Yay, more Kaicil fics! Probably the last one I'll write in a long time now. Because it's hard to think of ship scenarios ;_; I get headaches. This ship should win the "hardest ship to think of scenarios with" award XD For a change, Kain The AngstMuffin will be the seme for now (surprisingly in his situation), but I guess I'll play around with the POVs..
Hmm...and to be honest, this one is very angsty. Probably the angstiest Kaicil I've written so far. In the future, I will definitely have a break with angstmuffins and angst. Whether it's fluff or kink next, I am definitely staying away from angst after this.
I'm starting to read present-tense fics recently...I'm so confused even now. Please ignore any tense mistakes ^_^
~Takes place either after the Giant of Babil part. Don't ask me where they are. They're in a bedroom. Just a bedroom. Umm, with a clean bed.
Ah yes, the title. Was playing badminton and it was so annoyingly windy, and I would go to some areas of the street where there were a lot of obstacles..and this title was born. :3
Shield Me From the Wind
A wish.
In Cecil's bright but jaded eyes, a silent wish was singing - bittersweet, tempting, but impossible. A fervent wish, an unstoppable flame.
It was a wish Kain would never grant, at least, not in his current state. Not without a clear, flawless conscience. The white-haired paladin was begging him to be what he can no longer be. Do what he can no longer do. Return to a past that is now universes away.
With a pure spirit holding nothing but benign wishes promising to forgive, he was breaking the dragoon, trying to put back the pieces that could never ever be put together again. Fingers interlacing with his cold, undeserving ones, honeyed with warmth from tender heaven, wasted compassion, for they could not be accepted. They linked with his own as if it could connect the both of them again. Kain would sigh to himself at this.
How many words, how many of them has Kain been bottling up inside him?
Whenever Kain spoke, a different, unfamiliar voice rang all throughout his ears, oppressive. A person Cecil didn't know. The rich blue faded to lifeless, bleak shades. The passion darkened to burden, the gaze of power weak. Gold had lost its luster, as if exposed to death to the sunlight.
It was Kain, but in that blank gaze, there was nothing like his best friend. Cold skin, focus nonexistent, thoughts faraway to a dark world. A nearly soulless body. The dragoon lived like a ghost.
Much too painful. Cecil couldn't stand it any longer. Screw what happened, he would make time's flow halt, even if it's just for a few minutes - or seconds.
Kain would reject.
Cecil disagreed, and insisted. The dragoon wasn't a ghost, wasn't just another statue for him to admire and look at. Blank stale-blue was staring right back, no reaction, but bursting with emotion. Shy, but intense. Dying to speak.
Screw what happened. He didn't care. Nothing could now be done.
"Let go," in Cecil's eyes, in his lips, in his fingers that sought out the dragoon's algid ones, the plea was persistent.
Kain's own eyes would answer, countered that plea over and over again. "Start to care more about what actually happened."
The reply was disdainful to the paladin's ears.
"All that matters is that you're here right now, beside me. Here, with me."
"There's no guarantee that I would not leave you again. When will you ever understand that?"
The words fell on deaf ears, could not convince a heart so compassionate.
"Stepping out and bearing it alone will change nothing."
"I've betrayed you and pointed my own lance at your throat, not once, but twice. There's no reason a third, or fourth time won't follow."
"Thrice, seventy times, a hundred times, I will always forgive you."
"Cecil-"
"If you truly want forgiveness, then stay with us!"
"With that mercy and compassion of yours, how many times have you endangered yourself?"
"That's not the point."
"Spare no thoughts for traitors, Cecil. I am no exception."
"You are different. You're my friend!"
"Was your friend. I..am beyond forgiveness."
Tonight. Tonight would be the night Kain would say yes to him. Tonight would be the night Cecil will convince him to just...let go, even for just a short while. The nightmare was over. It was done. Nothing can be done now.
It was one of those moments when the argument's venom was whitening out, and Cecil's reasoning voice went quiet. Not because he no longer cared, but because silence was the deadliest scream. A scream Kain wouldn't be able to shut out, not even if he covered his ears.
They were leaning against the wall, shoulder-to-shoulder, but the distance was still wide. Kain was there, but at the same time, he wasn't.
For minutes, the tension was unbearable, the room worse than airless. Cecil's fingers twitched as he forced himself to swallow down painful, uncomfortable thoughts. His mouth opened, desperate to at least say something, anything, but he already lost count of how many times he stopped himself, how many times he had leashed the wave of words he wanted out. Kain hadn't let this go unnoticed, so he hesitantly, shyly squeezed the white-haired main's impatient hands. No warmth to melt the tension.
Realizing what he actually did, Kain jerked away, as if Cecil was flame.
Kain turned Cecil's arguments and reasonings and promises over and over in his head, venom and sweetness one. His brain could not overlook how the words, how the pleading became more beautiful - convincing - through Cecil's half-lowered eyelids. The tears that hadn't fallen, but was there, in some way, on the sculpted, pale face. The way Cecil's blue lips tightened whenever he was frustrated, confused, and tired.
The dragoon shrugged and turned away at a simple caress or unnatural motion. Wanting and not wanting, at the same time, to hold himself back, his brain was in shambles. This was driving him insane. Out in the sky, air, when he jumped - or in the battlefield alongside his comrades, he was powerful - he was free as the wind. Uncontrollable. But now, he could barely contain himself - his hands, his fingers, his whole body - was edgy as he tried to hold himself back. To dismiss, to forget, to pretend that the warmth in both Cecil's unconscious and conscious touches didn't exist. And that even if they were real, he would make no such response. He could not give in; he had no right to. He wanted to, but he didn't want to. The thought was wrong, but right.
Cecil watched as Kain looked up to the ceiling for answers, the latter not noticing. He had to make the man understand - acknowledge- the fact that he belonged beside him, with him, with all of them. The security, the completeness that Kain and only Kain could give - was now unfamiliar to Cecil's mind, but he felt that if he only reached out - reached out for it -
How he cursed those moments when he took Kain's presence for granted.
The silent, airless room was suddenly filled with the sound of turning, tossing, and shifting of the sheets. Cecil decided to lie where he was quietly, pretending not to notice the discomfort and anxiety of the man lying just next to him. To both of their surprise, Cecil felt powerful, familiar arms around him, from behind, since he was facing the opposite direction - a feeling he'd not felt in such a long time. A feeling he knew too well. A feeling he would never ever forget, not even after the countless battles and hardships and headaches and wounds. He couldn't swallow down a soft moan as memories linked with the reassuring, delightful sensation flooded to him.
The silver-white light streaming in from the window floodlit Kain's face, and as Cecil looked up to the grey-blue eyes in front of his own, he saw a plea. Vulnerability. Permission from the dragoon to see an honest, more human side of his feelings. All walls and barriers broken down.
Just for this night, please forget everything. Both men buried and answered those words with a kiss, in perfect sync, as if no distance or wall barred them from each other. Surprising them both. The nostalgic friction was heartwarming, reconnected them again. Kain's sudden change of heart, his sudden willingness, was unexpected, but Cecil appreciated it. Turning around to give the older man fuller access, Cecil took in the long-lost feeling, allowed his body to be acquainted with it again. Allowed himself to think that Kain would be there forever, that Kain would never leave his side ever again.
Kain was drowning in the guilt, but he couldn't stop himself. The comfort, the reunion - he needed it too much, he had missed Cecil and this too much. He couldn't find his breath as he focused on absorbing everything from the bittersweet contact, the touches that were already too foreign to him after all the tragedies, the betrayals, the pain, the torture. The paladin's name kept slipping out of his lips in a troubled whisper every now and then as he peppered the soft, pale skin with frantic kisses, as his calloused fingers traced and re-mapped the body. As if he was afraid Cecil would disappear if he didn't.
In the midst of the blissful moments that blurred together, heated and dreamy, both Cecil and Kain took alternating shallow and deep breaths, as if trying to break the mirages bordering dreams and reality. The older man's hands both intentionally and unintentionally wandered down to the paladin's trousers, the calloused fingers tapping and teasing the exposed hip area. Cecil let out a louder moan this time, and felt a smirk against his hip bone as the dragoon leaned down to place a soft, ghostlike kiss on it. Nostalgic shivers filling his body, Kain's name heatedly escaped the paladin's blue lips as the blonde kissed his aching erection.
The tenderness of recollection wrapped around both of them, the warmth inescapable. As more moments, touches, and heat passed, it became harder and harder for the two warriors to breathe. Somewhere in the midst of all this, Kain willed himself to forget how to hold back. The younger man felt his heart beat faster and stronger. As Kain was tasting Cecil's earlobe, the paladin couldn't resist calling his name again.
"I missed you."
Kain smiled at the words, and Cecil wasn't sure whether the other man was stung or elated.
"Then show me. Show me, Cecil. Let me know." His voice sounded foreign to his own ears, and Kain wasn't sure whether he was still in the place to say those words. Cecil merely smiled, the smooth curve on his lips beatific. In one fluid movement, the paladin switched their positions, and he felt his whole being glow. The slightly-wrinkled sheets were like velvet to Kain's back, and when he cracked his eyes open, Cecil had already shifted himself, so his lips were positioned next to the older man's stunning length. The sight alarmed the dragoon, but he saw no hesitation in the cornflower-blue eyes when he looked down, his own ones timorous. Heat between his legs swelled, both wistful and heartening.
Kain did not want to believe, didn't even want to entertain the pressing fear that all this was just a silly dream. Cecil gently parted his lips to take him in, as if welcoming him home, as if to kill the older man's doubt.
Something inside Kain protested - rained down razor-sharp curses at him, told him that this was wrong, this had to stop. Deep in his subconscious, a thought - nostalgia, memories - fought it, made him cry out the white-haired man's name as if to protect himself.
To Kain's dismay, Cecil's hands froze, but gently, so that the warmth would never fade. The stationary palms just lingered on the dragoon's hips where it was seconds before, ready to continue when the time was right. His blue lips gently slid out of Kain, to answer the dragoon with a call of his name. A muffled whisper, but still clear to Kain's ears. The blonde struggled to find words, and when he failed, Cecil called out his name again, firmer this time, as if to remind him what they're supposed to be doing, finishing. A curious, worried expression on the pretty face made Kain see new lines on it, lines he had never seen before. And for what seemed like the first time he saw a different man before him. It was him, but it was far from the dark knight that he knew and understood almost better than himself.
All that was restless and still doubting in Kain settled down, and he washed his face with a secure smile. This seemed to both startle and gratify the younger man, and with that reaction, Kain became braver. Tracing an experimental line down Cecil's spine, he smirked when the younger man sunk back to their previous position, slightly-ajar blue lips forced wider to take him in again.
More and more moments blurred together, more and more familiar, improved, and new sensations squeezing out to life just when it seemed neither of them could take any more. Kain was the one who broke the suffocating pattern, unwillingly sliding himself out of the blessed luxury, comforting himself with the thought that there will be more for the both of them if he did. Turning Cecil over so that the man was lying on his stomach, Kain pressed a storm of slow kisses down his lengthy spine. Underneath him, Cecil whimpered and squirmed in agony, both mind and body frenzied as he tried to control his craving for more. More of the friction, more of the healing, more of the attention. He tried to distract himself by focusing on Kain's ministrations, allowing every kiss and touch to be tattooed on his long spinal chord and the surrounding skin.
More.
Let's not rush. Let's make this last longer.
But..
Kain's hands ventured lower, used the battle-worn palms to bring Cecil's hips closer. The younger man turned his head to catch a kiss, their tongues connecting, the contact not only satisfying his tongue, but also lightening whatever remnants of burden was left in his heart. Cecil tried to find his breath, grasp and compose his own conscious movements - not the ones mixed in with Kain's. In the midst of the heat and touches he so longed for, and with temptations embracing him, hovering over him, whispering sweet promises to his ear, already one with his conscience, it was nearly impossible. Desperate, he thought of Kain, thought of how much he must have been wanting this too, thought that the dragoon must be eager for him, too. With that, he found the strength to let his tongue delve in deeper, to move stronger against Kain's. The heat climbed higher and higher as Kain's movements hastened, as he turned Cecil's whole body so that they were face-to-face.
Out of breath, the two men drew apart, but not too far apart. Cecil shivered despite the heat and the small sweat drops running down his forehead, not because of the contact, but because he was close enough to see himself reflected in Kain's eyes. Without any action or touch or kiss, the intimacy was awkward, left the paladin wanting more, left him frustrated, left him wanting to take the next step. To voice his grievance, Cecil grunted out the dragoon's name a little more angrily than he'd intended. A laugh softly made the silence wane.
Impatient?
Hurry up...
Let's enjoy ourselves tonight. It's been far too long, hasn't it?
Of course. I can't wait any longer, Kain.
A scream tore out of Cecil's throat, the midnight silence rent apart as Kain entered him in one fluid motion. Without any stretching or preparation, it was painful, but Cecil so wanted to feel it - the burning sting, the memories connecting and making sense again, tying him back to what was familiar, to what felt right. Engulfed in the tight heat, but concerned for his best friend too, Kain tilted the younger man's chin, trying to find the message "stop". Cecil's pained face softened at this, and he shot Kain a euphoric smile.
Kain couldn't help but smile back.
Whew...I'm so glad it's done now. This took forever to write, since I'm now busy and have an irregular schedule. Hope this wasn't too cheesy or corny or whatever..I'm starting to vomit myself, too.