saying them would make their brains explod- Wait. By everyone, who do you mean?"
Seras was glad the doctor had stopped ranting. "Uhm... Everyone. In the building. Everyone in Millennium."
"And I am a part of everyone?"
"Of course!"
Doc turned purple. "SICK!"
"WHAT!?"
"That's disgusting!"
"WHY!?" Seras was dismayed such a negative response.
"You're a vampire. Do you think this is some sort of Anne Rice novel!?"
"Well, what are you then?"
"Mind your own business! And don't interrupt me when I'm ranting! Oh, and another thing, how old are you? What, seventeen? Eighteen?"
"I'm nineteen!" said Seras, a little offended.
"Nineteen! You're just a little girl!"
"I am not!"
"I told you not to interrupt! Nineteen! How immoral! I'm really, really old!"
"But you don't look old!"
"That's not the point! And the other thing is, you look like Schrodinger. That's horrible. You're like Schrodinger with balloons taped to his chest."
"Hey! WTF!"
"Nope, I don't know where you got that hideous idea, but I think you should go straight home. And do something useful. Like save starving children."
"But you don't understand! I have to!"
Doc raised an eyebrow. "Then go get a boyfriend or something."
"No! I was sent by my boss to do this!"
"What?? What is wrong with that woman? I'll give her a piece of my mind one of these days. In the meantime, you should quit your job. Now leave."
Seras started to cry, and Doc shrieked. "Stop! My conscience does not do well with that! Do you want me to read you a bedtime story?" he was met by a glare from Seras. "I didn't think so. Now go away, before I taunt you a second time. Or throw you out the door. One of those two. Or maybe even both. Who knows?"
Seras ran out of the room, crying even more. "I hate you!!!"
She heard a faint, "Good!" before the door slammed shut behind her. Now Seras was stuck in a dark corridor.
---
Seras tried to calm herself. So she couldn't woo the doctor. Who wanted to anyway? He was horrifying. She just had to concentrate on everyone else, that was all. Thinking this, she started to walk along the hallway, when she ran into a tree.
"OW!" exclaimed, Seras. "What's a tree doing in the middle of the hallway?"
The tree turned and Seras realized it was a very large man, taller than even the Doc, which unnerved her, because Doc's height was enough to be considered illegal. He stared and stared at her without uttering a word, and Seras backed away.
"Err, hello!" Seras waved. She received no reply, and felt even more nervous. "Are you a mime?"
Seras felt awkward at the lack of response and began to fret. "You're scary!" she said.
No answer.
"What's your name? I'm Seras Victoria."
No answer. But Seras realized he had a giant nametag on his chest that said "CAPTAIN" that she didn't notice a moment before.
"I'm not actually a part of Millennium. I'm from Hellsing."
No answer.
"I came here to… uhh… sleep with everyone."
No answer.
"You see, my boss told me I had to. Either I have to work my way up, or start from the top, I guess…" she trailed off, and tried to jump away as the Captain made a grab for her collar. Actually, I'm not sure if she even had a collar or not, considering her outfit was supposed to be amazingly skimpy. Let's just say he grabbed her somewhere that was not inappropriate, but was someplace where he could have a tight hold. Like her head. No. Suffice to say, Seras was struggling and unable to move, and had to be carried around like a little parcel through the hallway.
They emerged into a brightly lit room, and Seras could hear a gigglish hum from the corner of the room. For a second she was disturbed because she thought it was the Captain doing like that, but when she was finally put down again, she turned around and screamed at the sight before her.
"Guten Tag!" said a jiggly little man.
"You can talk!" Seras exclaimed. She thought she heard the Captain sniff with an annoyed air, but when she turned to look, he was standing still and straight as usual.
"Of course I can talk!" cooed the little man. "I am the Major! I see that Captain has finally proven to be useful and brought in a lovely lady for me, ja!?"
"Actually, I came here of my own accord," said Seras, not wanting this Captain to have all the credit. She felt someone kick her, but when she looked, there was nobody there, except for Captain, of course, who was still standing on the same spot he was before. "My boss sent me here to sleep with everyone."
"Oh! That's delightful!" squealed the Major. "I'm sure she was swayed by my wonderful charm!"
"She was swayed by something, alright."
"Well! Where shall we start?"
"What?" Seras started to back away, feeling like she was in a hentai doujinshi. "What do you mean?"
"Sometimes I start with dessert just to make things fun, but the main course is better than anything else, isn't it!?" the Major clapped his hands. Seras noticed for the first time that the room she was in was in fact a large dining room, and behind the Major was a giant table laden with all sorts of things to eat.
"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODEL" sang Major, startling Seras. The doctor appeared all of a sudden from another door, looking angry.
"Is your name Yodel?" whispered Seras, when Doc stopped and stood next to her. She was now flanked by both the Captain and the Doc.
"No," Doc snapped. "He thinks that's some sort of super secret code."
The Major started to stuff his face with as much food as he could at once, and Seras felt disgusted. Not because she couldn't stomach human food now, but because of the way the Major squealed like a little pig.
"Aren't you going to eat anything?" Seras asked the two that stood behind her, silent and staring.
Doc glared. "Very funny," he said. Seras just then realized he was emaciated. She felt horrified.
"He doesn't let you eat anything!?" she cried out in shock.
"What, what, what??" said Major, with a mouthful of pudding. "You want to eat too?"
"NO!"
"Come then, eat! Beautiful girls can eat all they want!"
"But I-" Seras yelped as she was pushed forward. She fell into an empty chair, and grimaced at the food before her. Piggy leered and shoved a plate into her face.
"Have some! It's good!"
Seras started to shake and her vision swam before her as she tried to concentrate on eating. Finally, she turned to look at the two men standing behind her, eyes watering. The Captain turned and looked at Doc, who rolled his eyes.
"Look, Dummkopf, she's a vampire. She can't eat this!" yelled Doc. Captain threw a steak at the Major's head while nobody was looking.
"What?" asked the Major dumbly, with a steak over his face. He removed it and stared at Doc as if he had just spoken in Russian. Combined with French.
"VAMPIREEE!" screamed Doc. The table shook from the force of his voice.
"Oh," said the Major, staring stupidly. "OH!!!" he said again, as it dawned on him.
Seras sighed with relief. The Major smiled.
"Well, why didn't you say so?" asked the little man. "You can eat Doc."
"WTF!" screamed Doc and Seras.
"I don't need to eat, thank you!" Seras sprang from her chair and backed away again.
"Well, wait until I'm done eating," croaked the Major, mouth stuffed again. "Doc, why don't you give her a tour of our base while you wait?"
The Doc muttered a string of German profanities under his breath as he roughly grabbed Seras by the shoulder and started dragging her around the place.
"Owwww!" whined Seras. "You're mean!"
"SICK!" yelped Doc, as he felt someone kick him. When he looked, Captain was standing a few feet away, looking innocent. "Fine!" yelled Doc, letting go of Seras. "I'm sure you can walk on your own."
"Yes, I'm sure I can," said Seras, tripping as she spoke. Doc rolled his eyes.
"This room is where the soldiers hang out. It's not very interesting." Doc opened the door to reveal a sea of Laughing Nazis™, who, indeed, started to laugh as soon as they saw Seras. Seras leaped forward and closed the door.
"I'm sure I don't need to see that, thank you," she replied quickly. "I just want to get my job over with and get out of here."
Captain shifted nervously, and Doc stared.
Seras shrugged.
"It's not like I'm here for fun," she said. "Well, I mean, not on my own accord."
Seras frowned when she got no reply.
"So, uhm…Which one of you is my boyfriend now?" she asked.
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" sang Major before anybody could answer. Not like anybody else was going to answer.
"Oh, okay!" said Seras, feeling frightened. "What do we do now?"
"I don't know! Let's watch a film about DEATH and DESTRUCTION!!!" jiggled the Major as he shook his fists in the air. He led them into a room with a widescreen television. Seras didn't stop to wonder where on earth they got that, because she didn't really want to know.
"You can sit on my lap! Tee-hee!" Major giggled and grabbed Seras' arm. Then he frowned. "On second thought, I will sit on your lap! You can sit on Captain. He's the chair."
Seras delicately sat on Captain, who assumed the position of a chair. Or something. WTF. The Major squealed and climbed into Seras' lap, jiggling and quivering every few seconds. Seras felt like she was holding a slab of jelly. "What about the doctor?" she asked, not wanting to be impolite.
"Oh, he can stand in the corner and die if he wants to. Doc sucks," said Piggy.
"WTF," said Doc, offended.
234987239479273412938795691274987234.5 war films later, Seras was ready to call the mission a failure as she struggled to stay awake. She couldn't even let herself fall asleep because the Major would shout and comment very loudly at every scene.
"Want to watch another?" grinned the Major.
"No! I mean… no," said Seras, starting to hyperventilate. Even though she didn't have to breathe. "Why don't we… err… I know! Let's get drunk!"
"OH OKAY!!!" squealed the Major, jumping down. "I love getting drunk!"
---
Seras waited.
Then she decided she hadn't waited enough, and waited some more.
It had been hours. Had it really been that long? The Major kept drinking and drinking and drinking and so did the Laughing Nazis™, who didn't want to pass up an opportunity to drink a lot of beer. Seras pretended she couldn't drink beer because she was a vampire. Everyone was having a good time, it seemed like, but they didn't pass out or get Extremely Drunk™ like she wanted them to.
"If you're thinking about getting them drunk beyond reason, you can forget it," said Doc.
"What?" asked Seras, startled. "How did you- I mean… what are you talking about?"
"I'm not stupid!" said Doc. "Even Captain can tell what your plans are."
Captain threw Major's underwear at Doc while nobody was looking.
"I hate Bavarians!" said Doc, as he threw the underwear off of his head. He suddenly turned to Seras, his mouth twitching with anger. "THE MAJOR IS ONE, YOU KNOW."
Seras didn't really know what a Bavarian was, but she didn't want to ask.
"GET ME MEIN SCHNITZEL IM RUNNING OUT OF SAUSAGES" shrieked Major, suddenly wearing lederhosen. "213- DU VERDEST EINE KRANKEN SCHWESTER-BRAUCHEN!!!"
"ARGHHH SHUT UP SHUT UP" screamed Doc, beating at the Major with a wooden leg.
Captain told them to stop fighting because they were actually friends. Actually, no, he didn't. Doc suddenly felt offended, and the Major squealed with glee.
"You love me, Doc! WE'RE THE BESTEST OF FRIENDS" cried the Major, jiggling loudly.
Seras cried. "Stop that! Why aren't you drunk!?"
"IM AFRUARDD THEY AREB PEEEEBRMENTANTLY DFUNK" said Captain Jack Sparrow, who was so drunk he barged into a completely different series and universe.
"What?" asked a dumbfounded Seras.
"Oh, nevermind," said Sparrow, sauntering off.
Seras cried harder in her confusion, and the Major let out a scream that nearly shattered the windows.
"NO!!! Who made her cry!? It was Doc, wasn't it? The fiend! I will kill him immediately!" said Major, latching onto Seras. "Laughing Nazis™! Kill Whore- I mean, Doc!"
"TWEEDLE DEEDLE DEE ROCKIN ROBIN TWEET TWEET TWEET" laughed the Laughing Nazis™.
"WTF," said Doc.
"Stop it! All of you!" cried Seras. "I quit! I can't stand it anymore! I hate you all!"
"What?" asked the Major, looking as if he was going to deflate like a sad balloon.
"I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore! I'm dumping you! ALL OF YOU!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" shrieked the Major, falling onto the floor like a spoiled toddler about to have a fit.
"You are dumping me where?" Doc blinked, confused.
"I'm dumping you! You are not my boyfriends anymore!" said Seras, leaving in a huff.
Captain shed a single tear. Major screamed. Doc stared.
"I've never been 'dumped' before," laughed Doc.
"That's because you're a GEEK!" screamed Major, throwing a table at him.
---
"Where have you been?!" screamed Integral, as Seras finally showed up at the Hellsing mansion, exhausted. "And why are you dressed like a cheap whore!?"
"I was following your orders, Sir," said Seras, baring her teeth. "Don't you remember? You told me to seduce all the Millennium members and dump them. Well, I don't know if I succeeded in the seducing, but I did dump them."
"What are you talking about?" asked Integral. "Oh, it doesn't matter. It probably wasn't important."
Seras wanted to scream, but she internalized her anger and said nothing more. As she left, she could hear Integral mutter to herself.
"I would sure like to know why I was at Iscariot's base in a skimpy outfit, though." Integral said.
THE END
---
I actually wrote this ages ago, but only went up to the part that Seras bumps into Captain. Captain being such an impossible character to interact with, I was stuck, until I was suddenly inspired to finish this story. I thank my friend Rikku for helping me with her beautifuknesswhen I was stuck!