Puckmel/Hummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family (From Hell)

Angst Meme Prompts: Instead of Carole, Burt meets Pucks mom at the parents-teacher-night. They fall in love and Puck and Kurt become stepbrothers. At first Kurt is terrified, it takes Puck quite a while to earn his trust. After overcoming their initial differences they fall into a loving sibling dynamic. and Burt dates Puck's mom instead of Carole, and Puck must deal with Kurt instead of Finn.
Warnings: T, Puck's language, macchiavellian Kurt
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or its characters

A/N: Disappointingly light on the serious angst so far. Despite being devastated by events unfolding Kurt refused to angst properly and insisted on snark and teenage dramatics. Sorry. Also, apologies to Vivian Westwood in the massively unlikely case she ever reads this (this is no dare to twitter stuff, readers! Shenanigans like that make people stop writing fanfic.): Kurt's opinion is creative license and in now way substantiated, obviously.

Puckmel/Hummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family

Kurt had planned it all so carefully. He'd spend a week figuring out logistics and strategy. He'd storyboarded for fashion victim's heaven's sake! He was invested in this and he refused to see his cunning plan implode like this. His own dad, betraying him like that!

Yes, some people might regard it as a little- extreme to forcibly match make his own father to the mother of one's crush, all in order to get closer to his very own tall, awkward and handsome knight in shining amour and hopefully bend his very unfortunate straight. But Kurt believed in fighting for what you wanted. And hadn't great grandma Oma Annelie always quoted "where's a will, there's a way!" at him when he'd been small? In German admittedly, but the sentiment clearly transcended languages, culture and the Atlantic Ocean. Wasn't Cosmo encouraging its readers to go after their guy instead of waiting for him to come around?

Kurt was simply more proactive than most people in getting what he wanted. This was a laudable quality, if he might say so himself. And he was, saying it, that is. Why wasn't his determination being rewarded? Why did all his expended energy result in – this?

It had started out so well. He looked fabulous, his skin glowed, his boots gleamed, his hair fell effortlessly (53 minutes and 6 products of effortlessness). He had managed to hide his Dad's favorite – hideous – go to flannel shirt and tricked Burt into something approaching stylish (by a very generous estimation; but still, progress) in terms of Land's End chic at least. The topics of last week's chats with Dad had included subtle nudges toward finding romance and companionship again, and how totally okay Kurt would be with his dad having a –completely hypothetical – relationship even if it included existing hunky sons, -uh children, and how the Hummel-household might benefit from some female influence...

Everything and everyone was in place. They were here, his victim- uh, Burt's new true love courtesy of his devoted son, aka Carole was here. Kurt had managed to fabricate a reason why he was there and would remain so. He had successfully kept Ms. Hudson from searching out Finn's math teacher to discuss his (non-existent; refer to Finn routinely cheating off Brittany of all people. It was a good thing Finn was so tall, and dreamy, and handsome, and noble, and mooning over that shrill harpy Rach– yeah, back to topic) performance in her class in favor of meeting Burt.

Sadly, seeing his storyboarded beginning played out perfectly had lured him into a false sense of security. Ms. Hudson and his dad hadn't fallen in love at first glance. Disappointing, but he could live with that: he'd planned for it actually. What he hadn't planned for was the horribly stilted conversation. After a satisfactory introduction and carefully moderated small talk thanks to one Kurt Hummel, mastermind extraordinaire, the whole thing just- disintegrated.

No matter how skillfully he'd introduced topics, complimented Ms. Hudson's fashion choices (he was sure he'd sounded sincere! He'd practiced in front of the mirror, knowing her clothing style after he'd stalked- observed her in her natural habitat and desensitized himself to her non-ironic late 80s jeans wear) and forced his bewildered Dad into agreement - Dad and Ms. Hudson had remained awkward and close-mouthed. He pointed out shared interests and amazingly similar circumstances: kids in Glee, Kurt being a football player (of exactly 2 games before abandoning the team, but that was what creative license was for) just like Finn, being single parents, having dead spouses, music from the 80s, sons enjoying singing, living in Lima – he had started to get a bit desperate there... He kept the damn conversation going, no matter how stilted.

There was zero spark. It had been like watching one of Vivian Westwood's less inspired fashion shows: painful and full of second hand embarassment for the viewer. Finn's mom had tried to excuse herself twice; his dad had to be kept from fleeing once already. It was like herding cats (he imagined; not having had pets or being an animal person in general he wasn't quite clear on the challenge presented by keeping felines in line, it sure sounded annoying though). Kurt had switched to emergency mode and herded the two uncooperative adults to the buffet. Seriously, why was this so hard? Middle-aged straight widower starved for affection, similar orientated female equivalent... it should equal instant romance! Where was the chemistry between two reasonable attractive sex-starved heteros?

They could discover their mutual attraction over chewing uninspired finger food, which Figgins had probably ordered from a prison kitchen, while keeping their mouths occupied. Maybe they just weren't a talkative couple? Discovering their passionate yearning for each other over food was acceptable. Kurt wasn't one to judge as long as they did their Kurt-assigned duty.

Then, just as he had started to let his guard down, disaster struck in the form of a vapid cow - he suspected her of being Ms. Pierce - who had ruffled his hair. Kurt had tried to be heroic, to ignore the assault and its results on his look. Even he had his limits though. Some Cheerio's mother had snickered upon looking at him, his head specifically! Dad and Ms. Hudson (they still hadn't progressed to given names. But they weren't actively trying to escape from each other) looked content where he'd placed them. He had supposed he could leave them unsupervised to restore the sanctity of his hair. It would turn out to be a fatal mistake. If only he'd known! He would have suffered any and each styling emergency stoically in order to prevent what would follow.

When Kurt had returned from a short bathroom trip (21 minutes, perfection couldn't be rushed. Also, he'd lost time. It happened when he primped: it put him into a meditative trance, very relaxing. Tragic as it would prove in this instance...) Dad and Carole had separated. Worse, his Dad was animatedly talking to a slim, dark-haired woman. Even to Kurt's unwilling and untrained eyes it was clear they were flirting.

His Dad!

With a woman!

A woman not Carole Hudson, mother to the most wonderful boy on earth (or at the very least at McKinley High, Taylor Lautner still had an edge on Finn globally) and his very own future mother in-law. Mastering the impulse to storm over and drag his father away, Kurt recited the key pieces of YSL's fall collection until he felt a bit less homicidal. Acting like a deranged person wouldn't help his goals. Though in hindsight: nothing would help. It had been the beginning of the end. And he had been a powerless spectator to the horrors unfolding.

Dad had resisted every attempt to be separated from his new crush and be reunited with Carole. The interloper whom Burt had enthusiastically introduced as Deborah had large dark eyes and delicate, if worn and slightly haggard, features: she probably had been a beauty 15 years ago. Kurt wished she had fallen into that 15 feet deep hole near the entrance on her way in; Figgins had been creative with cost cutting measures again and "forgotten" to pay the construction company so they'd stopped working. Yes, he felt spiteful and uncharitable, thank you very much. He had every right to.

He had managed to drag Ms. Hudson back to the pair at least. However, when she successfully extracted herself from the conversation on her second try, she had turned the tables and taken Kurt with her. She cheerfully kept him trapped on the other side of the room, preventing his increasingly obvious attempts to get back to the disaster area and do something. Finally she had tucked his arm into hers, refused to let go and had told him that she understood his discomfort at seeing his father connecting with a woman not his mother, but wasn't it time, 8 years later? Now that he was nearly an adult, didn't he want to see his dad seeking potential happiness by flirting and getting used to romance again?

Yes, he did, why did she think he'd orchestrated the whole charade? It was supposed to be her! Her, his ticket to Finn! Thankfully he managed to keep from blurting this particular truth out.

And then she'd smiled warmly at him (why not at his father?) and said he shouldn't worry: she'd known Debbie Puckerman for a long time and his dad could do much worse.

Deborah Puckerman.

Kurt hadn't fainted. He chose to categorize the following loss of time, before he came to Ms. Hudson waving her hands in front of his face, as short-term catatonia.