I watch as Derek rises from his place on my hospital bed and I feel…I feel desperate. His words echo in my head; "You deserve to be with someone who will make you happy, somebody who's not going to complicate your life".
I play it over in my head again. "I'm walking away," he says.
Whatever I was expecting – it wasn't that. It takes me all of ten seconds to realize that this is not what I want. I didn't want Finn. With that simple statement, I know that Derek is the one. The fear that I feel in the pit of my stomach at Derek's words confirms that.
I stare at the wall blankly, drinking in the fact that Derek just…gave up. All I can think is that it's my fault. Dating was both of them, wasn't a good idea. I like Finn…I do, but Derek…it's Derek and it will always be Derek.
"So what time do they let us visitors start visiting tomorrow?" My eyes snap toward the doorway. It's Finn. He walks over to my bedside and stares down at me with a smile on his face. A wave of guilt washes over me.
I look at him closely. He is attractive, sure, but he isn't dreamy. His eyes are a darker shade of blue than Derek's, his hair a light brown color. Not nearly as attractive as Derek's black hair, crystal blue eye combo. Finn might be a better guy, just as Derek says – but the sight of him doesn't make my breath catch in my throat, his kisses don't make my head spin. Derek does all those things. As much as he drives me crazy…as much as I hate him sometimes, what he put me through, I can't image not having him in my life. When he chose Addison, it hurt like hell but he came back. Derek came back. I can't let him slip away again.
"You shouldn't do that," I say softly.
"I don't mind," he smiles. When Derek smiles it reaches up to his eyes, which crinkle in the corners.
"You really shouldn't do that," I feel tears welling up in my eyes. He stares at me for a brief moment before a look of realization etches itself on his face. He opens his mouth, closes it, only to open it again. This time words come out:
"So it's Derek," he says, sounding hurt.
"I'm sorry," I whisper hoarsely, swiping at my eyes and looking away briefly. "It's just…you're a great guy, Finn. Probably even a better guy than Derek but –"
"It's him. He's the one," Finn says. I close my eyes and shake my head.
"I wish…it's just…" I swallow and lean my head back, "He's the one." Finn nods.
"You know he's probably going to hurt you again, right?" I bite my lip, not wanting to answer because I do, and I know he will. He already did by walking away but I want him regardless. Regardless of the lies he told, regardless of the wife. I'm done trying to fight it.
Finn heads to the door and turns, "Take care, Meredith." I give him a small smile.
"You too."
I lay my head on my pillow again, wishing for Derek to come through the door and take back everything he said. I would tell him it's over with Finn, he would give me that McDreamy look and say things to me. We would kiss and then do more than kiss.
But he didn't come back through the door. He presumed I was with Finn now. He walked away.