Discalimer: Castle and all of its characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Productions. Title is from "Dirty Water" by The Standells. "Call Me" belongs to Shinedown.
So, this is a follow up to "Alone With You". I had almost completely forgotten that I'd written that until I stumbled upon it while cleaning out my laptop the other night. This is set about seven months after the end of that fic.
Wrap me in a bolt of lightning,
Send me on my way still smiling.
Maybe that's the way I should go,
Straight into the mouth of the unknown.
I left the spare key on the table,
Never really thought I'd be able
To say I merely visit on the weekends.
I lost my whole life and a dear friend.
I've said it so many times,
I would change my ways, no nevermind.
God knows I've tried.
Call me a sinner, call me a saint.
Tell me it's over, I'll still love you the same.
Call me your favorite, call me the worst.
Tell me it's over, I don't want you to hurt.
It's all that I can say.
So, I'll be on my way.
Boston, Mass.
Boston Police Department, Homicide Division
"Hey, Detective Ryan, here are those files that you wanted." Ryan looked up from his computer screen and took the manilla folder from the young uniform that shot him an award winning smile.
"Thanks, Erickson." He mumbled, flipping the folder open and brushing through the papers inside quickly. They had been working through a case of a baseball fan found murdered under the grandstand on opening day. There were few leads and even fewer people willing to talk.
He sighed loudly and drug his hands through his hair angrily. He would give anything to trade the Hell's Kitchen Westies for the South Boston IRA members any day. The gang was tight knit and there was no way in hell he was going to get anything out of any of the members, let alone the people that they'd put the squeeze on. The heads had the community so terrified of retalliation that they refused to give him anything worth a damned that could pin the murder on one of them.
His new partner, Gonsalves, was a damned good cop, and an incredible detective. But he wasn't Esposito. He missed having him around to bounce ideas off of, but mos of all he missed his partner. His best friend. Hell, if he was being honest, he even missed having an obnoxious writer staring over his shoulder and throwing about insane theories.
Then there was Kate. He didn't really have to miss her, because she visited him in his dreams every night. She wouldn't leave him alone, as many times as he begged God or anyone else that would listen to take her away, and to make the dreams stop. He hated how much effect she had on him and how deeply imbedded in his mind she was. In his heart. He was a fool for loving someone that he couldn't have, and someone that would never choose him if she had the option. She had proven that the last night he'd been in New York.
"Hey, Ryan, you lost again, man. Sox just beat the Yanks six to three. You know the drill." Gonsalves grinned at him from his desk, tossing a tattered Red Sox cap across the bullpen to him. Ryan threw on a fake glare and tugged the hat onto his head, adjusting it until his hair was properly situated. It was much harder to do since he'd let his hair grow out a bit.
His bangs had begun to flop over onto his forehead two weeks after he'd moved into his new apartment, and he just hadn't thought to cut it. It was something new and it was something that wasn't Kevin Ryan NYPD detective. He wasn't that man anymore, only deep down he was.
"There, you happy, Gonsalves? One of these times, they're gonna lose and you'll be the one getting pictures taken of you." He flipped his partner the middle finger as the other man snapped a photo of him on his cellphone. It wouldn't shock him in the least when he got home if he found the photo posted to Facebook.
"Oh, I'm happy as a clam, my friend. I think I'll have this blown up into an eight-by-ten and put it on the dashboard in the patrol car. What d'ya think?" His thick Boston accent had the word car sounding more like "caaah" than the correct word. His partner was born and bred in Boston, and Ryan was pretty sure that his blood was full of the dirty water that flowed in the Charles River instead of blood.
"I think that you're out of your damned mind. That's not getting blown up into any sized picture." He chuckled, leaning back in his rolling chair and kicking his feet up onto his desk, watching Gonsalves standing and moving towards the break room. Santino Gonsalves was a hulking man, standing at almost six foot five and weighing two-hundred and forty pounds, the man could intimidate the most hardened murderer (the IRA excluded, of course. Ryan was positive that the Devil himself couldn't intimidate those men).
"I'm getting another cup, you want some?" He asked gesturing to Ryan's mostly empty coffee cup, but Ryan shook his head politely.
"Naw, I'm good, man. Thanks anyway." Gonsalves pulled a shrug and moved into the break room. He pulled his cellphone from his pocket and unlocked the screen, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he stared at the screen. The photo on his background was one of his favorites; it was Esposito, Castle, Beckett and himself in the booth at the Old Haunt. Beckett's arm was slung across his shoulders, pulling him closer to her and making a funny face from where her chin was settled onto his shoulder, and on the other side of the table Esposito and Castle were faking a fist fight, their faces comically twisted in feigned anger.
"You know, that's one of my favorite pictures of all of us." Her voice was directly next to his ear, startling him out of his reverie. He spun to face her quickly, his arctic blue eyes wide with shock.
I finally put it all together,
Nothing really lasts forever.
I had to make a choice that was not mine,
I had to say goodbye for the last time.
I kept my whole life in a suitcase,
Never really stayed in one place.
Maybe that's the way it should be,
You know I lived my life like a gypsy.
Call me a sinner, call me a saint.
Tell me it's over, I'll still love you the same.
Call me your favorite, call me the worst.
Tell me it's over, I don't want you to hurt.
It's all that I can say.
So, I'll be on my way.
"K-Kate...what are you doing here?" He whispered, his knuckles white from how tightly he was clutching the arms of his desk chair.
"I came to beg you to come back." She flopped into the chair next to his desk and leaned forward on her elbows, her chin resting in her hands. "Esposito mopes around the precinct like someone ran over his puppy, Castle can't even get him to come play Madden. And Castle misses you too, he says that the precinct isn't the same with you gone."
"So? Why didn't one of them come to get me? Why did they send you?" He practically spat, trying to put as much venom into his words as he'd felt the day that he'd woken up to find her gone.
"Because they think that I can convince you to come back. I miss you, Kevin. I'm so sorry that I hurt you, but I need you to come back. You're part of my team. You always will be. We all have to stick together, remember?" She smiled, reaching out and covering his hand with her own. He pulled away as if her hand had been made of fire. His eyes shot daggers at her and he stood abruptly from his desk, practically slamming the chair back under the desk. He poked his head into the break room.
"Gonsalves, I'm gonna step out for a minute, shoot me a text if anything shakes out of those financials, okay?" His partner nodded subtly, not quite understanding what was happening, but he knew better than to ask questions when Kevin didn't offer up the information willingly.
Kevin spun out of the break room and stormed to the stairs to the roof. He didn't need to look behind him to know that Kate was following him, the tap-tap her Stilettos as she jogged to keep up with him was enough. He took the stairs two at a time until he burst through the door and the cooling evening air hit him.
He sucked in a deep breath and moved to the edge of the roof, bracing his hands on the railing and looking across the Boston skyline. The sun had just begun its descent on the horizon, the golden-red light coloring the spaces between the gargantuan buildings.
Her hand on his back had Ryan tensing and spinning away from her once again. She sighed loudly, and he didn't have to look at her to know that she was worrying her bottom lip between her teeth nervously.
"You have no idea how much you've put me through, Kate." He growled, looking down at the sidewalk and watching the bustle of people below them. "It's taken me so long to be able to wake up in the morning without being in physical pain because you're not here. I have to come into work every day and work through my cases with Gonsalves. Sure, he's a great partner, but he's not you, Kate."
"I don't understand why you left, Ryan."
"Because I can't stand being in the same city with a woman that I'm so in love with and watch her be with someone else." He snapped, finally turning to face her, his face reddened with anger. Kate's mouth gaped at him a moment, stunned by the outburst. She'd expected for him to be angry, but she hadn't expected this.
"Ryan, I know that I hurt you when I left, but you had to know that I would choose Rick. You told me yourself that I was in love with him."
"But you told me that you wanted to give us a shot, Kate! How fair is that to me?" He yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. "Did you even consider that fact before slipping out of my bed in the middle of the night and not even having the decency to tell me to my face? No, instead you left me with a message on my answering machine and a broken heart. Now you come crawling back seven months later expecting me to come back with my tail between my legs just because you asked me nicely and gave me a smile?"
"Ryan, I never meant to-."
"KEVIN!" He bellowed, cornering her against the air vent stack, his hands braced on either side of her face. "My name is KEVIN! You can't even call me by my damned name!" He snarled, ducking so that he look her in the eyes.
"Kevin, I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry." She whimpered, tears falling softly from her eyes. He jumped away from her, shame veiling his features. He hadn't meant to scare her or make her cry. She was one of his best friends, what the hell was he doing?
"I...Kate, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I just...I miss you." He whispered, stepping away fro mher and sliding down the air vent until he was seated on the ground. She sat next to him, hooking her arm around his and looking at him. He averted his gaze to his feet shyly.
Kate reached up and pulled the Red Sox cap off of his head, smirking playfully at him.
"So, you've converted to the dark side?" Ryan gave a quiet chuckle.
"No, I lost a bet. Every time that the Red Sox beat the Yankees, I have to wear this damned hat." He took the hat from her and tossed it onto the ground next to him. He flinched slightly when she reached up and ran her fingers through his hair slowly, marveling at the strands as they slipped through her fingers.
"You grew it out." She whispered.
"Yeah, I just needed a change, I guess." He replied, allowing himself to steal a glance at her. God, the woman was breathtaking. There was no denying that, but she wasn't his. She never would be. Castle had staked his claim, and the evidence of that was the scrape of a platinum band on her left hand as it moved across his scalp. Her engagement ring. Kate was engaged.
I'll always keep you inside,
You healed my heart and my life,
And you know I tried.
Call me a sinner, call me a saint.
Tell me it's over, I'll still love you the same.
Call me your favorite, call me the worst.
Tell me it's over, I don't want you to hurt.
It's all that I can say.
"He asked you to marry him." Ryan whispered, pulling away from her, ignoring the tiny pull on the strands of his hair when they caught on the prongs of her ring. He held her hand up in front of his face and glared at the shimmering diamond.
"Yeah...about a month ago." She replied, pulling her hand away and tucking it into her jacket pocket selfconciously.
"You said yes." He stood and backed away from her again, the familiar bubble of anger that had followed him around since he moved to Boston returning to his chest.
"Of course I said yes, Kevin. I love him." She replied, rubbing her hand over the back of her neck.
"I know you do." He snarled, extending his hand and helping her to her feet. "Kate, I need you to be honest with me. Did you honestly intend to stay that night after we slept together?"
"I...Ryan, I was drunk. I didn't want to hurt you, but I wanted you. I had to know if there was something between us." She replied, moving to put her hand on his shoulder. He spun away once again, not wanting to have her hands on him for even a second. He ran his hands over the stubble on his face a moment before opening the door to the stairs again.
"You need to go." He snapped, gesturing for her to go down the stairs.
"But, Kevin, I want...I thought that you'd come back with me?"
"No, I'm not coming back, Kate. This is my home now. You'll have to get used to that." He waited for her to move, but when she didn't, he pointed angrily down the stairs. "Go back to New York, Kate. Just leave, just...you've done enough. Please, leave." He pleaded, pinching his nose between his thumb and forefinger. The cool, New England wind whipped across the rooftop, causing a shiver to course through both of them. Kate nodded slwoly before brushing past him and starting down the stairs.
Ryan waited a moment, bracing himself on the railing once again and overlooking the now darkened skyline. She had honestly come back to try to convince him he needed to come back to the 12th. How could she not understand that he was still in love with her.
She had gone and gotten engaged to him. God, when did the mention of Castle start causing a sour thickness in the back of his throat? The man had gone from his best friend to his worst enemy in a matter of twenty minutes. His cellphone buzzed in his shirt pocket and he slipped it out automatically.
Hey, bro. I just want you to know that, no matter what happened with you and Beckett, I miss you. You're my partner, no matter what precinct or state you're in. 'Til the wheels fall off. I love you, man. You're my best friend. I'll be coming to Boston in a few weeks, and you can bet your ass you're buying drinks. -E
He smiled affectionately and replied quickly, telling him that they were definitely going to have to go out. He had been itching to send him a message so that he could take him to the cop dive in town for beer. His phone buzzed again and he opened the secondary message.
Got results from the financials, and we've got a lead. Time to roll, partner.
He sighed and jogged down the stairs to meet up with Gonsalves. Boston wasn't New York. There weren't hot dog stands on every corner. His hair was longer than he'd had it since he graduated the academy. Gonsalves was not Esposito. There was no Castle. And there sure as hell was no Kate.
It wasn't the place that he'd been when he had grown into his badge, but as he slid into the driver's seat and his partner smiled at him with a cheery "let's do this, boss", he realized that it was a place he'd come to call 'home'. For the first time since he'd left his mother's apartment in south Brooklyn to go to the police academy, Kevin Ryan had a place that he could call home.
So, I'll be on my way.
So, I'll be on my way.
So, thoughts? Reactions? Should I continue or leave it as a one-shot? Drop me a review and let me know.
Much love, J. Rook