Title: and all the stupid games we play
Author: OpheliacAngel
Pairings & Characters: Dean/Gabriel
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort
Rating: Teen
Summary: After Sam goes to the pit for him, instead of staying with Lisa, Dean bunks with an apparently not dead and very human Gabriel, where he slowly discovers that maybe being alone is the worst possible option imaginable. AU. Post Swan Song/start of Season 5.
A/N: Getting back into obsessively writing *jumps up and cheers.*
Soundtrack: Staind's 'Fill Me Up'
~I just had to let you know
Cause I don't always let it show
You give me needed room to grow~
There's a voice pulling him out of blessed unconscious, a voice saying his name, and Dean has to think where he is for a moment, almost imagining it's Sam before clearing his head and being yanked back to reality.
Nope, he groans inwardly. It's Gabriel.
"What do you want?" Dean mumbles, exhausted and only opening his eyes for a split second to gauge where Gabriel is, before turning away and closing his eyes again.
"Up," Gabriel insists, and Dean is all too happy to ignore him. Until Gabriel pulls open the curtains and floods the room with bright sunlight. He groans, throwing a pillow over his head, trying and failing to block the light.
"Up what?"
"Get up," Gabriel answers, leaving no room for argument. Though the hunter's just too tired to be afraid to show weakness towards him, or even care about what Gabriel wants for that matter.
"Just because you can't sleep doesn't mean I can't."
Gabriel being recently turned human is starting to really annoy him; he stays up most nights because he claims he can't sleep, so Dean doesn't get much sleep either, what with him complaining loudly and turning the TV on as a distraction, so high you'd think he was half-deaf; plus the part where Gabriel refuses to eat anything Dean gives him and constantly tells Dean how much he hates him, though saying it like he doesn't truly mean it, bunking with his 'sorry ass,' and sulking endlessly due to boredom like a petulant, insufferable child that's been dumped on Dean for some past mistake he's made.
Yep, Dean's pretty much ready to strangle his ass.
Gabriel doesn't leave his bed, pouting again, mumbling something about how he's out of candy and his head and stomach hurts and Dean wonders, oh yes, he always wonders why the hell he's not just throwing Gabriel out. Cause he probably feels a bit sorry for him, that's why, and that small show of pity is going to be the death of him, he can just feel it now.
He throws the pillow at Gabriel before stumbling out of bed, off to the shower. Gabriel will be right where he left him when he gets out of the bathroom, no matter how long he's in there, and Dean tries not to think about how creepy and annoying that is.
If Gabriel actually made himself the slightest bit useful, like maybe go run out and get some coffee and donuts, or actually helped him at least research when Dean got bored and succumbed to the option of a hunt, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
Right now though, Dean's life is torture.
...
(3 weeks earlier)
Dean's mouth drops open in shock as a very familiar person slides into the seat across from him.
"Gonna bunk with you for a while, Deano."
He nearly chokes on his burger, manages to swallow after what seems like forever. "Gabe... Gabriel?"
"The one and only, kiddo," he smiles for a split second before putting on a scowl Dean has never seen before, grabbing a handful of fries off of Dean's plate and chowing down on them.
Dean doesn't even have the words to protest because this must, has to be a hallucination. "What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were dead, Gabriel." Several of the other occupants of the diner glance over at the two of them for a split second before turning away; Dean lowers his voice, leaning forward, "You can't be here right now."
"Why not?" Gabriel pouts, and Dean finds it to be a very strange sight.
"Because..."
He cuts in, "I know what happened, Dean, I know Sam's gone. Which is why I think this is gonna work out." He polishes off the rest of Dean's fries and starts next on the rest of his burger, which had been dropped back on the plate a few moments prior, Dean realizing he suddenly had no appetite anymore, much to his dismay. The hunter stills and quiets for a moment at the mention of Sam, but he can't retreat into himself right now, it's not an option, especially with Gabriel here.
"What's going to work out?"
"Me," Gabriel clarifies, taking another huge bite, "staying with you."
"No freaking way," he slams a ten onto the table and takes off, realizing Gabriel is trailing behind him like a wounded puppy dog that Dean should feel obligated to take home with him. He slides into his baby alongside him too, damn him.
"Just for a little while," and Dean has never seen or expected this before coming from the tricker/archangel himself, has never seen Gabriel look him right in the eye and honestly plead. "Please."
Dean, after a long moment of thought, sighs, "Fine."
It's only a little while later that he considers and slightly panics at what he may just have gotten himself into.
...
He drives, he doesn't know where the hell he's going but he still drives, to clear his head and try to relax, fat chance of that though with Gabriel next to him, and also because he has nothing else better to do. Gabriel doesn't talk much, and something seems off about him, even more than usual, and Dean doesn't like it or trust it one damn bit.
It takes three days of driving and stopping at a motel here or there until he figures it out.
"Human, huh?"
Gabriel tears his eyes away from the window, "Been wondering how long it would take. I overestimated you, Deaney."
"Don't call me that," he snaps, though he can't help the look of pity and curiosity that crosses over his face for a split second. "So," he clears his throat awkwardly, "you fell?"
Apparently, Gabriel feels like sharing without Dean having to use any method of force, which is also typically unlike him. "Nope, woke up and found myself like this. Someone must've resurrected me and then decided to play some type of sick joke."
"Oh yeah, cause that sounds so unfair coming from you." Being the god of tricks and all. And yeah, he keeps that last part to himself because he's not gonna take the risk to say that to his face. Gabriel glares at him, but must realize that being human means he can't actually do anything to the hunter, so he turns away and looks back out the window.
"You were born human," he complains. "You don't know how hard it is to suddenly fall into it without any warning, to just wake up and find your powers completely stripped and your head hurting like someone's been playing football with it."
Dean still feels a little sorry for Gabriel, but not really enough to cut him any slack. "You're just pissed cause you won't be able to trick people anymore. Word of advice, get over it."
And that's the point where Gabriel starts to get angry and make Dean's life a living hell. Being alone, Dean thinks, would definitely be preferable to this.
...
(4 Weeks Later)
The nightmares of hell don't go away after Sam leaves, they only get worse, knowing Sam's the one to suffer in the pit now, knowing Sam's the one screaming for him to come save him, and on these nights, the grief and guilt hits Dean so hard and so fast that sometimes he forgets how to breathe.
Considering Gabriel showed up a day or two after it all happened, Dean didn't get any time to experience them alone, to get a feel for what they were like, to truly realize that he should be alone to save himself from utter embarrassment.
Too late for that now.
Gabriel leaves him alone for the first week or so, Dean opening his eyes, managing to regain consciousness after what seems like an eternity of Sam screaming out for him and horrific images of his baby brother being sliced open endlessly, knowing that no matter how much Dean apologizes or screams, begs for it all to stop, it'll only get worse, and he'll only have to watch it over and over and over again.
Dean can always tell Gabriel's been watching him when he wakes and he hates that, sometimes runs into the bathroom when he thinks about it to upchuck all the day's food before his stomach resorts to dry heaving.
He crawls back to bed after that, lying and sweating on top of the covers, but he doesn't sleep for the rest of the night and he knows Gabriel is watching him, he just can't read the expression on his face in the dark, or figure out what Gabriel's planning, and some nights, some nights it scares him half to death.
...
Gabriel doesn't always leave him alone, or get as far away from Dean as he possibly can, giving him the most privacy he can offer, sometimes even wandering outside and Dean would watch him from the window, trying to gauge what he's thinking.
Sometimes Gabriel shakes his shoulder to get him to wake up, says his name in what Dean doesn't want to admit sounds like desperation. If he doesn't wake, half the time he may give up and let hell have him, the other half he doesn't stop until the hunter looks up at him in surprise and shock from the sweat pouring down his face and out of his eyes that he can't for the life of him call tears, because they aren't, they can't be, not when Gabriel is standing there and obviously seeing them, looking right at him and Dean brushes him off, unable to look back. Sometimes Gabriel sits at the end of Dean's bed and Dean stares at him, not able to look away, thinking the nausea will come back if he does.
And sometimes, only rarely, does Gabriel brush his hand through Dean's hair and smile sadly and seem to mumble 'I'm sorry,' though Dean's pretty sure he's imagining it, there's no way those words could or would ever be coming out of Gabriel's mouth, not for his benefit anyway. And sometimes Dean indulges himself and lets them be real, and then he wants to ask who the hell he is and what the hell he's done with Gabriel, but he knows that this is Gabriel, and he knows that he shouldn't want this doesn't want this but he does want this.
He doesn't want to be alone.
And maybe it's a lie, maybe it's just what he tells himself to justify his decision of letting Gabriel stay.
But Dean's starting to think that he can't tell lies anymore.
...
After a little while of this, Dean stops wanting to go back to the motel when night falls around him, taunting him and trying to tell him how tired he actually is but Dean won't give in, he's a helluva lot tougher than that. He either hangs out in bars drinking or drives around aimlessly, seeking comfort in his baby surrounding him, reassuring him and protecting him. The only home he imagines he has left.
Usually, he can't find the courage to make his way back until two in the morning, sometimes it's so bad that it takes him until dawn hits, so he can escape the night and sleep altogether. It's not that he doesn't want to see Gabriel, it's not that he hates Gabriel or can't bear his sulking, he just doesn't want to sleep, and maybe it's the fact that he just can't handle Gabriel watching him as if he's the one who needs to be protected.
As if he's the one who's letting Dean stay and not the other way around.
And it's pretty fucked up, all of this, and Gabriel will never be a replacement for Sam. But Dean's long since lost the argument he used to have tucked away in his head, the argument that when the time comes, Gabriel would have to go.
...
It's the night that Dean comes back to the motel fairly early, around twelve-thirty in the morning, that things change.
When he opens the door to a completely dark room, Gabriel is standing about a foot away, and he can still make out enough of him in the dark to see that Gabriel seems to be fed up with him. Dean honestly can't imagine why.
His voice cuts through the silence like a knife, and the words sound incredibly reassuring, but he can't believe them. "I'm right here, Dean. Use me."
Dean snorts, shutting the door behind him, "Use you for what?"
But Gabriel comes up on him quicker than he could have imagined, pressing tightly into him and shoving his head closer to his own, kissing him, locking their lips firmly together and Dean gasps in surprise, but only a millisecond after moans and relaxes under Gabriel's touch. Suddenly, it's like the entire room explodes into light, fireworks erupting above his head and between them, and Dean forgets about the whole world right outside the door as Gabriel pulls him away from it and forces him out of his mind, covering up hell and a grotesque, literally falling apart Sam and replacing all those things with his smile, with Gabriel's gentle fingers running through his hair and grounding him.
It comes to a point where Dean doesn't even remember what pain feels like, everything right now is pleasurable and pure joy.
Dean feels warm and at peace and he doesn't know how to explain it, but he realizes that maybe it doesn't quite need explaining. This feels right and he's long since forgotten about what letting go and losing himself in another person who genuinely cares about him and wants him feels like.
Gabriel guides him in the dark towards the bed, slowly but surely undressing him and it's then that Dean considers apologizing, that Gabriel's human and depressed for it, but Gabriel only hushes him, as if already knowing what he's going to say, and he smiles down at him a little. It looks like Gabriel knows exactly what he's doing, and Dean almost doesn't want to let go, almost doesn't want to lose himself entirely in Gabriel's arms, steadying him, eyes glowing in the dark and tracing over every inch of his skin with hunger.
Dean looks up at him in wonder.
"It's okay," he whispers in the dark as he straddles Dean, even though they're the only two in the room. The only two that have something to share. The person Dean is allowing to take away his pain and torment, to give him something he can savor for days to come. "I don't mind, as long as I have you."
As long as I have you.
And that's when Dean realizes that he is Gabriel's, and that maybe that's not such a bad thing after all. And later on, as they lay huddled together underneath the covers, the hunter looking at Gabriel as long as he can before growing too tired to keep his eyes open any longer, in the quiet and still night, the nightmares, for the time being, are crushed.
"You're back," Dean breathes in amazement, coming awake immediately to find the soft, pale light of dawn drifting in through the window and lighting Gabriel up in mind-numbing beauty and glory, feeling the sensation of what must be wings wrapping around him. He smiles and snuggles further into the archangel's embrace.
"Dean. I never left."
FIN