A reflection of deceit; how could the false of external identity, stare back at him through a looking glass? He was not who they saw. He was not safe within himself. The constant possibility of subjugation to the spitting taunts and haunts of them and himself. Childhood was considered the phase of insecurity, but now that he grew into his own physical enemy, what were they to say now? The ignorants and critics turned their heads once his hair fell to the ground in a violent episode of who he always felt he was. It was not confusion. It was not a flickering light within self-identity. It was him, in all his glory and splendor of a birth misinterpreted by the mechanics. They were supposed to build a baby boy, but the manual was absent, and somehow the package was delivered missing screws and bolts, in shiny gift-wrap, fooling doctors and cooing adults alike.
However, he refused to fulfill this feminine prophecy. He refused to accept the mistake his fetal architects bestowed upon his life-long battle between mind and body. He refused to let a missing chromosome rule his life. He refused the dictated Gracie he was forced to be recognized as since birth. He was now, and always felt as such, Adam Torres.
The pale-skinned boy glared into the mirror, disgusted with the protruding feminine labels formed at his chest. Adam lifted a roll of gauze from his desk, and began twirling the safety blanket around himself, flattening the blemishes that were considered breasts. He quickly placed a heavy flannel upon his torso, along with black jeans. Adam examined himself in the mirror, hoping his biology would be concealed.
After grabbing his schoolbag, Adam scuffled from his room and away from his looming reflection, to greet a distressed mother and tired brother. Adam quietly prepared himself cereal, sitting down next to Drew, who was busy reading the sports column in the newspaper. Adam's mother was handling calls, in which Adam was grateful for. He hoped she would rush out, without the usual morning banter of Adam's appearance and Drew's teasing laughs. Adam knew his family meant well, but their misunderstanding was sometimes the burn marks occasionally inflicted upon his arms.
A hot wave of shame washed over Adam as he pulled at his flannel's sleeves. Shame for his body. Shame for his scars. He wanted nothing more than to just be content in his own skin.
"Adam, you have such a small figure. Why wear such large shirts?" Audra Torres remarked, clapping her phone shut.
"He doesn't want anyone to figure out what's underneath," Drew commented sarcastically, wiping milk from his chin.
"Drew, be nice." Audra warned, as Adam cut his brother a menacing look.
"You should come to the gym with me sometime, Adam. I could build you up, so you can fill out those big shirts." Drew offered in a light-mannered way, as he always was. Drew Torres, who loved his brother very much, only teased to disregard the dark he knew his brother faced. Drew wasn't the brains within their family, but he had a much more tolerant heart than their mother seemed to have.
Audra loved her son very much, as well. She had difficulty accepted what she couldn't seem to understand. However, she recognized her daughter as a son, although her eyes saw him as Gracie most days. Since the sonogram proving Adam's sex, Audra couldn't seem to distinguish between gender and sex. How could her daughter feel like a boy? How could the girl she raised be absorbed into the masculine spectrum of gender? Audra's heart relented for her boy, but was restless for her girl.
"No thanks, Drew. I already smell you enough when you get home. I don't want to do it at a gym," Adam joked, subtly poking at his limp arms, thinking that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to build muscle after all.
"You boys better be off to school," Audra said, glancing at her watch. The Torres boys grabbed their schoolbags and headed out the door. Casual banter passed between the brothers, until Drew said something that caught Adam's interest.
"So that new Katie chick is pretty hot."
This comment spawned a whirlwind of critters to flap within his insides. Katie Matlin, the sharp news editor of the Degrassi Daily, who was both sweet and tough. She was fairly new to Degrassi, but rose her way to the top soon enough. Adam talked to Katie a handful of time, yet still shied away from pursuing any close relationship. Even friendship meant a reveal of his secret, which caused those critters in his stomach to die into a sick sensation. But as Drew said this, a new emotion surged inside of Adam: a venomous jealousy.
"Yeah, I guess," Adam replied nonchalantly.
"Think I should go after her?"
"I don't know, don't you think she's a bit... I don't know, too smart for you?"
"She's smart, but I think she'd like me."
"Why would she like a guy like you? You're a jock-head who can barely do long division."
"Why are you being an ass? What? Do you have a thing for her?"
With that, Adam looked to the pavement they were walking on, without any retort.
"I knew it. Listen, man, there's nothing wrong with me. What I'm wondering is why would she like a guy like you," Drew spat viciously, walking ahead of his brother, as Adam stopped where he was, peering down at himself and feeling ashamed all over again.