Never Enough:
She's in love with her cousin.
Her best friend.
Her brother.
Obviously Kazuto isn't actually Suguha's brother, but he may as well be. They've eaten the same food at the same table, been bathed and washed in the same bath, tucked in together on the same bed, her mother pressing kisses on their cheeks and foreheads. For years, he's always just been her dorky, video-gaming playing brother. They never did have the sibling relationship though; he was always so nice to her, almost as if they were friends, equals, instead of brother and sister. Even if they were adopted-siblings, cousins, all this time, it didn't change the fact that half her life she viewed him as her big brother. Memories of him are sprinkled over her childhood. And even if they're only cousins, it's still disgusting. Incest. She doesn't like the word- she hates it with everything she has. But somehow the word manages to burn across her mind, over and over again, until she has no choice but to believe she is the definition of it. But this is long before she starts to see him...That way.
Her brother, the boy who pushed her away, who rarely saw her, who shut himself in his bedroom to play videogames, gets trapped in SAO, some reality-gaming system, and the stunt is so him it hurts. She cries. Her mother cries for her nephew.
She tells Suguha that he's her cousin. Not her brother. It's an accidental slip, and although the revelation leaves her stunned, it doesn't change much. If anything, it doesn't change a single thing. He's still her big brother.
Later on in the sorrow-filled, emotional rollercoaster that is Leafa, she gets this nagging feeling in her head that won't seem to go away. She's curious; she wants to know what kind of world her brother is trapped him. Why he chose those games over his own sister- cousin- friend- why he didn't give her a second glance at the dinner table when she spoke. Why he stopped saying 'have a nice day, Sugu', why he stopped ruffling her hair, why he stopped looking at her. So with a help of a gamer classmate, she finds herself lost in the world of ALO.
"Link, start!" She says hesitantly, the words tasting foreign in her mouth. The head gear feels weird, awkward, clumsy, and she just knows she's going to despise the world that stole her brother- cousin- away from her. Colors whoosh past her and everything feels so real. She makes her fairy beautiful, so unlike her. The girl that she wants to be most. Strong, powerful, brave- just like the poster she has hanging above her bed. She picks the first name that pops into her head. Leafa, because of her green clothes. She's skeptical and moody the moment she enters the game (really? This is what took her brother from Sugu? She's not impressed, not nearly) and the controls are all screwy. She half expects for herself to get trapped inside of this game, just as her brother did, but after a few moments the log-out button is still there, and she relaxes slightly. She passes people, (probably forty year old pedophiles) and when they glance at her, she glares with her bright green eyes. She hates this game. She hates it so much. It makes her sick to her stomach.
And then she spreads her wings and Leafa flies. Sugu soars. Her heart leaps.
She admits it, she's intrigued.
So she comes back the next day and the next, flying and growing stronger. Looks like her Kendo really does come in handy. She has a sword- it's green on the hilt and graceful and light. This place is her escape from reality. Nothing exists except for Leafa. And she loves Leafa. But then she has to log out, has to face her depressed mother, has to face the fact that her brother is still in that blasted game, and that she is an emotional wreck herself.
The world is grey. Dark. Nothing seems to matter except that her brother- no, her cousin- could die soon.
But then he's back two years later, and the world explodes into color once again.
And she can't stop the eruption in her eyes. She sobs, her small frame shaking against his cot. His hands are skinny and frail, and there are lines around his eyes, like he hasn't slept in years. She's seen him in the hospital, but always looked straight through him. It's not like she talks to him, not like her mother does, because she doesn't know if he can hear her. If he can, it must be real distracting. The thought unsettles her, so she forgets about it. And she begins to tell him about ALO. About Leafa, about all the quests that she's embarking on. He probably can't hear her. It's for the best. They call her house from the hospital one day, and her mother tells the words that she's been longing to hear for two years. He's awake.
She tells herself it will be like any other visit. Go in, talk to him, tell him about how school was going, tell him she loves him, and leaves. She tells herself to be strong. But when she walks through the door and sees him, sitting upright, grinning- oh, Kazuto- she breaks down. His hair is long and overgrown and if she had been in a better mood, she probably would've teased him about it. But she can't do anything but lean over and cry. Sob her guts out. She wants to tell him everything that's happened in the last two years. Her adventures in ALfihem. Most of all, she wants to question him about Sword Art Online. But the doctors say not to remind him, so she doesn't. He touches her hair, ruffling it, and she knows he's back for good.
She doesn't expect him to be close to her again, but he really does make an effort.
And at this point, she's known that he's not been her brother for two years.
He smiles at her, leaving her dumbstruck.
He starts coming downstairs for breakfast. Then for lunch. And then for dinner.
He tells her to have a good day at school.
Two months later, he smiles at her, like he does every day.
But this time, her heart seems to skip a beat. She notices this, but brushes it off. She acknowledges it, but denies it. He's her brother, for Kami's sake! Her cousin. Family. She can't have a crush on him, she can't be in love with him, not when he's in love with another girl who is bed-ridden.
Asuna.
She's not jealous. Sughua does not get jealous.
But holy crap, she's jealous. It burns, more than that word Incest, more than how her cousin stares through her instead of at her.
But then Kirito, some Spriggan that saves her from the Salamanders appears. He falls from the sky. Literally. He's not impressive to Sugu, not yet anyway. But she is impressed that he defeated them and rescued her, but he's annoying and nothing like her big brother. He's immature and naive. She soon realizes Kirito isn't really naive, he just chooses to have such a positive outlook on life. So he grows on her.
Like some brown-haired leech that's stuck on her skin. Eventually, he gets under her skin. And she has, for the first time, a spark of hope. Maybe she could forget about her feelings for her cousin once and for all. Maybe, just maybe, Kirito could help her to do that. He's brave and strong, kind-hearted. For all Sugu knows, he could be nothing like that in the real world. But when he smiles, she knows that isn't true. She cries on his shoulder, longing to tell him everything. This world isn't real, after all. She wants to tell him about her feelings for her big brother because the secret is suffocating her and she can't do anything about it. It hurts. Kirito doesn't stop her hurt, but he numbs it out a bit. She smiles when he's around. She feels free when Kirito is around her, like her brother never existed in the first place.
Leafa is so much better than who she is in real life. Stronger, beautiful, witty and brave. She goes to unimaginable lengths that she would never dare do in real life. But this wasn't reality. This was a fake world, but Sugu took it upon herself to use it as an escape from her cousin- even if she wants to see him, even if she doesn't- even if it's just for a little while.
It's gotten to the point where she never wants to take the Nerve Gear off. Sugu knows that cannot possibly be healthy, so she tries to take a break from it. But taking a break from Alfhiem just sends her falling back to her brother. She later decides that a little addiction with a video game was a lot safer, a lot better, than some confused feelings she holds for Kazuto. Omni-chan.
She thinks she's in love with Kirito.
He's so not Kazuto it's refreshing. Although there's a part of him, a small part, that reminds her exactly of her cousin. After all of this is over, she'll ask Kirito to meet in the real world. Maybe, just maybe, she could forget any romantic thoughts about him. Start over. With Kirito.
She doesn't expect the burning anger she feels when he dies in the game. It's raw and real and ragged, and it leaves her an angry, puzzled mess. She even storms into there, not bothering to fight, not really, just getting in and getting out. Nearly killing herself in the process. The arrows hurt, but the idea of losing Kirito hurts even more. So she saves him.
No one ever catches her when she falls.
But she'll always catch Kirito.
She tries to tell him, trying to evade his determined plan to go back in there, how she feels, the love she holds, how grateful Leafa is for his arrival, how much she cares for him as a friend. How she really feels. But she's never been good with mixed feelings, has she?
A few months later, she wonders if she knew it was Kazuto all along.
"Asuna."
It wasn't fair. Her life was so tied with her brother that she couldn't even escape him in the one place that was safe to her? She wants to hate him, longs to hate him, knows it will be easier if she just simply hates him, but she only can bring herself to hate herself. It's her disgusting feelings that have gotten her into this muddled mess. But she can fix herself again, can't she? Just like all the times before.
Not this time.
She's falling now, her wings cracked and broken, and she actually expects Kirito to catch her.
He doesn't.
The tears stream down her face. He thinks she's crying because he used the Nerve Gear again.
Maybe it would've been easier if Kirito figured it out on his own.
He doesn't, and she snaps at him. Screams at him, demands that he leaves her alone once and for all. She tells him she knows that he's not really her sister, that she's known for two years, and how happy she was when he finally returned to her from SAO. But if she was going to fall in love with him, she wishes he would've just gone back to avoiding her.
The feeling is pain. It hurts, a numb, real pain.
She feels sad and jealous and angry, but most of all, Leafa- Sugu- feels as if she's being suffocated.
So she curls up on her bed and cries harder, waiting for the feeling to go away. The shame. The wrongness. She never should've told him. What did she expect, that the boy who was raised as her brother, her cousin, was going to fall in love with her? He is in love with Asuna and it isn't a spiteful, shameful, dark secret, desperate to be buried. It's true love, the kind Leafa sees in movies.
And she helps her brother get Asuna back.
She can live with just loving him, even if he will never love her the same way.
She thinks that it's enough.
Until the day she realizes that it was never, truly enough.
A/N: That episode crushed my soul. Really. ;( R&R, please!