A/N: I was inspired to write this after hearing The Script's song Flares. Amazing song! This is a one shot of Ressler dealing with the aftermath of Audrey's death and Liz helping him come to terms with it. I've never done a one shot before. (I also tend to name my stories after songs because I'm so original – yep)
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Night after night he tried to sleep without the nightmares. But they came. Every night they came. Holding her in the snow and her blood seeping through her scarf. Each night. She died in his arms. The same thing over and over again. He would wake up with tears streaming down his face while clutching his pillow. He failed her. He lost her once due to his job. Due to Reddington. In a twist of fate she came back to him due to the same man. But he lost her again because he was stupid and too proud to ask for help in protecting her. He had a whole task force behind him. If he had asked he would have help and she'd be alive. He killed her.
After each sleepless night he pulled himself together and went to work. He put on the act that he was fine. But he had a feeling she knew better. For all his talk of how her chosen profession of profiling was crap he knew she saw more and understood people. She could see he was not fine despite all his insistence. She was waiting for her chance to pounce. He wouldn't give her the chance.
He pushed through the heartache and the physical pain he still had from the day Anslo Garrick attacked the Post Office. The day he defied a direct order from his superior, giving up the key code to the box to save her life and more than likely end his. He didn't care. He wanted to save her. And he did. When he saw the gun to her head he felt an ache in his heart. A pain he hadn't felt in a long time. He knew what it meant and couldn't deny it. The feeling he'd only felt one other time. A feeling that was wrong to have for his partner and a married woman. That didn't matter, he gave the code to save her life.
Then when he was recovering in the hospital it wasn't his partner who came to see him right away. It was the one who took his heart and ripped it apart. She was back. And those feelings he buried all flooded back. And he was confused. Everything he felt for Liz in those moments in the box when the gun was to her head were now being pushed around with how he felt and was now feeling for Audrey. And in the end Audrey won because they had history. She was safe. He loved her. And she wasn't married to another man.
Ressler loved Audrey with all he had. And when she died a part of him died with her. She brought the best of him out. He wasn't the robot everyone thought he was. He had feelings and he could be fun. Before she left him he had hobbies. Before he became obsessed with Reddington he had a life. They went to the movies. They went ice skating and when he wasn't busy chasing after Red she watched him play a Saturday game of hockey. Then she left him and he shut down. His joy left him and he had nothing left but his job.
And when she came back in to his life he smiled again. A real honest smile. They went to the movies. She even made him go ice skating again. And it felt great to be on the ice again. He felt alive again. Then that day in the snow with her blood on his hands happened. Tanida happened. Jonica happened.
"Ressler, wait!" Liz called to him one night as he was leaving the office. She caught him as he was about to enter the elevator. "I was wondering if you wanted to get some dinner?"
"Isn't Tom wondering where you are?" he said a little too harshly but he was tired of her prying.
"No." The tone of her voice made it clear that was all he was getting out of her. "Dinner then?"
"Fine." He let her tell him where to meet her and once he got there he walked up to her car. Once she got out he followed behind her holding the door open. "Yeah, two," he told the hostess.
"I would have picked a bar but I'm craving a steak and they have to best in town." She grinned as they were seated.
She was an awful liar. He mentioned once that this was his favorite steak house. He managed a small smile back at her. He ordered a beer and she ordered a wine then there was an awkward silence that followed.
"I'm fine, Keen. Really," he finally said taking a swing of his beer.
"Ok." She looked at him over her wine glass. "I just wanted someone to eat dinner with."
"Ok."
They were both looking over the menu when Ressler saw one of his hockey buddies walking up to him. He tried to hide himself not wanting to answer any questions. He hadn't seen him in a long time. Not since he was still engaged to Audrey. He was out of luck and he saw him.
"Donnie!" his friend said coming up behind Liz.
"Mark, hey man."
"Audrey," he said turning to Liz then visibly taken aback when seeing it was not Audrey. "I'm sorry." Mark saw her wedding ring. "I guess congratulations are in order anyway, Donnie." He slapped Ressler on the back and extended his hand out. "I'm Mark. You are?"
"Not who you think I am," Liz said before Ressler could speak up. She shot him a sympathetic look and stood up to shake Mark's hand.
His stomach was in knots. Liz was a saint right now because he was speechless. He felt like all his breath was being taken from him.
"I'm Ressler's partner at work, Liz Keen. My husband is out of town and he was kind enough to keep me company." Liz moved to Ressler's side.
"Ah, well sorry about that." Mark chuckled. "You coming back to the rink? We've missed you, man."
"I don't think so. Work's been insane." He rubbed his neck.
"And I'm sure Audrey has kept you busy."
Ressler excused himself and left to the restroom. He could picture Liz telling Mark all about how Audrey died. He couldn't handle it. It was the first time he came across someone who knew Audrey and he had to explain what happened. Once again he was thankful for Liz. He splashed his face with cold water and waited a bit longer until he was sure Mark was gone. When he exited the restroom he found Liz alone and their meal had arrived.
"Thank you," he said softly.
She just nodded somehow knowing he didn't want to hear how Mark offered his condolences. "So the rink? I wouldn't have pegged you as a skater."
"Hockey."
And that's how dinner went. He actually opened up and told her how he grew up playing hockey. She shared that she played rugby for a year but didn't last because the girls were bigger than her and took her out more times than not. By the end of the night he decided he was thankful he agreed to dinner. It was 2 hours of him not dwelling on Audrey's death. But then he'd go home and sleep and the nightmares would come.
Liz sent him a text message that next Saturday morning. He was drinking coffee while reading the paper. It was early and he was shocked she was up. He took her as one to sleep in. He couldn't help but smirk when he lifted the phone to see her message.
"Get to the rink."
"Mind your business, woman." He sent back hoping she'd sense the teasing behind his text.
"Yeah, yeah. Just go."
He stared at his phone for a while contemplating if he should go or not. Ressler looked at his hall closest where his hockey gear was hidden in the back. He had just enough time to get to the rink before the guys started playing. He had a sinking suspicion Liz knew this and that's why he got the text when he did. Finally making the decision he pulled his gear out of the closet and drove to the rink.
He tried to squash the nerves he had when he walked in. The guys were warming up and Mark saw him first. Soon the rest skated up to where he was. His bag slung over her shoulder waiting to see if he was still welcome after all this time missing. Well, the welcomed him back with smiles and manly hugs. He knew Mark told them all about Audrey but no one said a word. On the ice he felt alive. He pushed himself hard despite not playing for a while. It was like he never stopped and when he made a goal he spun around to high five one of teammates and he looked in the bleachers. He swore he saw Liz there but Mark bumped him and when he looked again she was gone. Ressler decided he was just hallucinating. By the time he got home his body ached.
"I can't move. I hope you are happy." He sent to Liz before heading to shower.
"Very." She sent back. "See you on Monday."
Work continued as usual. He still had nightmares but they were less frequent. He was still burying himself in his work. But there were Saturdays. And on Saturdays when Red wasn't sending them on missions he went to the rink. To feel alive. Keen would never know what she did for him by sending him there. By giving him that push.
He visited Audrey's grave once a week and put fresh flowers for her. One day he went to go put new flowers out and saw a familiar figure standing out there. He stood behind a large oak tree out of sight. It confused him to see Liz out here. She was clearing debris from the stone.
"He's doing better. I think. He misses you so much," Liz said out loud. "He won't say it. He doesn't say much of anything actually. I wonder what kind of man he was before. The man you fell in love with. I think he's peeking through. I got him back to playing hockey. He's a natural huh? I'll keep an eye on him for you, ok?" Liz stood up and slowly walked back to her car not seeing Ressler behind the tree.
He wasn't sure if he should be angry or feel touched. Angry that she would invade this special place of his with Audrey. Or touched that she cared enough. He didn't want to think much of it so he did his weekly ritual and headed in to work determined to ignore Keen and the fact he saw her at Audrey's grave.
After that day she backed off as if knowing he was on to her and if she pushed any further it would drive him away. Then he noticed things were off about her as well. She was having problems at home with Tom. Concentrating on the changes with her personality made him forget about his problems. He never trusted Tom. Always felt like he was cleared too soon. That something was missing.
Then Keen came to him with the revelation that Tom wasn't really Tom. He saw the destruction left behind after she confronted him. Ressler had to hide the anger he felt towards Tom when he thought of him attacking Liz. He had to hide his concern for what she was going through her. All he could do was offer her advice and oversee the evidence collection. Inside he was full of mixed emotions. She had done so much to try to help him when he was drowning in himself and now there wasn't much he could to help her.
And when Meera died…her throat slit, bleeding out. He was helpless. He couldn't save her. Like he couldn't save Audrey. And Cooper was attacked and nearly killed. He snapped. He wanted to kill the man who did it but he wasn't sure if he could go that dark.
He was weak. The nightmares came back full force. All he wanted was one night of sleep without dreams. So, he took an oxy from when he was shot. He knew he shouldn't but he also knew how well they knocked him out and numbed the pain. And the next night he took one. He knew he shouldn't. He knew they were addictive. He just didn't care.
It was when they came back from the mission in Moscow when his reaction time was off and it affected Keen that he knew he had a problem. For all she had done for him and he let her down. He was sitting in his apartment with the bottle in front of him. He hated it. Hated himself. Then there was a knock on the door.
"Keen?" He knew the bottle was out in the open but didn't have time to hide it. His anxiety was rising. She didn't wait to be invited in.
"Res," she said softly. "You know you can talk to me right?"
"I really don't want to get in to any of your psychological bullshit right now," he sighed. He moved past her and tried to scoop up the bottle.
She gave him a sad smile and pulled a pill bottle out of her pocket. He couldn't breathe. She found it. She went through his desk and found the bottle he had at work. "I was looking for a requisition form. And found this."
"I get pain in my leg still." He tried to justify.
"That you need two bottles? Let me help you."
"I don't need help."
Liz snatched the other bottle out of his hands and stormed to the bathroom. He followed her and felt his chest tighten. He clenched his fist. She was going to dump them. Could he handle it if she did? Was he that far gone? He had gone a night or two without them. Having them just took the edge off.
"How long, Res? How bad is it?" She looked him in the eye.
"It's not every day. I'm not a junkie." He watched her dump the first bottle. "Don't. Please. I need them. I just. Liz, I need to sleep and not see them. Ok?"
"See who?" Her face softened as she set the second bottle down.
"Audrey. Meera." He reached for the bottle. "They take the dreams away, ok. Just don't."
He expected to see pity in her eyes but there was none. He couldn't put a name to what he saw but he knew what he felt when she placed her hand on face. His body ignored his mind when he turned in to the touch. Her other hand wrapped around his neck and pulled him in to a hug. Ressler was not an emotional man but there in his bathroom he broke down. He full on broke down. Together they slid to the floor where he laid his head in her lap. No words were spoken. He cried silent tears while she ran her hand through his hair. Ressler finally let the weight of all he was holding in out.
"Come on, Res," she said softly. "Let's get you to bed."
His body became rigid as he realized just how vulnerable he made himself in front of her. He had never allowed himself to be this vulnerable in front of Audrey. Not even when his Grandmother passed. He locked himself up for a day to grieve alone. But here he was baring all for Liz to see. Her suggestion of bed sounded good until he imagined the nightmares. She was getting up anyways, holding her hand out for him. He got up and followed her to his room.
"I'm going to lock up ok?" she said softly.
He assumed she was leaving and was immediately embarrassed thinking she was regretting coming over. Ressler stripped out of his clothes and in to sweatpants and t-shirt and crawled in to bed. He heard a noise coming from his spare room right before Liz reappeared dragging two blankets and a pillow in.
"Got something I can sleep in?" she asked as she dropped the blanket down at the foot of the bed on the floor, making herself a bed.
"What are you doing?" Ressler got up and looked down at her with his eyebrow raised.
"Making a bed. On your floor." She smiled at him. "I'd rather not sleep in my clothes and I'm sure it would be awkward at work if you saw me in just my bra and underwear." Liz got on her knees and rested her elbows on the bed. "But…I did catch a glimpse of your behind. You should shut the door when changing."
"I thought you had left," he said in defense as he chucked a pillow at her. Liz ducked just in time. He got out of bed and grabbed her one of his t-shirts and running pants. "You don't have to stay."
"I want to. You don't need the pills tonight. I'll wake you if you have a nightmare." She took the clothes he offered and walked to the bathroom.
For the first time in a long time he felt hope. Hope that maybe someone truly cared. Sure, she was his partner at work and they each other's back but this was more than that. This was beyond work. This was…well he wasn't sure what it was but it was more than he thought they would be when he first met her. He was a mess tonight but she was what he needed. He wondered how Liz knew he needed her. Needed someone to give him hope.
"Earth to Ressler," Liz called out when she came back in to the room.
"How'd you know," he asked breaking out of his thoughts. "How'd you know to come here tonight? Of all nights. Tonight."
Liz moved to sit next to him on the bed and turned her body to face him. She shrugged. "I just did I guess. I can't explain it. It felt like I had to be here. Right now." She put her hand over his and leaned in and kissed his temple. "Get some sleep, ok?" Then she made a move to get up.
"You can sleep up here. I won't try any funny business. It's big enough. Or I'll take the floor." He rubbed his neck. "But you won't take the floor."
Liz looked at him for a brief moment then got up and turned off the light. He wasn't sure what she doing until he felt the bed shift a bed and knowing she made her decision he laid down. What he didn't expect was for Liz to move close to him and put her head on his chest.
"So I can hear your heart rate. You know, for your nightmares," she explained. Which he knew was a lie.
"Ok." He put his arm around her. "To keep you warm."
"Ok."
And it wasn't long until they both fell asleep. There were no nightmares that night. And when he woke in the morning they were still snuggled close. The sunlight was shining on Liz and he watched her sleep for he didn't know how long not wanting to wake her up. He would let her wake up on her own. It was Saturday. They didn't have a case and maybe he would make her breakfast. Maybe she'd want to do something together. Maybe he could start living life again.