a/n: hello, i am back from the dead and i present you this piece of swanqueen trash featuring marijuana.
i have no idea what i am doing with this but do know there is another chapter after this one.
party on swen - E
(have tumblr? feel free to hit me up at evil-queen- aesthetic )
SQSQSQ
When Regina finds sixteen-year-old Henry's stash of weed, it goes surprisingly well. Almost too well and Henry has convinced himself that either he's got the coolest mom ever and/or he is now some kind of weed-handling Messiah. But the only reason it goes so well is because Regina, growing up in the Enchanted Forest, literally has no idea what weed actually is. So when Henry comes home from school, he immediately freezes when he sees a zip-lock sandwich bag filled with green on the kitchen bench. He tries to act cool and nonchalant but the bag sits there, staring at him with non-existent eyeballs, reminding him he's in deep shit.
"Afternoon my dear, how was school?" Regina asks happily as she waltzes in, flipping through the mail that she had collected from the letterbox. Henry squints at his mom and then down at the marijuana,
"Uh good I guess… look mom, I can explain…"
Regina stares at her son in confusion, "what have you done wrong Henry?"
Henry's eyebrows almost brush his hairline as he motions to the sandwich bag on the bench between them. Regina laughs,
"Oh yes, I was going to ask you about that; Henry why do you have oregano in your room?"
Henry almost has a heart attack. She didn't know… Regina, the most feared Fairy Tale character man had ever created, didn't know. Bless.
Just as he opens his mouth to answer, there's a knock on the door and Henry already knows it's going to be Emma because coincidental timings are the woman's middle name and then he's definitely going to be in big, big trouble. Regina throws the opened letters onto the kitchen bench, nervously tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and struts over to the front door to answer it. In the seven seconds it takes her to walk there in her heels, Henry grabs the weed and jams it into the pocket of his school trousers.
"Good afternoon Ms Swan, what can I do for you?"
Henry doesn't stick around for Emma because he knows that woman has a nose of a bloodhound and he needs to get the goods out, ASAP.
"Too cool to hug your mom now, hey kid?" Emma quips as Henry takes the stairs two steps at a time,
"I'll be back down in a sec, just got to put my bag away," Henry breathes as he reaches the second floor. He hears his moms chatting more and as he opens his cupboard to shove the weed into the back of an old clock he keeps stored in there when Emma shouts,
"Henry Daniel Mills! Get your arse down here, NOW!"
"Shit,"
Regina's confused. She thinks it's only oregano but apparently street-savvy Emma knows different. Henry descends the stairs with his tail between his legs and it takes every ounce of Regina's strength to not chastise Emma and coddle Henry.
"So, mom tells me she found oregano in your room," Emma's not visibly angry but Henry knows his mom well enough that when she raises her chin and crosses her arms, shit was going to go down.
"I'm… uh, a spice enthusiast,"
Emma fights a smile, "is that so?"
"Yes?"
Regina lays her hand on Emma's shoulder and the blonde relaxes, "see? I told you dear, it's just oregano,"
Emma eyes Henry up and down, "can I see this oregano?"
Henry heads back up to his room to get it as Emma and Regina bicker. He hands the bag to Emma and she opens the bag and stick her nose it in.
"Damn son," Emma reels back and looks at Henry in shock, "that's definitely not oregano,"
"Let me…" Regina grabs Emma's wrist and uses it to steer the bag up to her nose, "what the… what is that?"
Emma does a double take at Regina, "you… you don't know what this is?"
"What is it?" Regina sniffs it again and ponders at the smell, "because you're correct in saying that's not oregano,"
Emma once again fights back a smile, "you're a cheeky shit; bringing this stuff into a house with someone who doesn't know what it is,"
Regina huffs, "can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?"
"It's marijuana,"
"And what the hell is a marijuana?"
Henry and Emma exchange looks, "I'll explain later but it's very, very bad and I think Henry should definitely get grounded for it,"
Emma and Regina agree on a punishment and Henry is sent to his room for the rest of the evening.
That night, Emma stays a little later than usual to explain to oblivious Regina what weed is and frankly, Regina's appalled at her lack of knowledge on this realm's plethora of recreational drugs. The next morning, Regina heads to Granny's for early morning coffee. Ordering a blueberry muffin to go with her soy cappuccino, Regina flags down Ruby for a chat. The waitress is dressed in her usual sleazy attire and is shocked when the usually distant ex-mayor of Story Brooke asks for her opinion.
"Have you heard of… marinara?" Regina whispers as Ruby slides the woman her coffee.
"Uh, yeah? Granny uses it for her pasta and schnitzels and stuff, why do you ask?"
Regina's eyes widen dramatically, "Eugenia drugs us all?" she seethes. A light bulb goes off in Ruby's head,
"Oh! You mean marijuana!" Ruby smiles joyfully as she whizzes off to top up people's coffee with the refill jug, "yeah man, that stuff's the shit; love it,"
Regina sighs as Ruby takes off her apron, "what… what is it like?"
"Hmm," Ruby taps her bottom lip, "do you remember back in the Enchanted Forest, that stuff called Beetle Bum Juice?"
"Beetle Bum Juice?" Regina is surprised when the waitress mentions the black goo that was harvested from the common house bug that basically looked like a shiny silver bullet with legs.
"Remember when you went all Evil Queen on our arses and was like 'Argh, Regina angry, Regina declares Bullet Beetles to be a national threat, argh!"
Regina smiles softly at the memory as she takes a sip from her coffee, "ah yes, yes I do,"
"Do you know why you declared that one single species of bug to be a threat?"
"People were smoking the Beetle Bum Juice instead of using it for medicinal uses,"
Ruby winks at Regina and does a little finger gun, "Correct-A-Mondo; marijuana is this realm's version of Beetle Bum Juice, but better," Regina contemplates this while Ruby slices up Granny's freshest batch of egg and bacon quiche, "you know, I have some on me if you want to buy some,"
"Beetle Bum Juice?"
"God no; those poor bugs never made it over when the curse hit. No, I mean… weed,"
"No, no, I'm good. I already have some in my possession," Regina takes another cautious sip of her hot coffee as Ruby processes what the ex-mayor just said.
"You… you, Regina Mills, have weed?"
"Surprised?"
"Very," Ruby shrugs, "I wondered when Emma would turn you over to the dark side,"
Regina chokes on her coffee, "w-what?"
"Come off it Mills, Emma is a pro with the brownies," the waitress winks as Regina sips on some water,
"Brownies? What does baking have to do with any of this?" Regina croaks,
Ruby sighs sympathetically, "oh boy, you really are not from this world aren't you?"
"Neither are you!" Regina protested,
"Yeah, but I'm hip and with it, you aren't," Ruby smirked. Regina grunts,
"I can be hip and with it, you just watch me! How do you make these special brownies?"
Ruby raises a single eyebrow at the woman who just angrily downed the last of her coffee, "you sure?"
"Damn right I'm sure! Give me the recipe," Regina huffed. Ruby looks over her shoulder and squats down underneath the counter. She comes back up holding a tattered cookbook. Flipping to the back of it, Ruby peels off an old Post It note and hands it to Regina,
"Best recipe in all of Story Brooke. Now, is your weed still in buds or ground up?"
Regina reads over the recipe; she definitely has all those ingredients at home, "is my weed what?"
Ruby sighs, "does it look like little retarded Christmas trees or is it all fine and powdery?"
"It's powdery," Regina confirms as she slips the recipe into her jacket,
"Great, just follow that recipe and let me know how it goes," Ruby smiles once more before being called over by Granny.
Regina spends the rest of the morning following Ruby's recipe. She eyes off the bag of weed she confiscated, takes a deep breath and dumps the lot into the thick chocolatey goodness that is the uncooked brownie mix. Regina could be cool, Regina could be hip and fuck Emma for not telling her she was the brownie queen. Regina was the queen of everything including, as she stirred the mixture fiercely, pot brownies. She puts the brownie mix into the oven and sets the timer. After Regina wipes her hands on a tea towel, she texts Ruby of her success and waits patiently for the best brownies in existence to cook.
After a long day of doing nothing at the station, Emma drives back to the loft she shares with Snow and Charming. She plans on spending the evening watching Star Wars because Emma may or may not have a weird crush on young Carrie Fisher. And plus Snow had every single movie because when the curse broke, the primary school teacher was determined to convince Regina that if they could portal jump to America, they could totally portal jump to Naboo. Finishing up 'A New Hope', Snow totters in possibly drunk, or just really happy, Emma doesn't know these days. Snow's gone food shopping and she stacks the tins in the pantry and the colds in the fridge when Emma's phone goes off. Snow eyes the vibrating cracked iPhone on the wooden bench and smiles, "It's Regina,"
Emma practically hurdles over the back of the grey threadbare couch and snatches up the device with feverish joy. Snow acts like she didn't notice it and turns back to the fridge, biting her lip.
"Hey," Emma clears her throat and sits down on the back of the couch,
"Ma, it's me,"
"Oh, hey kid," Emma frowned and remembered that Regina had confiscated his phone as one of the many punishments he received for having weed on him, "what's up?"
"It's um… Ma, something's wrong,"
Emma sits up straight, "what? What happened?"
Snow gives her daughter a troubled look as she overhears the concern in Emma's voice. There's a loud crash on Henry's end and Emma immediately fetches her car keys from the fruit bowl.
"She's high,"
Emma does a double-take, "she's what?"
"Emma, she's high a kite," Henry pleads, "I don't really know what to do,"
Emma hears another crash and loud rambunctious laughter that was definitely coming from Regina. Emma can't help it, she bursts out laughing, "oh my god, okay, okay. Walk me through what's happening right now,"
"She's um… destroying the couch, I think? There are pillows everywhere and…"
"Okay," Emma shoos Snow away and racks her brain for ways to help, "how… how did she get it?"
"There's a batch of brownies in the kitchen and two are gone,"
Emma has to bite her fist to stop the onslaught of swear words that wanted to spill from her lips, "Shit, shit, okay," she takes a deep breath and puts the phone to her shoulder,
"I'm heading out Snow, don't wait up for me," she slips on a pair of sneakers and heads out the front door before Snow can ask what's happening.
The phone's on speaker and it the bug's centre console as Emma starts to drive, "okay can you try to get her up into her room please kid?"
"I can try, hold up, I think mom wants to speak to you,"
Before Emma can protest the phone goes quiet and then suddenly she can hear heavy breathing, "Aye Swan,"
It's Regina.
"Hello Regina, everything okay?" Emma pays more attention to the road then to the absolutely roasted woman on the other end of the phone. She turns left as Regina starts giggling,
"I am fantastic Ms Swan, but do you know what's fantastic-er?"
"No, what is?"
"Your boobs,"
Emma frowns at the comment, "thanks Regina, yours are pretty neat too I guess,"
"You guess?" Regina shrieks as Henry snickers on the other end, "I'll have you know my breasts are fabulous! I mean…"
There's a rustle and Henry takes the phone off of Regina, "oh my god, mom! Put them away, Jesus. Ma she's taken her shirt off… hurry up please,"
SQSQSQ
a/n: part II should be up rather soon