Step 1: Die First, Think Later

Okay, stop me if you heard this one.

I am dead.

Correction, I SHOULD have died.

But I am not. Or else we wouldn't be having this conversation now, would we? Then again, research shows talking to yourself makes you smarter. Which in this case, I would be considered a genius.

And of course I am a genius! Come on Mark! Have confidence in yourself! You graduated from college right?! Sure, you didn't graduate on time. But pfft! You got that Architectural job in downtown that you've always wanted right?! And yesterday you had that date with the boss's secretary—Sara right? Crap, was her name Sara? Or was it Anna? Never mind! I didn't like her anyway.

Nothing could have gone wrong in my life anymore! I was on top of my game! Got salary, own apartment, possible non-existent love life! But who cares! Everything was going all according to plan!

But NOOOOO, you just had to pick up that phone and answer her fucking call didn't you?

Why Mark? Whyyyyyy?

Oh, Mary. Bloody Fucking Mary Suellivan. You just had to make my day.

-sigh-

You see, Joe…or Bob…or whoever you are. I was at my desk finishing up the last few details of a residential plan before I send it to my client. Just beside me, the window showed a flow of people that increased as time passed by. Lunch break. My favorite time of the day next to nap time.

I was just about to leave for lunch when my friend—or rather the puppy that I fed as a child but now forever haunts my life—called me up.

"Hey, Marty!" Her voice was even louder and high pitched that I had to hold the receiver a few inches away from my ear. "You won't believe what I just saw!"

"Mary, didn't I tell you not to call me by that nickname of yours?" I grimaced as I wheeled around in my chair.

I could hear her pout, "But you'll always be Marty to me. Calling you Mark is uncomfortable and we're friends!" long silence was my response. "You're mean just because you graduated and are adulting."

"Yes, because I need to pay bills," I stressed. Whoever said life gets easier after graduation, I kill them and stuff them in the fridge and then eat their brains for lunch. "Speaking of graduation, you're a literature major. When are you going to graduate? Aren't you suppose to doing your thesis?" I made a mistake to look out the window as I wheel my chair around. My eyes twitched and grimaced at the sight of Mary's face plastering itself against the glass. "Stop that."

"ajdlfj bjoaow mbi ajof" was all I heard—which somehow in the years that I have known her, my brain automatically translated to "Then come with me to the fair."

"What fair?" I asked.

She smiled. Well, I assumed she smiled, 'cause against the glass it looked like a janitor fish eating the particles in a fish tank. "The medieval fair. There is a ton of LOTR events going on there."

My mood started to descend as I let my back rest on my chair. "LOTR? Again. Don't tell me your thesis is on LOTR?"

"Bingo." She answered. She looked away from me for a moment and then started to wave to someone inside my office. I followed her sight line and saw Sara—or Anna who had her arms crossed and glaring at the two of us. "It's Amy! Hi Amy!"

I laughed, "Her name is not Amy. It's Sara." I told her confidently. The boss's secretary scowled.

"Just admit to yourself that you are bad at remembering names." Said Mary, "Now come on. I am hungry! Let's eat lunch before Amy decides to kill you." And ended the call.

Not wanting to be murdered before my next paycheck, I stood up and briskly walked toward the door. Unfortunately, I ended up dashing to the exit when I realized I was being followed by Amy who was screaming out, "Mark Stewart! You come back here! We need to talk!"

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I finally met up with my short, blonde haired, LOTR manic friend across the street. You would have mistaken her for a normal person if only she did not have a satchel designed with apparently a map of Middle Earth and is wearing a large green shirt with squiggly-wiggly lines on the front and back which she swears is Elvish. Hey, I've seen people with Chinese and Japanese characters tattooed on their entire body and swear it is some profound ancient hullabaloo when in fact, it's something completely different.

"Mae govannen, Matry Stewartlion." She said as she bowed. Damn it! Have you no shame? And In public?!

I shook my head as I started walking. She giggled as she started to follow me. "So what is this about the fair? Why do I have to go with you?"

"I need to do research on the LOTR fan community. I thought of you first! But then I know you might busy! So I asked around, but no one in my class will go with me." She pouted, "You're my only hope!"

I sighed. I am being used. Again. I never enjoyed these fairs. Not once. She doesn't ever think about my feelings does she? Ha. No. of course not. All she ever cares about is LOTR this, LOTR that.

Mary continued to ramble as we walked, "Oooh. I could dress up as Arwen! And then you can go as Aragorn! You're tall enough to be him! And you kinda have is body shape! And ohhhh! You have brown hair too! Maybe we can buy you a wig to make it longer."

"Aragon?" I exclaimed as I tried to think about who the heck she was referring to. "Ah! I remember, the dwarf!"

SLAP! My upper arm ached with pain. Everyone who was walking beside us stepped back. "HOW DARE YOU! Aragorn is the son of Arathorn! He is the true king of Gondor!" She berated me. "Dishonor! Dishonor on you! I can't believe you don't remember him! Yet you remember Tauriel!"

Rubbing my aching arm I told her, "Well yeah, she's the pretty one."

Mary glared at me, wiggled her finger and hissed, "She is not canon. We don't speak of her."

"Fine. Fine" I said to cool her down, "Just stop being violent. Geez."

Her mood instantly became better as we stopped at the stop light. I looked her, furious at the commotion she caused. Damn it, this girl. No shame at all. Violent too! But then I realized…has she always been shorter than me? Did her eyes twinkle like that before?

I was too lost in thought when I heard Mary call out my name. Apparently, the walk light had gone green and she was already at the center of the street waiting for me.

I remembered walking towards her when I heard a loud screech.

A black sedan ran at top speed. It skid from side to side into the sidewalk and roadway. It had to stop, but it didn't. Its' destination was quite clear. Instinctively, I ran towards Mary. I needed to be there in time. I have to. I grabbed her and tried to push her out of the way.

Please note the word TRIED because I do not know if I made it.

I felt the impact.

Then pain.

Then darkness.

And that my friends is how I died.

Well obviously, I would have died. And I should be dead! And I'm still talking to you.

But that doesn't explain my predicament right now, does it?

It doesn't explain why when I woke up I found myself here in this cold, dark, dank forest. I swear to you Jimmy, that I had clothes when I died. I was a decent human being! I checked every inch of myself—yet there is no sign of injury on my white skin. Well, there was this rash on my butt, but that's a different story.

What the hell! Don't tell me this is like a really messed up version of Punk'd! You thought you were going to die?! You got robbed!

Damn it. I scowled. There is no point in staying here. I have to get out of here.

I started to look for something to cover myself up. I eventually ended up grabbing a large leaf to cover my manhood. And started walking…to some direction.

"Help! Someone help!" I screamed out.

This is fucked up! You don't know how embarrassing this is! But then you'll tell me, 'But Mark! Once this is over you'll just laugh this off!' Come here and say it to my face you couch potato! Come here and say it Jimmy!

"Help!" I screamed, "Hel—"

Suddenly, something flew past me. I turned to see that an arrow had lodged to a tree behind me.

SCHHWAFF.

Another arrow had embedded on the ground before me. I fell back, stunned.

God forbid that my cruddy self would get killed now.

Actually, now that I think about it, I would have preferred to be dead.

Behind the trees, appeared these weird, foreign, green cloak cladded people who are now pointing swords at me. One of them started talking to me. But it was not in English. I did not respond. So they asked again in a louder, harsher tone. I could feel their intent to kill me. Well, I would too if I found myself butt naked—in public.

His companion stepped closer to me with his sword still at the tip of my chest. He took off his hood and I could see his white features and long brown hair and his elf ears.

What?! Elf ears?! The Fuck! Did I get kidnapped and thrown into the medieval fair?!

Damn it all.

I should have stayed at home today. I should not have answered Mary's phone call. I should not have rushed out of my office to go with her. I was perfectly happy stuffing my face with donuts for lunch.

But no. I had to go. And look at what mess I've ended myself into.

There is only one thing left for me to do!

Be stupid!

When I felt he wasn't looking, I tried to grab the hilt of the sword with all my might. But the Elf—er—person had a strong grip! So I elbowed him to the side and got on top of his back to keep him out of balance. Instead of falling, my victim screamed and held on as he smashed me into a tree.

This isn't one of my finest moments. Just imagine me, fighting on top of this guy. Naked. I'm pretty sure my dignity went out the window by then. Actually. don't imagine me naked. Please don't.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

Then it went black again.

Damn it. Got taken out by a guy in an elf costume.

Please give me a trophy when I wake up from this nightmare.

Author Notes:

If you have any suggestions and advice on how you can annoy our favorite Elven race, please tell me!