Chapter 1: How Can I Be So Sure?

I lay next to Antonio currently, staring up at the ceiling. He was fast asleep, the bastard. He'd fallen asleep immediately after we'd made love, though he was affectionately holding me currently in his sleep. I sighed, and rolled over in his arms to face away from him, my face crinkling with a slight pout. "Bastard. Falling asleep so quickly." I thought to myself in an agitated manner. I knew I acted like I hated him, but sometimes, deep down all I wanted was to hear him say "I love you".

This wasn't like me, but I couldn't help but feel tears well up in my eyes at the thought of Antonio not loving me. And it was an ever present thought. Nights like these were something that happened often lately. It was like I needed to hear it, needed him to reassure me.

I sniffled slightly, and Antonio stirred. I blinked, and closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep; trying to even my breathing out to make it believable.

Antonio's eyes opened, I knew he was awake because his arms pulled away from me and he sat up. He was looking at the clock as I opened my eyes a bit to see what he was doing. "Lovino?" He murmured. I felt a hand brush a tear away from my cheek. "What's the matter, Amor?" He asked softly.

"It's nothing." I muttered sleepily, "Bastard." I added half-heartedly, and I knew it wasn't believable. I felt the bed sag under his weight again as he lay back down and wrapped his arms around me.

"Tell me what's bothering you." Antonio said quietly, placing a kiss on my forehead when I rolled over to look at him. My face turned a deep crimson, but I closed my eyes and shook my head vigorously.

"Jackass, I said its nothing!" I muttered, though I found myself burying my face in his chest and leaning into his embrace more. I could feel him shift, and went to utter my words of protest but was cut off as he pulled me into a sudden kiss. "Hey-!"

My eyes widened, and I at first wanted to push away. He was stronger than me, though, and despite my efforts to push away he held my arms tightly. I winced slightly at the roughness of his grip. I whimpered as he pulled away slightly, frowning at him. "Antonio?" I said, disliking how weak my voice sounded right now. He had this way of making me melt under his touch, even more so with those kisses.

"What is it, Lovino?" Antonio asked in return now, and I huffed, puffing my cheeks out and giving him a glare.

"Antonio, you tomato bastard...do you really love me?"

"L-Lovino, why are asking this so suddenly?" He asked softly, "I shouldn't have to tell you something like this; you should know. You should know very we-"

"Y-You're lying! You don't love me!" I raged, pushing him away from me abruptly and sitting up. "You would've flat out said it if you really truly loved me!" I shut my eyes tightly. "Tomato bastard! Fuck off! I-I hate your guts!" I threw insults at him so easily, and meant none of them. But it was just the way I was, it came naturally, the way I talked. I truly couldn't deny my feelings for the other even as I got up out of the bed and dragged on my pants and shirt; shrugging into my jacket despite being so tired.

It was late, I knew it. But I didn't give a damn. Tears stained my cheeks as I stalked downstairs, followed by Antonio with nothing but a blanket wrapped around him. "H...Hey..." He said, voice now sounding hurt. I hunched up my shoulders, feeling terrible on the inside; deep down I wanted to apologize for what was happening. But there was no way. I was going to get the hell out of there.

I turned and gave him a half-hearted glare before going to the door and slipping my boots on. "Call me a damn cab!" I said, but he didn't move. "...shit, I'll do it my God damn self then!" I moved to call a cab for myself, though I wasn't sure where the hell I would go. Or what I was going to do when I got there. I'd likely just go straight back home, being at Antonio's place didn't do me any good.

When the taxi was called, I cast one last glance at him as it arrived and I walked out the door.

XXX

The next day, I woke up, almost expecting to see Antonio next to me. That's when it hit me hard, everything that had happened last night. When I pushed myself up on an arm, I realized I'd been crying throughout the night. True, I had cried myself to sleep, but when I woke up, even then my pillow was wet with tears.

I scoffed lightly; I could live without him. I could live my life just fine and I could protect myself…right? I got up and dressed myself, realizing it was already afternoon and my phone was ringing off the hook anyway. There were at least twenty to thirty missed calls, probably Feliciano, worrying to death about me. I reluctantly fished my cell phone out of the pocket of my pants and flipped it open, pressing talk. "He- Feli." I said, exasperated. "What do you want? You were worried about me. I'm fine, Feli...no I have not been crying! I'm hanging up now. Fratello! Stop calling me, I'm fine!" With that, I flipped my phone shut and pocketed it again, not wishing to deal with my brother right now. I wondered if he had found out about me and Antonio, and that's why he was calling. He hadn't mentioned anything about the Spaniard, though.

There wasn't too much I could do right now. I couldn't go back to Antonio, I needed time to cool off and think about what was happening. When my phone went off, I figured it was just my brother again. Though looking at the caller ID, it read Antonio. I simply ignored it, not wanting to talk to him at the moment. I just couldn't deal with it right now.

I glanced at my bed, going and laying down, curling up. I couldn't do this; I just could not function today. I stayed there for most of the day, refusing to leave my room even when Feliciano came to visit. He tried to make me leave my room, but I just rolled over and buried my face in my pillow; refusing to tell him why I was being this way.

He wouldn't leave the house, and I knew it was no use in trying to convince him to go back home. That dummy was far too worrisome.

Ignoring his presence, I locked the door to avoid any further intrusions and left Feliciano downstairs to go back to my room for sleep. It didn't take me long to fall asleep, as I had been feeling exhausted anyway.