Jack,
I don't know if you'll ever get this, but I think that when you return I will be gone. This planet holds so many memories for you, so much pain, and I think I finally understand what you meant when you told me it was too small. I'm dying Jack, and you know what? I'm not scared. I have two children, both boys, I named them after you and Ianto, and they are beautiful. I have a wonderful husband who loves me more than you ever could, I am happy. I still love you, even after all these years, and I think you always knew, but I'm beginning to see why you never tried to love me back.
Because it hurts doesn't it Jack? Sometimes looking back, seeing what you've done, what you've lost – it hurts. Seeing the bodies of all the people you've ever loved spread out behind you, a reminder of that loss, it's hard. You know this better than anyone. Sometimes being brave, it's not about guns and fighting, it's about facing the memories, facing the past. And I know that it's so much easier to be a coward.
But I also know this: you can't run forever. Because no matter how many galaxies you cross, no matter how many stars you see, you won't forget them. Every night, when you lie alone in the darkness, you'll see them, see their faces. You can turn away, you can bury your head in the pillow and try to block them out, but it won't stop the pain. Because that pain is part of you, it doesn't belong to a time or a place, it belongs to you, and you need to accept that.
Accept the pain, the fear, the guilt. Accept the death, and then move on. Remember all the joy, the warmth, the laughter. Remember the love. Do this and you'll find that one day you'll be able to look back and there won't be any pain.
And I am sorry, I am so, so sorry that it hurts you. And I wish I could make it stop, but it's your burden to bear, and you – Jack Harkness – are no coward. I have seen you face down monsters without a blink of the eye, I have seen you die – countless times- and never complain, and I have seen you hurt so badly you could barely move – you are not weak. But I have also seen you run, all your life you have been running. Always looking forwards, never daring to glance back, to see what's past. It's time to stop. Turn around, face the past with all its pain, and learn to see above it.
Be brave.
I love you,
Gwen