Crackfic

The idea came from spritesinger, who mentioned it in an email to me earlier about this dear book.

I don't own anything.

Thirty minutes ago, Claire Danvers was dead. She had kicked the bucket and nearly everyone in the town had caught wind of the fact that she had. It wasn't exactly secret 101, pain of death if you tell anyone – after all, Amelie was a little busy plotting her little escape from Morganville.

"Let's run," Claire suggests as the three of them leave the Glass House, wondering how they're going to get about since the hearse has already been destroyed. And, in frankness, none of them have any other mode of transport to use – hence the running.

Not one of the three of them remember how Claire was dead only a few minutes ago, in the grand scale of things, and the likelihood of someone knowing she was dead and seeing her is more than slightly likely.

So they run.

But, after a little while, Claire gets tired – she remembers she was dead and uses that to her advantage, trying to play the lack of food card she likes to use. But…she doesn't think of what other people shall think if they see her.

Passing a shop, Claire calls to the other two to stop so she can pop in – and it's pretty full. Even though every human was told to stay at home, they're all out in their hundreds to get cat food for their cats because, let's face it, a lack of in opposable thumbs means that the cats can't open their own food.

"Just this, thanks," she calls over to the cashier, dropping the money on the desk for it and ignoring every look of amazement from the others in the room. After all, she's on a mission.

And then she heads off.

.

Meanwhile, the people in the store are having a little chinwag about the likelihood of seeing Claire – they think she's a vampire and that they were all tricked into thinking she was properly dead.

Until someone goes across the room and sees some of her sweat still on the counter – icky, but vampires don't sweat.

"OH MY GOD, CLAIRE DANVERS IS A ZOMBIE!" someone screeches at the top of their voice, others looking on in fear for the statement being said.

"We just saw her…" someone slightly saner says in response, having not heard the discussion about Claire being dead.

"Hello, idiot, she died!" the police officer standing in the room snorts, yet pulls his gun out as he prepares to run out after the girl. "I measured her body and drove her to the morgue – let me tell you, she died."

"So why did…why did she come in for water?" another slightly sane person asks in confusion. "Surely a zombie would want our blood?"

"Not if they're Shaun of the Dead zombies – as I bet you her friends are zombies," the police officer says grimly. "They're not dangerous. But we need to kill them!"

"AYE!" the others chorus together, deciding to lump Claire in with the vampires that the new Captain Obvious wants to kill. "LET'S KILL THE ZOMBIES!"

So they all grab their pitchforks (hello, this is Morganville; obviously the general store has pitchforks on sale) and run along after Claire, Shane and Eve, trying to kill them because they're zombies.

All because Claire forgot she had been dead and then went out of the house as if nothing has happened.

Dear Rachel Caine

Please remember details you may think are insignificant when you are writing your story because they really annoy some people.

Yours sincerely

Vicky xx