A/N:This fic is a companion fic with In Close Distance, so I recommend you read that before this so you can understand some things! And it was a request on tumblr by lavenderdamsel, who also draws wonderful fanart for my fics. Please enjoy!
In the end, he had no one to blame but himself.
He was the one who fell in love with a princess, knowing perfectly well she would never return his feelings. And he was the one who foolishly hoped that he would always be first in Kamui's heart, that growing up with her and being her butler made him special in her eyes.
But…Jakob soon learned his hopes were for naught.
As time went on, Kamui began to spend more time with Silas and less time with him. Their precious tea time and late night talks turned into romantic picnics and strolls with Silas. And whenever Jakob prepared lunch for the happy couple's rendezvous, he was always tempted to lace Silas' portion with laxatives. Jakob knew he was acting childish and that Kamui was free to date whomever she desired, but he couldn't help but feel jealous every time he saw her with that happy-go-lucky airhead.
However, the other soldiers thought otherwise. They thought it was romantic, the princess and her knight reunited after so long like in the storybooks.
Their words left a bitter taste in Jakob's mouth.
But he never said anything, just served Kamui and Silas tea during their treehouse dates and stood to the side like a good butler. And yet, despite acknowledging he had no chance at all, Jakob still loved Kamui with all his soul.
That is why he couldn't blame anyone but himself for how his heart cracked when Kamui announced her engagement to Silas.
The mess hall erupted into cheers and calls for celebration as family and friends gathered around the newly engaged couple. But Jakob just stood there frozen in place, a quivering hand grasping his chest. The room swirled around him as his entire body ran cold and he felt like he couldn't breathe.
Then, amidst the crowd of well-wishers, Jakob's eyes locked with Kamui's. The way she was staring at him….it was like she wanted his approval, like his feelings held substance in her eyes.
'If my feelings really mattered….why didn't you tell me first?' He wanted to scream. 'We used to tell each other everything! Why?! Why?!'
But instead, Jakob plastered a perfect smile on his face and bowed deeply.
"Congratulations, Lady Kamui,' His actions declared, 'I wish you nothing but all the happiness in the world.'
And stubbornly, a part of Jakob hoped—pleaded—that Kamui would automatically know he was wearing a mask, that years of growing up together in the fortress made her know him inside and out.
But…Kamui just smiled and turned back to her husband-to be.
Jakob's heart cracked again at the sight, but his mask remained in place. Even during the wedding a few weeks later, Jakob kept his mask on as the happy couple sealed their vows with a kiss.
Broken heart or not, he made a vow to be Kamui's loyal butler, and he intended to uphold that vow.
Because her happiness always came before his own.
Always.
They were in the middle of a war, a less than ideal time to marry much less have children. But Kamui soon gave birth to a daughter named Sophie, and a son not long after named Kana. Jakob had helped deliver both of them, and as he watched the ecstatic parents fawn over their children, Jakob vowed to protect the entire family from harm so that they would be able to live in peace after the war ended. Kamui told Jakob once that she wanted a family of her own someday, and now that she had one, he intended to make sure nothing took them from her.
Still, although the astral realm was away from the war, there were still threats that lurked outside the castle walls so the children were placed in deep realms to keep them out of harm's way. In the blink of an eye, Sophie had become a cheerful woman of 16 while Kana became a bubbling boy of 10. They soon re-joined the army and Jakob became their caretaker.
In the family's private tree house, he would serve the children tea and cookies, noting how Sophie had her mother's hair and Kana had his mother's eyes.
The dull ache had never died out, but Kamui was happy with Silas and the airhead treated her well, so that gave Jakob some reassurance.
"Thank you very much, Mr. Jakob!" The children shouted in unison, beaming up at him. "You always make the best cookies!"
Ears ringing from their cheers, Jakob simply nodded and gave them a tiny smile.
"I am honored you enjoy my cooking so much. Please enjoy yourselves." He then bowed with the empty tray behind his back. "I shall take my leave now."
Then, just as Jakob turned towards the door, Kana reached out and grabbed the tails of his waistcoat.
"Wait, Mr. Jakob! Eat with us!" The little boy laughed, waving a cookie around. "Please~!"
"Eh?"
"Yeah!" Sophie agreed, pointing to the chair across from them. "You are always working hard for mother, so why don't you relax for a moment?"
"My apologizes, Lady Sophie, but I have a pile of work waiting for me and frankly I-."
"Please~?" Kana bounced impatiently in his seat but Jakob grasped his shoulders to keep him still.
"No means no, Lord Kana. Now both of you hush up and eat your snacks before they get cold." Jakob sighed, hoping he hadn't wasted precious time. He had laundry to do, and Jakob really wanted a big chunk of it done before Felicia came along in the hopes of 'helping'.
"It would make Mama happy if you had some snacks!" Kana bribed, knowing fully well how to play him, and Jakob shot a glare down at the little boy before taking a seat across from the siblings.
"Alright," He groaned, rubbing his temples. "But only for a moment."
Sophie and Kana shared a victory smile before digging in, happily munching on the cookies and sipping their tea.
"So, Mr. Jakob," Sophie started after a moment, wiping her hands on a napkin. "Can we ask you something?"
"What is it?" Jakob sighed, his eyes closed and his head resting against his palm.
The siblings glanced at each other for a moment before Sophie continued.
"What was mother like as a child?"
The question took him off-guard, and he nearly fell out of his chair but quickly composed himself.
"Why are you asking me?" Jakob inquired, scrutinizing them both. "Your father is her childhood friend. Ask him."
"But Papa only knew Mama for a short time before they were separated!" Kana swung his feet back and forth, but a pointed look from Jakob stopped him. "Mama says you were her best friend in the north fortress, so please tell us about her."
It was a foolish reason, but Jakob felt his heart crack again at the words 'you were her best friend', but he shook it off and collected his thoughts.
"Well, Lady Kamui was a ball of energy, much like how you are, Lord Kana. She enjoyed reading about faraway adventures since she was confined to the fortress." The children leaned forward, absorbing every word while Jakob allowed himself to travel down memory lane. "She also loved animals, like you, Lady Sophie. She rescued and nursed a baby bird back to health once."
"Truly?! What happened to the baby bird afterwards?" Sophie asked, her eyes sparkling in wonder. "Did it become her most trusted companion?!"
'It became the weird fish thing in the castle's temple.' Jakob was tempted to say, but settled for, "It flew away after a while."
"My turn!" Kana raised his hand like he was in one of his lessons. "What did Mama look like? Was she always so pretty?"
"Yes," Jakob couldn't help but smile softly. "Your mother was very pretty as a child, and her smile could charm almost anyone. Both of you inherited that from her."
The siblings giggled in delight at hearing that, flashing Lady Kamui's smile and making Jakob's stomach clench.
"But," He continued, fiddling with the tablecloth. "The most noticeable thing about Lady Kamui was her hair."
"Her hair?"
"Yes, Lady Kamui had long, thick hair that reached the floor once upon a time. She was very proud of it and said it made her feel free, even if it was a pain to brush at times. I should know since I used to brush it for her every morning." He grinned at the precious memories of their morning ritual together, wishing to relive them one more time.
"But Mama has short hair now. Why did she cut if it meant so much to her?" Kana innocently asked, shocked when all the color drained from Jakob's face.
Involuntarily, Jakob clutched his chest, remembering how when he finally arrived at the border between Hoshido and Nohr, Kamui had sawed her hair off, exactly like his vison from years before. Her eyes had hardened and Jakob knew she wasn't the same carefree girl he grew up with.
And slowly…the distance between began to increase until-.
"Mr. Jakob? Are you alright?" Sophie's concern voice snapped him out of his daze and he realized his hands were trembling. "Do you need us to-?"
"I-I'm fine, Lady Sophie. Just a little tired." Jakob rubbed his face, trying to keep himself together. "Anyways, Lady Kamui loved to train underneath Gunter and Lord Xander. She wasn't very good at first, but she persisted and eventually grew to be quite capable."
"Quite capable you say?" A familiar voice rang out from behind him, and Jakob whirled around to find Kamui standing there with a smile on her face. "Is that what you think of my swordsmanship?"
"L-Lady Kamui!" Jakob shot out of his seat and bowed over and over. "Please forgive me! I didn't mean to insult you!"
"Jakob!" She laughed, halting him in place. "I was just joking! Please don't fret about it!"
"Mama!" Kana cheered, throwing his arms around Kamui. "I missed you!"
"Mother!" Sophie grinned, joining her little brother in the group hug. "Welcome home!"
"Hello, my dears." Kamui smiled softly, holding her children close while Jakob watched from afar, the hole in his heart growing.
'Stop it!' He ordered himself. 'She is happy with her family and that is enough! It is enough, Jakob! It is enough! It is….enough…right?'
Clearing his throat, Jakob stepped back and bowed, not wanting to intrude.
"I'm afraid I must be off. Please excuse me, Lady Kamui."
But, just as he was about to make his escape, Kamui called out to him.
"Please wait a minute, Jakob." Kamui then faced her children with a loving smile. "Why don't the two of you change out of your armor and we'll go look at the flower fields together?"
"Really?! Yay!" Kana cheered while Sophie nodded in agreement.
"Can we take Avel too, Mother? He loves the marigolds at this time of year."
"As long as you can keep him from stampeding through the fields, sweetheart."
"Alright! Thank you, Mother!"
And the two of them scurried out of the treehouse and towards their private dorms, leaving Kamui and Jakob alone.
"Is there something you require, Lady Kamui?" Jakob asked, feeling uneasy in her presence for the first time in his life. It was like they were total strangers now, and that terrified Jakob.
Had he really lost her?
Or…had she lost him?
Kamui didn't respond at first, just stared at him for a moment before sighing.
"It feels like it's been forever since we've been alone." She mumbled, voicing his concerns so easily. "You even speak overly formal to me now, just like the other butlers."
Another part of Jakob's heart cracked as Kamui began to break through the walls he had built up since that day at the Hoshido-Nohr border.
"I am speaking to you like I should, Lady Kamui." He fired back, desperately trying to keep his composure. "Now, was there something you needed? If not, I really should be going."
"I need…" Kamui hesitated before peering up at him, pain etched in her eyes "I need to beg for your forgiveness, Jakob."
Crack!
"B-But you've done nothing wrong, Lady Kamui."
"I have though! I….I abandoned you, Jakob."
Crack! Crack!
'No, please, no! Don't do this! Not now….not now..!' Jakob desperately tried to keep the walls around his heart standing, but every word from Kamui caused them to crumble.
"Whatever do you mean, Lady Kamui?" Jakob's voice was strained as he began to sweat bullets. "You are the leader of this army and have more important matters to attend to than to entertain a simple butler like me."
"Don't make excuses for me, Jakob." Kamui bit her lip and stepped forward. "Just because I fell in love with Silas didn't mean I couldn't spend time with you!"
Crack! Crack! Crack!
'Stop it! Just leave me be in my justified suffering! Just leave it, Kamui!'
"I-I understand, Lady Kamui-."
"No you don't understand, Jakob!" Kamui cried, rattling the picture frames on the wall. "There may be a war going on and I may have a family now, but you are still my best friend. The one who held me during thunderstorms when Papa was busy; the one who listened to my hopes and dreams about flying away; the one who encouraged me when I felt my training was going nowhere. It was you who filled my childhood with joy! It was you who helped me to fly, Jakob!"
"Lady Kamui, please…" He pleaded, clutching his chest as his heart cracked several more times and his eyes began to sting. "Don't say any more.."
"The bottom line is…I abandoned you, Jakob. I became so focused with ending this war that I forsook my friendship with you, and yet you still supported me like always while I've done nothing for you in return. I…Gods, I'm so sorry, Jakob!" Kamui then dashed forward and reached out. And, as her hand caressed his cheek, Jakob felt his lungs constrict. Oh, how long had it been since she touched him like this? His mind flashed back to one of the many times the two of them stayed up well into the night, gazing out of her bedroom window and naming the constellations. And then Kamui would touch his cheek and thank him for everything.
"I love you, Jakob!" she used to say and Jakob would feel like the brightest star of them all.
But…they weren't children anymore and things had changed.
And so, at long last , everything became clear to Jakob.
Kamui wasn't that little, helpless princess locked away in the tower anymore. She was now the commander of both the Nohrian and Hoshidan armies, and a mother. Kamui had grown up while he stayed behind in their memories. She had moved forward while he clung to the past, and that was what caused the rift to form between them. If he had just maintained a friendly relationship with her like Felicia did, Jakob wouldn't be in this situation right now.
If he hadn't fallen hopelessly in love with her…
But it was too late to fix anything now.
So Jakob knew what he had to do. To preserve what little remained of their relationship and what little remained of his sanity….
He had to let her go.
Even if Jakob could continue to bottle up his feelings, his attachment to the past and what used to be would only tear them further apart until there was nothing left.
Jakob loved her too much to put her though that.
It was he who crossed the impassable line, not her.
So, as the final crack shattered his heart into pieces, Jakob brushed her hand aside and stepped away.
"Jakob?"
"You did what you had to do, Lady Kamui. I will always treasure the memories of the two of us in that old fortress together. But…that is in the past and clinging to old memories won't fix anything. Your happiness matters more than my own, and I will fight for you until the end of my days. But…these wretched emotions have kept me from serving you like I should so…..I relinquish my position as your butler and retainer."
"Jakob-!" Kamui reached for him again, but he held a hand out to keep her at bay.
"I know I've broken my vow and you can punish me as you see fit." He bit his lip, trying to keep his voice even. "But, please, grant me this one selfish wish. You have been my reason to live since you saved me that fateful day, and the only thing I care about is your happiness. So please, live a long, full life. I want nothing more than to see you obtain the freedom you've desired for so long. That is all I want."
His vision blurred with unshed tears, but he didn't need to see clearly to know Kamui was crying too.
"Forgive my selfish desires, Lady Kamui. I have failed you as a butler and a friend."
Swallowing back a sob, Jakob gave her own final bow before closing the door behind him, leaving the only woman he would ever love standing there in stunned silence.
And as he stood there, his back against the wood door, Jakob finally let his emotions consume him.
Crumbling against the door, Jakob covered his face and sobbed, grieving all that he had lost and all that he never had to begin with.
The loss of his place in Kamui's heart, the loss of his place by Kamui's side, and the loss of the future they might've had if he didn't commit that fatal sin.
And that is what Jakob wept for the most.
He had committed the horrible sin of falling in love with a princess who had no place for him in her future.
Faintly, Jakob could hear Kamui's sobs from the other side of the door and felt the heat of her palms pressing against the wooden door. But she would be fine. Kamui had Silas, her children, and the royal families by her side.
He had no one, but as long as Kamui was happy, so was he.
At least, that was what he tried to convince himself as he stared at the night time sky through his tears, wishing Kamui had told him "I love you" one last time.
A/N: I always felt like Jakob didn't serve much of a big gamewise impact after the Chapter 6 decision so that is where this came from. Kamui seemed to care more for Azura and other solidiers so I felt Jakob would feel abandoned. They only grew apart because they let each other fade away. Jakob because of his forbidden feelings and Kamui because of her new role in the army. If they talked it out, maybe they could've saved their friendship, but at the same time, Jakob would never tell Kamui he loved her, especially if she was married. So the only way for him to finally have peace and to keep the remains of their relationship from deteriorating was to let Kamui go. But Kamui also acknowledges what she had done to Jakob, and he hates himself for doing that to her since he never wants to give her any sorrow. I AM SO FREAKING CRUEL TO JAKOB! *pour holy water on head* EVIL BE GONE! Anways, I hoped you liked it! :D