A/N: I cannot possibly say this enough times. SPOILER ALERT! I mean it! I know there are people out there (strange people, people who should probably be avoided, lest you get caught near them when curiosity finally kills them) who will read regardless of spoilers, but please, please, please heed my warning just this once. If you have not watched Code Geass down to the very last minute of the very last episode, DO NOT READ. This is not a little spoiler. It's a huge one. It is a big giant massive spoiler that will change everything you thought you knew about Code Geass. I mean it. Listen to me.
A knock at the door. It's Nunnally.
"Ah, Zero-sama?"
I hate it when she calls me that. I wish I could throw away this mask just once and stop lying to her.
So selfish.
"Your meeting with the Nigerian representatives will begin in twenty minutes. You should start preparing."
I sigh. World peace could be so tiresome sometimes. Who knew not fighting involved so much paperwork? I really, really don't feel like attending another meeting. I'm not cut out for this. I need Lelouch. He should be here, doing all the thinking.
"All right. Thank you."
A pause. "Actually... May I come in?" she asks tentatively.
No. Please no. The weight of my mask is too much too bear when she looks at me so sadly with those startling blue eyes. I know what she sees when she looks at me, when she sees that mask. It's all I see when I look in the mirror. To wear it now, for Nunnally alone... No.
"I don't think-" I begin, but she cuts me off. "Please Suzaku! Don't shut me out any more."
Suzaku? So she knows. Of course she does. Nunnally's no fool. She's probably known from the very moment I first opened my mouth to speak. And all this time she's known the masked man was not only her brother's best friend, but a man she's known her entire live. A man she cared for, once upon a time, a man she trusted. And all this time she's shown me nothing but kindness. I don't deserve you.
I get up from my desk, open the door for her to roll in. Once the door is closed behind her, I turn to face her.
We don't speak. There are no words. She just stares at me with those piercing eyes. I can't stand it any longer. I drop my head. "I'm sorry," I say hoarsely, knowing the words mean nothing, knowing they'll never bring her brother back, never ease her pain, never erase the lies, never fully encompass the guilt I carry inside me. My apologies will never, ever be enough.
"No. I understand why you did it," she says.
I look up at her, puzzled. "But-"
"Don't!" Her voice is strained.
"Why have you come, Nunnally?" I finally ask.
"I... I needed someone to talk to. I needed to hear it from you. Suzaku, I need to know-"
"Zero-sama, we need you in the main conference room very urgently," says a female voice over the intercom by my desk.
Really? At a time like this? What could possibly be more important than Nunnally? I can't manage to hide my frustration.
"Go," she says gently, sadness sullying her innocent face. "The world needs you."
"Tonight, after dinner," I say, reaching for my mask. "I promise."
"Suzaku, how do you do it?" asks Nunnally. Dinner is over, we are alone in my office. It is dark, save for one lamp near my desk. We sit on a luxurious leather couch that has become my semi-permanent bed, her wheelchair parked in a shadowy corner by the door, empty for now.
Why did I invite her here in the evening? In the evenings, the ghosts that haunt me come to life to terrorise me one more time.
I know exactly what she means. She means the awkward small talk between us is over for tonight. She means how do I carry on living Lelouch's life after what I did.
"I don't know," I say quietly. "I have to, I guess. For him. He deserves that much, at least."
"No, I mean, how do you sleep at night?"
Oh. I see. So she does hate me. She finds me despicable. And who wouldn't? How can I possibly blame her? I am a despicable excuse for a human being.
I answer truthfully. "I don't. Every time I close my eyes, he's there, I can hear his voice. I can never forget the look on his face, the sound he made..." My voice tapers off to an inaudible squeak. I hide my face from her view as a tear slips down my face. I should never have told her to come at night, when I am so vulnerable, so weak. And who am I to show pain? Who am I to cry? How can I, of all people, talk to Nunnally about grief? What could I possibly know of true pain? What does a killer know about grief?
"No, Suzaku, you are wrong. Raise your face. Don't hang your head before me, a weakling. Not you, who has lost so much, sacrificed so much." She smiles at me, tears brimming. "Euphemia would be proud."
Euphy. Yes, Euphy, the woman I loved. The woman Lelouch killed. No, that was a lie too. Lelouch, why did you never tell me the truth? Why did you let me believe you did it on purpose, in cold blood? Lelouch, why didn't you just open your mouth and talk to me? Where would we be if we had worked together from the start? Lelouch, would you be alive today? Would you be sitting here by my side, just chatting to Nunnally like in the old days? Where are you, man of miracles? Why aren't you here with us?
Because I killed you.
"Suzaku, do you have nightmares too?" So that's what she meant... "They come to me every night. I dream of FLEIA, all the people I killed. I see faceless children, starving without their parents, asking questions that can never be answered, paying for things they never did, things they'll never understand. Because of me.
"I see Brother, falling from the platform, bleeding by my feet. I see the world stained red, his life slipping away, and there's nothing I can do. I can never help him. I would've been happy in a world of strife, if I only had him with me! I... am so selfish..." she sobs. Tears flow freely on her grief-stricken face. The pain is fresh and immediate in her eyes. I've had this particular nightmare many times before. Nunnally hurt, Nunnally crying. And it's all my fault.
"Yeah," I say. "I get them too." What else can I say? I can't make it better, I can't comfort her.
But I know exactly how she feels, because I have those dreams too. My nightmares aren't nightmares any more. My bad dreams are memories, put on display for me every time I fall asleep. Always the same one. I don't dream about my father anymore. Or Euphy. Or the destruction I brought upon Tokyo. At night I only dream about that day...
I stand atop the hill, wreathed in shadows, awaiting Lelouch's entourage, exactly as planned. The atmosphere is heavy, the merriment is forced and plastic. Nobody is happy. I can feel their pain, all their hatred trained on Lelouch. Exactly as planned.
I step out onto the road, into plain sight. I hear the collective gasp of the crowd when the recognise me. No, not me, the symbol I represent. Zero. Their confusion is practically palpable. I can hear the frantic cries. "Zero? No way! Lelouch is right there!"
Yes, he is. That means it's go-time.
I break into a run and gunfire hails down around me. Live on, Suzaku! screams my accursed Geass, and I do. I dodge every bullet, avoid every adversary. "Don't fire! I will take him on!" exclaims a confident Jeremiah Gottwald.
No, you won't.
Atop the float now. Schneizel in front of me, then Nunnally. Oh Nunnally, dearest Nunnally. Would you believe me if I told you this all is for you?
Up the ramp, now it's just me and Lelouch.
He pulls a gun, but I knock it away before he even gets a chance to level it at my face. Are you sure, Lelouch?
He's smiling. When was the last time I saw him smile, really smile? A memory tugs at the back of my mind. C.C.'s voice: I will die with a smile on my face, Lelouch.
I position the blade. The crowd is in uproar. The surge of hope rising from their hearts urges me on, but I also sense the others. His friends, people who loved him, despite his deeds, even knowing now that he never returned the sentiment. I hear their desperate screams of protest. See their futile, last-ditch struggles to stop me, somehow, save him, somehow.
So eager to forgive his sins.
Forgive me, Lelouch.
The blade plunges into his abdomen, right down to the hilt. In all the years that I may ever live, I shall never forget the way his face contorted in pain, the look of fear, genuine fear, that entered his eyes, if only for a moment. Tears spill over my cheek. "Lelouch…" I whisper, choked.
What am I doing? What am I? What monster agrees to execute his best friend?
"This will also be a punishment for you," he says, collapsing onto my shoulder. His voice is steady, though I know the kind of pain he must be in.
How is he so calm?
"You will be a defender of justice and wear a mask forever." The blade bears all his weight as his strength drains from his body.
No. If we go now, I can still save you. I know I can. If we turn back now, we can salvage this. We have to.
But there is no turning back. His bloodied hand rises to my face. So weak, so determined. A final touch for a loyal friend.
No. I'm not your friend. Not anymore. How can I be? Look what I have done!
"You can never live as Kururugi Suzaku again."
What have I done? What have I done?
"You will sacrifice your own happiness for the world… eternally…"
My happiness? What of yours, you idiot? You have given up everything, everything for these people and they stand by, cheering as I kill you. How is that justice?
"I accept… that Geass…" is all I say.
I will bear your wish, Lelouch.
His hand falls from my mask. It is time. I am sorry, my friend.
I rip out the blade, slick with his blood. I let him fall, let his body tumble down the platform to Nunnally's feet. His blood stains the lush carpets black, paints her pale skin grotesquely scarlet.
How can I stand here like a hero, while my best friend bleeds out by my feet?
But I do.
I want nothing more than to run to them, stop her agonised cries, help him, somehow.
But I can't. I stay where I am. I am Zero, saviour of the world. I have freed mankind of the evil that was Lelouch vi Britannia. So I stand taller than ever, bring the sword around me in a wide arc, watch his blood stain the skies with my victory as it flies off the blade.
The crowd begins to chant, but I don't hear. All I hear is Nunnally's tears, Nunnally's pain, until their carefree chant deafens me, drowning out the words unspoken, drowning out the things they should've done, drowning out the moments passed between them, never to be regained. "Zero! Zero! Zero! Zero!" they scream.
No, don't. I am not your hero. I am a killer, a coward. Chant his name. He has saved you. Not me. Shout his name for all to hear.
But they don't. Of course they don't. Why would they? How could they possibly understand what he has done for them? They will never know his sacrifice.
Lelouch. I will not let you die in vain.
I swear it.
The painful memory breaks me. I sit there and sob like a child. Why am I so weak? Why does the darkness overwhelm me so? Why am I so useless?
"Suzaku," says a trembling voice, barely audible above her own tears. I feel a slender hand, placed gingerly on my shoulder.
I miss him, Nunnally. There should've been another way. It shouldn't have ended like that. He should be here right now! He shouldn't be dead. I should've..." What?
She doesn't speak. There is nothing to say. My outburst speaks for both of us, but it still won't bring him back.
This is the aftermath. Words can't save us now.
This is the aftermath. All we can do is hold on and hope. Hope that there's a better world beyond this hell. Keep fighting for a future someday. Keep fighting together. Surely together, we can survive this emptiness. Surely together, we will find the light in this darkness.