Birth & Death
Memories of a Young Man.
Chapter 1. Birth.
"Ouch...ow..." I don't like this, "what's happening...I'm afraid..."
Pressure is pushing and pulling at my body. I'm helpless, I can not resist the movement. My warm, wet environment is being disturbed, something is propelling me forward, painfully!
"Noooo..." I don't want this to continue, but I am powerless to stop it.
I hear sounds, different sounds, not the swoosh, swoosh that has become part of me for the last 9 months. Harsher, urgent sounds.
"Come on sweetheart...one more push...you can do it..."
"Come on Marie, just one big push and the baby will be here..."
"Ohhh, I can't...it hurts too much...I'm scared...ohhh..."
A scream fills my ears as cold air surrounds my body and I am released from the warmth of my mother's womb. I'm limp...not breathing... something grabs my lower body, my feet,
"Come on child...breath...breath..."
"Ben...is the baby...?"
"Breath little one, come on..."
A resounding slap on my bottom.
"Owww, that hurt..." and I draw a huge breath and begin to scream.
"Good boy, that's right, you get some air into those lungs..."
The hand that slapped my butt now cradles me tenderly against a broad chest,
"It's a boy Marie, we have a beautiful, perfect baby boy..."
I'm handed across to someone else, gentle arms surround me and hold me close to soft sweet scented skin. Another hand strokes my face.
"Oh Ben," a soft voice coos above me, "he's beautiful, my little Joseph."
Another voice breaks the moment,
"He's very small, but considering he's 2 months early, is breathing well and certainly has some lungs!" I guess this is the Doctor who has delivered me.
"May I take him for a moment Marie, just to check him out?"
I'm handed across again, a bit like a little parcel, though very very carefully so as I don't break.
"We need to be very cautious for the next couple of days," the voice spoke softly, "he seems fine, but we must just keep a close eye on him. Marie,you must stay in bed and rest. It's been a difficult birth and you need to recuperate well enough to be able look after this little chap!"
"I will Paul, thank you for everything. I don't think I could have done it without you."
I was handed back to this soft skinned, sweet smelling person's embrace.
My eyes searched out the smiling face gazing down at me, "Wow, you sure are a pretty lady!" and I felt my heart beat quicker as I looked up into her sparkling emerald green eyes.
"Hello my darling boy, I'm your mama, I will always be here for you and love you forever..."
"OK," I'm thinking, my face nuzzling against my mama's body, " I could get to like this, gosh my mama sure is pretty...hmmm...I'm hungry after all that pushing and pulling...ohh...that's what that's for..."
Both Mama and Papa smiled down at me as I took my first milk from my mother's breast.
Chapter 2. Death.
"Mama's coming," Papa tells me, as we can hear the approach of a fast moving horse. I smile up into his warm brown eyes, Papa kisses my head, "sit still till she gets here, don't want you falling under Gold do we?"
"No Papa..." I'm still sitting on Papa's lap as the big golden gelding hurtles into the yard. Papa's arm wrapped around my shoulders, his book still resting on the table in front of us.
I start to call a greeting to my Mama, "Hi ya Maaa..."
A shrill scream breaks the scene...the golden horse tumbles... His rider, my beautiful Mama strikes the ground hard, her leaf green hat thrown to one side, her blonde hair blown in wild disarray around her head.
The horse tries to stand, only to fall back onto the inert form laying in the dust.
"Marie..." I can hear my father's cry of anguish, "Marie...no...!"
"Mama, Mama..." I can hear screaming, then realise it's my screams I am hearing.
Papa puts me on the porch deck, "Stay here, don't move..."
I stand riveted to the spot, I want to run to my Mama but cannot move. Tears begin to stream down my cheeks, my heart is thumping hard in my chest, "Mama..." almost a whisper now.
Two arms encircle me, then lift me up from the deck.
"Little boy come with Hop Sing, come now..." Hop Sing turned away from my Mama and Papa, stepped towards the front door . Now I can hear more sobbing, more voices, my father crying out for my mother. I twist to see my father but Hop Sing stops me.
"Look at me Little Boy," his voice catching, "little boy not need see this now..." and he carried me into the house.
Adam stood watching Papa, "Keep the boys inside Hop Sing, please." he asked softly.
"Go to father missa Adam," came the reply, "missa Hoss, you come with Hop Sing, we find cookies ok?"
Hoss sat at the kitchen table, Hop Sing held me on his hip as he opened a tin of cookies and poured milk for my brother and me.
"I want Mama..." I grizzled, I'm afraid, why can't I go out to help my Mama?
Time passed, Adam came into the kitchen, his face pale, his eyes red rimmed. He looks at Hop Sing, sadly shook his head then rubbed his eyes wearily.
"Keep them in here Hop Sing, Doc Martin has arrived, Pa'll be in when he's done."
"The guest room is ready missa Adam, you put missy in there ok? I put boys to bed later..."
"Thanks...I've got to help Pa an'..."
"Where's Mama Adam?What's wrong with Mama?" I can hear my voice rising in panic.
"With Pa, Joe," he murmured, "you stay here with Hoss n Hop Sing, for me ok, you be a good boy now."
We heard voices in the living room, quiet and hushed, words unrecognisable through the door or walls. Adam looked in on us, "OK boys?"
Hop Sing nodded, "You want coffee, sandwiches?"
Adam just shook his head,"maybe later."
Sometime later, or maybe only a little while, it just seemed forever, Papa came into the kitchen. His face was white, his eyes like Adam's, red rimmed and swollen, he picked me up onto his hip then sat on my chair, his other had touching Hoss' cheek.
"Mama's had an accident..."
"Pa...is she ok?" Hoss interrupted.
"Mama..." I whisper.
Papa shook his head, tears slipping down his cheeks onto my hair.
"You need to go to bed boys...I'll explain everything in the morning."
"I wanna see my Mama..." I was getting quite angry now, I wanted my mother, why couldn't I go to her?
"Not now Joseph, Mama is … resting ok, tomorrow you can see her." Papa's voice sounded so sad and scratchy.
"Come on ," Hop Sing took me back onto his hip and Hoss by the hand , "let's get you to bed. Say good night to your Papa."
We both did as instructed and were duly taken up to our beds. Washing was done quickly this
evening, clothes changed for nightshirts, and prayers said. Hoss climbed into his bed and looked at me, I'm sure he knew more than me, just by the tragic expression on his face. I kissed him "night
night" then allowed Hop Sing to take me to my bed.
"Good night Little Boy," he tucked the covers round me, bent to kiss my forehead, stroked my hair then left the room.
Voices drift up through the floor and the stairs, I can hear Papa and the Doctor talking, occasionally Adam's voice could be heard. Much later I heard my father and brother go to their rooms. I lay listening to the house noises, trying to go to sleep, wondering why I hadn't seen Mama. She always came in to say goodnight and to hear my prayers, why hadn't she come in tonight?
Then in the distance, from my parents bedroom I could hear weeping.
I slipped from my bed and crept along to the big bedroom at the end of the hall, my parents room. The sobbing was louder here. Nervously I tapped on the door, my Papa said I must always knock and wait for a reply before entering, "Papa...can I come in...Mama please?
"Go back to bed Joseph" my father's voice filtered through.
"Papa...Mama..."
"I said go back to bed..." this time harsh and angry.
I began to sniffle, I was cold, I wanted my Mama, then I began to cry.
"Hey, littl' buddy" Adam pulled me into his arms, "what cha doing out of bed?"
"I heard Papa cryin' I want to see Mama."
"Come on..." my big brother picked me up and took me into his room."Now you go to sleep ok, we've a lot to do tomorrow." Wrapped in the warmth of my big brother's arms I fell asleep...
Papa sat us all down for breakfast, Dr Martin is still with us as he'd stayed over last night. Papa made us eat before explaining the previous day in detail.
I sat next to Papa, where Mama normally would sit 'cause she would help me cut my food. Hoss opposite and Adam beside him Dr Martin sat the other side of me. Papa called Hop Sing in to come sit at the table with us.
"Where's Mama" I ask before my father could say anything. "Why isn't Mama here?"
My Papa took a deep breath, then sighed, breathed in again, "Your Mama, your Mama..she ...hurt herself really badly when her horse fell..."
"Goldie's dead Pa?" Hoss asked quietly, his face sad at the thought the beautiful horse had died after the fall.
"Yes son," Papa replied, "he was hurt too badly...like Mama..."
Hoss looked up at Papa, his eyes full of tears.
"Joseph, look at me son, Hoss... your Mama died yesterday..."
"No...no..." I was screaming again, just like when I have a bad dream, "I want Mama, Mama."
Hop Sing came round the table to pick me up, he whispered soft words in Cantonese to calm me though I screamed and struggled and fought his hands and arms.
"Joseph..." my father's voice cut above everything else, "calm down now."
I cried for my Mama, long pitiful sobs. I held my arms out to my father to be held as he turned to my oldest brother, "Adam, we've things to be done!"
I couldn't understand why my father had just turned from me so I cried louder and harder. Hop Sing held me close, the Doctor spoke to him whilst feeling my forehead.
"I'll give him something to calm him down. It's an awful lot for a 5 year old to deal with. Hoss, are you ok son, let me have a look at you too?"
The doctor made me drink some really yucky medicine then suggested I was put to bed for a while. I didn't want to go to bed but didn't seem to have much choice. Neither did Hoss for that matter as he followed us up the stairs to our rooms.
"Can Joe come in with me?" Hoss asked, "I think he'll be happier than on his own."
"Good idea missa Hoss, you both keep each other company ok?" Hop Sing replied and set me down on Hoss' bed.
"What's Papa doin'?" I asked. "I can hear Mrs Jamison an' Mrs Devlin downstairs, why are they here?"
"They're helping your pa with your Mama." the doctor said as he checked us both again, before telling us to try to sleep for a little while.
Unbeknown to Hoss and me, the ladies were preparing Mama for her funeral, to be held in two days time, they would wash and redress Mama in her most beautiful gown, comb her hair and make her look as beautiful as possible. Of course, we were forbidden to go into the guest bedroom for any reason at all. The door was kept locked, unless Papa was in there, but he would lock it from the inside so we were still excluded. These two days were awful. Hoss n me were kept to the house or the yard. We were expected to be on our best behaviour the whole time as there were people coming pretty much all day to see Papa. Hop Sing would keep us in the kitchen as much as he could or left us to play in our bedrooms. Adam was at Papa's side constantly. We hardly got to see him at all, when we did it was just to check up on us. We didn't see Papa at all.
Two days later saw us in our Sunday clothes. Papa looking so tired and so sad, Adam at his side helping him with everything. Hop Sing had prepared food and drinks and was now just waiting for Papa to give the word that we would be leaving.
Dr Martin was at the house with us, it seemed to me like he had moved in for a few days, Sheriff Coffee was also present, along with the town mayor and a couple of Papa's closest friends. They stood surrounding my father, all holding a glass of brandy. Adam stood at Papa's side, glassless.
"Ben," a voice called from the guest room, "when you are ready..." Papa drank his glass back in one, turned and walked across the room. He hesitated at the guest room door, wiped his eyes and entered the room.
"I'll give you a few minutes Ben, to say..."
"Thank you George...George, d'you think I should let my boys see their mother before...?"
"Only you can decide that Ben."
Adam stood at the door, "May I pa?" He moved to the coffin head, looked down at Marie, tears trickling down his cheeks. He bent forward and kissed her brow. "Good bye Ma, I love you."
Ben swallowed at his eldest's words. "Go get Hoss for me please?" he asked softly.
Hoss stood as Adam had stood, his face tear streaked, eyes red, his fingers lovingly stroked his mother's cheek. "Bye Ma, love you."
Adam carried me into the room, I'd seen Hoss follow him and Papa and had wanted to follow too, but Dr Martin had held me back till Adam came and picked me up.
"Be a good boy" he whispers, "and be brave for your Mama."
Adam handed me across to Papa, "Time for you to say goodbye Joseph," Papa said gently and held me up to see my Mama. Mama looked so beautiful, I thought she was asleep. "Mama's asleep" I said, "why don't she wake up an' see me?"
"Mama's not asleep Joe," Papa murmured, "I explained, she's gone to Heaven..."
I looked at Papa, "But she's here..."
Papa pulled me close, "Say goodbye son, we have to go now."
"Wait Papa, give this to Mama...please" I held out my stuffed pony Mama had made, "so's Mama don't get lonesome."
Papa took my toy and laid it in my Mama's hands, "Thank you Joseph," he whispered softly then passed me back to Adam's waiting arms. Minutes later Papa came to us boys and led us out to the waiting buggy. He and Adam returned to the house and along with the sheriff and doctor carried the slender wooden coffin out to the wagon, then gently slid it into place behind our top hand Charlie,
who sat silently watching the black horses waiting to take their precious cargo to her final resting place.
Hop Sing held me on his lap, Hoss sat at his side, my papa and Adam sat facing us as another of our
hands clicked the horses into movement. Charlie eased the blacks forward, the wagon slowly shifted and led the way from the yard. The ranch hands all stood to the side, each with his head bowed, hat in hand paying their respect to my Mama. They mounted up as we left the yard, then followed us in silence.
Mama's favourite place overlooks Lake Tahoe, and we slowly made our way to the place Papa had decided would be a fitting resting place. Other buggies and wagons joined our progress along the way, until we reached the clearing just before the lake. Many people were already stood around waiting. The Preacher is standing to one side waiting for Papa, in his hand his Bible.
We stopped, Papa and Adam left us to go see to Mama, Hop Sing helped Hoss and me down then stood holding both of us by the hand. "You be good boys now for your mama." he said softly and stroked my hair then Hoss' cheek. We stood in silence, Hoss still sobbing softly, me just watching Papa and Adam, not really understanding what I could see before me.
Eventually we were all stood by an open hole in the ground, the box was set on some rests to one side and the Preacher began his talking. I didn't understand anything he said, to be truthful I didn't hear much either, I was just looking at the big box and the big hole in the ground, my mind working overtime to make out what was happening.
The Preacher finally stopped speaking, nodded to my Papa, to the sound of sobbing Papa helped lower Mama into the hole. I watched in horror and ran to my father's side sobbing "No Papa no...I want my Mama..." my voice shrill and insistent, my hands pulling at his pants leg. Adam pulled me back, shushing me as I struggled, Hop Sing swung me up into his arms, "Hush littl' boy, hush now..." his face close to mine, his eyes as tear filled as mine. Adam steps forward, and drops a white rose down into the hole to rest on the coffin, he held Hoss' hand as he stepped forward to do the same. Hop Sing approached the grave, still holding me as close as he could, he leant over and dropped two white roses, one for him and one for me. He whispered something in Chinese, then stepped back for my father to take his place. In his arms a small bouquet of red roses. He kneels on the damp grass and reaches down to place the flowers on his wife's casket. I heard his whispered words
"Goodbye my love, until we meet again, I love you." He stood, wiped his eyes and turned to Adam and the Preacher.
"Thank you." his only words. Papa doesn't look at Hoss or me, just at the place he'd put Mama.
People filed by, all spoke words of condolences, a gentle pat on the arm, a hug or a soft kiss on the cheek for my father and Adam. People dabbed at their eyes, spoke soft words to each other as they passed by, occasionally a gentle pat or word for Hoss and me, until we were the only people there, save our two teamsters who waited patiently by the wagon and buggy and tended the horses. Papa knelt by the now filled in grave. He touched the soft mound of earth that marks Mama's resting place.
"Take the boys home Hop Sing if you would please, you too Adam." Papa instructed.
We climbed aboard the buggy, me safe in Hop Sing's arms, my brother Hoss beside us, brother Adam again facing us, and slowly we headed home, leaving our father stood in mourning at my mama's grave side.
Epilogue.
I'm a grown man now. I still love and miss my Mama, I go talk to her whenever I've got a problem, or when I'm in trouble with my Pa. Just after Mama died, Doc. Martin came out to the Ponderosa to talk to my Pa. He had some sad news to share,which was eventually shared with my brothers and I. The reason my mother had ridden into the yard at such a rate was because she wanted to tell my father her good news. She was going to have another baby. Another sibling for me. A baby brother or sister for us three boys. He said she had been over joyed at the news when he confirmed her suspicions of being "with child". I guess she was so excited she just wanted to tell Pa he was going to be a father again.
End.