Author's Notes:
Hi guys! This is just a little short story I thought of while I was backstage during a performance of Dad's Army last night. During rehearsals, the song "The Teddy Bear's Picnic" has been playing a lot, so I really couldn't resist writing this!
Please note that while the story is mine, the song is 'The Teddy Bear's Picnic' and is sung by Henry Hall. The original melody was composed by John Walter Bratton with lyrics added later by Jimmy Kennedy.
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Major Wolfgang Hochstetter sat down comfortably on his chair by his desk, with his aide standing nearby. He was feeling very excited, because the Gestapo had just developed a new device to listen in on Allied broadcasts and underground radio transmissions, and it was time to test it.
He switched the device on, and immediately a remarkably British sounding song began to play.
"If you go down in the woods today you're sure of a big surprise,
If you go down in the woods today you'd better go in disguise,
For every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain,
Because today's the day the Teddy Bear's have their picnic."
"IV'E GOT HIM, IV'E GOT HIM!" Major Hochstetter shouted at the top of his lungs, slamming his fist down onto his desk in excitement.
"Got who, Herr Major?" asked his aide, respectfully (and wisely) keeping his distance from the excitable Major.
"Papa Bear! He and his men are the teddy bears being talked about in this song, and the woods mentioned must be the woods just outside of Stalag 13. And the meeting must be today like the song said!"
The aide didn't bother asking why Stalag 13 – Major Hochstetter's obsession with Colonel Hogan, an American prisoner there, being Papa Bear was famous.
"Very clever, Herr Major," he praised his superior, unsure of how else to respond.
"Shhh!" responded Hochstetter as the next lyrics began to play.
"Every Teddy Bear who's been good is sure of a treat today,
There's lots of marvellous things to eat and wonderful games to play,
Beneath the trees where nobody sees they'll hide and seek as long as they please,
That's the way the Teddy Bears have their picnic."
Hochstetter jumped out of his chair with excitement, causing a resounding crash as the chair fell backwards on the floor behind.
"What is it, Herr Major?" asked the aide, feeling a little confused.
"The song. It mentions treats, food and games. Papa Bear and his men will meet in the woods, head to Hilda's Hofbrau which is nearby and sabotage something! Then they will go back to the woods to "play hide and seek" – it all makes perfect sense!"
"Picnic time for Teddy Bears,
The little Teddy Bears are having a lovely time today,
Watch them, catch them unawares and see them picnic on their holiday,
See them gaily gad about,
They love to play and shout,
They never have any cares,
At six o'clock their Mummies and Daddies will take them home to bed,
'Cause they're tired little Teddy Bears."
"Six o'clock to bed?" asked the aide. "The Hofbrau opens at five. They must have some early action planned."
"Of course, and we must be very suspicious of any performers at the Hofbrau. The song said that the teddy bears love to gad, play and shout. They will meet in the woods, head to the Hofbrau before six o'clock, eat, perform, sabotage something and then go hide in the woods!"
"And what do you think the song means about Mummies and Daddies, Herr Major?"
Hochstetter looked thoughtful.
"I have it!" he responded after a few seconds. "'Daddies' probably means 'Papa Bear' and therefore 'Mummies' must be Papa Bear's contact, probably London. I expect that Papa Bear and his men have to report straight to London after their sabotage. Maybe London has an air raid planned for tonight after Papa Bear has sabotaged something! We must inform the Luftwaffe – they can deal with that bit. But I will catch Papa Bear tonight!"
Hochstetter fell silent but the excited and slightly crazed expression remained on his face as the song finished.
"If you go down to the woods today you better not go alone,
It's lovely down in the woods today but safer to stay at home,
For every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain,
Because today's the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic."
"BAH!" Hochstetter slammed his fist onto his desk and then winced in pain.
"London think they can warn me off do they? 'Safer to stay at home?' – no way! I will catch Papa Bear, and any other underground agents associated with him!"
With that, Major Hochstetter stormed out of his office, closely followed by his aide. Back in the office, a British voice began an announcement.
"And next on the BBC radio we have a record of Joe Ross and his orchestra performing 'Tiggerty Boo'..."