AUTHOR'S NOTE: The title comes from my favorite Simon & Garfunkel song, 'Bookends'-one of the best songs about friendship. As for the story-my biggest disappointment in Squire was the lack of Kel/Neal interaction. After eight years of friendship, there wasn't even any mention of what she got him for that last Midwinter before their Ordeals, he's so low on her priority list. So this fic deals with their [waning?] friendship.
DISCLAIMER: Tortall and its inhabitants belong to Tamora Pierce, but are used with her permission.
A Time for Confidences
After Kel's Ordeal and knighthood, Raoul invited all of her friends and family to a celebratory dinner. Kel was happy to see so many of her acquaintances there; even Faleron of King's Reach--who had been on border patrol in the north since his knighthood the previous year--had managed to make it. But Cleon was still away. A small part of Kel had believed that he'd somehow managed come back, that he would've been there as she left the Chamber, or when she turned around to display her shield to the Audience.
But he hadn't. As much as she wanted to laugh whole-heartedly and celebrate with her friends, she couldn't fight her overwhelming melancholy feelings. Her success would have been so much sweeter if she could have shared it with him.
"A silver noble for your thoughts," Neal drawled lazily, standing next to the fireplace. Kel had drifted to a chair next to the fire, away from the others, hoping they would give her a moment to reflect.
She looked at Neal, forcing a smile. "I'm overwhelmed."
His eyes were serious and dark as he examined her face. "You miss him."
She didn't need to ask him to clarify. She nodded, swallowing a lump in her throat.
Neal crouched down beside her chair, taking her hands in his. Gazing up at her, his expression was almost forlorn. "You never told me when the two of you got together. You've never said how much you care about him." He looked away, defeated. "In all the years I've known you, Cleon was the only secret you kept. Are we not the friends we once were, Kel?"
She squeezed his hand. "You didn't tell me about your feelings for Yuki," she said softly, afraid to face his question.
He nodded slightly. "I didn't tell you because I didn't know," he whispered intensely. "It was the Ordeal--it straightened things out for me; it showed me what I'd been afraid of." He looked away, shaking his head. "But you're changing the subject."
She glanced around the crowded inn, noting that others were watching out of the corners of their eyes. She didn't want to raise their interest. "This isn't the time of place, Neal. Can we talk later?"
He stood, his face grim. "No. We can't talk later. Do you even realize that you're pushing me away? What about the others? Have you even spent more than a day talking to Seaver or Roald these past four years? You don't let anyone know what you're thinking anymore-not since you became Lord Raoul's squire." His voice shook with fury, and Kel felt her own temper beginning to flare. She took a deep breath, masking her anger.
"Let's walk," she said, standing and making excuses to the others. Neal followed her in silence.
In the cold night air, they walked without talking, burrowing into their cloaks. After several minutes, Neal finally spoke.
"Are you in love with him? Planning marriage?"
She looked at him with alarm.
He shrugged. "Well, I'm trying to catch up on our lost years of confidences."
She sighed. "Love and marriage aren't things we talk about." She didn't tell him about the note she'd written the day before; she didn't want to think about it.
He smiled, almost pained. "Because you don't want to discuss it, right?" He laughed, his voice richer than she'd remembered. "I know you, Kel. You've been like this since you were ten. And anyone with eyes can tell that he's been in love with you since we were pages. I'm sure that, next to your skill with pole arms, he was the biggest reason you were never courted by any of the other squires and pages."
Kel stopped in her tracks. She touched Neal's arms lightly. "What do you mean? He never said anything until I'd been a squire for a year."
Neal smiled, his eyes warm. "You really are clueless sometimes, Keladry of Mindelan. Were you so focused on your goal that you ignored Cleon, Owen, Faleron, and all the other fellows who liked you at one time or another?" He shook his head, confused. "I think Joren might've liked you, even--in his way, mind you, which he clearly couldn't deal with."
Kel pulled her hand away and began walking briskly. "Stop being ridiculous and fanciful, Neal. If you're trying to make a point, just make it."
He grabbed her from behind and hugged her, burying his face in her shoulder. "I've kept secrets from you, too," he whispered, muffled by her cloak. "I never said anything about all the fights I got into, defending your honor. Or the arguments we fellows had with Joren's group in the baths each day. And I was too scared to tell you how I felt once I realized that I had romantic feelings toward you. Like all my crushes--I thought it would be easier to love in silence than be burned."
Kel's breath caught in her throat. He'd had feelings for her at that time, too? She thought her love had been entirely one-sided. She felt her face flush and her stomach turn. His nearness, usually so casually accepted, became awkward. "Burned?" she asked finally, her voice hoarse. "What do you mean?"
Neal finally pulled away, allowing her to turn and face him. His expression was troubled. "You completely ignored Cleon's advances, and you probably were too aware of the Stump's instructions about relationships to let anyone close, even if you did like them." His eyes narrowed. "Did you like anyone back then?"
Kel looked away, not wanting to answer his question. "It makes no difference now, Neal. I have Cleon. Does it mean anything anymore?"
He studied her in silence; she could feel his green eyes moving over her face, searching as they always had. When he spoke, his voice was thick with emotion. "What other secrets have we kept from each other?"
She didn't want to look at him, but forced herself to. "I didn't notice the advancements of the other fellows because I fancied myself in love with you. I couldn't tell you because I didn't want to lose you as a friend--and I didn't want to think about love and other complications." She was mortified, but kept her face calm and Yamani-smooth. "I'm not like you, Neal. I'm not in love with love, and I can't be swoony and sappy over little things. When I came back from the King's Own and saw you again, I found that my infatuation had passed, and I wondered just how fickle I really was. I was relieved that I'd never confessed to you."
She fell silent and turned away from him. She knew there was no excuse for their drifting apart, and felt terrible for it. The secrets were only the beginning--she'd spent the last four years in her own world, not letting her old friends close.
"I'm sorry," Neal whispered, pulling Kel into a fierce hug. "I'm sorry we couldn't talk to each other, and I'm sorry I brought all this up tonight, when we're supposed to be celebrating."
With a sigh, Kel leaned her head against his, feeling more at home with him than ever before. "No more secrets, all right? I promise."
"Agreed," Neal replied, pulling away. "Let's go back to the party--and you can tell me how that red-headed oaf propositioned you in the first place!"
She groaned. "Always the romance! Wouldn't you rather hear the tales of my battles when I was with the King's Own?"
"Ugh! Battles? One would think we were knights of the Realm!" he scoffed playfully.
Kel laughed, walking hand-in-hand back to the inn with her best friend.
The end.
DISCLAIMER: Tortall and its inhabitants belong to Tamora Pierce, but are used with her permission.
A Time for Confidences
After Kel's Ordeal and knighthood, Raoul invited all of her friends and family to a celebratory dinner. Kel was happy to see so many of her acquaintances there; even Faleron of King's Reach--who had been on border patrol in the north since his knighthood the previous year--had managed to make it. But Cleon was still away. A small part of Kel had believed that he'd somehow managed come back, that he would've been there as she left the Chamber, or when she turned around to display her shield to the Audience.
But he hadn't. As much as she wanted to laugh whole-heartedly and celebrate with her friends, she couldn't fight her overwhelming melancholy feelings. Her success would have been so much sweeter if she could have shared it with him.
"A silver noble for your thoughts," Neal drawled lazily, standing next to the fireplace. Kel had drifted to a chair next to the fire, away from the others, hoping they would give her a moment to reflect.
She looked at Neal, forcing a smile. "I'm overwhelmed."
His eyes were serious and dark as he examined her face. "You miss him."
She didn't need to ask him to clarify. She nodded, swallowing a lump in her throat.
Neal crouched down beside her chair, taking her hands in his. Gazing up at her, his expression was almost forlorn. "You never told me when the two of you got together. You've never said how much you care about him." He looked away, defeated. "In all the years I've known you, Cleon was the only secret you kept. Are we not the friends we once were, Kel?"
She squeezed his hand. "You didn't tell me about your feelings for Yuki," she said softly, afraid to face his question.
He nodded slightly. "I didn't tell you because I didn't know," he whispered intensely. "It was the Ordeal--it straightened things out for me; it showed me what I'd been afraid of." He looked away, shaking his head. "But you're changing the subject."
She glanced around the crowded inn, noting that others were watching out of the corners of their eyes. She didn't want to raise their interest. "This isn't the time of place, Neal. Can we talk later?"
He stood, his face grim. "No. We can't talk later. Do you even realize that you're pushing me away? What about the others? Have you even spent more than a day talking to Seaver or Roald these past four years? You don't let anyone know what you're thinking anymore-not since you became Lord Raoul's squire." His voice shook with fury, and Kel felt her own temper beginning to flare. She took a deep breath, masking her anger.
"Let's walk," she said, standing and making excuses to the others. Neal followed her in silence.
In the cold night air, they walked without talking, burrowing into their cloaks. After several minutes, Neal finally spoke.
"Are you in love with him? Planning marriage?"
She looked at him with alarm.
He shrugged. "Well, I'm trying to catch up on our lost years of confidences."
She sighed. "Love and marriage aren't things we talk about." She didn't tell him about the note she'd written the day before; she didn't want to think about it.
He smiled, almost pained. "Because you don't want to discuss it, right?" He laughed, his voice richer than she'd remembered. "I know you, Kel. You've been like this since you were ten. And anyone with eyes can tell that he's been in love with you since we were pages. I'm sure that, next to your skill with pole arms, he was the biggest reason you were never courted by any of the other squires and pages."
Kel stopped in her tracks. She touched Neal's arms lightly. "What do you mean? He never said anything until I'd been a squire for a year."
Neal smiled, his eyes warm. "You really are clueless sometimes, Keladry of Mindelan. Were you so focused on your goal that you ignored Cleon, Owen, Faleron, and all the other fellows who liked you at one time or another?" He shook his head, confused. "I think Joren might've liked you, even--in his way, mind you, which he clearly couldn't deal with."
Kel pulled her hand away and began walking briskly. "Stop being ridiculous and fanciful, Neal. If you're trying to make a point, just make it."
He grabbed her from behind and hugged her, burying his face in her shoulder. "I've kept secrets from you, too," he whispered, muffled by her cloak. "I never said anything about all the fights I got into, defending your honor. Or the arguments we fellows had with Joren's group in the baths each day. And I was too scared to tell you how I felt once I realized that I had romantic feelings toward you. Like all my crushes--I thought it would be easier to love in silence than be burned."
Kel's breath caught in her throat. He'd had feelings for her at that time, too? She thought her love had been entirely one-sided. She felt her face flush and her stomach turn. His nearness, usually so casually accepted, became awkward. "Burned?" she asked finally, her voice hoarse. "What do you mean?"
Neal finally pulled away, allowing her to turn and face him. His expression was troubled. "You completely ignored Cleon's advances, and you probably were too aware of the Stump's instructions about relationships to let anyone close, even if you did like them." His eyes narrowed. "Did you like anyone back then?"
Kel looked away, not wanting to answer his question. "It makes no difference now, Neal. I have Cleon. Does it mean anything anymore?"
He studied her in silence; she could feel his green eyes moving over her face, searching as they always had. When he spoke, his voice was thick with emotion. "What other secrets have we kept from each other?"
She didn't want to look at him, but forced herself to. "I didn't notice the advancements of the other fellows because I fancied myself in love with you. I couldn't tell you because I didn't want to lose you as a friend--and I didn't want to think about love and other complications." She was mortified, but kept her face calm and Yamani-smooth. "I'm not like you, Neal. I'm not in love with love, and I can't be swoony and sappy over little things. When I came back from the King's Own and saw you again, I found that my infatuation had passed, and I wondered just how fickle I really was. I was relieved that I'd never confessed to you."
She fell silent and turned away from him. She knew there was no excuse for their drifting apart, and felt terrible for it. The secrets were only the beginning--she'd spent the last four years in her own world, not letting her old friends close.
"I'm sorry," Neal whispered, pulling Kel into a fierce hug. "I'm sorry we couldn't talk to each other, and I'm sorry I brought all this up tonight, when we're supposed to be celebrating."
With a sigh, Kel leaned her head against his, feeling more at home with him than ever before. "No more secrets, all right? I promise."
"Agreed," Neal replied, pulling away. "Let's go back to the party--and you can tell me how that red-headed oaf propositioned you in the first place!"
She groaned. "Always the romance! Wouldn't you rather hear the tales of my battles when I was with the King's Own?"
"Ugh! Battles? One would think we were knights of the Realm!" he scoffed playfully.
Kel laughed, walking hand-in-hand back to the inn with her best friend.
The end.