She couldn't remember what she was doing at the time. Probably working or rehearsing or anything. She just couldn't remember. When she heard, all she could think was that she couldn't remember what she was doing.
It didn't fell real.
He wasn't dead. He just couldn't.
And then she went to her room, got under the blankets and didn't cry. If she cried it meant that he was really gone, but how could she do that? How could she weep for him, when it didn't felt real?
And she was so angry with him. For leaving. For making her go to NYADA without him. For everything.
God, how could he do that?
Kurt came home and went straight to her. They didn't have to say anything. She made room for him and they stayed like that for hours. It could be days. She didn't know.
The days started to blur together and she felt numb. She was a ghost, a shadow of herself. And still then, right at his funeral, it still didn't felt like he was gone.
He wasn't there. He was fine. And she believed that. Because if she didn't, it meant that it was over.
It was only when Kurt left for Lima that it felt real. She was alone and empty and tired and it finally felt real. And she noticed that she was grieving, because she could only think one thing.
Please, just give him back.
Going to Lima was the best and the worse thing she could have done. Going home was like going back to him. It felt good and warm and…him.
So screw the grieving process. He was here with her and that was the only thing that mattered.
She went back to New York and pretended that it was okay. That she wasn't falling apart and that he wasn't going to come back. She did what she had to do.
Go to NYADA. Work. Rehearse.
And once again the days started to blur themselves together. She was on autopilot. And she did a tattoo, too.
Somewhere in this road, she had already lost herself.
She was going to get everything she ever wanted. Funny Girl was right there within reach. And she worked and worked and worked.
And something started to feel right again. Right there in the stage. Singing. Performing. She felt alive again.
But, somehow, she was still holding onto him. Doing those things manage to make her feel closer to him. Strange, no?
She was doing that because he left so she could have that. So, she could never lose it.
She saved him a seat in her opening night. And another in the next night. And another.
People started to pity her. Who was this person that never showed up? Someone asked her who she was waiting for. And right then, she froze. There was no one coming.
She panicked. She was losing him again.
Oh, God. Not again.
So she did the stupidest thing she could have. She said yes to the tv show.
She left everything behind and went with it. NYADA, Funny Girl. Kurt still didn't say anything. No one said anything. She was doing the right thing here. Because, if she stayed…how could she get everything she ever wanted but him?
So, she started a new life. Pretending was something she did so much better now. Her smile started to hurt her face, but it was okay. Because she was okay.
Hell, denial can come in a lot of ways.
The tv show didn't work out. As a matter of fact, everything went wrong with that. So she came back to Lima.
Her life was falling apart. Her dad and daddy were splitting. She lost everything she worked for. However, going home felt good. While away, she felt like he was slipping. His memory. His smile. His laugh. His love.
She felt him better in Lima.
Glee club was another thing that made her feel closer to him. This club was so important to them. Rebuilding it felt like…coming home.
There is no better way to describe it.
And he was there with her. Every step of the way.
And then, these new kids, her friends, Mr. Schue…they made her feel like the old Rachel. The bossy one. The one who never shut up.
She realized that she was getting herself back together. With glue, but it was a start.
Getting into rehearse room didn't kill her inside anymore.
But you know what? The final push came from a complete unexpected side.
Puck.
They are never on good terms.
She gets under his skin. He gets under her skin.
And they always fight.
They say things the other doesn't want to hear, but need to.
He called her out. Said to get her 'shit together and stop mopping'. Well, there was some yelling on her part too, but it felt good to have someone say what needed to be said.
When Mercedes told about the new play, she knew she didn't want to go. And she said that.
And then Puck called. Rachel Berry had no idea the grapevine managed to reach him.
Glee club was really a family. No one did something before everybody else knew it too.
And somehow, maybe it was him or something else, the glue started to change. It started to really heal, you know?
Because, as much as she was hurting, she was living too. And it was about damn time she figured that out.
She didn't have him, right here and right now, but she did somewhere. He was a part of her. Always would be.
And that felt right.
So, after months and months and months, the grieving process was getting to an end. It probably didn't start at the right way or anything like that. But, she was Rachel Berry, she didn't have to do things like everybody else, right?
She let him go. So she could move on.
And years after that, in some speech she was making, she remembered him.
The one person that started that.
Because even if he wasn't there with her, he was a part of that.
And she was grateful for it.