This is the first in a probably 2-part Christmas themed -Man story. No pairings, just insanity. Rated T for language and some violence later on... and a little here. Because, it is Kanda we're talking about after all.

-Man's Great Bah-Humbug

~Kanda Kills Santa~

Sitting absent-mindedly with all kinds of happy little visions swirling in his head of the ever nearing holiday, Allen Walker was quite anxious about the events of Christmas. It was a magical sort of time in the Dark Religious Organization. Every corner was lit with beautiful colored lights. Every inch of the huge building had been polished to a perfectly shining pearly hue. There had been a giant tree set out in the lobby that was adorned by the most lavish and lovely ornaments to be found, along with one from every one of the organization's members. There was a bright happiness in the eyes of almost everybody even as they went about even the most monotonous duties.

Almost everybody.

As usual, Allen could see that Kanda was not being the life of the party. Go figure.

He was walking in his usual sulky and self-righteous way, holding his head high and looking down on everybody. However, for the last few weeks he had seemed especially annoyed with everybody who came near. This was a feat Allen had previously thought impossible. And it was made worse by the fact Kanda seemed completely set upon making everybody else miserable at one of the happiest times of the year.

It was well-agreed that Yu was being a twat.

Allen was passing through the halls when he was unfortunate enough to catch sight of the unhappy exorcist. 'Oh man,' the white-headed boy thought to himself. 'Don't make eye contact! Just keep walking like you don't even see him!'

Allen's face, unfortunately, was a dead giveaway that he was not willing to talk to Kanda, and the swordsman picked up on it. Poor Allen.

"What are you looking at, Moyashi?!"

"N-nothing! I was just-"

"Just what?!" Kanda, without really waiting for (or caring for) what Allen was going to say, picked him up by the collar of the shirt and held him off of the floor. As expected, he had that "really ticked off" evil look on his face. "I don't want to hear any of the 'it's Christmas' bull shit either. Understand that, Moyashi?!"

"It's… It's Allen." Probably one of the worse mistakes the boy could have made by saying that.

~~~***~~~***

"Has anybody seen Allen?" Lenalee was searching all over for the boy, and it wasn't really going well for her. She'd looked everywhere, including the cafeteria… twice.

Of course, nobody really knew where to find him. Kanda was good that way. It kind of made everybody wonder if he had anything to do with the many other missing exorcists that had 'left' during holidays.

…Nah.

Lenalee sighed deeply and looked out the window in a wistful manner. The white snow was falling down in little glowing crystal patches from the heavens. It was absolutely delightful. The world was washed clean and sparkled in the sun. Truly, it was magical.

In her daze, she looked downwards off of that extremely high floor and saw a little black speck down on the ground. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be a shoe… no, it was a whole leg! It was just sticking out of the snow right there.

Already kind of knowing what had happened, Lenalee made her way casually and comfortable down the seemingly endless flights of stairs and outside, then around the corner to the frozen Allen.

"Picked a fight with Kanda, didn't you?" She just spoke as if it was normal and it happened every week. And, come to think of it, it did. Sometimes twice in a week. On New Year's Eve last year he'd sent four people out of a window on the top floor at once. But the only person who got hurt was Lavi, and he thought it was great fun.

"I did not!" The Walker-boy's protest was in vain because the girl already knew. After all, she knew Kanda much better than Allen. She grabbed his leg and hauled him out of the snow bank.

"Maybe he just doesn't like snow?"

"Maybe he doesn't like people."

"No, that's not it. He only does this on holidays anyway. Except Halloween. He likes Halloween. Maybe a little too much?" Visions of the Halloween they had endured last year made the Lee girl a little sick to her stomach. Never again would she make the mistake of asking Kanda to help carve pumpkins. Never.

With a sigh, Allen looked up at the window very high above he had been hurled out of with great force. "Are we going to do something about it?"

"What do you think can be done? It's Christmas Eve Allen. Just let it go."

"Aw! But nobody should have the authority to ruin Christmas!"

"Allen," Lenalee breathed slowly. "There really isn't anything we can do. It's like this EVERY year. Besides, he's just going to hide up in his room the whole day tomorrow like always."

He mumbled something to himself and crossed his arms. Kanda was certainly turning out to be more of an ass than he had expected.

~~**~~**~~**~~**~~

Sulking in his room and muttering curses to the holiday and all of its senseless stupidity, Kanda was intent of hiding away for all of Christmas Day. After all, what was the point of this? He'd been dealing with all of this idiotic holiday crap since before Thanksgiving. At least on Thanksgiving the Moyashi couldn't talk to him. His mouth was always stuffed.

Somehow, that led him into a thought process on metabolism. Seems like it's the same thing with almost all Anime characters, doesn't it? Except that one with all those ninjas. A few normal-looking people were in there.

Kanda convinced himself he could take all of said ninjas without breaking a sweat.

There was a clatter on the roof. Little tufts of snow fell down past the window and the noise seemed to grow.

"Dammit Komui, I am NOT dealing with this shit! Shut up!" It did not end. In fact, it seemed to grow even worse. Grasping the pillow against his ears with intensity, Yu rolled out of bed and walked to his door with rage in his eyes. "I swear to God, if that damned Moyashi has anything to do with this I'll kill him." Footsteps came up the stairs and down the corridor, nearing his room. Kanda thrust the pillow back to his bed and rested his hand on the Mugen.

The feet came closer, closer, and then they stopped right outside the door. Kanda took three cautious steps back and fell into a fighting stance, drawing out his sword.

The door was cracked open ever so slightly. A little more… a little more…and…

BAM!!!

In a flourish of blade and blood there lay a man in a red suit, unconscious on the ground, with Kanda standing vilely above with a sinister expression. "I freaking told you Komui!" He reached down and tried to pull the beard off of the insensible Santa.

There was, however, a problem.

The beard was real.

"What the…" Kanda got stunned and stayed where he was, unsure of the situation. In but a moment, several crashing noises were heard from all windows in the area. Kanda soon found he was surrounded by very short people… with pointy ears… and green coats… with guns…

And he couldn't call for help. Why? Two reasons…

1) Everybody was down in the lobby setting up presents under the tree. They'd never hear him.

2) He was just way too damn cool to scream out that he was being attacked by elves. I mean really now, who would ACTAULLY do that?

In the blink of an eye, Kanda found that he was being wrapped up in, well, wrapping paper. And then he was tied up with black ribbons and yelled at by multiple elves.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?!??!"

A she-elf with a lot of authority watched the area while some others helped up Santa who was, not surprisingly, just fine. After all, if that had actually worked, how many dead Santas do you think they'd have? "Call off the back-up, we have it handled here," she commanded through a radio ear-piece. "No, it's bad. We've got a 3rd degree beard-puller here."

A male elf with a scruffy Popeye-the-sailor look going for him flashed a badge in Kanda's face as he lay confused and helpless on the ground wrapped in red paper.

"This is the S.L.H. Force. You're under arrest." He sounded pretty pissed off.

"The what?! I did what?!"

"Santa's Little Helpers. You've been convicted for the attempted murder of Mr. Claus, beard-pulling, and an all-around scrooge attitude."

"Butwhatha?!?! How do you-"

"We know everything. Do you really think the man in the red suit has time to watch all you little brats? Believe me, we know about you. We've been watching." He made that 'I'm watching you' sign with his fingers moving back from his eyes to Kanda twice.

"I didn't mean to do anything! Come on guys, this is just crazy!"

"Yeah, that's what they all say."

"But it's Christmas!"

"Ho, ho, ho. Get in the sleigh, bitch."

And so Kanda was taken off into the night by three elves. One of the two she-elves kept giggling girlishly was she looked at Kanda. The other was apparently the head-helper. She looked damned angry. And, of course, there was the elf that he'd already had an argument with.

"What the Hell have I gotten myself into?" Yu whispered.