Rick.
I'm not a writer Castle, you know that, so when you hear this don't let your air of superiority get the better of you. Now that we've established my poetic ineptitude, let me carry on.
My Mom, she was weightless. Not in a physical way, but in a personality kind of way. She was ethereal; otherworldly, someone who beyond all bounds of possibility made sense. No strings attached. String can only be pulled apart so far before it breaks though, and she certainly broke. Some all knowing, all seeing being dropped her from a great height and laughed as she fell. In the end she wasn't just broken, she was destroyed. Because death doesn't discriminate and it certainly didn't make any exceptions for her.
It left me broken, shattered. Knowing that the fight for good was her inevitable end, left me wondering if I could ever hope again. It destroyed me. Until you. Castle, you made it count. You made life, death and everything in between feel whole again and even now I can't go a day without feeling like if I hadn't met you, I would never have been me. You created what was her comfort. Through you I knew who I could be. In your strength, I found my hope and in your embrace I found our always.
Always lasted 43 years Castle, and in that time we far exceeded the boundaries of commitment, love and happiness. I want you to always know that the joy you gave me never faltered. The coffees you brought me every morning, the stupid grin on your face every time a conspiracy made its way into the precinct. Our children, our family, our life. It was everything and more. Our always was one to be admired, one to be treasured and even now not having you here, the memories only make up half of who you were. Nothing can ever replace your smile, your voice, your kisses, your touch. It's been so long and yet it only feels like yesterday that we walked into each others lives.
Castle, I tell you this with a gratitude that only you could ever receive. You pulled me out of darkness, out of danger and brought me to where I could be happy. We spent years dancing around each other, in an effort to recognise that both of us wanted the exact same thing, and even though we weren't yet together those memories are some of the best.
You didn't want a funeral, you didn't want a party, you didn't want a celebration. So instead I give you this. I give you the words that when you were here with me, I could never quite convey. I wish so much for this to show just how much you meant, but nothing; no amount of words, ever will. You were beyond life, beyond happiness. Castle, extraordinary doesn't begin to describe who you were and the impact you made.
Four beautiful children, each one of them extraordinary like you. You told me you never wanted to leave me, you told me you were sorry, you told me to forgive you. Castle, I would never blame you for not wanting to fight anymore. Everything comes to an end; the last lines of a book, the ending of a film, the last bite of a Smorelette, you were no exception. I could never hold you accountable for wanting to surrender.
The streets were ashy and dull the day you died, it was unsettling. The way you feel when you go into an abandoned warehouse, or when you're the first to walk outside after a fresh snowfall; that feeling of complete hopelessness and lack of understanding about the world we live in. It was the same feeling I got after my Mom died. I knew it would happen, I knew that was the day. You passed away grasping at my hand and pulling at my heart. You died not in fear, but in agony that it was the end of us. In the same way I cried for you in those last moments, the world knew it had lost one of its greatest. The rain didn't stop, the sun didn't shine and yet I felt at peace. Castle, I never wanted you to leave, but we both knew it was your time. Time for our always to be at rest for a little while, until we found each other again.
My words, my heart and my love all belong to you Castle. Nothing will ever hold quite as much of me as you did. Together we were challenging, maddening, frustrating, extraordinary. Our always was quite the fairytale. So thank you, because without you that young, broken detective would never have found a way out.
All my love, Kate
Always.