Thursday the 14th
Prologue: The Racist
So this whole thing started last fall when one of my three sweetmates, lets call her Queen Bee, announced that we would be getting a new roommate. This was because her last roommate, let's call her… The Racist, was moving out. Apparently, Queen Bee had driven her crazy. Not surprised. Not upset, either. Wish I were going.
My roommate, who we'll call My Creepy Roommate, knows someone who's looking for a new living situation. We met her and right away she seemed awesome. We'll refer to her as The Normal One.
So I went to study abroad in the spring and The Normal One moved in, so there were still only three people living in a four-person apartment. All well.
It's when I came back in the following fall that all the fun started.
Sunday the 16th
Identity Crisis
I'm rooming once again with My Creepy Roommate, while The Normal One rooms with Queen Bee. Queen thinks I'm too messy to room with. Lols. I'm not that messy, she's just OCD. She's also a vegetarian, a so-called feminist (which I doubt, as she's as unsupportive to the girls in her life as a bra made out of tissue paper) an asthmatic, a swimmer, 100% Italian, an only child whose parents spoil her, weighs under 100 lbs, and pink is her favorite color. No one cares about these things, but she likes to make a very strong impression on everyone she meets.
Friday the 21st
Thank God
The Normal One has informed me that she is glad I'm back because rooming with Queenie and Creepy all alone was terrible and, what a surprise, she thinks I'm normal, too!
I think we're gonna get along great.
Monday the 24th
Murder Most Fowl
Queen Bee has made a list of all her allergies and put it up on the fridge for everyone to admire. It's a long list. I didn't think anyone could be so proud of something like that. I took a look one day while rifling through the fridge for eggs and noted that a lot of the things on her list were names of drugs I'd never even heard of. Why would we need to know that? Does she just want to make sure we don't accidently poison her?
Well, one thing's for sure.
I know exactly what I'd need should I ever decide to poison her.
Tuesday the 27th
Cat-Ninja Burglar
I think Queenie is under the impression the rest of us have a severe mental deficiency. She insists that she sleeps in her own bed every night, not at her boyfriend's – but she doesn't. Frankly, Normal prefers having the room to herself, since Bee is so persnickety about when lights should be turned off and how warm the room should be. She thinks she owns the thermostat. Sometimes she cranks that puppy up to 90. What is she, a cactus? But I digress.
As I was saying, every night she'll take all her freakish stuffed animals off of her bed, turn down the covers, get into her jammies, and then go back downstairs, plop on the couch and wait for everyone to go to bed. She'll wait until 2 am if she has to. She'll say something like "I'll be up in a bit!" but she never is. Instead, she goes to her boyfriend's apartment. Fine, all well and good. Except every morning she'll wake up super-early, sneak back into to her room with cat-ninja-like stealth, slip neatly under the covers, and then pretend to wake up there ten minutes later. Normal is so baffled by Queenie's desire to lie about where she sleeps, but she thinks that calling her out on it would only make her think that she wants her back here during the weeknights. The only thing that bothers Normal is the fact that Queen Bee thinks she's dumb enough not to notice when she's not actually in their room. So she plays along. I figure she could use this against Queenie in some way in the future, though I have no idea how yet. She could say something like, "How 'bout that fire last night?" and see how Queenie reacts. Or bring up a make-believe conversation she tried to have with her at 3 am and ask why she had nothing to contribute.
Sometimes I'll see her come into the apartment at quarter to 6 because I've pulled an all-nighter. She'll stop in her tracks like she's just been caught burgling, her eyes wide and full of fear. Oh, and she always has one of her stuffed animals clutched under her arm. It's a different one every time. I feel bad for every one of them.