Go back. Just to see… I smiled silently thinking what it would feel like when I went back. When I saw Bella again. Not a memory but something real. If I went back now maybe she would forgive me. Maybe she would want me back.

That was something I doubted would happen. Even if I went on my knees for the rest of eternity it would not work. Bella would never forgive me. She had no reason to and I knew that. What had I done to her but bring in pain, danger and horror into her life? Nothing. She would hate me if I went back now.

She can't be happy without you. She loves you…The silent voice in my head spoke soothing me.

I knew that was far from truth though. Right now Bella was happy. She had to be. She had to be enjoying the human life I had given her. She'd probably forgotten me and moved on like she was supposed to.

The thought of her in somebody else's arms caused my heart to ache. My fist clenched next to me as the unwelcome imaged popped in my head. I saw Bella holding hands with another human man. Her face glowing in a glorious smile while staring at whoever he was. I saw her happy and laughing. Her body movement showing she didn't remember me whatsoever.

"No." I whispered silently. What was worst than Bella being happy with someone else? Bella forgetting me. I knew she would eventually forget me and move on. How could she not? As much as I loved Bella, she didn't love me near as much. Her love for me was like a piece of dust compared to the sand on a beach. It was a small. Yet it had been everything. The reason why I'd stayed with her for that long. The reason that I smiled each and everyday with her. The reason why I'd left her.

If she hadn't fallen in love with me than I wouldn't have had to leave as soon. I would have been able to stay and watch her live her life being nothing but another student in her life.

Thinking of the other students in Forks made my fist slam hard against the floor remembering all the immature boys who had made a move on my Bella.

She's not yours anymore The silent voice in my head that been trying to get me to go back to Forks reminded me. But she can be again…just go back.

As much as I wanted to listen to that voice and go back, to be happy again. I couldn't. I'd promised. If anything else in the world I wanted to keep that promise. It was the one thing that I held on that was my last gift to Bella. I couldn't break it. Not to mention the act of going back would be selfish. I couldn't just go back and take away her happiness. What kind of monster was I?

Edward Bella's silent voice whispered in my head like she was calling out for me to come back. It sounded so real. Just the small, made up portion of her voice touched my heart. To actually hear her voice again would be the greatest gift that anyone could give to me. Just to see her happy and enjoying herself.

Bella's smile was my smile. Her every smile was a gift to me. I'd wanted to be the reason for her every smile. The reason for her every laughter. That's what I lived to do. Love her. I guess I was giving her that in a way. By leaving, she was laughing and smiling. She could thank me for that now. I'd taken the demons I'd brought in her life, out. The danger I had brought in her life. I'd taken back with me.

"Damn Jasper." I mouthed. I didn't blame Jasper for what happened that night. I blamed myself for bringing Bella into that danger in the first place but if Jasper hadn't attack then maybe I wouldn't have been pushed into this decision. I wouldn't have had to leave so soon.

I closed my eyes and saw Bella's smiling face behind my eyelids as I always did. It was a welcoming smile. Calling me back.

Without Bella's love I was nothing and I knew that. I was nothing without her. I ran my hand through my hair and kept it there wanting the pain to disappear and instead having Bella with me. I wanted to see her scarlet red blush, to see her beautiful face and to have her lips on mine.

As much as my body craved for her mentally, physically it was just the same. My hands still twitched from not having her warm body around it and my lips felt dry. I wanted to feel Bella's soft lips against mine. The memories of our kiss came to my mind and I groaned.

If felt like I was dying. Like I was disappearing inch by inch. Part of me had been gone from the moment I left Bella. Now the other half was vanishing just as quickly. I wasn't the Edward I used to be. I was nothing. I made everything around me miserable nowadays.

That's why I couldn't be around my family. I couldn't allow them to see me like this. Not to mention it wouldn't help any of their lives if they went around the house watching their suffocating brother or son die slowly. It wouldn't help at all. I knew that my present soured the room. My last trip to visit hadn't been any different from the rest. I had gone back to visit, they had thought I changed and then they'd been pained to see me like that. I'd been worst than I was before I met Bella. Life had completely changed.

The memory of that summer stung. The smile on Bella's face had been stained to her face the whole summer. The couple of months at the end of my junior year with Bella. The best times of my life. Those memories would always hold that title as long as I live.

The voice in my head started to plead for me to go back again but I refused it this time with a bit more strength. That strength being encouraged by Bella's happiness because my pain was nothing compared to that. Her happiness was worth more than anything in the world.

I would just have to keep my promise. I would have to stay away from her. Let her live her life without fear or danger. She wouldn't have to worry about her every step every day. She could go on living her life without me…for now.