With Season 13 coming up, I decided to start rewatching favorite episodes, and this story came to mind. Mostly MerDer. Just a short one shot, but I'll add more if anyone's interested! Reviews are welcome and appreciated.
Derek hadn't slept. He had been listening to Meredith breathe for hours, and drifted off. As he nodded off, visions of blue frozen Meredith crossed his mind. He startled awake, jolting Meredith awake as well. He was breathing fast, his heart was racing.
Meredith felt his arms tightening around her.
"Derek? What happened?" She turned to face him, seeing the worry on his face. She reached up and twisted a piece of hair between her fingers.
"It's nothing, just go back to sleep." He sighed, and kissed her forehead.
"No, tell me what's wrong. Are you okay? Was it a bad dream?" She rested her hand under her cheek as she turned around completely to face him. She ran her fingers along his hairline, waiting for him to respond.
"I just- I was scared I was going to lose you today." He placed his elbow on the pillow to prop up his head.
"But you didn't. I'm fine. You saved me, and now I'm here and I'm fine." She smiled at him, and reached for his hand and squeezed it. He wouldn't meet her eyes. She leaned up and kissed him gently, ran her fingers through his hair.
"I'm okay." She repeated.
He met her gaze, and forced a smile.
"I know. Meredith, I- I love you."
"I know you do." She smiled, and touched his cheek with her tiny ineffectual knuckle. "I love you."
She held his gaze for a few moments, before turning onto her side, and placing his hands at her hips. She resumed her sleep, as he laid awake. Thinking. Thinking how he had lost all his will to live. Today, with the loss of one person, of one woman, and Meredith. If she was gone, everything was.
He awoke to Meredith coughing. He startled and bolted to a sitting position, watching as the violent coughing tore through her little body. It started small, but now she was having trouble breathing. She grabbed his hand, eyes wavering with fear.
"Meredith, what- breathe, just focus on breathing." He pat her on the back, trying to keep her calm. The coughing didn't stop. She stumbled toward the bathroom, he bolted after her. She kneeled over the toilet as the cough forced blood out of her mouth into the bowl. The site of her blood and the sound of her cough caused adrenaline to be released. He grabbed his phone an dialed 911.
"My name is Derek Shepherd, I need a Seattle Grace Ambulance right now!"
He watched her wilt onto the bathroom floor, eyes closed. He watched her eyelashes flutter as he rushed her down the stairs, out the door, toward the siren. He heard George and Izzie's worried voices around him. He watched the paramedic push a round of drugs through an IV, he watched her hands go limp off the edge of the stretcher. He watched the faces of Bailey and Webber grow closer through the ambulance window.
"Derek, what happened?" Webber demanded.
"I-I woke up and she was coughing, she started coughing up blood and then she was unconscious, but I think she looked at me in the ambulance, she's got two of epi in the past 10 minutes-" Derek described as he ran, holding Meredith's hand as she was rushed into the hospital.
"Okay, I need an emergency OR prepped, she must still have fluid in her lungs from the water-" The chief ordered.
The chief turned to Derek, who was looking hopelessly into Meredith's eyes.
"Derek. She needs I be prepped for surgery. I need you to wait in the-"
"No, Richard. Please. I need to go with her. I won't leave her again, she's leaving me-"
Richard sighed. "Ok. We need scrubs for Dr. Shepherd!"
The surgery was torture. Derek had to watch from feet away as monitors beeped, voices yelled, air rushed. All her could see was her face. Through it all. It was pale, but he kept waiting for it to come alive, to mock his scrubs given to husbands of labor mothers. He watched as her heart went into V Fib, but it was never connected. The body on the table wasn't Meredith. Meredith was rain. She was deep bathtubs, she was elevator rides, she was lip gloss and messy hair, she was snoring and nose strips, she was ferry boats, she was who he pictured in his dream house, she was who he dreamed of. This wasn't Meredith.
She survived. He heard someone say it. He watched as they rolled her out of the OR, towards the recovery unit. He tried to follow, but Dr. Bailey had removed his hand gently from hers, and had soothingly convinced him to take a moment. He stood in the OR. He couldn't comprehend that the blood on the floor was Meredith's. He stood alone for what seemed like forever, then sunk to his knees. He wasn't one to cry. He usually didn't let cases affect him too much, but he broke down. This was Meredith. This was different. He let all his anxiety melt away in quiet sobs.
He finally heard a voice at the door. "Derek," it was Richard. "She's going to be fine, but she'll need to take a good amount of time at home to heal and rest."
Derek remained crouched in the floor, his head in his hands. He felt the Chief's hand rest in his shoulder.
"You did the right thing. She's going to be fine." He repeated over and over.
She awoke to a burning in her throat. She could see a breathing tube, and immediately panicked. She looked around for a nurse, for Derek, for anyone.
She saw his face. She saw the worry in his eyes, how tired her was.
"Meredith, calm down. They have to leave the tube in, there's too much damage to your lungs." That was Izzie's voice. It was calm.
Derek leaped towards her, and she gripped his hand with all the strength she had. She could hear her breathing quickening through the tube, the monitors beeping.
"Meredith, you're okay. I got you, you're okay." She gripped his hand as she put her own hand in her chest. Her heart was beating. She was okay.
"We'll give you two a moment." Izzie and the two nurses who had been checking her vitals exited the room.
"Hey." Derek sat down on her hospital bed, pushed her hair back from her face. She pointed to the tube.
"They can't take it out until they know your lungs are clear. But soon. Just relax." He wrapped his arm around her, brushed her hair off her face. She motioned writing, for him to get a pen and paper. She scrawled 'Thank you.' He smiled sadly at her.
"Oh Meredith," he pulled her to him. "God, you scared me."
They both began to drift off. She felt the warmth of his body next to her. She pretended she was home after a normal day, that she was wearing her Dartmouth tee shirt not a night gown from the hospital, and Derek was lying next to her like any other night.
He felt her relax in his arms. He watched as her eyes drifted closed. He stayed awake, stroking her hair, her face, her back. The fatigue disappeared, and was replaced with stubborn will to stay awake, to keep her safe. He didn't know how long it had been, he assumed 5 or 6 hours, when the nurse came in to check her vitals. He hadn't even closed his eyes once.
"Dr. Shepherd, I can take her breathing tube out now, once she's awake." He nodded to the nurse.
"Hey." He whispered in her ear. She slowly rolled over, opened her eyes.
"They're going to take the tube out," he said and watched her eyes light up.
The nurse had Meredith sit up, and gently removed the tube and tape from her airway. She breathed her first shaky breath.
"You might have some discomfort. Your lungs were under a lot of stress during surgery. The coughing did some damage to your throat, but it's minimal should heal on its own. I'll give you a moment." The nurse left.
"Hey." She said softly, looking up at him.
"Hey." It was all he could've mustered in the moment.
"You look like crap," she said softly. He laughed, a thankful laugh, she had come back.
Visitors filed in throughout the day. Derek hadn't wanted to leave, but Meredith coaxed him to perform his prescheduled surgeries for the day.
Cristina came in first. She glanced at Derek, staring at Meredith.
"I'm sorry, but I'm saying this as your girlfriend's best friend; you need to go to sleep, or get a facial, or something. You're scaring patients." Meredith laughed at Cristina's comment. Derek smiled, happy to hear her laugh again.
"I suppose both of you are right. I'm gonna go shower. I'll have the nurses set up a cot in your room, so I'll just nap here until my Craniotomy at 6-"
Derek began to stand up, but Meredith stopped him.
"Derek, you're being ridiculous. Go home, or at least into an on call room. You need to spend some time not watching me breathe for hours-"
"I'm just worried about you, I think I have a right to-" She smiled at his protectiveness.
"I know and I appreciate that, but so do I. And I'll be fine. But I'm worried that you're going to pass out from exhaustion. Now, go sleep!"
He smiled, and slowly left the room. "Ah, thank God, that took forever. Let's talk about how annoying he is!" Cristina loudly whispered sarcastically while Derek was still in earshot. He looked back and smiled at Meredith chuckling and launching into whatever she and Cristina needed to catch up on now.
He opened the door to the locker room, turned on the water. He tried not to think about the last time he had been submerged in water. He tried to think about how he would open and perform his craniotomy in an hour, about what tools he would use, about what he needed to review in the patient's file. It felt like everything, even his mind, was moving on to some other thought or place, but he himself felt like he was still in the water, fighting to plunge a little bit deeper, to reach her icy hands.