Notes: I don't own GW, but we all know that. Also, the play "Wit" by Margaret Edson inspired this. (You might notice some things from there.) It was also a movie. If you havent read the play or seen the movie, I recommend it. Please R&R. Feedback is much appreciated. ^_^
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I won't lie and say that I was always as strong as I am now. Training to be a Gundam pilot forced me to grow up with some inner and outer strength that no child should ever need to possess. But all my training included how to deal with outward opponents, ones that could easily be blown up if nothing else worked. That was the strength that I had. I was brave, strong, smart and virtually fearless, but that changed when I was faced with a kind of enemy that Doctor J hadn't prepared me for.
~ ~ ~ ~
I sat next to Duo, relaxing in the shuttle seat as we made our way slowly back to Earth and glancing over at him every few minutes. He had remained completely silent so far and ignored every attempt I made at simple conversation. I understood, though. He had a lot on his mind, no doubt thinking about the Maxwell Church and L2 as it used to be.
We had been on a Preventers mission on L2, working to diminish a small group of rebels. The job took less than a month to complete and Duo, despite having recognized some of the rebels from a certain episode of his past, focused and worked hard until it was over. He didn't talk about it. From what showed on his face, he didn't even think about it. But I knew he did.
Now he was quiet. Free of the obligation of our work, we were able to relax and focus on whatever we wished. He seemed to be letting himself remember things as I chose to put my attention on him, examining his face for any signs that he needed comforting. He showed no pain though, only the look he gets when he's in deep thought.
I put my hand on his, trying to catch his attention. He turned and looked at me, a small smile briefly flashing across his face before vanishing again.
"You ok?" I asked.
He turned and smiled again, intending to say nothing. I held his gaze for a few seconds though, forcing an answer out of him. "Just thinking," he mumbled.
I knew it was a touchy subject, but I couldn't stand this silence. "About the church?" I asked.
He nodded in response and I knew from the look on his face *just* what was bothering him. I tightened my grip on his hand to reassure him. "Don't worry," I whispered as he laid his head on my shoulder, "I'm not going anywhere."
I felt him nod and we sat in silence for the rest of the trip home.
~ ~ ~ ~
Finding someone you like, a friend, under normal circumstances, is a good thing. Finding someone to love, more than a friend, while participating in war, is a miracle. A miracle happened to me.
The relationship between us was, at first, was a simple one. We were partners; we worked well together. It developed into a slight friendship where we both comforted each other when the memories became hard to deal with. We talked to each other and found consolation in each other's presence. It gradually grew from there. I guess it was a part of me that was excited by him. No, not *that* part. But some part of me liked the fact that he was something I couldn't control, yet have control over at the same time. It was a partnership between us, no complete domination either way. He was something - someone - that I could protect. One person whom I could focus my attention on and have him do the same.
Never once was I concerned about the fact that we were both males.
After the war, Duo and I left space and found ourselves a home on Earth. We had lived there for a good two years before we had to leave it. But that comes later.
A little more than a year after that mission on L2 had us settled into a life that neither of us was willing to give up too easily. I honestly couldn't think of anything more that I wanted or needed. Duo and I were happy.
The house we bought together wasn't a big one; only two bedrooms and one bath. Of course, we only used one of the bedrooms for its purpose. The other was quickly turned into a study, computer, exercise and storage room combined. The kitchen was small, only separated from the dining room by an island. The living room, however, was our favorite room in the house. The couch was thick and more comfortable than our bed. Fixed in front of it was a simple TV set that often entertained us until we moved to entertain ourselves.
During the week we saw little of each other and more of our laptops and files. Every morning around seven we would head to work at the Preventers Earth base, taking on cases and missions to assure that the peace we had achieved remained. I was making good money and in the process worked to correct some of the horror I had caused as a Gundam pilot. We woke up an hour early to go jogging in the Creve Coeur Park, no more than five minutes from our house. This simple, quiet time spent together became a ritual that was never broken.
About a month after we moved in, Duo came home with Fabio. A medium sized Golden Retriever, Fabio had been abandoned and Duo spotted him when he just happened to wander into the local humane society. Despite my initial doubt, Fabio (whose name Duo had come up with) became part of the family and on mornings that weren't too hot outside, he would often come with us on our morning jog.
Fabio seemed to bring things out of us that remained dormant before. It's hard to describe how animals can have that effect on you, how they can just be there, being themselves, completely honest and request little to nothing in return for the love they give.
Quatre, Trowa and Wufei were also there, working their own schedules but still toward the same cause. Quatre Winner, while still monitoring his father's business, worked diligently within the Preventers making sure that any drastic action was taken with the consent of the people. He moved some of his things out of that mansion of his and lived mainly out of a small, L4 apartment. He was often visited by Trowa.
Trowa Barton, while maintaining his good-listener reputation, often worked with Quatre but was more of a behind-the-scenes man. He did a lot of paperwork and had lunch with Wufei on the afternoons they were both stuck working on their computers all day. He visited Quatre quite often, whenever his schedule permitted, always spending no less than seven hours with the blonde who he happily sported as his love.
Wufei Chang, while still alone and honoring the memory of his lost wife, buried himself in his work; coming to the office in the morning around six and leaving no earlier than one o'clock at night (technically the next morning). Despite the commanding cadence of his life, Wufei seemed to enjoy it. I suppose he was gratified that he was rectifying his mistakes.
I rarely spoke to any of them, but now and then something would come up and we would get a chance to catch up. Other than that, everyone seemed to be moving on with the lives they had been blessed to keep. We were all moving on.
I was happy. Actually happy. Compared to the rest of my life, when self-satisfaction wasn't a concern I was allowed to have, I was now in heaven. It took a long time to get away from my training instincts and be somewhat normal. I let myself seek indulgence and pleasure and everything that I had to ignore as a pilot. I have always acted on my emotions; it's just that when in battle, when killing hundreds of people - possibly some innocent - emotions do you no good. They only get in the way. I was in constant training and battle for the vast majority of my life and now I had the chance to do whatever the hell I wanted, when I wanted and in the fucking nude if that's what I wanted.
Duo's love of talking never ceased and became a normal background noise that I never thought I would miss. However hard he tried at first, the constant smiles and jokes eventually faded a bit and let me see what lie beneath.
There was a lot more to him than met the eye; I figured that out before the war was over. But as our relationship deepened, I learned more about him, his past and all of it in increasing detail. His childhood was just as tormented as mine and that caused both of us trouble as we grew up. The control I had learned to have over myself, however, made it a bit easier for me to deal with it, especially because I knew that my childhood torture had a purpose.
His past, though, was nothing more than misfortune. Now he had to deal with memories that most of us shared on top of similar ones from before the wars started. He told me about living on the streets, about starving and stealing. He told me about the church that took him in and about the Father and Sister that cared for him more than anyone had before. He told me about how everyone, including those two, who got close to him, died. This caused him to fear that *everyone* he got really close to would die, hence his habit to keep all his friends only so close. I made a promise not to leave him. It took a long time for both of us to get over our fears and believe that nothing would happen between us unless we let it happen.
~ ~ ~ ~
It started as a small pain now and then. Sometimes I would get tired in the middle of the day, but most of the time I could ignore it. The fatigue slowly became dizzy spells; one incident in particular stands out in my mind. It was a nice day and we decided to take Fabio along with us on our morning jog. We weren't too far along on the trail when it happened.
"Heero?"
Duo stopped running and turned to crouch in front of me, indigo eyes full of concern. I was kneeling in the middle of the trail, one hand holding my throbbing head.
It just hit me like a sudden tidal wave. I first noticed, not long after we left the house that I was a little tired, but then when we got here, it got a lot worse. Jogging along side Duo, I felt this sudden… weakness come over me. My legs gave out and my head was immediately enveloped in dizziness while darkness danced on the edge of my vision. The ground in front of me was twisting, moving and staying still at the same time. I shut my eyes, trying to concentrate and will the pain in my head to disappear. My heart felt like it was beating in my head, pounding my brain against my skull. I felt sweat begin to form on my forehead. I think I heard Duo saying something, but his voice was so slurred and distant.
I could feel something moist nudging my arm and though I couldn't process much thought at the time, I unconsciously knew it was Fabio.
Catching my breath, I calmed as my head stopped spinning. The blackness haloing my vision faded away, taking the dizziness with it. I worked to handle my breath and heart beat and finally got control over myself.
Duo crouched in front of me and searched my face to find out if I was ok. I think I managed a weak smile.
"You alright?" He put his hands on my shoulders, helping me keep my balance. I looked up at him and nodded, but I don't think he believed me. I didn't believe me.
The world took a few minutes to return to normal; both Duo's and Fabio's concerned eyes watching me. When my body had settled down, I tried to stand up only to be forced back down when the dizziness returned to assault my head. It lasted a few seconds, not even a fraction as long as before, then backed off.
"Sure, you're just fine…" Duo grabbed me and forced me to my feet, helping me lean on him for balance, Fabio trailing behind us.
~ ~ ~ ~
This was just one of the worst occurrences. It wasn't always so bad that it brought me to my knees, but it was enough to be noticed. I think it was around the fourth time that Duo began to grow suspicious. He tried to get me to go to the doctor, but stubborn me refused to go. Sometimes, I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't been there to break my fall. He always helped me to the couch or to the nearest bench when I got dizzy. I was always sure to thank him afterward.
I told him I could deal with it. I knew, however, that something was wrong. As far back as I can remember I have never once gotten sick. Never once have I been rendered completely helpless - not including times of unconsciousness. These dizzy spells were really bothering me; I thought about them frequently, especially when I would get a headache and fear the onset of another attack. I was worried, but I couldn't let Duo see that. I really didn't want to bother him with this.
And it wasn't only the dizziness and headaches that concerned me. It was the fact that I could do nothing to stop them.
But I still told him I could take care of myself - I can set my own broken bones, I can jump from a high rise building and open my parachute too late and still be ok - a little dizziness wasn't that bad.
But it got bad.
~ ~ ~ ~
A good day was coming to an end and as Duo was cooking our dinner, I slipped under the hot spray of the shower. My shoulder muscles were a little tense so I stood with my back under the water for a few minutes. Not long had passed when two hands slid over my eyes.
Initial instinct told me to fight, but, recognizing the smell of Duo's hands and feeling the familiar mouth on my neck, I relaxed. He proceeded to plant small kisses along my neck and the back of my shoulders, nipping and sucking here and there. I leaned back against him, my eyes still covered.
He slowly lowered his hands from my eyes, moving them to hug my chest and body against him. I lifted my hand to touch his hair that was quickly becoming drenched and turned my head to kiss him directly. Our lips met, remaining in a chaste kiss for less than a second before becoming passionate. As our tongues brushed against each other and the kiss deepened, I turned around so that we were facing each other, my arms snaking up to hug his neck.
Blood rushed to my cheeks and groin, heating my skin and causing my spine to tingle.
We broke the kiss, leaning forehead to forehead and looking into each other's eyes. A small smile flashed across his face before he went to kiss me again.
"Aren't you cooking something," I gasped between kisses. He responded, after giving me an evil grin, by devouring my mouth, thrusting in his tongue. His hand held my head and pulled me to drown in him.
His hands roamed over me as mine did him and still the hot water cascaded around us. He ground his pelvis against me, using his hands to pull my hips closer. A tension began to rise in my stomach, one telling me that I needed him - now. The heat in the stall rose, fueled by the increasingly hot water and the bodies under it. My skin began to burn and my chest slowly constricted, tightening and shortening my breaths.
I had to break the kiss; I abruptly pulled away, breathing deeply while my heart began to race. I recognized the feeling.
The heat finally became too much and tore open the shower curtain, exposing myself to the cool air. Forgetting about Duo, I held onto the wall and took in large gulps of air.
"What's wrong?" Duo pleaded. I couldn't answer him.
~ ~ ~ ~
Bruises began to form on my knees where I had fallen in the park, and other places that had only been tapped. The fatigue became more frequent and the dizzy spells more severe. Duo, after a long discussion, convinced me to go see Dr. Sterkyl, the Preventers' resident doctor.
The doctor took some blood tests and called us about a week and a half later, asking us to come into his office.
~ ~ ~ ~
We sat on the opposite side of the desk from the small, bearded man in two plush chairs. He looked between us, waiting for our reaction.
The blood tests had come back. They weren't good.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Yuy." Dr. Sterkyl looked at me intently, "There are treatments we can try…"
The Caruso Virus. Why did that name sound familiar?
I hadn't noticed when, but sometime during the conversation Duo's hand had found mine and was now firmly grasping it for support. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze just before he turned his attention to the man in front of us. "But… how?"
"No one knows for sure what causes the virus," the doctor replied, "The last serious outbreak was about twelve years ago, but that was on a colony," - now I knew where I had heard the name before. The L2 Virus. - "Perhaps you contracted the virus when in space - you said you visited the colony L2 a little over a year ago. It is possible that you were infected then."
"Nn…" I nodded and caught a glance at the boy beside me. He was avoiding my gaze, concentrating on Dr. Sterkyl.
"There are treatments, right?" Duo's voice was shaking, "I know there are…" I wished so badly at that moment to be able to hold and comfort him, to tell him that I would be all right. I knew that he had experienced the effects of this virus before and I knew, as it was to me, a shock for him. Looking at his eyes, coldness shot through me. I could see the fear he was trying to conceal and some of it rubbed off on me.
"Well," Dr. Sterkyl began flipping through a folder on his desk, "it seems that in the year it has traveled through your system, Mr. Yuy, the cells have evolved and advanced to previously unknown stages." He paused for a few moments. "It has, in fact, reached cancer status. I would suggest a chemotherapeutic agent for now, but everything we have to try is all experimental in this case. There are four stages to the chemo, each lasting about a month. You'll receive treatment, be tired for the following week and then be ok for the next two. The cycle repeats throughout each phase. During the first stage of chemo, I would like to hospitalize you, Mr. Yuy, for observation. To see how your body reacts to the treatment."
I nodded again, absentmindedly. I didn't agree; I didn't want to spend any time in the hospital, especially now that I had something to come home to.
"And the chemo will cure him?" I could tell by his voice that Duo was trying his best to be composed. My little idiot was failing miserably.
"The L2 Virus we knew of could be. In this case, the chemo may only help a little," I felt Duo wince at his words. "But remission can be achieved with the right treatment."
Reaching into his desk, the man retrieved a sheet of paper on a clipboard. "Should you decide to go through with the treatment, you must sign this consent form, Mr. Yuy, and we can admit you right away." He passed the paper and a pen to me.
My eyes scanned the paper and my head filled with so many opposing thoughts. The thought of spending a few weeks in the hospital was… not desirable. But dying from cancer was also not desirable. Leaving Duo was simply out of the question. I had a promise to keep. And not to mention, I was a soldier, a Gundam pilot. I could handle this.
I quickly signed my name on the line. As I passed the clipboard and pen back to the doctor, Duo's grip on my hand tightened.
Dr. Sterkyl rose from his seat and proceeded to lead us to the main wing of the hospital.
It was hell. I sat in a cold white room with nothing on but a thin cloth robe. Duo sat in a chair opposite the examination table; hands clenched together, eyes focused on the floor. He looked so frail, as if he was the sick one. I knew his head was swarming, I knew how much he had come to depend on me and how upset he was now. "Duo…"
The door to the small room opened and a thin, young nurse entered with a large tray with an assortment of needles and bottles. She smiled at me before examining my general health and taking much more blood that I would have preferred. She then left the room, returning a second later with a wheelchair.
"I can walk."
Both the nurse and Duo looked up at me, they seemed surprised. "But…" I think I made the nurse nervous, her voice was small and unsteady. She didn't have to say anything more; one glance at Duo's pleading face had me sitting in the chair being pushed down the hall to my room.
It was small, with a large bed, chair, sliding table and a TV attached to the wall in the corner. The bed looked comfortable enough, but the thought of sleeping in it for a week and maybe more, all alone, didn't set well with me. I was facing hell. A cramped bathroom next to the door and a window overlooking the highway; my room for the next few weeks. Yay.
The nurse injected an IV into my wrist and then injected something else from a syringe before quickly moving out of the room, leaving Duo and I alone.
"Duo…" I tried, but he cut me off.
"I'm fine."
I knew he wasn't, neither was I. The fact that for the next few weeks, I would be stuck in a hospital bed, being treated for an evolved version of the L2 Virus, away from him, hung heavily in our heads.
~ ~ ~ ~
So, Heero Yuy, Gundam Wing Zero pilot, trained so-called "Perfect Soldier" now faced an enemy that he was not trained to fight.
It wasn't something I knew how to fight; it wasn't something that I felt I *could* fight. Lying in that sanitized bed the first night, I felt a fear I hadn't experienced before.
Cancer. Cancel.
I know that during the war I was fully prepared to die - to save the colonies, I *had* to be prepared for it. But the war was over. I was living with Duo, and something in me was now scared, actually scared to die.
It had only been two years, but in that short time of living with him, I became closer to him than any other person in my whole life. Yes, he really is the first person I have ever become attached to, but still. I wasn't ready to die anymore. I wasn't ready. I wanted to be with Duo now.
That first night, something was strange. I had more of a blanket than I usually sleep with, but I was so cold. Sleeping alone was not something I was used to anymore, and I discovered that it was something that I really didn't like. Fear was invading me from all sides, but I shut it out. I had to focus and beat this. I had to get well again, if for nothing or no one else but Duo.
I was all alone and I couldn't sleep. I stayed up all night, thinking about him and this whole situation that I currently found myself in.
After the first sleepless night, I started the chemotherapy. The drug Dr. Sterkyl had decided to use was put in a drip bag and an additional needle was stuck into my arm to allow the drug access to my system. It was on there for a while, injecting the drug straight into my veins to kill the cancerous cells.
A few days after the first chemo session, I began to feel the lovely side effects. I was completely drained, so much that I could scarcely move from the bed on some occasions. But I was surviving.
You can't imagine how time weighs so heavily. How it can move so slowly, like there is so little of it, but there is so much of it; it never ends. I spent long hours just lying in that bed with nothing but my own thoughts to occupy me.
Duo visited me when he had time, usually looking as though he hadn't slept in days. He tried to avoid the subject of my cancer, successfully putting it off until I was out of the hospital. I also steered clear of the subject and put on a determined face if for nothing else but to comfort him. I stayed in that room longer than expected, twice as long to be precise and was finally allowed to go home - bringing with me no less than six separate kinds of pills to take. Whatever these doctors think, it's very… screwed up. Six different pills, six different reasons to take them, six different sets of side effects.
~ ~ ~ ~
I pushed back the covers, fighting with my stomach to hold its contents until I could get to the toilet. It was sometime around two in the morning and thankfully I hadn't woken up Duo when I emerged from the bed.
The nausea rolled up my throat, threatening to reject the little food I had been able to keep down at dinner. I stood up, wincing at the coldness of the room, made it halfway to the bathroom and collapsed. My body was so drained of energy, I couldn't make it. My legs refused to carry me further and my head began to spin. My stomach adjusted, forcing some vomit up my throat and onto the carpet in front of me before I could prevent it.
A hand helped me up, and Duo worked to steady me as he led me to the bathroom and positioned me in front of the toilet. My stomach, having held on too long, convulsed, pushing up that night's soup and the meds I had swallowed a few hours earlier. The most revolting taste filled my mouth as the vomit strained its way into the porcelain basin.
Duo held my head, making sure no stray hair was caught in the fall of semi-digested food.
After a few minutes of hovering over the toilet, my stomach decided it had nothing else to get rid of. I sat back, resting against the bathtub, trying to catch my breath and ease my nausea. I don't know when Duo left my side, but he was suddenly handing me a cup of water to rinse the taste from my mouth. I gladly took the water into my mouth and spit it back up. Apparently my stomach wasn't completely done.
Finally it stopped and I was able to breathe again. We remained on the bathroom floor, wrapped in each other's arms. He stroked my hair, whispering soft words to calm me.
~ ~ ~ ~
That was one of the worst nights, when I needed Duo to be there to help me throw up. I couldn't even get to the bathroom by myself. He was working to pay for my doctor bills, making my meals, driving me to my chemo sessions once a week, helping me when I couldn't make it to the bathroom… He was doing everything for me. I might as well have died; I had become so useless. Shame and frustration began to overwhelm me; I hated this.
But the constant battle within myself was not just the illness and the drugs, but also the fear and the bravery. Half of me wanted to curl into a little ball and cry for no reason but out of fear. The other half knew this was not a possibility, not an option. I had to be strong and beat this. I *had* to survive. I had to be there for Duo.
The only bit of familiarity I had left was our morning jogs which, after much persuasion, Duo let continue.
Duo, however, remained composed - at least in the beginning. He didn't let me slip too far away, keeping who I was now from reverting back into "Perfect Soldier" mode. He had never lost his talent to make me smile.
~ ~ ~ ~
It was about a week after that night and I hadn't had any problems with my stomach since. I still suffered from a little nausea, but it wasn't nearly as severe as before. I was sitting in the car, waiting as Duo came running from the front door and bounding into the driver's seat.
July 4th had come upon us without warning. Duo hadn't even realized the holiday was so close until the night before and had then insisted on getting up early to go buy fireworks.
We pulled out of the driveway and ten minutes later pulled up in front of a small shack and tent just off the highway. Painted white with a large service window and a sign overhead reading "Molly Black's Fireworks", the shack was small and it seemed impossible to fit the supply she claimed to have. The tent next to it, however, had rows of fireworks and other holiday trinkets. The isles were dotted with a rainbow of colors - mostly red, white and blue, though - and placed so that one had to weave their way to the register, giving them plenty of time to see something to buy.
Duo led the way, his hand around my wrist, dragging me under the giant red tent. Grabbing things here and there, he explained what each item was and what kind of display it put on.
"See, Heero, this is a 'Shagadellic Mojo'," Duo explained, holding up a small, colorful box. "It makes *huge* color bursts with sparkling tips!"
Placing the box inside a basket (I couldn't even remember when he picked one up), he moved on. He bounced down the isle, still pulling me along. A contented smile was wide across his face - something that hadn't been there for a long time. I was glad to see it.
"*This* is good stuff. It's called 'Rain of Fire'. It's got lots of explosions, lots of noise and all red!" I smiled at his enthusiasm as he tossed the box into the cart and continued on.
By the time we reached the register, we had two baskets full of pyrotechnics. The total came to $178.32 and little to my surprise, Duo pulled out the precise amount. This boy knew way too much about explosions and the cheapest way to create them.
By the time we finished loading the bags into the SUV trunk, it was past one o'clock and past lunchtime. Duo climbed into the seat next to me with a big smile on his face. "Man, am I hungry. Want to go out for lunch?"
Again, I couldn't help but smile. It had been at least a month since that genuine smile of his had been there. I nodded and he leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. With another smile, he started the car.
It wasn't long until we reached the restaurant. SmallPepper's was a street corner establishment with a long history in the city. The business had been there for at least twenty years, owned and run by a short Italian man named Lorenzo Cierra. Most of the restaurant was inside, but a few umbrella-topped tables dotted the wide sidewalk outside the front door. The building was painted a dark green, accented with red and orange. There were a few windows, but most of them were covered with thick red and white curtains. The lighting inside was low and each tabletop sported a decorative candle (the ones outside being special 'OFF! Brand' to keep bugs away. The place itself, along with most of the area around it, smelled heavily of barbeque and beer. The music inside was loud enough to hear outside, but not too loud that one couldn't hear the voices of their company.
Duo and I sat ourselves at an outside table and a little more than an hour later had us finished with our meals and finishing conversation. We hadn't spoken about anything serious - completely avoiding the subject of cancer - and focused mostly on the usual things; the things we used to talk about on leisure afternoons. Sports, weather, work, Fabio, news; anything to keep talking as if nothing was wrong.
We arrived home, an ecstatic Fabio waiting by the front door, just in time for me to take my meds. Taking my meds meant that in a half hour's time I would be fast asleep. I downed the six pills and took a seat next to Duo on the couch. Leaning back, I positioned myself to lie on the couch with Duo in my arms. As he flipped through the channels, anxiously passing time until it was dark outside, I rested my face behind his head and breathed in his scent. I loved the way his hair smelled and how if felt against my cheeks. Like tropical scented silk.
I don't remember when I fell asleep, all I know is that Duo pulled himself off of the couch and out of my arms. Jerking awake, I looked up at him through bleary eyes. He bent over so his face was an inch from mine and said, "C'mon, it's dark out. Firework time." That said, he laid a small peck on my nose and disappeared into the kitchen.
Fabio came up to me as I was sitting up. His tail swayed and he looked up at me with large, almond eyes. I gave him a quick pet on the head and stood, slowly making my way out to the backyard to join Duo.
My eyes now clear and adjusted, I looked around the yard. Duo had already laid out a large blanket and was currently lining up the fireworks we had purchased hours earlier. On one of the blanket's corners sat a small breakfast-in-bed tray holding a bottle of wine and two glasses.
"Mornin' Sunshine!" He smiled at me and placed the last firework on the ground. No doubt he had set up some sort of system to automatically set off each individual firework and therefore saving him the work.
"How did you set all this up so fast?" I asked him.
"These things take skill," he replied with a wink. "Sit down."
I did as told, stretching my legs out in front of me and leaning back on my palms.
Fabio showed up at my side, lying next to me and placing his head in my lap. He gave the look he always gives and I obediently began to rub his head. I really wonder who is in charge sometimes.
"Ok," Duo called to me, "Ready?"
"As we'll ever be."
"Ok!" He lit the first firework on fire and sprinted to sit next to me.
The lit firework shot up into the air with a loud hiss before exploding seconds later. A large burst of red filled the sky as a piercing boom hit my ears. The red lights shot out in every direction from a single point then fell in a miniature shower of red sparks. Just as the red specks faded away, another firework shot up to the stars. There was a thunderous crack of the explosion as a multi-colored circle erupted above us. A second later, two more, smaller, circles blasted apart next to the original, larger one.
As those slowly disappeared, the neighbors began to set off some fireworks of their own. A screeching corkscrew-like firework shot upwards, accompanied by two others. The three twisters, one red, one white and one blue, spiraled up and up until they just faded out. Then, without warning, three explosions erupted at once.
The continuing line of our fireworks shot of as neighbors around us did the same. The sky was no longer the dark blue it was when I came outside, but an array of colors and lights and shapes.
Duo and I lay together, Fabio next to me, on the blanket. The display stopped for a few minutes as we got ourselves some wine, but soon returned. We relaxed together for the rest of the summer night, watching the fireworks above us.
Never once did Duo say anything about my cancer, never once did he tell me to stop because he was worried I would hurt myself. It was the best night I had ever spent on Earth.
~ ~ ~ ~
For a few weeks after the Fourth of July, I was transferred over to a new medication that worked twice a fast, but cost twice as much as the previous one. By that time I had been put on vacation time by the Preventers to focus my energy on getting myself better and not on fixing others' lives.
So, new doubled price and half the income.
Duo took on a few side jobs to make more money and I saw him less and less often. At first I was all right with it but when we stopped jogging, my strength began to crumble.
~ ~ ~ ~
It was around midnight when I decided to leave our room and see why he had remained in the living room. As I made my way down the steps, the morning's argument rushed through my head.
We had skipped our morning jog and Duo had been out all day working. When he had returned home, he went straight to the computer for more work. All I wanted was for him to have dinner with me, to spend just two hours with me out of the entire day and watch a movie or something. He tried to brush me off but I kept trying. I had come to depend on his upbeat smile to lighten even the most serious situations. I needed that now.
But he kept working. I can't really remember what exactly was said but neither of us had kept any control over our tongues and both of us had blurted things out just for the hell of hurting the other. I knew what he'd said wasn't true, that he loved me and had only said those things in the heat of anger and he knew that was the same case with me. But the anger was still there. I still wanted some time with him and he still had to work to pay for my treatment.
I entered the living room to see Duo sprawled out on the couch, sleeping deeply over some papers. The lamp next to the couch was on and the coffee table was covered with papers and his laptop.
Standing over him, I saw the paper for what they were - bills and checks. Bills for my medications and hospital bills and an unending list of other costs.
I felt my heart tug. I knew he was doing all of this only because he didn't want me to be sick. He just wanted to help me. But where along the line had he lost his love for life? Why had he stopped forcing me to really *live* life with him? Not that it really mattered, though. The damage was done and now I was standing over him as he lie sleeping.
I felt guilty for being selfish - for wanting to spend time with Duo when he was thinking only of me and getting me better. Reaching down and pushing him over, I made room for myself on the couch.
I lied down in front of him, feeling his familiar warmth on my back. An arm snaked around my waist and pulled me closer. He nuzzled my neck and kissed me in apology. We curled up together and did nothing but exist in each other's arms. It was a night I didn't want to end. I just wanted that particular moment to last forever. I wanted the world to leave us alone to be happy. Together.
Nothing that good lasts forever. So I cherished it.
~ ~ ~ ~
The rest of the summer carried on slowly. I kept taking all those pills, and I kept up my visits to the hospital. Despite all the effort we went to and pain I endured, the cancer wasn't being affected. In fact, it seemed that the medicines were doing no good at all. The cancer seemed to be building immunity to the drugs and the symptoms returned. I had more dizzy spells, more bruises and an almost non-stop headache.
After two weeks of no improvement, Dr. Sterkyl suggested something. He suggested transferring me to a specialized hospital on L2. He suggested we move to the colony for my treatment. This, as you could imagine, was something we didn't want to do.
The hospital he suggested, St. John's Mercy Medical Center and Cancer Treatment Facility, was one of the best-rated hospitals amongst the colonies. With a large staff and an excellent outpatient program, St. John's was one of the leading facilities on cancer research and treatment (second only to a larger, university hospital on Earth).
Dr. Sterkyl had called ahead and discovered that because our status as Preventers, they acquired an apartment for us to live in during the treatment cycles. The insurance through the Preventers would pay all of our expenses and the hospital, upon discovering our history as Gundam pilots, offered financial help for the medical bills.
Duo immediately agreed, not willing, I guess, to let this opportunity pass. I was grateful that he cared, but I was also hesitant… about everything.
Within a month, everything was arranged and we were moving to L2. Just like during the trip back from L2 two years ago, Duo remained silent throughout most of the shuttle ride. He had been talking less and less since my diagnosis, and I was aching to hear him say something. Anything.
I just wanted things to be normal. I was so frustrated with my life; I just wanted a little while to be normal. I had grown up being trained for war. I fought in the war. The war ended and I finally go a taste of normalcy. I liked it. I liked getting up early to go jogging with Duo before work. I liked that my work didn't involve killing people. I liked the fact that I could take care of Duo and myself. Then, after only a few short years of that, all this happens. I have cancer. The L2 Virus that has mutated to Caruso Virus Mutated Cancer or CVMC, to be specific. Then I am told that I have to leave my home and move to an unfamiliar apartment on L2. The new, mutated form of the L2 virus is incurable and the only thing I can do is put up with the treatment's side effects. One of which makes me so weak that I am as pathetic as a child.
I couldn't stand having him take care of me and slowly I began to resent him for it. I wished that he would just stop and let me do some things for myself. I wasn't sickly all the time, during my resting periods - the week or so that I wasn't receiving treatment - I was fine, I could have done things for myself, but Duo wouldn't let me. Resentment grew in me and there were times where I found myself wanting to just scream at him, to yell at him to stop taking care of me.
But Duo was very adamant to me getting better and I couldn't blame him for it. I knew that neither of us wanted to move out of our house; to leave the lives we'd had since the war. I think I was actually more afraid to leave it than Duo was. That house was the first stable, comforting thing in my life. I didn't want things to change. Sometimes it just gets to be too much. I had to be strong, though. More than anything, I wanted to keep my promise to Duo. If moving to L2 was the cost… then… so be it. I had to be strong for Duo. I wasn't going to risk adding more concern and fear to his already faltered demeanor. So I acted like I didn't mind so much, acted indifferent to the move and continued to encourage Duo that I would be ok. I had to be.
Inside, I was terrified. And I managed to keep it hidden… for a while.
~ ~ ~ ~
We had been living in the L2 apartment for less than a week; I had been on the intensive treatment for only two days. The increase in medication flowing through my veins affected me immediately. Dr. Basil, a chubby Italian woman with thick, dark hair, was my new doctor and treatment manager. She told me on the first day that things would be increasingly hard throughout the next few weeks; even though the treatment would be working, I was going to be suffering from increased symptoms and some completely new ones as well. She was right. The first evening, I had a dizzy spell stronger than ever that brought me crumbling to the floor, lasting long enough and strong enough to cause me to pass out. The next morning, after forcing myself to eat something, I threw it all up and sat in the bathroom for over an hour, curled up in nausea. At lunch later that day, I had absolutely no appetite and my nose began to bleed.
I immediately went to the bathroom and, tearing off some toilet paper, placed it over my nose and leaned my head back. I took a deep breath and waited as I felt the blood dry on the tissue.
After a few moments, I lowered my hand and glanced at the now red tissue before catching a glance of myself in the mirror. My skin was pale and I was, if it was possible, thinner. I could remember when the blue jeans I was wearing were snug on me, but were now hanging off my hips. The black tank top I had on did little to show off my form, only revealing a small bruise on my upper chest.
I leaned on the sink counter and glared at myself. A droplet of blood crept out of my left nostril and I had seen enough. My fist flew forward and I was then looking at many smaller versions of myself reflecting in the shattered mirror.
I quickly regretted it when Duo came in to see what the noise was about. "What happened?" he asked with hide eyes, examining the mirror and my scratched fist.
"Nothing," I replied with that usual, monotone voice I am known so well for. I looked away from him, unconsciously rubbing my hand.
"Heero, what's wrong?"
He tried to come towards me, but I moved aside, sliding past him and into the hallway. "Nothing," I repeated sternly. I knew better than to think he would leave it there, but I was hoping. He didn't. Instead he followed me as I tried to escape into our bedroom.
"Heero. What the hell was *that* about?"
"It was *nothing*!"
He was taken aback for a second but quickly recovered. "Oh, and *nothing* requires you to punch the mirror?" I didn't answer him. I sat on the end of the bed and closed my eyes, trying to ignore him. Something was going through my head; I just didn't know what it was or how to deal with it. "Heero, are you not feeling well? Dr. Basil said-"
"I don't care!" I cut him off. I couldn't take it anymore. "I *don't* care." I stood up and faced him directly, the blood still peeking out of my nose. "I am sick of doctors telling me everything! I know enough to know that this shit isn't helping! I am sick of the treatments! I am sick of the medicines! I am sick of feeling weak! I am so sc-"
I had to stop. I took a deep breath, putting my palms over my eyes and rubbing them. I sat back down on the bed and leaned forward to calm myself. The room fell silent for a few moments and the tension thinned into awkwardness. I continued to take deep breaths; I could feel another dizzy spell coming on and I didn't think I could handle another one.
I felt the bed give a little as Duo sat down beside me. He remained quiet for a couple of seconds. I think he was about to say something when I spoke first. I couldn't keep quiet any longer. "I feel like I am failing you. I don't want to break my promise to you; I don't want to die. I'm scared to die." I kept silent after that. I stared straight ahead; I couldn't bear to look at him.
"Heero," he whispered, "I'll take care of you-"
"No! You-" I realized what a mistake it was to stand up when I was overwhelmed with blackness.
~ ~ ~ ~
I vaguely remember waking up a few times to throw up. I think once I even threw up on someone. But I finally I woke up lying in a sanitized room with an IV coming out of the back of my hand.
"Hey…"
I turned my gaze to Duo. He sat next to the bed, his hand resting on mine. In a split second, my stomach lurched, my hand shot to my mouth and Duo guided me to the bucket attached to the side of my bed. As my stomach emptied whatever contents it had, I could feel Duo's soothing touch on my back. He waited until there was nothing left in me before pushing a button next to the bucket and settling me back in the bed.
A thin nurse with black hair and dark skin came into the room, a large friendly smile upon her face. "Nausea again?" she asked with some pity. I saw Duo nod slightly before handing her the bucket, the contents of my stomach sloshing around inside.
The nurse measured my output before checking my stats and leaving the room with another smile. "I'll be back in about twenty minutes for the next session, ok?" she commented and was gone. I held my hand upon my stomach, cradling the pained area. Closing my eyes, I tried to concentrate - maybe if I focused hard enough this would all turn out to be a dream.
When I opened my eyes again, Duo was running his hand across my head, caressing my hair. "Heero." I tried to move but I found my body in too much pain. My stomach cramped and my head was engulfed in fever. "Heero," he whispered, "I'm sorry."
Wait. "For what?" I managed to croak out.
"Everything. All of this." I could feel the pain in his voice and it just made it worse that I could do nothing to comfort him. Something came to me.
"I'm not being cured am I?"
He choked back the tears and shook his head. I realized that I was gripping his hand in mine, squeezing it as if to assure myself that he was real. "So what now?" I asked.
"I don't know," he sobbed. Tears were coming down his face now, his cheeks flushing with sadness. "They said they're gonna try a new drug and a Morphine drip to help with the pain."
I nodded in response. A Morphine drip. That meant more time here. "I'm being hospitalized?"
"Yeah."
Great.
~ ~ ~ ~
The nurse had given me two options. I wasn't being cured of the cancer and the cells had even spread throughout my body. My immune system was useless, inhibited by the various treatments. Everything was a health risk to me, including Duo. He refused to stay away from me though; when they put me in isolation, he used his persuasion techniques to convince them that he would be visiting me whenever he wanted. I was helpless. Much more so than before. And I wasn't being cured. So the nurse told me - I had two choices. I could choose A) and be what they call "Full Code". This means that if my heart should stop, they would call a Code Blue and work to resuscitate me. Or I could choose B) and be DNR - Do Not Resuscitate. They would just let my heart stop.
I honestly wanted both. On one hand I had a promise to keep and a life to live - if you could really call it living anymore. On the other hand, my body was weak and dying already, I didn't know how much more of the treatment I could take.
"Duo, you choose."
He looked surprised when I said that. "Heero, you know which one I'd choose-"
"Then that's it," I looked over to the nurse. "I'll be Full Code." I dismissed her and she left.
"Heero I don't want you to do this if-"
"There's no other choice, Duo."
He didn't respond, only lowered his head and sat in silence. "I just," Duo mumbled, "want you to be ok with the decision is all."
"I am." I answered quickly, not giving myself any time to think about it. I really didn't want to be having this conversation. This was not something that I wanted to think about - the war was over, I shouldn't have had to think about death anymore.
"Heero, will you just stop playing the tough guy for a few minutes and tell me what you really think?"
It was said in such a stern, determined and accusing voice, I didn't know how to react. His words cut through me, demanding an answer that I didn't want to give. So I looked away. I couldn't look him in the eye because if I did… I just couldn't. That simple.
But he persisted. "Heero! Damn it! What the fuck is your problem?"
I wondered if he had meant it. I knew better - he was frustrated and understandably so. I felt guilty and turned to look at him, deciding that I had no other choice. "I don't want this to happen." It was only a whisper, but he heard me instantly understood. At least I hoped he did. A bit of anger began to rise - why was he pushing this? Why couldn't he just go back to acting like he always did and start to cheer me up again?
I was scared - scared to die, scared to be without Duo, scared that I had become so close to him in just a few months that after one night away from him, I had been aching to see him again. Most of all, I was scared that I would break my promise. I have never dealt with fear… I just sort of - changed - it into something else. This time, instead of something useful, the fear became anger.
I watched his face lower to look at his hands. He stayed silent, not saying anything or making any noise that could be interpreted as an answer. Then in a soft voice, he said, "Do you not think I'm scared too?"
"I know," I said quickly, my voice a bit agitated, "you love me, Duo-"
"No, Heero, you don't understand. I do love you, but that's not it. The first person I loved, the only person I had as family when I was on the streets, was a kid named Solo," I knew that, he had mentioned him before… "What I didn't tell you is that he contracted the L2 virus. By the time I got a hold of the cure, it was too late." His eyes were glistening with tears. "I let him go. It was my fault he died. I should have worked harder to get the medicine. I should have… done… something more than I did. He died in my arms. I love you, Heero, and I don't want to lose you."
The last sentence was said through a choked sob. I hadn't known those things. I should have. Guilt, sadness and regret overcame the anger I had felt moments before. None of it showed on my face, though. I wouldn't let it. I think he understood though - after having been with each other for so long, we had long ago learned to see through each others' masks.
I could see through his just as well as I hoped he could see through mine. He was scared to his very soul of loosing someone else and my heart nearly broke with the need to comfort him.
Our hands were together, fingers intertwined and holding tightly. Pulling my arm, I dragged him into bed with me. I ignored the IV and the little protests that escaped him. Once he was settled, once we were lying face to face in each other's arms, though, he went quiet.
There was so much I wanted to say at that moment, but I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't know how to tell him that I loved him more than anything else in the world. More than I cared for my own life. I didn't know how to tell him that I would be ok and make him believe me. Both of us were skeptics at this point.
Even though both of us were terrified, and I never said I was sorry -though I should have - it was good to have a night in his arms again.
~ ~ ~ ~
The nurse came in to check me as Duo was in the restroom. The thin woman checked my IV and examined the machines around me. "How are you feeling today, Mr. Yuy?"
I didn't respond. I just lay there, seemingly sleeping.
She shrugged and began taking down my vitals, marking things on a chart on a clipboard she had. She reached for my wrist, checking my pulse as she did every evening. A look of concern passed over her face and she pressed harder, trying to get a pulse that wasn't there.
"Shit…"
In immediate action, she reached across me and dialed a number on the phone. "Code Blue in room 117!!" Duo came out of the bathroom as she began performing CPR on my, pushing on my chest and checking my heartbeat every few pumps.
"What's going on?" Duo asked as a whole team of technicians rushed into the room.
"No heart beat-"
"Unit staff out!"
"Bicarb amp!"
"I got it!"
"One, two, three, four, five…"
My body lurched but no pulse returned. Duo was trying to get to me but a technician shoved him aside. "Move it!"
"Who's he?"
"I don't know - get him out of here!"
"No!" Duo threw the tall man away as he tried to move Duo out of the room. He turned on him, staring with the face of death at him. "He's my husband! I will *not* leave!!"
"What d'you get?"
"No pulse!"
"Again then!"
"Clear!"
Duo was shrinking in the corner, his bravery gone. Tears ran down his face as he forced himself to watch me, his eyes never leaving my dead face. "No," he sobbed quietly, "You promised! Please…" His face was no longer recognizable, the strong features of a man who had survived so much was replaced by the begging expression of a child. A child whose world was crashing down.
"No pulse!"
"He's gone."
There was so much I wanted to say, but didn't. I broke my promise.
==========================
I won't lie and say that I was always as strong as I am now. Training to be a Gundam pilot forced me to grow up with some inner and outer strength that no child should ever need to possess. But all my training included how to deal with outward opponents, ones that could easily be blown up if nothing else worked. That was the strength that I had. I was brave, strong, smart and virtually fearless, but that changed when I was faced with a kind of enemy that Doctor J hadn't prepared me for.
~ ~ ~ ~
I sat next to Duo, relaxing in the shuttle seat as we made our way slowly back to Earth and glancing over at him every few minutes. He had remained completely silent so far and ignored every attempt I made at simple conversation. I understood, though. He had a lot on his mind, no doubt thinking about the Maxwell Church and L2 as it used to be.
We had been on a Preventers mission on L2, working to diminish a small group of rebels. The job took less than a month to complete and Duo, despite having recognized some of the rebels from a certain episode of his past, focused and worked hard until it was over. He didn't talk about it. From what showed on his face, he didn't even think about it. But I knew he did.
Now he was quiet. Free of the obligation of our work, we were able to relax and focus on whatever we wished. He seemed to be letting himself remember things as I chose to put my attention on him, examining his face for any signs that he needed comforting. He showed no pain though, only the look he gets when he's in deep thought.
I put my hand on his, trying to catch his attention. He turned and looked at me, a small smile briefly flashing across his face before vanishing again.
"You ok?" I asked.
He turned and smiled again, intending to say nothing. I held his gaze for a few seconds though, forcing an answer out of him. "Just thinking," he mumbled.
I knew it was a touchy subject, but I couldn't stand this silence. "About the church?" I asked.
He nodded in response and I knew from the look on his face *just* what was bothering him. I tightened my grip on his hand to reassure him. "Don't worry," I whispered as he laid his head on my shoulder, "I'm not going anywhere."
I felt him nod and we sat in silence for the rest of the trip home.
~ ~ ~ ~
Finding someone you like, a friend, under normal circumstances, is a good thing. Finding someone to love, more than a friend, while participating in war, is a miracle. A miracle happened to me.
The relationship between us was, at first, was a simple one. We were partners; we worked well together. It developed into a slight friendship where we both comforted each other when the memories became hard to deal with. We talked to each other and found consolation in each other's presence. It gradually grew from there. I guess it was a part of me that was excited by him. No, not *that* part. But some part of me liked the fact that he was something I couldn't control, yet have control over at the same time. It was a partnership between us, no complete domination either way. He was something - someone - that I could protect. One person whom I could focus my attention on and have him do the same.
Never once was I concerned about the fact that we were both males.
After the war, Duo and I left space and found ourselves a home on Earth. We had lived there for a good two years before we had to leave it. But that comes later.
A little more than a year after that mission on L2 had us settled into a life that neither of us was willing to give up too easily. I honestly couldn't think of anything more that I wanted or needed. Duo and I were happy.
The house we bought together wasn't a big one; only two bedrooms and one bath. Of course, we only used one of the bedrooms for its purpose. The other was quickly turned into a study, computer, exercise and storage room combined. The kitchen was small, only separated from the dining room by an island. The living room, however, was our favorite room in the house. The couch was thick and more comfortable than our bed. Fixed in front of it was a simple TV set that often entertained us until we moved to entertain ourselves.
During the week we saw little of each other and more of our laptops and files. Every morning around seven we would head to work at the Preventers Earth base, taking on cases and missions to assure that the peace we had achieved remained. I was making good money and in the process worked to correct some of the horror I had caused as a Gundam pilot. We woke up an hour early to go jogging in the Creve Coeur Park, no more than five minutes from our house. This simple, quiet time spent together became a ritual that was never broken.
About a month after we moved in, Duo came home with Fabio. A medium sized Golden Retriever, Fabio had been abandoned and Duo spotted him when he just happened to wander into the local humane society. Despite my initial doubt, Fabio (whose name Duo had come up with) became part of the family and on mornings that weren't too hot outside, he would often come with us on our morning jog.
Fabio seemed to bring things out of us that remained dormant before. It's hard to describe how animals can have that effect on you, how they can just be there, being themselves, completely honest and request little to nothing in return for the love they give.
Quatre, Trowa and Wufei were also there, working their own schedules but still toward the same cause. Quatre Winner, while still monitoring his father's business, worked diligently within the Preventers making sure that any drastic action was taken with the consent of the people. He moved some of his things out of that mansion of his and lived mainly out of a small, L4 apartment. He was often visited by Trowa.
Trowa Barton, while maintaining his good-listener reputation, often worked with Quatre but was more of a behind-the-scenes man. He did a lot of paperwork and had lunch with Wufei on the afternoons they were both stuck working on their computers all day. He visited Quatre quite often, whenever his schedule permitted, always spending no less than seven hours with the blonde who he happily sported as his love.
Wufei Chang, while still alone and honoring the memory of his lost wife, buried himself in his work; coming to the office in the morning around six and leaving no earlier than one o'clock at night (technically the next morning). Despite the commanding cadence of his life, Wufei seemed to enjoy it. I suppose he was gratified that he was rectifying his mistakes.
I rarely spoke to any of them, but now and then something would come up and we would get a chance to catch up. Other than that, everyone seemed to be moving on with the lives they had been blessed to keep. We were all moving on.
I was happy. Actually happy. Compared to the rest of my life, when self-satisfaction wasn't a concern I was allowed to have, I was now in heaven. It took a long time to get away from my training instincts and be somewhat normal. I let myself seek indulgence and pleasure and everything that I had to ignore as a pilot. I have always acted on my emotions; it's just that when in battle, when killing hundreds of people - possibly some innocent - emotions do you no good. They only get in the way. I was in constant training and battle for the vast majority of my life and now I had the chance to do whatever the hell I wanted, when I wanted and in the fucking nude if that's what I wanted.
Duo's love of talking never ceased and became a normal background noise that I never thought I would miss. However hard he tried at first, the constant smiles and jokes eventually faded a bit and let me see what lie beneath.
There was a lot more to him than met the eye; I figured that out before the war was over. But as our relationship deepened, I learned more about him, his past and all of it in increasing detail. His childhood was just as tormented as mine and that caused both of us trouble as we grew up. The control I had learned to have over myself, however, made it a bit easier for me to deal with it, especially because I knew that my childhood torture had a purpose.
His past, though, was nothing more than misfortune. Now he had to deal with memories that most of us shared on top of similar ones from before the wars started. He told me about living on the streets, about starving and stealing. He told me about the church that took him in and about the Father and Sister that cared for him more than anyone had before. He told me about how everyone, including those two, who got close to him, died. This caused him to fear that *everyone* he got really close to would die, hence his habit to keep all his friends only so close. I made a promise not to leave him. It took a long time for both of us to get over our fears and believe that nothing would happen between us unless we let it happen.
~ ~ ~ ~
It started as a small pain now and then. Sometimes I would get tired in the middle of the day, but most of the time I could ignore it. The fatigue slowly became dizzy spells; one incident in particular stands out in my mind. It was a nice day and we decided to take Fabio along with us on our morning jog. We weren't too far along on the trail when it happened.
"Heero?"
Duo stopped running and turned to crouch in front of me, indigo eyes full of concern. I was kneeling in the middle of the trail, one hand holding my throbbing head.
It just hit me like a sudden tidal wave. I first noticed, not long after we left the house that I was a little tired, but then when we got here, it got a lot worse. Jogging along side Duo, I felt this sudden… weakness come over me. My legs gave out and my head was immediately enveloped in dizziness while darkness danced on the edge of my vision. The ground in front of me was twisting, moving and staying still at the same time. I shut my eyes, trying to concentrate and will the pain in my head to disappear. My heart felt like it was beating in my head, pounding my brain against my skull. I felt sweat begin to form on my forehead. I think I heard Duo saying something, but his voice was so slurred and distant.
I could feel something moist nudging my arm and though I couldn't process much thought at the time, I unconsciously knew it was Fabio.
Catching my breath, I calmed as my head stopped spinning. The blackness haloing my vision faded away, taking the dizziness with it. I worked to handle my breath and heart beat and finally got control over myself.
Duo crouched in front of me and searched my face to find out if I was ok. I think I managed a weak smile.
"You alright?" He put his hands on my shoulders, helping me keep my balance. I looked up at him and nodded, but I don't think he believed me. I didn't believe me.
The world took a few minutes to return to normal; both Duo's and Fabio's concerned eyes watching me. When my body had settled down, I tried to stand up only to be forced back down when the dizziness returned to assault my head. It lasted a few seconds, not even a fraction as long as before, then backed off.
"Sure, you're just fine…" Duo grabbed me and forced me to my feet, helping me lean on him for balance, Fabio trailing behind us.
~ ~ ~ ~
This was just one of the worst occurrences. It wasn't always so bad that it brought me to my knees, but it was enough to be noticed. I think it was around the fourth time that Duo began to grow suspicious. He tried to get me to go to the doctor, but stubborn me refused to go. Sometimes, I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't been there to break my fall. He always helped me to the couch or to the nearest bench when I got dizzy. I was always sure to thank him afterward.
I told him I could deal with it. I knew, however, that something was wrong. As far back as I can remember I have never once gotten sick. Never once have I been rendered completely helpless - not including times of unconsciousness. These dizzy spells were really bothering me; I thought about them frequently, especially when I would get a headache and fear the onset of another attack. I was worried, but I couldn't let Duo see that. I really didn't want to bother him with this.
And it wasn't only the dizziness and headaches that concerned me. It was the fact that I could do nothing to stop them.
But I still told him I could take care of myself - I can set my own broken bones, I can jump from a high rise building and open my parachute too late and still be ok - a little dizziness wasn't that bad.
But it got bad.
~ ~ ~ ~
A good day was coming to an end and as Duo was cooking our dinner, I slipped under the hot spray of the shower. My shoulder muscles were a little tense so I stood with my back under the water for a few minutes. Not long had passed when two hands slid over my eyes.
Initial instinct told me to fight, but, recognizing the smell of Duo's hands and feeling the familiar mouth on my neck, I relaxed. He proceeded to plant small kisses along my neck and the back of my shoulders, nipping and sucking here and there. I leaned back against him, my eyes still covered.
He slowly lowered his hands from my eyes, moving them to hug my chest and body against him. I lifted my hand to touch his hair that was quickly becoming drenched and turned my head to kiss him directly. Our lips met, remaining in a chaste kiss for less than a second before becoming passionate. As our tongues brushed against each other and the kiss deepened, I turned around so that we were facing each other, my arms snaking up to hug his neck.
Blood rushed to my cheeks and groin, heating my skin and causing my spine to tingle.
We broke the kiss, leaning forehead to forehead and looking into each other's eyes. A small smile flashed across his face before he went to kiss me again.
"Aren't you cooking something," I gasped between kisses. He responded, after giving me an evil grin, by devouring my mouth, thrusting in his tongue. His hand held my head and pulled me to drown in him.
His hands roamed over me as mine did him and still the hot water cascaded around us. He ground his pelvis against me, using his hands to pull my hips closer. A tension began to rise in my stomach, one telling me that I needed him - now. The heat in the stall rose, fueled by the increasingly hot water and the bodies under it. My skin began to burn and my chest slowly constricted, tightening and shortening my breaths.
I had to break the kiss; I abruptly pulled away, breathing deeply while my heart began to race. I recognized the feeling.
The heat finally became too much and tore open the shower curtain, exposing myself to the cool air. Forgetting about Duo, I held onto the wall and took in large gulps of air.
"What's wrong?" Duo pleaded. I couldn't answer him.
~ ~ ~ ~
Bruises began to form on my knees where I had fallen in the park, and other places that had only been tapped. The fatigue became more frequent and the dizzy spells more severe. Duo, after a long discussion, convinced me to go see Dr. Sterkyl, the Preventers' resident doctor.
The doctor took some blood tests and called us about a week and a half later, asking us to come into his office.
~ ~ ~ ~
We sat on the opposite side of the desk from the small, bearded man in two plush chairs. He looked between us, waiting for our reaction.
The blood tests had come back. They weren't good.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Yuy." Dr. Sterkyl looked at me intently, "There are treatments we can try…"
The Caruso Virus. Why did that name sound familiar?
I hadn't noticed when, but sometime during the conversation Duo's hand had found mine and was now firmly grasping it for support. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze just before he turned his attention to the man in front of us. "But… how?"
"No one knows for sure what causes the virus," the doctor replied, "The last serious outbreak was about twelve years ago, but that was on a colony," - now I knew where I had heard the name before. The L2 Virus. - "Perhaps you contracted the virus when in space - you said you visited the colony L2 a little over a year ago. It is possible that you were infected then."
"Nn…" I nodded and caught a glance at the boy beside me. He was avoiding my gaze, concentrating on Dr. Sterkyl.
"There are treatments, right?" Duo's voice was shaking, "I know there are…" I wished so badly at that moment to be able to hold and comfort him, to tell him that I would be all right. I knew that he had experienced the effects of this virus before and I knew, as it was to me, a shock for him. Looking at his eyes, coldness shot through me. I could see the fear he was trying to conceal and some of it rubbed off on me.
"Well," Dr. Sterkyl began flipping through a folder on his desk, "it seems that in the year it has traveled through your system, Mr. Yuy, the cells have evolved and advanced to previously unknown stages." He paused for a few moments. "It has, in fact, reached cancer status. I would suggest a chemotherapeutic agent for now, but everything we have to try is all experimental in this case. There are four stages to the chemo, each lasting about a month. You'll receive treatment, be tired for the following week and then be ok for the next two. The cycle repeats throughout each phase. During the first stage of chemo, I would like to hospitalize you, Mr. Yuy, for observation. To see how your body reacts to the treatment."
I nodded again, absentmindedly. I didn't agree; I didn't want to spend any time in the hospital, especially now that I had something to come home to.
"And the chemo will cure him?" I could tell by his voice that Duo was trying his best to be composed. My little idiot was failing miserably.
"The L2 Virus we knew of could be. In this case, the chemo may only help a little," I felt Duo wince at his words. "But remission can be achieved with the right treatment."
Reaching into his desk, the man retrieved a sheet of paper on a clipboard. "Should you decide to go through with the treatment, you must sign this consent form, Mr. Yuy, and we can admit you right away." He passed the paper and a pen to me.
My eyes scanned the paper and my head filled with so many opposing thoughts. The thought of spending a few weeks in the hospital was… not desirable. But dying from cancer was also not desirable. Leaving Duo was simply out of the question. I had a promise to keep. And not to mention, I was a soldier, a Gundam pilot. I could handle this.
I quickly signed my name on the line. As I passed the clipboard and pen back to the doctor, Duo's grip on my hand tightened.
Dr. Sterkyl rose from his seat and proceeded to lead us to the main wing of the hospital.
It was hell. I sat in a cold white room with nothing on but a thin cloth robe. Duo sat in a chair opposite the examination table; hands clenched together, eyes focused on the floor. He looked so frail, as if he was the sick one. I knew his head was swarming, I knew how much he had come to depend on me and how upset he was now. "Duo…"
The door to the small room opened and a thin, young nurse entered with a large tray with an assortment of needles and bottles. She smiled at me before examining my general health and taking much more blood that I would have preferred. She then left the room, returning a second later with a wheelchair.
"I can walk."
Both the nurse and Duo looked up at me, they seemed surprised. "But…" I think I made the nurse nervous, her voice was small and unsteady. She didn't have to say anything more; one glance at Duo's pleading face had me sitting in the chair being pushed down the hall to my room.
It was small, with a large bed, chair, sliding table and a TV attached to the wall in the corner. The bed looked comfortable enough, but the thought of sleeping in it for a week and maybe more, all alone, didn't set well with me. I was facing hell. A cramped bathroom next to the door and a window overlooking the highway; my room for the next few weeks. Yay.
The nurse injected an IV into my wrist and then injected something else from a syringe before quickly moving out of the room, leaving Duo and I alone.
"Duo…" I tried, but he cut me off.
"I'm fine."
I knew he wasn't, neither was I. The fact that for the next few weeks, I would be stuck in a hospital bed, being treated for an evolved version of the L2 Virus, away from him, hung heavily in our heads.
~ ~ ~ ~
So, Heero Yuy, Gundam Wing Zero pilot, trained so-called "Perfect Soldier" now faced an enemy that he was not trained to fight.
It wasn't something I knew how to fight; it wasn't something that I felt I *could* fight. Lying in that sanitized bed the first night, I felt a fear I hadn't experienced before.
Cancer. Cancel.
I know that during the war I was fully prepared to die - to save the colonies, I *had* to be prepared for it. But the war was over. I was living with Duo, and something in me was now scared, actually scared to die.
It had only been two years, but in that short time of living with him, I became closer to him than any other person in my whole life. Yes, he really is the first person I have ever become attached to, but still. I wasn't ready to die anymore. I wasn't ready. I wanted to be with Duo now.
That first night, something was strange. I had more of a blanket than I usually sleep with, but I was so cold. Sleeping alone was not something I was used to anymore, and I discovered that it was something that I really didn't like. Fear was invading me from all sides, but I shut it out. I had to focus and beat this. I had to get well again, if for nothing or no one else but Duo.
I was all alone and I couldn't sleep. I stayed up all night, thinking about him and this whole situation that I currently found myself in.
After the first sleepless night, I started the chemotherapy. The drug Dr. Sterkyl had decided to use was put in a drip bag and an additional needle was stuck into my arm to allow the drug access to my system. It was on there for a while, injecting the drug straight into my veins to kill the cancerous cells.
A few days after the first chemo session, I began to feel the lovely side effects. I was completely drained, so much that I could scarcely move from the bed on some occasions. But I was surviving.
You can't imagine how time weighs so heavily. How it can move so slowly, like there is so little of it, but there is so much of it; it never ends. I spent long hours just lying in that bed with nothing but my own thoughts to occupy me.
Duo visited me when he had time, usually looking as though he hadn't slept in days. He tried to avoid the subject of my cancer, successfully putting it off until I was out of the hospital. I also steered clear of the subject and put on a determined face if for nothing else but to comfort him. I stayed in that room longer than expected, twice as long to be precise and was finally allowed to go home - bringing with me no less than six separate kinds of pills to take. Whatever these doctors think, it's very… screwed up. Six different pills, six different reasons to take them, six different sets of side effects.
~ ~ ~ ~
I pushed back the covers, fighting with my stomach to hold its contents until I could get to the toilet. It was sometime around two in the morning and thankfully I hadn't woken up Duo when I emerged from the bed.
The nausea rolled up my throat, threatening to reject the little food I had been able to keep down at dinner. I stood up, wincing at the coldness of the room, made it halfway to the bathroom and collapsed. My body was so drained of energy, I couldn't make it. My legs refused to carry me further and my head began to spin. My stomach adjusted, forcing some vomit up my throat and onto the carpet in front of me before I could prevent it.
A hand helped me up, and Duo worked to steady me as he led me to the bathroom and positioned me in front of the toilet. My stomach, having held on too long, convulsed, pushing up that night's soup and the meds I had swallowed a few hours earlier. The most revolting taste filled my mouth as the vomit strained its way into the porcelain basin.
Duo held my head, making sure no stray hair was caught in the fall of semi-digested food.
After a few minutes of hovering over the toilet, my stomach decided it had nothing else to get rid of. I sat back, resting against the bathtub, trying to catch my breath and ease my nausea. I don't know when Duo left my side, but he was suddenly handing me a cup of water to rinse the taste from my mouth. I gladly took the water into my mouth and spit it back up. Apparently my stomach wasn't completely done.
Finally it stopped and I was able to breathe again. We remained on the bathroom floor, wrapped in each other's arms. He stroked my hair, whispering soft words to calm me.
~ ~ ~ ~
That was one of the worst nights, when I needed Duo to be there to help me throw up. I couldn't even get to the bathroom by myself. He was working to pay for my doctor bills, making my meals, driving me to my chemo sessions once a week, helping me when I couldn't make it to the bathroom… He was doing everything for me. I might as well have died; I had become so useless. Shame and frustration began to overwhelm me; I hated this.
But the constant battle within myself was not just the illness and the drugs, but also the fear and the bravery. Half of me wanted to curl into a little ball and cry for no reason but out of fear. The other half knew this was not a possibility, not an option. I had to be strong and beat this. I *had* to survive. I had to be there for Duo.
The only bit of familiarity I had left was our morning jogs which, after much persuasion, Duo let continue.
Duo, however, remained composed - at least in the beginning. He didn't let me slip too far away, keeping who I was now from reverting back into "Perfect Soldier" mode. He had never lost his talent to make me smile.
~ ~ ~ ~
It was about a week after that night and I hadn't had any problems with my stomach since. I still suffered from a little nausea, but it wasn't nearly as severe as before. I was sitting in the car, waiting as Duo came running from the front door and bounding into the driver's seat.
July 4th had come upon us without warning. Duo hadn't even realized the holiday was so close until the night before and had then insisted on getting up early to go buy fireworks.
We pulled out of the driveway and ten minutes later pulled up in front of a small shack and tent just off the highway. Painted white with a large service window and a sign overhead reading "Molly Black's Fireworks", the shack was small and it seemed impossible to fit the supply she claimed to have. The tent next to it, however, had rows of fireworks and other holiday trinkets. The isles were dotted with a rainbow of colors - mostly red, white and blue, though - and placed so that one had to weave their way to the register, giving them plenty of time to see something to buy.
Duo led the way, his hand around my wrist, dragging me under the giant red tent. Grabbing things here and there, he explained what each item was and what kind of display it put on.
"See, Heero, this is a 'Shagadellic Mojo'," Duo explained, holding up a small, colorful box. "It makes *huge* color bursts with sparkling tips!"
Placing the box inside a basket (I couldn't even remember when he picked one up), he moved on. He bounced down the isle, still pulling me along. A contented smile was wide across his face - something that hadn't been there for a long time. I was glad to see it.
"*This* is good stuff. It's called 'Rain of Fire'. It's got lots of explosions, lots of noise and all red!" I smiled at his enthusiasm as he tossed the box into the cart and continued on.
By the time we reached the register, we had two baskets full of pyrotechnics. The total came to $178.32 and little to my surprise, Duo pulled out the precise amount. This boy knew way too much about explosions and the cheapest way to create them.
By the time we finished loading the bags into the SUV trunk, it was past one o'clock and past lunchtime. Duo climbed into the seat next to me with a big smile on his face. "Man, am I hungry. Want to go out for lunch?"
Again, I couldn't help but smile. It had been at least a month since that genuine smile of his had been there. I nodded and he leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. With another smile, he started the car.
It wasn't long until we reached the restaurant. SmallPepper's was a street corner establishment with a long history in the city. The business had been there for at least twenty years, owned and run by a short Italian man named Lorenzo Cierra. Most of the restaurant was inside, but a few umbrella-topped tables dotted the wide sidewalk outside the front door. The building was painted a dark green, accented with red and orange. There were a few windows, but most of them were covered with thick red and white curtains. The lighting inside was low and each tabletop sported a decorative candle (the ones outside being special 'OFF! Brand' to keep bugs away. The place itself, along with most of the area around it, smelled heavily of barbeque and beer. The music inside was loud enough to hear outside, but not too loud that one couldn't hear the voices of their company.
Duo and I sat ourselves at an outside table and a little more than an hour later had us finished with our meals and finishing conversation. We hadn't spoken about anything serious - completely avoiding the subject of cancer - and focused mostly on the usual things; the things we used to talk about on leisure afternoons. Sports, weather, work, Fabio, news; anything to keep talking as if nothing was wrong.
We arrived home, an ecstatic Fabio waiting by the front door, just in time for me to take my meds. Taking my meds meant that in a half hour's time I would be fast asleep. I downed the six pills and took a seat next to Duo on the couch. Leaning back, I positioned myself to lie on the couch with Duo in my arms. As he flipped through the channels, anxiously passing time until it was dark outside, I rested my face behind his head and breathed in his scent. I loved the way his hair smelled and how if felt against my cheeks. Like tropical scented silk.
I don't remember when I fell asleep, all I know is that Duo pulled himself off of the couch and out of my arms. Jerking awake, I looked up at him through bleary eyes. He bent over so his face was an inch from mine and said, "C'mon, it's dark out. Firework time." That said, he laid a small peck on my nose and disappeared into the kitchen.
Fabio came up to me as I was sitting up. His tail swayed and he looked up at me with large, almond eyes. I gave him a quick pet on the head and stood, slowly making my way out to the backyard to join Duo.
My eyes now clear and adjusted, I looked around the yard. Duo had already laid out a large blanket and was currently lining up the fireworks we had purchased hours earlier. On one of the blanket's corners sat a small breakfast-in-bed tray holding a bottle of wine and two glasses.
"Mornin' Sunshine!" He smiled at me and placed the last firework on the ground. No doubt he had set up some sort of system to automatically set off each individual firework and therefore saving him the work.
"How did you set all this up so fast?" I asked him.
"These things take skill," he replied with a wink. "Sit down."
I did as told, stretching my legs out in front of me and leaning back on my palms.
Fabio showed up at my side, lying next to me and placing his head in my lap. He gave the look he always gives and I obediently began to rub his head. I really wonder who is in charge sometimes.
"Ok," Duo called to me, "Ready?"
"As we'll ever be."
"Ok!" He lit the first firework on fire and sprinted to sit next to me.
The lit firework shot up into the air with a loud hiss before exploding seconds later. A large burst of red filled the sky as a piercing boom hit my ears. The red lights shot out in every direction from a single point then fell in a miniature shower of red sparks. Just as the red specks faded away, another firework shot up to the stars. There was a thunderous crack of the explosion as a multi-colored circle erupted above us. A second later, two more, smaller, circles blasted apart next to the original, larger one.
As those slowly disappeared, the neighbors began to set off some fireworks of their own. A screeching corkscrew-like firework shot upwards, accompanied by two others. The three twisters, one red, one white and one blue, spiraled up and up until they just faded out. Then, without warning, three explosions erupted at once.
The continuing line of our fireworks shot of as neighbors around us did the same. The sky was no longer the dark blue it was when I came outside, but an array of colors and lights and shapes.
Duo and I lay together, Fabio next to me, on the blanket. The display stopped for a few minutes as we got ourselves some wine, but soon returned. We relaxed together for the rest of the summer night, watching the fireworks above us.
Never once did Duo say anything about my cancer, never once did he tell me to stop because he was worried I would hurt myself. It was the best night I had ever spent on Earth.
~ ~ ~ ~
For a few weeks after the Fourth of July, I was transferred over to a new medication that worked twice a fast, but cost twice as much as the previous one. By that time I had been put on vacation time by the Preventers to focus my energy on getting myself better and not on fixing others' lives.
So, new doubled price and half the income.
Duo took on a few side jobs to make more money and I saw him less and less often. At first I was all right with it but when we stopped jogging, my strength began to crumble.
~ ~ ~ ~
It was around midnight when I decided to leave our room and see why he had remained in the living room. As I made my way down the steps, the morning's argument rushed through my head.
We had skipped our morning jog and Duo had been out all day working. When he had returned home, he went straight to the computer for more work. All I wanted was for him to have dinner with me, to spend just two hours with me out of the entire day and watch a movie or something. He tried to brush me off but I kept trying. I had come to depend on his upbeat smile to lighten even the most serious situations. I needed that now.
But he kept working. I can't really remember what exactly was said but neither of us had kept any control over our tongues and both of us had blurted things out just for the hell of hurting the other. I knew what he'd said wasn't true, that he loved me and had only said those things in the heat of anger and he knew that was the same case with me. But the anger was still there. I still wanted some time with him and he still had to work to pay for my treatment.
I entered the living room to see Duo sprawled out on the couch, sleeping deeply over some papers. The lamp next to the couch was on and the coffee table was covered with papers and his laptop.
Standing over him, I saw the paper for what they were - bills and checks. Bills for my medications and hospital bills and an unending list of other costs.
I felt my heart tug. I knew he was doing all of this only because he didn't want me to be sick. He just wanted to help me. But where along the line had he lost his love for life? Why had he stopped forcing me to really *live* life with him? Not that it really mattered, though. The damage was done and now I was standing over him as he lie sleeping.
I felt guilty for being selfish - for wanting to spend time with Duo when he was thinking only of me and getting me better. Reaching down and pushing him over, I made room for myself on the couch.
I lied down in front of him, feeling his familiar warmth on my back. An arm snaked around my waist and pulled me closer. He nuzzled my neck and kissed me in apology. We curled up together and did nothing but exist in each other's arms. It was a night I didn't want to end. I just wanted that particular moment to last forever. I wanted the world to leave us alone to be happy. Together.
Nothing that good lasts forever. So I cherished it.
~ ~ ~ ~
The rest of the summer carried on slowly. I kept taking all those pills, and I kept up my visits to the hospital. Despite all the effort we went to and pain I endured, the cancer wasn't being affected. In fact, it seemed that the medicines were doing no good at all. The cancer seemed to be building immunity to the drugs and the symptoms returned. I had more dizzy spells, more bruises and an almost non-stop headache.
After two weeks of no improvement, Dr. Sterkyl suggested something. He suggested transferring me to a specialized hospital on L2. He suggested we move to the colony for my treatment. This, as you could imagine, was something we didn't want to do.
The hospital he suggested, St. John's Mercy Medical Center and Cancer Treatment Facility, was one of the best-rated hospitals amongst the colonies. With a large staff and an excellent outpatient program, St. John's was one of the leading facilities on cancer research and treatment (second only to a larger, university hospital on Earth).
Dr. Sterkyl had called ahead and discovered that because our status as Preventers, they acquired an apartment for us to live in during the treatment cycles. The insurance through the Preventers would pay all of our expenses and the hospital, upon discovering our history as Gundam pilots, offered financial help for the medical bills.
Duo immediately agreed, not willing, I guess, to let this opportunity pass. I was grateful that he cared, but I was also hesitant… about everything.
Within a month, everything was arranged and we were moving to L2. Just like during the trip back from L2 two years ago, Duo remained silent throughout most of the shuttle ride. He had been talking less and less since my diagnosis, and I was aching to hear him say something. Anything.
I just wanted things to be normal. I was so frustrated with my life; I just wanted a little while to be normal. I had grown up being trained for war. I fought in the war. The war ended and I finally go a taste of normalcy. I liked it. I liked getting up early to go jogging with Duo before work. I liked that my work didn't involve killing people. I liked the fact that I could take care of Duo and myself. Then, after only a few short years of that, all this happens. I have cancer. The L2 Virus that has mutated to Caruso Virus Mutated Cancer or CVMC, to be specific. Then I am told that I have to leave my home and move to an unfamiliar apartment on L2. The new, mutated form of the L2 virus is incurable and the only thing I can do is put up with the treatment's side effects. One of which makes me so weak that I am as pathetic as a child.
I couldn't stand having him take care of me and slowly I began to resent him for it. I wished that he would just stop and let me do some things for myself. I wasn't sickly all the time, during my resting periods - the week or so that I wasn't receiving treatment - I was fine, I could have done things for myself, but Duo wouldn't let me. Resentment grew in me and there were times where I found myself wanting to just scream at him, to yell at him to stop taking care of me.
But Duo was very adamant to me getting better and I couldn't blame him for it. I knew that neither of us wanted to move out of our house; to leave the lives we'd had since the war. I think I was actually more afraid to leave it than Duo was. That house was the first stable, comforting thing in my life. I didn't want things to change. Sometimes it just gets to be too much. I had to be strong, though. More than anything, I wanted to keep my promise to Duo. If moving to L2 was the cost… then… so be it. I had to be strong for Duo. I wasn't going to risk adding more concern and fear to his already faltered demeanor. So I acted like I didn't mind so much, acted indifferent to the move and continued to encourage Duo that I would be ok. I had to be.
Inside, I was terrified. And I managed to keep it hidden… for a while.
~ ~ ~ ~
We had been living in the L2 apartment for less than a week; I had been on the intensive treatment for only two days. The increase in medication flowing through my veins affected me immediately. Dr. Basil, a chubby Italian woman with thick, dark hair, was my new doctor and treatment manager. She told me on the first day that things would be increasingly hard throughout the next few weeks; even though the treatment would be working, I was going to be suffering from increased symptoms and some completely new ones as well. She was right. The first evening, I had a dizzy spell stronger than ever that brought me crumbling to the floor, lasting long enough and strong enough to cause me to pass out. The next morning, after forcing myself to eat something, I threw it all up and sat in the bathroom for over an hour, curled up in nausea. At lunch later that day, I had absolutely no appetite and my nose began to bleed.
I immediately went to the bathroom and, tearing off some toilet paper, placed it over my nose and leaned my head back. I took a deep breath and waited as I felt the blood dry on the tissue.
After a few moments, I lowered my hand and glanced at the now red tissue before catching a glance of myself in the mirror. My skin was pale and I was, if it was possible, thinner. I could remember when the blue jeans I was wearing were snug on me, but were now hanging off my hips. The black tank top I had on did little to show off my form, only revealing a small bruise on my upper chest.
I leaned on the sink counter and glared at myself. A droplet of blood crept out of my left nostril and I had seen enough. My fist flew forward and I was then looking at many smaller versions of myself reflecting in the shattered mirror.
I quickly regretted it when Duo came in to see what the noise was about. "What happened?" he asked with hide eyes, examining the mirror and my scratched fist.
"Nothing," I replied with that usual, monotone voice I am known so well for. I looked away from him, unconsciously rubbing my hand.
"Heero, what's wrong?"
He tried to come towards me, but I moved aside, sliding past him and into the hallway. "Nothing," I repeated sternly. I knew better than to think he would leave it there, but I was hoping. He didn't. Instead he followed me as I tried to escape into our bedroom.
"Heero. What the hell was *that* about?"
"It was *nothing*!"
He was taken aback for a second but quickly recovered. "Oh, and *nothing* requires you to punch the mirror?" I didn't answer him. I sat on the end of the bed and closed my eyes, trying to ignore him. Something was going through my head; I just didn't know what it was or how to deal with it. "Heero, are you not feeling well? Dr. Basil said-"
"I don't care!" I cut him off. I couldn't take it anymore. "I *don't* care." I stood up and faced him directly, the blood still peeking out of my nose. "I am sick of doctors telling me everything! I know enough to know that this shit isn't helping! I am sick of the treatments! I am sick of the medicines! I am sick of feeling weak! I am so sc-"
I had to stop. I took a deep breath, putting my palms over my eyes and rubbing them. I sat back down on the bed and leaned forward to calm myself. The room fell silent for a few moments and the tension thinned into awkwardness. I continued to take deep breaths; I could feel another dizzy spell coming on and I didn't think I could handle another one.
I felt the bed give a little as Duo sat down beside me. He remained quiet for a couple of seconds. I think he was about to say something when I spoke first. I couldn't keep quiet any longer. "I feel like I am failing you. I don't want to break my promise to you; I don't want to die. I'm scared to die." I kept silent after that. I stared straight ahead; I couldn't bear to look at him.
"Heero," he whispered, "I'll take care of you-"
"No! You-" I realized what a mistake it was to stand up when I was overwhelmed with blackness.
~ ~ ~ ~
I vaguely remember waking up a few times to throw up. I think once I even threw up on someone. But I finally I woke up lying in a sanitized room with an IV coming out of the back of my hand.
"Hey…"
I turned my gaze to Duo. He sat next to the bed, his hand resting on mine. In a split second, my stomach lurched, my hand shot to my mouth and Duo guided me to the bucket attached to the side of my bed. As my stomach emptied whatever contents it had, I could feel Duo's soothing touch on my back. He waited until there was nothing left in me before pushing a button next to the bucket and settling me back in the bed.
A thin nurse with black hair and dark skin came into the room, a large friendly smile upon her face. "Nausea again?" she asked with some pity. I saw Duo nod slightly before handing her the bucket, the contents of my stomach sloshing around inside.
The nurse measured my output before checking my stats and leaving the room with another smile. "I'll be back in about twenty minutes for the next session, ok?" she commented and was gone. I held my hand upon my stomach, cradling the pained area. Closing my eyes, I tried to concentrate - maybe if I focused hard enough this would all turn out to be a dream.
When I opened my eyes again, Duo was running his hand across my head, caressing my hair. "Heero." I tried to move but I found my body in too much pain. My stomach cramped and my head was engulfed in fever. "Heero," he whispered, "I'm sorry."
Wait. "For what?" I managed to croak out.
"Everything. All of this." I could feel the pain in his voice and it just made it worse that I could do nothing to comfort him. Something came to me.
"I'm not being cured am I?"
He choked back the tears and shook his head. I realized that I was gripping his hand in mine, squeezing it as if to assure myself that he was real. "So what now?" I asked.
"I don't know," he sobbed. Tears were coming down his face now, his cheeks flushing with sadness. "They said they're gonna try a new drug and a Morphine drip to help with the pain."
I nodded in response. A Morphine drip. That meant more time here. "I'm being hospitalized?"
"Yeah."
Great.
~ ~ ~ ~
The nurse had given me two options. I wasn't being cured of the cancer and the cells had even spread throughout my body. My immune system was useless, inhibited by the various treatments. Everything was a health risk to me, including Duo. He refused to stay away from me though; when they put me in isolation, he used his persuasion techniques to convince them that he would be visiting me whenever he wanted. I was helpless. Much more so than before. And I wasn't being cured. So the nurse told me - I had two choices. I could choose A) and be what they call "Full Code". This means that if my heart should stop, they would call a Code Blue and work to resuscitate me. Or I could choose B) and be DNR - Do Not Resuscitate. They would just let my heart stop.
I honestly wanted both. On one hand I had a promise to keep and a life to live - if you could really call it living anymore. On the other hand, my body was weak and dying already, I didn't know how much more of the treatment I could take.
"Duo, you choose."
He looked surprised when I said that. "Heero, you know which one I'd choose-"
"Then that's it," I looked over to the nurse. "I'll be Full Code." I dismissed her and she left.
"Heero I don't want you to do this if-"
"There's no other choice, Duo."
He didn't respond, only lowered his head and sat in silence. "I just," Duo mumbled, "want you to be ok with the decision is all."
"I am." I answered quickly, not giving myself any time to think about it. I really didn't want to be having this conversation. This was not something that I wanted to think about - the war was over, I shouldn't have had to think about death anymore.
"Heero, will you just stop playing the tough guy for a few minutes and tell me what you really think?"
It was said in such a stern, determined and accusing voice, I didn't know how to react. His words cut through me, demanding an answer that I didn't want to give. So I looked away. I couldn't look him in the eye because if I did… I just couldn't. That simple.
But he persisted. "Heero! Damn it! What the fuck is your problem?"
I wondered if he had meant it. I knew better - he was frustrated and understandably so. I felt guilty and turned to look at him, deciding that I had no other choice. "I don't want this to happen." It was only a whisper, but he heard me instantly understood. At least I hoped he did. A bit of anger began to rise - why was he pushing this? Why couldn't he just go back to acting like he always did and start to cheer me up again?
I was scared - scared to die, scared to be without Duo, scared that I had become so close to him in just a few months that after one night away from him, I had been aching to see him again. Most of all, I was scared that I would break my promise. I have never dealt with fear… I just sort of - changed - it into something else. This time, instead of something useful, the fear became anger.
I watched his face lower to look at his hands. He stayed silent, not saying anything or making any noise that could be interpreted as an answer. Then in a soft voice, he said, "Do you not think I'm scared too?"
"I know," I said quickly, my voice a bit agitated, "you love me, Duo-"
"No, Heero, you don't understand. I do love you, but that's not it. The first person I loved, the only person I had as family when I was on the streets, was a kid named Solo," I knew that, he had mentioned him before… "What I didn't tell you is that he contracted the L2 virus. By the time I got a hold of the cure, it was too late." His eyes were glistening with tears. "I let him go. It was my fault he died. I should have worked harder to get the medicine. I should have… done… something more than I did. He died in my arms. I love you, Heero, and I don't want to lose you."
The last sentence was said through a choked sob. I hadn't known those things. I should have. Guilt, sadness and regret overcame the anger I had felt moments before. None of it showed on my face, though. I wouldn't let it. I think he understood though - after having been with each other for so long, we had long ago learned to see through each others' masks.
I could see through his just as well as I hoped he could see through mine. He was scared to his very soul of loosing someone else and my heart nearly broke with the need to comfort him.
Our hands were together, fingers intertwined and holding tightly. Pulling my arm, I dragged him into bed with me. I ignored the IV and the little protests that escaped him. Once he was settled, once we were lying face to face in each other's arms, though, he went quiet.
There was so much I wanted to say at that moment, but I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't know how to tell him that I loved him more than anything else in the world. More than I cared for my own life. I didn't know how to tell him that I would be ok and make him believe me. Both of us were skeptics at this point.
Even though both of us were terrified, and I never said I was sorry -though I should have - it was good to have a night in his arms again.
~ ~ ~ ~
The nurse came in to check me as Duo was in the restroom. The thin woman checked my IV and examined the machines around me. "How are you feeling today, Mr. Yuy?"
I didn't respond. I just lay there, seemingly sleeping.
She shrugged and began taking down my vitals, marking things on a chart on a clipboard she had. She reached for my wrist, checking my pulse as she did every evening. A look of concern passed over her face and she pressed harder, trying to get a pulse that wasn't there.
"Shit…"
In immediate action, she reached across me and dialed a number on the phone. "Code Blue in room 117!!" Duo came out of the bathroom as she began performing CPR on my, pushing on my chest and checking my heartbeat every few pumps.
"What's going on?" Duo asked as a whole team of technicians rushed into the room.
"No heart beat-"
"Unit staff out!"
"Bicarb amp!"
"I got it!"
"One, two, three, four, five…"
My body lurched but no pulse returned. Duo was trying to get to me but a technician shoved him aside. "Move it!"
"Who's he?"
"I don't know - get him out of here!"
"No!" Duo threw the tall man away as he tried to move Duo out of the room. He turned on him, staring with the face of death at him. "He's my husband! I will *not* leave!!"
"What d'you get?"
"No pulse!"
"Again then!"
"Clear!"
Duo was shrinking in the corner, his bravery gone. Tears ran down his face as he forced himself to watch me, his eyes never leaving my dead face. "No," he sobbed quietly, "You promised! Please…" His face was no longer recognizable, the strong features of a man who had survived so much was replaced by the begging expression of a child. A child whose world was crashing down.
"No pulse!"
"He's gone."
There was so much I wanted to say, but didn't. I broke my promise.