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Just a little deeper, there is still something there. That cake you ate will go straight to your thighs. Your fat, flabby thighs. You have gained a pound, better get to the gym quick and run it off, run until your legs give out. Your chubby legs. Stop crying you useless lump, you are the one who will not stop eating.
The water below turns murky, churning with bits of brown, white, orange, whatever you stuffed down when no one was around. But when is anyone around, they have all left have they not? Because you got fat. "Look how huge she is!" your peers laughed, what a cow, they cried. No one talked to you, even your father faded, the love of his daughter not enough to keep him around.
You dry-heave and curse me to the pits of hell. But I cannot be damned, for I am you, my dearest girl. I am you as you are me, fed by your insanity. Your disease. Your stomach churns in agony, deprived of the food it once cradled so lovingly. You collapse on the floor, your face red and your eyes teary, your stomach bulges against that shirt.
You invited me into your mind you know. The first time you purged I came knocking, invaded your spirit and took over. You are the only one to blame. That first time three years ago when you were fourteen, when you realized you were nothing but a monstrosity. I hear you trying to fight me, it will not work I tell you. I will not leave unless you stop. Which you never will.
You are still on the floor. My god, you are a sad excuse for human. If you had any dignity you would fight back, I would enjoy that. A sound is heard and you silence your whimpering to hear thumping and the jangle of keys.
What is this? Daddy is home from work. How exciting, he returns while you are still in the bathroom, sniveling like a baby. Your mouth tastes of bile so you drag yourself off the floor and to the sink and rinse it with water. You take your toothbrush in hand and coat the bristles with toothpaste which stings your mouth the mint is too strong. Oh well, you cannot stand the taste you scrub harder, drawing blood from your gums.
The white foam you spit into the sink is tinged pink. Wash it down the sink then idiot do not stare at it. You abandon your toothbrush on the counter and return to your room to put on your workout clothes and shoes. You leave the house without telling father where you are headed; it is not like he cares anyway. Into your truck and to the gym, the only one in town. Good thing it has a treadmill or you would be fucked.
No one is there except a few employees. No wait; there is a man there, on the rowing machine at the back of the room. Stop staring you whore, he will not want you. Turn on the machine, start jogging to warm up. Increase the speed, your breathing quickens. The man turns to look at you, your stomach is flopping and he is disgusted, you look away in shame.
The speed is faster still; you are covered in stinking perspiration. You wish for water but I will not let you, you will retain it and blow up like a beach ball. You look up to see the man has moved to the leg lift, only a few machines down from you. He is staring at you again, his eyes transfixed on you as he lifts, working his calves.
Put your head down wench and pick up the pace! You gasp for breath now, heavily drenched in sweat and your tongue sticking to the roof of your mouth. I laugh at your pain. The man looks at you concerned, tell him to back off, go away! You have been running for an hour and I think you are about to collapse, I suppose you may take a break and sit for a while, but only for a few minutes.
You turn the machine off, grab a towel and wipe your sopping forehead, the hair sticks to it, damp and greasy. You spy a water fountain and beg for a sip. Go then, when your become so large that no man will ever bed you then you will wish you had listened to me and kept running.
You all but fall onto the water and guzzle it down like a heifer. Which is what you are, a stinking fat heifer who will remain a virgin forever. You cry inside and I dance on your misery, thriving on how it feeds me, gives me strength so that I may rule you forever.
If you do not like me that is your own fault, you are the one propelling me forward by listening to my commands and building my power over your life, like wood into the fire. Go now, little girl. Go home for I fear that man is contemplating approaching you, that he will want to strike up a conversation. I cannot have that.
If you have a shoulder to cry I will die, you will be strengthened by him and I will wither away into nothingness, only a distant memory of the monster that haunted you. I know I am a monster, but I am your monster.
"Hello, are you alright?" it is the man. He has decided to come and talk to you. He is striking and you see now that he is not much older than you. His features are perfection, like a sculpture created at the hands of a master.
I beg you do not answer; I will crumble like dust once you reply. You step away from the water fountain and wipe the stray drops from your mouth with the towel. Do not say a word!
"I'm fine, just a little thirsty." I can feel myself dying, already so weak from those six words alone. He smiles at you and I die a little more, how could one person make such a difference? He laughs and you smile as well, killing me again. Your stomach rumbles and you think of what you did earlier in the bathroom and I strengthen a bit.
He offers a hand and I lose what I just gained once you put your fingers against the broad palm of his hand. He grasps it and shakes it. "My name is Edward." you smile again and I am fading fast. "Bella." you reply and I am gone. But I stay in your sub-conscience, waiting for the next time you return to me, crawling on your hands and knees, begging for my help.
How could you leave me behind so easily? All I ever wanted was to make you beautiful.
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One of the stranger things I have written. Yes, this was about bulimia, not exactly original but I was inspired after watching a couple of videos on YouTube about eating disorders. The narrator was Bella kind of talking to herself she literally was semi-insane. Hope you enjoyed! I am also working on the next How I Found Love chapter, I hope to have it out real soon! Please send me your thoughts!