Hey guys, it's Slayer here. It's Valentines Day, and in a spontaneous fit of romanticism, I felt it appropriate to write this one-shot as a tribute to one of the greatest unfinished pairings of all time- Ghastly Bespoke and Tanith Low. Written to "Warp 1.9" by the Bloody Beetroots and "Nice Guys" by KevJumba ft Nigahiga. Youtube it. Nigahiga rocks.
This is my ideal Valentines Day.
Steak for two
Ghastly checked his watch. Tanith was meant to be there in 5 minutes or so. Everything was ready- the shop was closed, the table set, the steak on the pan, cooking.
Everything was done, he thought, nervously raking his eyes over the room. Everything in its place.
Why are you so nervous? He thought, half-annoyed at himself. You're acting like you've never had a girl over before.
Not this girl, he thought back. And this girl is different from the rest.
The door bell rang.
Ghastly half ran to the door, stopped, took a calming breath, put his hand on the knob, hesitated, took it back, put it back on again.
The door opened, and he stumbled backwards, barely saving his beautiful (okay, already too scarred for it to make a difference) face.
Tanith stood there, as beautiful as ever in her tight brown leathers. He felt a smile appear in the corners of his mouth as she strode in the door and gave him a hug.
He closed the door, and said, "Steak's already on. Cup of tea?"
Tanith looked at him, and smiled. "Sure," she said, making her way into the kitchen.
When he got in there, a few steps behind her, she'd already put the teabags in the cups and the kettle on to boil.
He frowned. "Don't be stupid," he said. "I invited you over to dinner. That means I make the tea."
Tanith grinned. "Well, I think we all know now who'll be wearing the dress at the wedding, Mrs. Domestic Housewife."
Ghastly sat down on a chair. "Well," he said, stretching. "I could get used to this. And besides. I'd be perfectly happy to make a dress out of brown leather for you, just as long as I don't have to wear a veil."
"Cover up those scars."
"Still doesn't solve the 'you may kiss the bride" line."
"I have an Idea!" said Tanith triumphantly, bringing over the tea. "We can both be the groom!"
"Well, what are the ushers going to say to the guests? I can see the conversations already. 'Groom or groom?' 'Groom.' 'Which one?' 'The groom, you imbecile!' 'You know what? Just sit on the right.' Wonderful."
"Well, maybe we should just have friends on the right and enemies on the left."
"Sure make seating mutual friends easier. But if we have enemies at the wedding, they might sabotage it."
"What would you propose?"
"Well, if there's no bride, there's no aisle. So there would be no need for ushers; people could just sit wherever the hell they want."
"Does Ireland have a law banning gay marriage? And if so, would this count?"
"No, because I'm a girl."
"Then why don't you just wear the dress?"
"You know what? Stuff it. I will."
Ghastly smiled at her, his eyes going soft. "I would wear the dress. If it was what you really wanted."
Tanith grinned. "And if all your friends, excluding, of course, Shudder, were sick or otherwise occupied.'
"It would have to be dead," Ghastly said, shaking his head slowly. "They'd drop anything to see me in a dress. And if they were sick, they'd just rig it so we got married in their hospital rooms."
"You could always ask me, or Val, or even China to temporarily incapacitate them. We'd do it, you know. Val and China for giggles. But still."
"You know, with all this conversation, I think it'd be easier to just elope and not tell people till after."
Tanith nodded slowly, sipping her tea. "Yeah… that does seem the way to go."
"That steak should be about done," said Ghastly, getting up.
"Well, in that case, I think I might avail myself of your bathroom resources."
"What would you do if I said you couldn't?"
"Beat you up and use it anyway."
"Just as I thought."
The door closed as Ghastly began to get the egg flip under the first steak.
But just as he had put in on the plate, he heard the kitchen door open and close again.
Strange, he thought. I didn't hear the toilet flush.
He felt a line of cold metal press against his throat.
"Don't-move-a muscle." Said a familiar American voice in his ear.
Ghastly moved so fast you couldn't se him. With one hand he gripped Sanguine's arm and with the other he pushed his head. He moved to the side and the American flipped over his shoulder, heels striking first the ceiling, then the counter.
Ghastly let go just as Sanguine's legs hit the hot plate and Sanguine should have hit his head on the ground as he slid off, but he got his hands beneath him, dropping the straight razor, and flipped on to the tabe, skidding a little as the cloth moved.
Ghastly conjured a fire ball, threw it, and grabbed Sanguine's ankle and pulled. Sanguine allowed his foot to go, hitting Ghastly in the head and shaking the foot off, then completing another flip onto the ground on the other side of the table. Ghastly shoved the table into Sanguine's stomach as he landed, pinning Sanguine against the counter of the small kitchen.
Sanguine proceeded to crumble through the table and attempt to punch ghastly in the face, but Ghastly kicked his feet from under him as he was halfway through the table. Sanguine blinked, then sank back into the floor. Ghastly tried to stop him, but he was too slow.
The door crashed open and Tanith came in, surveying the wreckage that had been the kitchen. "What the hell happened?" she demanded.
Ghastly wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. "Sanguine happened," he said.
Tanith came over to him, checking the ceiling for crumbling.
"He tunneled out," said Ghastly, pointing to the wreckage that had been the table.
Tanith spun back to him. "Well," she said, drawing her sword. He could be back any moment."
Just then, a hand gripped he shoulder, and she spun around again, gripping Sanguine's hand by the wrist and pulling him out of the wall.
Sanguine toppled over and she drew her sword, but he kicked her in the stomach, hard, and she felt her breath leave her in an oof. She slashed blindly in his direction but she heard a crash and Ghastly had picked him up by the collar and was punching, punching, punching in the face. Sanguine got his feet on Ghastly's chest and pushed off, his collar tearing before Ghastly let go of it. Tanith jumped above him and kicked him in the side. He bent over, so she kicked him in the face. As he straightened up, holding his nose, he kicked him in the crotch and whipped his legs out form under him.
He spun around on the floor and held onto her ankle, attempting to bring her down with him, but she jumped and landed on his chest. Sanguine groaned under her weight, but his hand shot out to hold his straight razor, near him on the floor. Then he felt an unpleasant prickling sensation where the point of Tanith's sword was resting on his throat.
"Whoa, hey there folks, just… Just doing my thing. No need to get all angry," he said, raising his hands in submission and grinning weakly.
"Why are you here?" Tanith demanded. "Who's paying you?"
"Actually, I came here to do the world a little good- free it of this accursed affliction you call a person, over there," he said, gesturing towards Ghastly. Tanith nodded, then got off his chest and pulled him up by his already ripped and torn collar.
"Well, you can go now," she said, taking his straight razor.
Sanguine blinked. "Just like that?"
"Of course not," she said, and knocked him unconscious.
She dragged him by the hair out the door and onto the pavement outside, here she proceeded to find his wallet and take it. She looked at his unconscious body, and kicked him in the guts once more, for good measure. Then she went back inside.
"I got his wall-"
Was all she got out before Ghastly hugged her. When she pulled back she looked at him, and smiled. Then she hugged him again.
They stood together, quiet for a while in the wreckage of the kitchen. Then Ghastly said, "Well. It looks like the steak's off."
He felt her smile against his shoulder.
"Yep. I won't be able to sample your truly legendary culinary talents."
"I don't know about truly legendary... But how does takeout sound?"
Tanith pulled back and gave him a kiss.
"Truly legendary," she said.