Your name is Jade Harley, and this is the first time in your whole life that you're seeing John Egbert in person!
"My very own brother, all for me," you say thoughtfully, looking over at him slouching next to you on the sofa. He laughs and shakes his head, grinning.
"You're my very own sister, then!" he says, sitting up, and then he reaches over to lightly bop your nose. "Never had one of those before."
This is exciting, really. Here you are with a nice big ship, hurtling through space, and you have five whole planets to explore if you ever get bored, including one with your old house on it, and even though you've mostly lost Bec—mostly, you think, the white fluffy ears atop your head flicking slightly—you've fully gained John. You don't think you will ever be lonely again!
"And I've never had a brother!" you laugh and ruffle his hair. "So it all works out. We'll both be figuring this out as we go along!"
"I think," John says, "that a thing every sibling pair should do, at some point in their lives, is watch Con Air together."
Of course he would suggest that. Of course.
But it isn't like you mind!
"Do you even have a copy of it? Or are we going to have to alchemize it?" you ask instead of questioning the wisdom of this movie, like Dave would have, or shaking your head with a long-suffering sigh, like Rose might have. Aw... now that you're thinking about them, you sure are going to miss them...
But John pulls you out of those thoughts easily enough. "Of course I have a copy!" he says, as if the very thought of the situation being otherwise is frankly offensive. "What kind of Nic Cage fan do you think I am, anyway?"
"I don't know," you shrug innocently, pulling your best puppy eyes—and you did learn from the best, too. Becquerel had this trick mastered. "I grew up away from all that, on a kind of isolated Pacific island, remember?"
He shakes his head, but he's grinning and it's lighting up his whole face, especially his electric-blue eyes. You look at him fondly and wonder how things might have been if you'd grown up together. You've been physically in the same place as him for all of a few hours and you already know you love him to pieces, and you can't help but think that this is what you've been missing all your life. You loved Bec tremendously, but he couldn't really compare to human company, not in all the ways that you wish you'd had. He never talked back, for one thing. And he never insisted on stupidly endearing things like watching terrible movies together. Things would have been nice, if you grew up with John, you think. You wouldn't have been so awfully lonely all your life.
No, stop that. You aren't lonely now, and you should stop dwelling on the past!
"Okay, fine," John says, retrieving a disk from his sylladex. He opens the case and pulls out the DVD, spinning it on a waft of air from his fingertips, and you giggle as you watch, almost spellbound. You could easily do that, too, hovering it with Spacey powers, but something about the way he does it with wind makes you smile. Maybe it's the way that the air has to balance it out just so to keep it from falling, and you think the physics of that equilibrium is delightful? Or maybe it's just that the light breeze reminds you of the sea. You miss the sea. "You're forgiven, but only if we're watching this right now."
"Well, when else would we be watching it?" you ask as though the idea of doing it any other time is totally preposterous. Your brother—your brother, those words still send a little zing of joy down your spine—grins approvingly and then floats the disk over towards the DVD player. He then miscalculates how much force he needs to use to get it into the slot and slings it into the wall, and you burst into laughter.
"God dammit," he mutters, starting to get up to retrieve it. You ruffle his hair as you zoom to your feet, already halfway across the room and picking up the disk, placing it properly in the DVD player. "Thanks, Jade!"
"You're welcome," you giggle, settling back down. This time, you lightly lay your hand over his, sending him a soft smile as the opening titles begin to roll on the screen in front of you, and you can't help but feel oh so very happy indeed when his hand shifts, twining his fingers with yours, and he smiles back.
GG: day two (because i dont know how to keep track of time here oooops)
GG: dear diary!
GG: im so so so happy i cant even find the words to say it! i still cant believe how nice it is to have people around.
GG: john and davesprite and nannasprite (and even jaspers! i love him but i cant stand him and its sad) are all amazing!
GG: i feel so loved when theyre around c:
GG: it makes me miss grandpa and bec but i think right now im way happier than i ever was back on the island
GG: except for when i was reaaaally little i guess? but i don't really remember that anyway :/
GG: i miss dave and rose though
GG: especially because the last time i saw either of them wasnt that great...
GG: but i know theyre ok and thats gonna have to be enough for now
GG: and i think it is! because if it wasnt i couldnt possibly be this happyyyyy :D
GG: anyway i think nanna just made some more cake and its so good! im gonna go get some before davesprite!
GG: ill write more later!
You're coming back inside from a walk along the deck, looking out into the green weirdness zooming past all around, when you hear a soft, choked gasp. It's John, and somehow, you think you know exactly what is going on.
When you gently push open the door and enter his room, you see him sitting on the plushy carpet, all curled up with his knees tucked to his chest and his glasses on the floor and a picture of his father lying next to him. His head is buried in his hands. He's shaking with the force of his sobs, but when you approach he looks up—his face is red and tear-stained and miserable and you want to drop to your knees and fling your arms around him immediately—and shakes his head like he doesn't want you there.
"N—no, you don't have to worry about me," he forces out, barely coherent. You drop to your knees and fling your arms around him anyway. "Jade, no," he protests, but it isn't much of a protest because he's leaning against you and even though he doesn't hold you back, something about the way he buries his face in your shirt seems reminiscent of desperation.
"I do have to worry about you," you tell him, hugging him tight. "It's what sisters do, isn't it?"
He doesn't reply. You don't blame him.
One time, when you were young, you had a little bracelet. Grandpa gave it to you, when you were little enough not to remember anything but a warm hazy blur of love and contentment that you barely recall but always want to return to. You loved that bracelet, wore it everywhere. And then Grandpa died, but you kept things together. You didn't freak out too much, you didn't fall apart.
And then one day, while you were running around and climbing on the volcano and playing on the cliffs by the sea, you tripped and fell. You hit your hand on a rock, the clasp on your bracelet broke, and the actual band went flying off your wrist over the edge of the mountain and into the ocean, far, far below.
That broke the dam for you. That bracelet had been the something you had left of Grandpa, something you had thought you would always have, something that wouldn't leave you like he had. It was something that had kept a little piece of him with you, even though he was gone. And you had screamed and cried and bawled, and Bec had come running like a demon was after him, all concern and worry and love.
The way John's sobbing and burying his face in your shoulder reminds you of the way you'd cried, all those years ago. It's the way a mourner cries, letting go of deep, heart-wrenching sorrow that comes from the core.
You hold him until the tears dry, an hour or two later, and then you hold him even tighter when he nearly starts crying when you suggest maybe watching Con Air again. And you don't let go of his hand all day, until Nannasprite takes over for you, mothering him and hugging him as tightly as she can while you step back and Dave discreetly slides his warm hand into yours and doesn't let go.
GG: daaayyyy... oh shoot what is today? i think its day 71!
GG: ive been thinking a bit lately
GG: i mean im still really happy overall but i guess im just also a bit more pensive
GG: i know john is too, and so is dave
GG: davesprite i mean
GG: no actually i mean dave? i think so? yeah im gonna call him dave, theres no point calling him davesprite! were all together for three years!
GG: but yeah... were all a bit less super excited recently i guess
GG: maybe its what being here like this does to kids?
GG: im a little homesick to be honest. i miss the waves and the sun and the sand and the stars at night
GG: and i miss bec
GG: i miss rose
GG: and i miss a lot of other things too i guess
GG: i dont know :/
GG: there is no going back now anyway!
GG: so i will go find john and dave and nanna and we will make the best of it!
"Jade?"
You look up. John comes and sits down next to you, legs dangling off the edge of the upper deck. Below you the lower deck glimmers in the cool green light, and more little squares and bits of light fly past at a breakneck speed. You know it to be only a little less than the speed of light, and you also know that your mass and that of the whole ship and everyone on it is conflated proportionally, but you don't feel it. Science is amazing.
"Hi," you say tonelessly. Science is amazing, but it isn't what's on your mind right now.
"What's wrong?" he asks bluntly, looking at you with concern. "Are you okay?"
"I miss my grandfather," you say quietly, fiddling with the hem of your skirt. That's the truth, but it just isn't the whole truth. You're reevaluating the fact that Jake Harley didn't actually commit suicide, which is a fact you found out over two months ago but is not one that you have come to terms with or really thought much about at all.
"I miss my dad," he sighs, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. Unlike usually, though, you don't lean into his touch.
"It's not the same," you shake your head, not willing to shove him off or warp away or anything rude, but also wishing that he'd just leave you to your pensive melancholy for a little while. You don't want to have to explain this, because he'll probably think you're horrible and hate you, but if he asks you won't lie. You can't lie to your brother, you're a terrible liar and you hate doing it anyway!
"Why not?" he asks, not offended in the slightest. You guess you should give him credit for that.
"I killed my grandpa," you blurt out, choking on your words a millionth of a second too late because what can you do, they've already been said. Wide-eyed and horrorstruck you stare at John, waiting for his reaction.
"My dad's dead because of me," he says calmly, or as calmly as he can under these circumstances. "If any of this is anyone's fault, I'd say it's—"
"Not yours," you cut him off, strangely upset. No, wait, it isn't strange, because he should never in a million years blame himself for this. "It was going to happen no matter what! I was awake on Prospit for so long, remember? I couldn't have done that if we didn't play the game, because then... Prospit wouldn't have existed, right?"
He falls silent for a second. "Yeah, I guess. But by that same logic, it's not your fault about your grandpa—"
"Yes it is," you contradict again, feeling a little guilty because you keep interrupting him. "I was actually the one who pulled the trigger. He didn't—it wasn't suicide, I thought it was all the time but it wasn't! It was me, I was playing with a gun but it was loaded and I would have shot myself but Tavros made Bec change it so that I shot him instead, but honestly I think that's kind of worse!"
It's the same thing that happened to Dave. The same thing, the same thing! You tried to save him by shooting at Bec Noir when he was open to attack because of dodging from Dave, but no, no, no he turned that against you and there was so much blood, so much blood—
"Jade?" John interrupts your rather unpleasant reverie, his voice gentle and his touch gentler as he wipes a tear from your cheek. "C'mere..."
He pulls you into a hug, and you're more than a little surprised that he doesn't hate you or think you're disgusting or horrible, but you aren't going to question it because you've been too lonely all your life and you will never ever push John away.
"It wasn't your fault either," he murmurs into your hair. "I don't think it was anyone's fault. Other than the asshole who set this all up to begin with, I guess. But that's beside the point. You didn't do anything wrong—jeez, Jade, you were a baby! Babies are weird little noisy potato sacks with no brains, you can't blame a baby for stuff!—and it's really sad that that happened and I kind of wish you'd told me sooner, but... I'm glad you told me at all."
"Potato sacks," you repeat, a little smile curving your lips despite your sorrowful feelings. He's warm and very huggable. And he shows no signs of letting go, which is also nice. "Never heard that one before."
"Well yeah," he says as though it should be obvious. "Of course not! You grew up on some isolated island."
"I miss it," you sigh a little sadly. "It was nice, out on my isolated island. I used to go stargazing out there, sometimes. I miss it."
"Yeah," he agrees. "I guess we could go to Lofaf and see your house, but it isn't the same, is it?"
"No," you shake your head. "No, not really."
GG: day 82! whee, we sure are zooming along! only like ... 1013 more days to go!
GG: wow that sure is disheartening.
GG: anyway!
GG: john and i are thinking about exploring some of the planets today :D dave said he might come later but were going soon!
GG: dave and nanna want to chill and have some sprite bro time, in his words. whatever that even means right!
GG: im feeling a lot better these days to be honest c:
GG: its nice having a family
GG: i wish id had one all along but regardless, im really really happy i have them now.
"Ready?" you ask John, unable to stop the antsy bouncing on your feet that you've got going on. It's just a ... a thing you do, whenever you're anticipating something and you're all excited about it! Like now. You and John are going to Lowas because he says he wants to show you something special, but he won't tell you what. You're really curious! You've only been to Lowas once, too, because the two of you have spent most of your time on Lofaf so far. This should be fun!
"Yeah, yeah, okay!" John laughs. "Coming, jeez!"
Nanna ruffles his hair, and he ducks his head, grinning as he dodges away. "Now you two have fun," she says, smiling broadly. "I packed some cookies for you, too!"
"Cookies?" you perk up even more. "Thanks, Nanna! Your cookies are amazing!" They are, too. And the chocolate content is low enough that eating a lot of them doesn't make your doggy side feel sick. That happens sometimes if you eat a ton of devil's food cake or something, but to be honest Nanna's cake is totally worth it and you have no regrets.
She laughs. "Thank you, dear! And don't take too terribly long, hm? You never know what you might run into on those planets, after all, and it would do my old heart good to know you're safe!"
With those kind of ominous words she laughs and drifts from the room. You and John exchange slightly dubious glances, then John shrugs.
"Okay... shes probably just trying to freak us out. Whatever," he says. "Let's go!"
A whoop of joy escapes you as you clap your hands in delight, and then you grab John's hand and excitedly close your eyes and imagine the interior of his house and the dimensions of it and its placement on that spire on the planet floating in your hands, and then you dematerialize yourself and your brother into a flash of green light that reassembles into the two of you, standing in his living room. It looks just about the same as you remember it being in pictures and things, albeit a little messier and stained with oil for whatever reason. Probably Lowas shenanigans.
"Now close your eyes," John instructs, grabbing a piece of cloth and folding it into a long rectangle. "This is a surprise!"
"What? But how—" you start to protest, but he's already nabbed your glasses and is currently tying the band across your eyes. As a thing that blocks your vision, it serves its purpose well, and you are totally blind. "John?"
"Right here!" he answers, just behind you. You turn around so you can face the sound of his voice.
"Didn't you say we were going out? What happened to exploring? How am I supposed to walk around? I can't see!" you exclaim. How exactly is this supposed to work? You wanted to go explore Lowas, but your ability to explore is kind of limited if your eyes are covered!
"Whoa, chill!" John protests, and you slow your barrage of questions, mostly because even though you are super confused, you have some faith in his planning. "Jeez, trust me just a little, Jade! We are going out, we'll explore in a little while, and you aren't walking."
Not walking? "What—!" you try to ask, but John scoops you off the ground and the wind picks up, and you're pretty sure he's just zoomed out the door and you're hovering out in open air. Normally, you wouldn't mind this so much because you can float and fly and stuff, but when you can't see, it's a little bit terrifying. You cling to your brother, ignoring his protests that you can relax, he's not going to drop you, because you know that but you still don't like flying around blind.
"Where are we going?" you call over the rush of the wind in your ears.
John laughs in response. "If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, Jade!"
You ... oh fine, you can't argue with that. And you are a little excited to find out what this surprise he's prepared for you is, but as a surprise like he's planned it, not by finding out beforehand. As exasperating as waiting can be, you don't like your surprises being ruined! He sure seems pleased with whatever it is, too. You can't wait!
"Will it take long to get there?" you ask instead.
"Not too long!" he replies cheerily. "We're almost there!"
A few minutes later, when the two of you are laughing about terrible science puns, John alights on ... the ground, you guess, and then puts you down on your feet.
"Stay here, and don't take it off yet," he instructs. "I have to fix something up first."
Obediently but a bit impatiently, you wait, sitting down on the rocky ground and toying with some pebbles. They feel like normal pebbles, and since you can't see them, if you didn't know you weren't on Earth, you would never guess they're blue. You hear John moving around and doing something—that sounds kind of like cloth snapping in the wind?—as you tap your fingers against the stones, waiting and waiting.
Footsteps approach and then John takes your hand, guiding you to your feet and then over to where he had been puttering around. "Shoes off," he says. More confused than ever you step out of your red slippers and onto... is this a blanket? This is a blanket. John leads you to a spot on it and then gently pushes you down, having you lie on your back—there's a pillow beneath your head—and then he finally unties the blindfold, putting your glasses in your hand. You slide them on and blink as he moves away, and then you look straight up.
You gasp.
The first thing you see is stars, stars like they used to glimmer above your island at night when the waves calmly washed at the shore. Sure, they aren't in the same places, but there they are, shining little silvery specks in the darkness up there.
"I know, I know, they're not actually stars, they're fireflies, but I thought it looked close enough," John says sheepishly, lying down next to you. His hands are behind his head and he looks casual, at ease, and totally at home out here on this big tall blue plateau, under the cloudy sky. "Do you... like it?"
You roll over and give him a hug. "I love this!"
He grins and hugs you back. "I'm glad! You just seemed sad earlier, so I thought you might want to go stargazing. Or, uh... fireflygazing, I guess. But that doesn't really have the same ring to it. Anyway, I'm glad it's making you happy!"
"Of course it makes me happy," you grin, looking back up into the sky. Up here, on this tall thing, it's like there's just the stars—fireflies—up above and John next to you and ground a little bit that drops away into a sea of more stars. It's beautiful. "Hey look, that looks a little like Canis Minor!" you laugh, nudging John's side.
He looks a little sheepish. "I, uh... don't remember what that one looks like."
"Oh, darn it John!" you laugh, smacking your forehead. "I was joking. Canis Minor actually is just two stars. A line. Someone was like 'you know what that line looks like? A small dog'. So we have that!"
"Oh," John says. "Wow. Okay then. Look, there's like five hundred Canis Minors up there! Small dogs everywhere!"
You burst into laughter at the idea. "No Canis Majors?"
"Nah," he shakes his head. "You know what we should do?"
"Mm?" you hum, your gaze drifting back up into the sky.
"We should make up new constellations for Lowas!" he says, pointing up into the sky. You follow his finger as best as you can, scooting over to lay your head on his shoulder to get the least amount of parallax distorting whatever he's trying to show you. And also because you like physical contact, considering how little of it you had until now! "That one right there, I think it looks like, uh... an amoeba."
A giggle escapes you. "An amoeba? I guess... yeah, I can see it! A big blob in the sky!"
"You name one!" he suggests. You ponder this for a few moments, looking around at the patterns in the little pinpricks of light... oh, there's one.
"There," you point. "See that cluster shape? That's ... hmm. That's Bec!"
"Becquerel in the sky with fireflies," he jokes, and you start to wonder if you're ever going to stop smiling.
GG: day 94 :D
GG: this week was amaaaaazing!
GG: john and i went stargazing on lowas almost every day and nanna made us cookies too
GG: and dave joined us sometimes when he wasnt making some new music
GG: which he wont let me listen to! he keeps saying its a surprise and i just have to wait
GG: (what is it with these boys and surprises! i need to get with nanna and surprise THEM!)
GG: i think i could get used to living on a ship with these guys
GG: i never knew how much fun it is to have a real family!
GG: i love them all sooo much :D
"John!" you call, looking around. "Where did you go?"
Next to you, Dave flutters his wings and shrugs. "He probably went off flying around with his head in the clouds. Seems to do that a lot, you know?"
"Yes," you agree, scanning the skies and shading your eyes with one hand. Phew, it sure is bright here! Then again, you really should expect that from a place called the Land of Light and Rain. "Smart of you to have those shades, Dave!"
He preens just a little, the ambient light shining off of those reflective shades. "Yeah, they're pretty handy."
"And they look nice, too!" you add, watching because you love the way he smiles just so slightly whenever someone tells him anything nice. Did no one ever compliment him when he was little? You guess not, because the first time you told him something so simple as "you're a good friend", he blushed brighter than ripe mangoes. Oh well, you still have like two and a half years! You're going to get his self-esteem up if you don't accomplish anything else.
"I know they do," he says, all false bravado that he still pretends you can't see through. You raise an eyebrow at him, and he shrugs slightly, giving you a faint smile. "But thanks, Jade."
Before you can reply, there's a shout. "Hey!"
"John?" you call, seeing a familiar head of messy dark hair appear over the top of a sand dune. "What are you doing over there?"
"You guys are totally missing out!" he calls. "There's this little lagoon over on this side, and I'm making a sand castle! Get over here!"
Suffice it to say that a combination of wind and size-altering powers makes the best sand castle ever, of all time. It's huge—big enough for you to walk into and head up the stairs and everything—and you dig a little trench connecting the ocean to your moat. There's a lot of splashing and sand and laughter, and Dave tosses a handful of wet sand at you and it gets everywhere in your hair, so you tackle him into the dry sand behind him and it gets all over both of you because you're both soaked, and so you wrestle in the sand and shriek and caw at each other. John blows more sand at you and laughs.
It ends up being a little wet and very messy, but it is so definitely worth it.
GG: dayyyy one hundred and thirty two!
GG: things are going well! and theres only 99 days until my birthday too :D
GG: i wonder what were gonna do for that, because daves birthday is two days after mine :o
GG: we should throw a big double party for both of us! we can do it on the 2nd too so that it fits perfectly!
GG: gosh i wonder what presents i should alchemize him...
GG: im getting really excited and its still like three months away!
GG: oh well being excited is fun. way better than being sad!
"Hi, Jade!" John greets you, ruffling your hair as he walks into the big golden sitting room where you're curled up on the couch, flipping through some papers Nanna gave you. "What're you doing today?"
"Nanna's going to teach me to make some kind of layered pasta ... thing," you wrinkle your nose, laughing. John plops down next to you on the edge of the sofa, peering over at the recipe card in your hands. There are an awful lot of ingredients...
"Uh, right. You have fun with that," he says, his lips twitching, and you laugh and lightly elbow his side. He catches your arm and nudges you back, and you give him a warning look before he even thinks about tickling you. "So I guess you don't want to come to Lowas today? Me 'n Dave were thinking of going and exploring a little. There's still an awful lot of stuff I haven't even seen yet!"
"Hm..." It's tempting, but you also want to spend some time with Nanna—you've been going around with Dave and John a lot, not really staying on the ship with her. And besides, maybe learning to cook without a cookalizer could be fun! You always like learning new stuff, right? "I might join you later," you decide. "I'm gonna cook and have tea with Nanna first. Sure you don't wanna stay?"
He laughs and shakes his head. "No way! Cooking is okay, but I would way rather go flying around and look at cool stuff and maybe buy some salamanders new hats. They get really happy when they have hats, did you know?"
"Yeah!" you say excitedly. "You told me about that time one told you about his ancestors and stuff and renamed himself Crumplehat, right?"
"Yup, that's the one!" he grins, adjusting his glasses. "Well, I'm gonna go find Dave. You mind shrinking us down to planet size?"
"'Course not!" you beam. Just then, the door opens and Dave caws his way into the room, a flurry of bedhead and feathers and slightly askew shades. You and John blink.
"Uh, hey," John says. "I thought you were still asleep! You sure are up early for you!"
"Trust me," the sprite says, "I'd totally rather be in bed. But I wasn't sure if you guys wanted to do that whole cooltastic adventure shit or whatever, and I know you're morning people as hell, so I figured if I didn't get up at least a little early, y'all'd've just left me."
"Well, I'm staying back, for a bit at least," you tell him, hopping up and crossing the room to smooth some of his hair down. It's unruly and messy kind of like yours, and its texture is really wispy and a little bit like feathers, but at least it stops being all over the place when you run your hands through it. Dave is blushing mango-golden when you step away, but you just laugh that off and kiss his cheek affectionately before you return to the couch, taking John's hand and playing with his fingers idly. He looks at you with fond exasperation but doesn't say anything, letting you do as you please. "Nanna and I are having a girls' day or something!"
"... Uh, right. Okay then," Dave says—is that a note of slight disappointment in his voice? You are pretty sure you hear it, though you can't fathom why. "So, John, are we leaving now?"
John shrugs. "If you want, bro. Or you can get breakfast first. Whatever."
"I don't usually eat breakfast," Dave says. "We can go, I guess."
"Have fun! I might come find you later," you tell them as John gets up, letting go of your hand. You like sitting hand-in-hand, but you suppose you'll live without him for a few hours, haha! The three of you can watch some movies tonight. Well, re-watch some movies. Yeah.
"See you!" John grins brightly. Dave raises a hand and waves, the quintessential cool bird kid move. Then you send them both to the little blue planet floating nearby, without a second thought.
This recipe doesn't look too complicated! You think you can do it. Time to find Nanna!
Hours later, when you come back into the room to see if John and Dave want to eat lunch with you, you're just reaching for the planet when your idyllic illusion is shattered.
Lowas explodes.
GG: day 198
GG: im shaking oh my god
GG: oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god
GG: i dont—i dont know what to say i dont have the words for this
GG: i cant
GG: i cant i cant i cant
GG: this is a bad dream right?
GG: a bad bad horrible dream that im going to wake up from and theyll be okay and ill laugh at myself for being dumb
GG: right?
GG: i catn believe thia is hapening
GG: oh mg yod i cant type im crying
GG: i
GG: i cant do this
GG: i need them back i ned them bac i need them bkac
GG: no no no nono no noo
GG: no please
GG: this isnt right this isnt right i need theim
GG: please
GG: please
GG: please...
You cry into Nanna's shoulder every day for a month. It's funny—you thought you were acquainted with grief, could handle it. You had a hard childhood, had to do everything for yourself, had no one other than a dog to take care of you. You thought that was hard and challenging and difficult.
"But—but I never thought—it hurts," you sob, wiping ineffectively at your eyes and sniffling as Nanna rubs your back, her normally jocular expression rewritten with a soft, tender look that holds so much pain that you don't believe it. "It hurts so much."
It hurts even more to lose people after you've gained them than it does never to have them at all. That's what you've learned. Does that mean it's better never to get close to anyone?
"I know," Nanna soothes you, stroking her hand through your messy hair. "I know, darling. It hurts, and to be honest it never really stops hurting. We just... all there is to do is to pick up the pieces and try to move on."
"I want them back," you whimper plaintively, your voice cracking. "I need them back!"
"I wish I could bring them back," she murmurs, laying her cheek against your temple. You bury your face in her shoulder and squeeze your eyes shut, hot tears leaking down your cheeks. This huge ship and all these planets are too empty now, now that John and Dave are gone. It feels all wrong and you need them to come back.
Except that you know they won't.
It occurs to you that Nanna has lost her son already, and now she has lost her grandson. You're all she has left. You, the one who probably could have saved her grandson if you'd just been more observant or something, and who maybe could have saved her son too, who knows!
"I'm sorry," you whisper to her. "I'm so, so sorry."
"For what?" she asks, seeming completely surprised by your apology. "Did you do something, dear?"
"It's just—you've lost everyone else and now you're stuck with me," you explain, halting and stumbling and falling over your words. "And I'm sure I'm the one you would least want to be stuck with if you had the choice, so I'm sorry that I'm alive when John isn't—"
"Jade Harley!" she exclaims sternly. "I never want to hear you say such a thing about yourself ever again! I love you, and you are my granddaughter. Or daughter. Whatever, that ectobiology can get in the way all it likes, but it really isn't the point. We are family, and I love you as much as I love John or my son."
"Oh," you say. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," she says, kissing your hair. "Oh, child, please, don't be."
GG: i dont even know what day it is
GG: probably like 219
GG: it really was nice having a family
GG: too bad it didnt last
GG: nothing nice ever stays long does it
You are in your bedroom, changing the blanket on your bed because you want a warmer one for these cold lonely nights, when an orange feather flutters out of somewhere and lands on the sheets.
You pick it up as if it is something sacred, running your fingers almost reverently down the spine. This is probably here from the time a lifetime ago when you and Dave fell asleep together while mixing music on his laptop. You'd been sharing headphones and you woke up wrapped in wires, arms, and wings, the computer discarded on the side as he slept, holding you tight. You hadn't had the heart to wake him, and since he was so thoroughly wrapped around you, you'd just lain there and played with his hair and almost fallen asleep against him again. That had been a good night.
You press the feather to your lips, already feeling the familiar tears starting to spill over.
Nanna finds you like that, on your knees with a remnant of your dead friend clutched protectively in your hands as you sob uncontrollably. She says nothing, just shows you an oil-stained hat, and then she holds you close to her and cries with you.
GG: day 232
GG: this is the worst birthday ever
You're starting to wonder if you're ever going to be able to hear a reference to Con Air or Ghostbusters without bursting into tears. You're starting to think probably not.
"I want my brother back," you tell the Lowas star charts you and John made, lying side by side under the firefly-lit sky. "You took him from me."
But the amoeba doesn't answer.
"They didn't deserve it," you tell Nanna gloomily, picking at the cake in front of you. It's still delicious, but it doesn't seem as good as it did when John smashed a heavily frosted slice into Dave's face and then laughed at the amount of cream on his shades.
"They deserved a lot better than what they got, in many regards," she agrees, looking down and shaking her head softly. You can't help but wonder what she's thinking.
"I want them back," you say miserably, dropping your head into your hands. "I don't know what to do. I want them back."
"So do I," Nanna sighs. "So do I."
End.
AN: When things go downhill in my personal life, sad Jade fic happens. And I had an immense need for Prospit siblings, because John and Jade's relationship is just so. important.
If you're a follower of my usual work, it's coming along - very, very slowly. This week and the next are just not good as far as personal stuff goes, but hopefully after that I'll be able to update more frequently. Thank you all for being patient.
As always, feedback is very appreciated! Thanks for reading, and thanks for reviewing if you do so. c: