K so I was listening to this song and thinking about my OTP and I thought 'Wow this would fit Matt if Mello just left him at Whammy's' so this is what happens when I'm tired and don't have anything better to do.
DISCLAMER: Do you really think I would be writing this if I owned any of it?
DISCLAMER 2: That translates as "I do not own Death Note, any of its characters, Evanescence or their song My Immortal."
MY IMMORTAL SONGFIC
It's been forever since I listened to the radio. I never did 'cause it hurt too much but eventually staring at your wall doesn't hold the same distraction as it did after the first year of doing it. I keep changing the stations until I find an okay one. It was playing my favorite song but, of course as soon as I started listening to it, it ended and as I was about to try a different station, it changed to a slow piano playing a melancholic melody, which surprised me because they were only supposed to play rock so I listened for a bit. A woman started singing.
"I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears"
I listen to the lyrics; they caught me off guard because they actually mean something to me. Why do I have to stay here? I don't like it here without you. Why can't I leave like you did? I've haven't been away from here for as long as I can remember. I'm still here waiting for you to come back but I know that will never happen. I have to keep telling myself that or I won't be able to move, frozen with loneliness and a craving only you can satisfy.
"And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave"
Why did you leave? Why couldn't you stay? Or at least take me with you. You said you had to leave I said leave. Not to get rid of you but to rid myself of the overwhelming guilt for holding you back.
"'Cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone"
You may not be here but I still feel you. I feel the phantom punches to my arms when I miss something easy. I still hear the phantom snaps of your chocolate cracking under your teeth to satisfy your "addiction" and you screaming about how the albino, pajama-wearing sheep boy beat you again. I don't even want to remember his name.
"These wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase"
You'd laugh if you saw me now. I started cutting a week after you left and the wounds haven't closed since. At first it blocked the pure anguish of you leaving but after a while it didn't cut it (no pun intended) so I cut deeper and started smoking. The old man doesn't like it but I'm too far gone to care but he still gives me more and more cigs. When he tried to get me to stop he said your name and I blacked out, the pain too much for me to even conceive. I've waited for a year I think. Yeah, I remember sheep boy and Linda giving me their condolences for my birthday - they talked as if you died, but you can't die, you're too strong- I can't tell everything is blurred. It still hurts. Everything hurts.
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me"
Don't you need me? No of course not. You don't need anyone. When you cried I held you, when you screamed I would soothe you, I stood by you from the very beginning, even when you would beat me up for standing too close to you. Everyone had bets to see how long I lasted till you killed me. I didn't care then and I don't care now. If you came back just to kill me I would let you just to see your face once more before death. You owned me the moment I saw you and you still do. "You used to captivate me
by your resonating light"
You ensnared me by standing there. Your shinning, natural brilliance, your everything, it enslaved me.
"Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams"
I'm tied and gagged by the memory of you with me. I used to love dreaming because I would see my parents and sister, laughing and playing with me or you and I doing things we never could while awake. Now I barely sleep and I beg for no dreams because all I see is your face. Now I wake with tear stains on the pillow and my face as I dream once more of you.
"Your voice it chased away
all the sanity in me"
I can remember your voice perfectly, but not what you said. I think it was something about me staying out of the Kira case but, it hurts to remember. All I can do is what you said. I'm still your dog after all this time, your word is law. I've lost my mind now all I have is an unyielding drive to do as you said.
"These wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase"
I keep bleeding more and more each day, I'm going to black-out from blood loss one of these days and then I'll just dream of you, which hurts more than all. It's been going on for too long, oh if only I could move on and end this horrible, not-worth-living life. I don't know why I haven't killed myself yet…now I remember you're still going to come back for me…or at least that's what I've told myself.
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me"
You would wake up every now and then after the nightmare that wouldn't leave you and when you cried I was there. I would stop you, screaming for your parents to wake up. I was there waiting for you when you first came, I'm still waiting for you to come back and get me. "I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone"
I've even started hallucinating, thinking your there and this was just a dreadful dream but I knew I was lying to myself, I know you're gone but I still can't believe it.
"But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along"
I even think you're still here, just studying in the other room or raiding the pantry for chocolate. I've been on my own this whole time haven't I? You never cared did you? It wouldn't surprise me. If you never did so why did you pretend? Right you needed a scapegoat. Oh well…even if I had known from the beginning I wouldn't have changed a thing I did for you.
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me"
'When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears and I held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me.' She puts it into words perfectly. The song ended a few minutes ago. I'm crying while I'm trying to write down my thoughts. Another song ends and they announce that the only song I heard was called "My Immortal" by Evanescence. I trudge to my laptop and look them up. I find their album "Fallen" and order it. The old man will be mad but he knows it will be for me so he won't ask questions.