A/N: Instead of updating my ongoing stuff my brain decides to spit out another oneshot that is also angsty and doesn't really have the happiest of endings. Trying my hand at a little angst since I don't write that much and I would at least like to see if I can pull it off. I've always wanted to write something based around the Hana Haki disease because I find it kind of beautifully morbid how some of these stories are written. I also based the unnamed girl on the female playable character from Dawn, might as well put her to use since she is "there" in the game. Enjoy.
She doesn't know when it happened, but it did.
She wakes up one morning to find golden petals innocently perched on the pillow beside her head. Turning over she snuggles deeper into her cocoon of blankets, pushing the thought into the recesses of her mind until a cough tears itself from her throat and out comes another one. A petal floats from her lips to the floor, and it is then that she realises: the disease born from a one-sided unrequited love has taken root inside her lungs. The world comes crashing down as tears prickle in her eyes.
It doesn't take long before she identifies the petals; it was too easy, as if fate was mocking her. Sunflowers: representing respect, radiance, and passionate love.
His favourite flower.
She cries, she cries loud and unbridled, loud enough that her digimon come bursting through the door in panic. Finding her collapsed on the floor, hunched over and holding herself. They rush to her side, holding onto whatever part of her they can. Frantically asking questions, checking for injuries, and pushing on her side, just trying to comfort their human.
Lalamon spots the petals first. Little specks of yellow on her lilac sheets, and she knows. She offers her human the tightest hug she can manage because it's hard knowing the consequences and implications of these flower petals.
Because she knows she won't be cured. She can't be cured.
Weeks pass and she manages, the petals don't come up with every cough. And the coughing fits only happen a couple times a day, they are weak and can be brushed off. It isn't so bad, it doesn't hinder her performance she thinks. She is still a good Tamer; her teammates depend on her and she isn't going to be the weak link. They give her questioning looks when she has a coughing fit, they worry and she tries to reassure that it is nothing. She isn't one to lie and she doesn't. Because it really is nothing, the disease doesn't mean it is the end of the world, her lungs still work albeit she breaths a little harder now.
But they don't have to know.
She goes to Sun Shine less and less now. The more distance she puts between herself and that place she better. She can't let him see her, she can't stand seeing him even if her heart yearns to meet his gaze and hear his voice. She can't, otherwise it'll be all over.
It's been days since they last talked, it's been mostly messages for months now. Ever since that girl came into the picture. They suited each other well, better than how she and him ever could. That girl, with her long golden hair and warm loving smiles. Eyes as bright as roses and a voice to match. She doesn't dislike the girl, he is so enamored that she can't help but fall in love with the girl too. The way he talks about their outings, the wild gestures when he gets excited about her, the way his eyes brighten and dull as she comes and goes.
Yeah, how can she dislike someone that makes him so happy.
So she swallows the bitter taste in her mouth along with the petals that threaten to come up and pushes forward. Because she isn't a baby and she has been through much worse than heartbreak.
xXx
It's been months, almost a year now since the flowers made themselves known in her chest, a few people know. Julia, Dorothy, Newton, and a some very close friends. They make sure no one from Sun Shine knows, they keep it a secret buried so deep that no one outside their tight circle knows and they close ranks faster than one can imagine. She can't take the difficult quests anymore, they put too much strain on her body and her respiratory system isn't the greatest.
The coughing fits have gotten worse with time, getting closer and closer to near violent. She tries to keep it down, she really does. But sometimes it is too painful to handle, like needles pushing against her lungs. There has been blood recently staining the golden petals, she knows it's gotten bad but she doesn't want to acknowledge it.
He tries to come see her, but her friends and Chief make it impossible. They keep him at a distance and she knows he is frustrated because he tells her. They still talk regularly, it's just now mostly if not completely over messaging, he vents about not having time to go see her in Dark Moon and her heart warms and how he thinks they should set up regular times to see one another. She smiles and wishes they could; but she knows that if she sees him there is no saying how much worse her sickness will get.
So she makes an empty promise.
She suspects Glare knows with the way the man looks at her every time he comes to meet with Julia. They never formally exchange words on the matter but he wraps an arm around her shoulders one afternoon and squeezes before departing. Julia can't meet her eyes afterwards and the two end their meeting early.
Her digivice dings with a message from him, he wants to meet and talk like they used to. But she can't, because she takes low stakes quests back-to-back so she can feel useful. She only ever has time for her friends in Dark Moon and quests now. She hardly sleeps without waking in the middle of the night in tears covered in sunflower petals. It has become a daily occurrence to wonder when it will be over, not if it will be over. She knows how this will end though, she doesn't deny it, and her friends know too. They give her sad looks but say nothing, because they know she doesn't want anyone else in her life and they don't make the attempt to fight her.
And pitying her isn't well received.
They spend every free moment they have together, because even if the progression is slow she could be gone any minute. Dorothy never leaves her side and Newton makes sure she doesn't overwork herself-even though it isn't even possible with these quests. They've worked themselves into her everyday life seamlessly and she doesn't mind if this sickness cuts her life short, she's lived a full life filled with love from friends and no regrets. Or at least no regrets she wants to mention.
Really, she thinks, I've gotten enough time.
xXx
Julia gives her an out, because the woman cares like the sister she never had. She tells her that if she wants Julia can find doctors in the human world that will fix her. They can remove the buds and roots and flowers from her lungs and she won't have to suffer anymore. But if she does he won't exist in her heart anymore, all of her love and cherished memories disappear with the flowers and she doesn't want that.
Selfish, stupid, and dangerous.
Those words describe the underlying message of Julia's pained voice. She comes as close to begging as a proud Chief ever will and she wishes she could brag that she is one of the few that have gotten Julia to do such. But she is tired of her sickness and says nothing.
In the end they hug as they cry. Julia shedding tears for the girl she has watched grow from the small child that was scared of the world to the proud young woman standing before her. She wishes she could do more and save the girl from the pain, but she knows that the decision is not hers to make and she has to bear the burden to staying strong. Julia cries harder than she has in her entire lifetime and her heart aches in ways she didn't realise it could before now.
She cries knowing how much she is hurting the people around her by not trying to find treatment. But a part of her also knows that she wants to be true to herself and she is willing to throw away the decades she could have for the last year or so that she will have.
She chooses not to have her disease medically cured, she realised she would rather die holding tightly and dearly to memories of him than alive with a hole in her heart where her love once was. So she declines Julia's offer of help and smiles, brighter than she ever has. Because she wants her last big decision to be one she doesn't regret.
And she doesn't.
xXx
He calls her to chat, she can't remember the last time they spoke face to face, but she can imagine him there with her.
Koh
The name lights up her computer and she accepts the video chat call. Only, she turns off the camera so he can't see her worn state. He frowns and she doesn't like it, it doesn't suit him the same way the dark circles and sickly paleness doesn't suit her.
He talks about his relationship with the girl and she can sense the tension. Their relationship is going through a rough patch and he doesn't know what to do, he asks for her advice and she freely gives it. She helps him run through solutions and encourages him to patch things up as soon as possible, she can't stand knowing he torn up over the state of his love life. She smiles through the tears as they speak, her voice doesn't shake, not anymore.
They catch up and exchange stories, every time she laughs she has to bite back another fit of coughs trying to escape. He can't know that she is sick, he'll be the last to know if she has her way. For a moment the world stops and she forgets that he can't ever be hers. But eventually time starts again and the night wears on, she can see that he is tired and tells him to go to bed. He needs the energy to be charming and fix his relationship, she says hiding how tough it is to choke out those words. He smiles and gives a warm thanks but lingers a moment longer before bidding her a good night. The screen goes black and she stares at her reflection.
I wished you loved me like that.
She doesn't have time to think as the suppressed flowers make themselves known and she rushes to the bathroom. She vomits up flower petals and the sting brings her to tears. Lalamon and Lunamon come to rub her back and she catches her breath and cries on the bathroom floor.
Her health quickly deteriorates after that night, she gets sicker faster than she ever has before and everyone knows that it won't be much longer. No one dare say it but they all know, she doesn't hide it anymore around her friends, how weak she is getting and how tired she is now.
She wants to stay strong and be strong in her final moments. She doesn't want to be treated any differently but she also knows that she has to give up her place in the Union and retire.
Retire, because she doesn't want her files to say that it was a death while she was active. She wants to leave the Union on her terms, not because her life was snatched from her too young from an incurable disease of flowers. So she tells Julia to give her the paperwork and the woman watches as she fills them out in one go. She gives brief explanations for everything and signs her name at the end. It was her letter of resignation as a Tamer and it was the final step toward her imminent future. Julia signed her name next to hers and seals the papers up in a folder, she tucks it under her arm and pulls her into a hug.
She cries once more in the arms of the woman that had done so much to make her the young woman that she was and she was thankful. There wasn't much left to do now but wait she supposed.
The papers will go to Glare who will sign the last line and pass the decision, it will be all he needs to know just how close it is to her last days. The files will be stored in archives long after she is gone and it will be the last piece of her the Union had before she is no more.
On June 18th of that year, at age 19 she resigned as a Tamer of the Union. A proud Night Claw of Dark Moon and as a Platinum ranked Tamer.
xXx
She spends one long night looking at the stars from her balcony, she wants to make a wish but no stars fall for her that night. She remembers fondly the adventures she partook in and the memories and bonds she forged along the way. If given the chance to live the life again and have the chance to change the outcome she wouldn't make a single decision differently.
She knows that it is her last night and she cries one last time and silently apologises to all her friends and everyone that she has ever met. She wishes it could've turned out differently, but at the same time she didn't want to live forever missing such a large piece of herself and her memories.
There was too much that would be changed if she did anything differently, she was satisfied with how her short 19 years turned out.
If only I could have gotten over it, she thinks, but it's too late now.
She hasn't talked to him a while, she assumes that his relationship is as good if not better than ever. Their conversation all those nights ago come back and she bites back more tears and smiles one last time for him, even if he will never see. Pulling out pieces of paper and her favourite pen she sits and begins to write. She personalizes letters to all her friends and Digimon and the Chiefs. She writes down her favourite memories of them and all her thoughts, she leaves words of comfort, love, and thanks with her signature. She seals them up and places the stack of addressed envelops on her desk.
On another piece of paper she writes one last letter, one that will never be delivered. He already has a letter in the pile, but this one is for her. It is cathartic, a full release of all the emotions she has pent up for months and years. She writes and writes, her tears staining the paper and the ink smudging. She writes until there is nothing left to say. She seals this one up too, but this time she opens a draw and tosses it in, burring it underneath piles of old letters and items long forgotten.
Slipping under the covers she can finally say that she is at peace with herself. All is done and she has nothing left to do, if tonight is her last night then she is ready. She falls into a deep and peaceful sleep, the first one that she has had in a very long time. She dreams once more of her adventures, with friends and familiar boy beside her. These memories were too precious to give up and she doesn't regret the consequences of her decisions.
xXx
The next morning, she doesn't wake and Lunamon is the first to find her. The digimon clings her body and begs her to open her eyes, she shakes her human and yells for the others. They rush through the door and find her in bed, her face serene and emotionless, her body cool to the touch and her pulse gone.
They call Julia, who comes as soon as she sees their face on their Tamer's digivice. She already knew what has happened, but it doesn't stop her shaking as Glare pulls the sheets over the girl's face and wraps her up. The heavy sobs from the digimon and Tamers in the room weighs their motion like lead.
It didn't feel real.
They didn't want it to be real.
Glare carries the body away and out, her once digimon in tow. They didn't want to be farther than a few feet from their Tamer's body. Gone or not, they were not going to leave her side until she is either buried or burned.
As soon as news spread across the Union and the cities it as was if a blanket settled over the people. There was outrage at the secret that was kept from friends, but it did no good to be angry at people who only carried out the wish of a dying girl. No one grieves more than the people of Dark Moon, their Chief suspended her duties and likewise no Tamer found themselves able to do much else than find solace in one another's company.
Her letters had been found and distributed to their marked recipients, no one wanted to open them and the first had been her very best friend. The letters felt too taboo, as if once opened the reality of it all would become greater. Some couldn't bear seeing the contents while others wanted the closure that came with them. The letters did offer some comfort in her passing and gave as much closure as one could get from words written in a person's final moments.
The grief took hold in Sun Shine as well, but none more so than the boy she died loving.
He remembers her well, a soft glowing radiance that drew him in. He always admired her for her collection and strategizing, he always thought that they would be together in one way or another, they connected on a level he never even thought about. The pieces that were them fell into place so naturally that he never realised how empty he would feel without her. She was everything he was not, she had an effortless graceful strength that was captivating and more than once he caught himself admiring her. Violet always suited her best, he thought, hopefully they would dress her well for the funeral. She liked matching dark violets to her eyes in contrast to her skin and lilac hair. He would personally make sure the clothes were the right shade if he had to, she deserved to look the absolute best even if she wasn't there to relish in it.
He wished he had seen it sooner, all the signs and her façade.
If he had known, so much could have been changed, she might have still had already contracted the disease but he could have helped her get better. He spent so much time fixated on his crumbling relationship, asking her for help when she was suffering alone-
Glare taps his shoulder before his thoughts can continue and hands him a letter. It was opened and unaddressed. We found this while clearing her room, he says, I think you should read it.
So he does.
He reads it, page after page he reads it. Not looking up until he is done and when he is his knuckles are white from the grip on the paper. A broken sobs wretches itself from his throat and he can barely make his voice work. Nothing comes up for a while, but when it does it is only a faint whisper of her name, "Sayo..."
A/N: Just something really quick since I needed a break from writing multichaptered stuff. For sure broke my own heart a little writing this but I needed it get it out of my system. Realised about halfway through that the timeline of the flower's growth didn't make sense, but let's pretend like it does and let me use it for dramatic effect. I'll leave it up to you readers to interpret the last little bit about Koh's feelings and his rather ambiguous relationship status at the end. And now I can finally focus on my other stuff and actually get things done. Hoping to get a chapter out for both of my other stories this weekend.
Love,
Dragon