The Chronicles of a Slightly Insane Ninja

Chapter 1: Well, because it's more fun this way.

I'm currently staring at the discolored ceiling of my apartment. You'd think that with all the time I spend gazing up into the jaundice abyss that I'd have it painted a color I actually like. Well, there are a few problems with that. As much as I'd like a mental institution pink, white, or green, I can't seem to afford much of anything besides the clothing on my back, and some instant ramen. In a life such as mine there are very few things you can afford, and few things others ever feel like parting with.

Now, I suppose you wonder who I am, or rather, are wondering when I'll shut the hell up. To answer both of those questions, I am the most accomplished Prankster ever to grace Konoha, the Number One Ninja at Surprising People, and the Class Idiot. My name is Uzumaki Naruto, and I'll never be quiet. There are few things in the world that I happen to like, and being loud and obsequious is one of them. I've made it a hobby of mine, as a ninja that has to look underneath the underneath, to make other ninja look underneath the underneath if they every want to find a cure to the disruptions that I make sure to put into everyone's lives. You may think this is a cry for help, or the ramblings of a brat that can't cope with the realities of life, but it's really just a hobby of mine.

If there were more of me, which there frequently are (unfortunately they don't get to stick around forever), I'd set up a betting pool about the times and circumstances in which people would find out there was something less than real about the way I present myself to the world. Loud, brash, stupid, inconsequential; these are just a few adjectives that describe the actions that I've cultivated myself to follow no matter the circumstances.

Now you may be wondering about how I manage to survive in such a dangerous world under the actions I've managed to ingrain into myself. I won't lie, mostly it's been a combination of dumb luck, and my ridiculous ability to use the most unpredictable responses that seem to throw off enemies, and allow openings in their defense that allow me to high tail it out of a serious situation with a little ass kicking thrown in to make things more interesting.

If you pit me against Shikamaru, the only reasons I'd win, would be my unpredictability and steel determination. I'd annoy the hell out of him, he'd quite before things even got mildly interesting, and I'd win by default. If there's one thing I've learned from my unfortunate education, it's that your opponent's weakness is your greatest strength. It's not something you can really learn from a book, or at least I can't. After enough battles where I've accidentally stumbled upon this axiom, I've figured out one of the main principles of the Survival Guide for Ninjas.

What is this you may ask? Well, it's something I've been writing in my spare time. It includes such situations such as "What to do when you're faced with a Jinchuriki?", "How to run away successfully from the Akatsuki", and "How to avoid the rages of a pink haired teammate". These are all vital if you, as a ninja, wish to live past your Genin years.

Now, as I've been staring at my unfortunate ceiling for long enough, I suppose it's time I drag myself to practice, although why I'm never really quite sure. Perhaps it's because I'm really a masochist at heart. I've never really thought too deeply on that one. I'm sure it's not true as I've yet to put on green spandex and start waxing poetic about the fires of youth. The fact that I can actually understand Konoha's Green Beast half the time is already cause enough for worry.

Ah, the wondrous Team 7. For a team with such potential, one would wonder why we suck so much. In fact, one would wonder why all the rookie teams suck so much. I've come to the conclusion that all the Jonen instructors are incompetent, and have no place within the teaching arena. Why I don't bring this up with the authorities? Well, I don't have a particular wish to be worked into the ground, nor do I think anyone in an administrative job would take me seriously. It's all part of my cover. It helps me be the Number on Ninja at Surprising People. And since this is all vital toward my eventual long term goal, everything else must be second priority.

As I approach the training grounds, I can see Sakura's millionth attempt at gaining Sasuke's attention. Ah, the wonders of youth. I wonder if I told her that Sasuke really likes ducks, if she'd get him one. I also wonder what he'd do if he received one. Probably eat it, the barbarian. Although, it's thought to file away for later planning.

Now, show time. "Hi Sakura! What're you hanging out with that loser Sasuke for?" One would wonder if the repetition would become obvious, eventually. "Shut up Naruto! Sasuke is a hundred times better than you'll ever be!" Queue the violence. Ouch, that one kind of hurt. She should really learn to control that temper of hers. For a ninja she really isn't that great at waiting and extracting revenge at a later time and place of her choosing. Maybe one day I'll enlighten her about this, when I'm sure she won't be using it on me. Ah, and now she's cooing over the Reticent Avenger. They could star in their own drama if they wished. Never mind, they already do. Enough people watch Sasuke to make his life a drama anyway.

Sometimes I wonder why Kakashi shows up for training. It's painfully obvious that he doesn't particularly wish to be here with us. Perhaps it's because we resemble the team he was a part of as a child. How do I know this? Well, it's all part of being Konoha's number one ninja at surprising people. To surprise people, I really need to know a lot about them, to know what would surprise them. So, in all of my spare time, that I don't spend doing other stuff, I've been gathering information about everyone I know, don't know, and may possibly meet in the future. I don't think there's a person alive that has the sheer amount of information on people that I do. It's all catalogued in my library of scrolls. I happen to carry them on my person at all times, in my jacket, if you didn't know. It's really handy to have, especially on missions, but mostly so the people that frequently break into my apartment don't accidentally stumble upon them.

I'm sure that if anyone ever found out about this they'd be quickly confiscated before I knew what happened. So I won't be able to reveal my stunning amount of information until I'm sure I can trust the person (never happens), or I'm powerful enough that the wouldn't be able to force me to do anything (may take a while to achieve). It'll all culminate to help me achieve my long term goal.

Now, for the arrival of Kakashi, and the eventual and futile attempts of chastisement by Sakura, and me. "You're late!" This was actually screamed more than exclaimed. "Well, you see, I ran into an old woman on the way here, and had to help her-" Another of Kakashi's excuses, you wonder why he even bothers. He is of superior rank, so it would be within his rights to be silent about the whole ordeal. Ah, now my part "Liar!" Yes, another thing to check off my list of daily routines.

Now onto another meaningless mission commissioned by some lazy villager with too much time and money on his hands. I wonder if it'll be something like grocery shopping, weeding a garden, or baby sitting. Ah, weeding a garden it is. With all of these demoralizing missions, you'd think it's a miracle that the Genin teams managed to get through these years with some skills intact. The only reason I'm not worried, is that although these missions take up all the time most Genins have, I happen to have one very interesting side effect of being the living prison of a demon. I don't sleep. Very much like Gaara, I happen to suffer from insomnia although I go to greater lengths to hide it. I actually have twice the amount of time to do things in than most people. It's why I can lay such wondrous pranks.

Why do I hide this? Well, I wouldn't be Konoha's number one ninja at surprising people if I just told everyone, now would I? Ah, it's time to start weeding. Sometimes I wonder why people don't notice that I'm hardly paying attention to anything. My responses should be clue enough. But I guess when something's right under your nose it's a little hard to notice. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Sasuke's an idiot, and Sakura is too. Well, if they're really idiots, and I act like an idiot, what does that make Kakashi? I suppose the teacher of a bunch of idiots. Isn't that amusing. I wonder if that's why he reads all the time. Maybe he just needs a break every once in a while. Maybe he needs to go on a vacation.

Weeding really isn't the most fun of activities. Grass, and sun, and flowers, okay, so maybe it isn't that bad, but it's sure as hell boring. Maybe if there were man-eating plants in this garden. Note to self: When you plant your own garden, get some man-eating plants. Ah, my long term goal just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I know I've mentioned this long term goal a few times, so I bet you're wondering what it is exactly. Well in short I just want my own house, one with a garden. That's all? You may question. Well, yes. But what about wanting to become Hokage? Well I have to get a job to get a house, and so I can pay bills and stuff. But why don't you just get an easier job? You question again. Well, because it's more fun this way. I'm Konoha's number one ninja at surprising people and I surprised you now didn't I? Well, if I didn't I'll work on the 'gathering information' thing a little more.