Slamming her bedroom door shut, she slid down the wall pushing herself against the door in a bid to keep it all out. She wrapped her arms around her trembling legs and her body shook with every sob that she released. Blood slowly trickled down her cheek, mixed with salty tears that only made the pain more unbearable. Suddenly there was a knock at the door which could only just be heard over the thundering noises coming from the room below her.
"Allie, it's me, let me in" Allie didn't respond, instead she pushed her head further into her knees trying to protect herself. On the outside of the room, Lillie heard her younger sister's sobs from other side of the door, her pale face grew with concern as she heard her little star struggle for breath, she tried one last time to get her attention.
"Allie, please let me in baby, I wanna help" picking the sharp piece of glass up off the end of her bed, she dug it into her skin and dragged it along her arms. All she wanted was for the pain to go away, she didn't want to hurt anymore, it took a while for her tears to subside as she looked at the vivid droplets of red blood on her knees from her face, before she turned her attention to her arms from which blood oozed out of the cuts she had put there minutes before.
"Just stop, please" her sobs of anguish began once more, as she listened to the commotion that had erupted downstairs for the second time that day. Slowly she stood up and walked over to her bed, still unmade from the morning, every inch of her ached and her head was beginning to pound as she collapsed onto her bed in tears.
She looked over into the outsized mirror that stood directly opposite her, the pain she felt was unbearable, she just wanted it to go away, she didn't want to have to face what he did to her, but looking in the mirror, it was clear as crystal to see the pain he had inflicted upon his daughter; her favourite deep purple top, featuring none-other than Disney's Tinkerbelle, lay torn and off her blood covered shoulder from where he had grabbed at her top harshly before striking her with his clenched fist to her stomach and her face after he had vigorously thrown her against the wall.
Slowly, she stood up and took off her top, wincing at the pain in her arms and face. She stared at herself in the mirror through her tears, her vibrant blue eyes showed no emotion, no sparkle that they usually entailed, there was nothing to be read from them, but her body showed a different story. Dark bruising of days before still present on her usually slightly tanned skin. The bruises covered her body thoroughly; some ugly shades of purples, greens, yellows, while others could be seen forming just as ugly as the rest. She knew that what she saw before her was not the worst of it. Allie took a deep breath before she turned her back to the mirror, she turned her head little by little to see what damage there was; she began to shake violently when she saw the results. The marks from her grandfather's belt stood out beyond a mile, she closed her eyes inhaling deeply remembering the day, she couldn't blame him, he was sick, and it's what everyone told her. Gradually, she opened her eyes and looked further up her back, carefully, she lifted her hair over her shoulder so she could see it better, an iron mark as red as a rose shone on her back surrounded by small red marks which she only knew to be cigarette burns.
The sound of smashing glass brought her back to reality as she jumped with fear turning swiftly towards the door. Making her way towards the dusty wardrobe in the corner of her bright room, she grabbed a chocolate brown long-sleeved top and slowly put it on over her head pulling it gently down the rest of her body so she avoided the as much pain as possible shooting through her noticeable injuries, wishing to find out who was hurt; if anyone. Pulling her door open slowly, she looked out to find the hallway deserted, creeping towards the tops of the stairs she instantly heard shouting again.
"She deserved it she's a cheeky bitch, I wonder where she gets that from" she closed her eyes, tensing her shoulders as she heard the sound of a fist hitting the counter.
"She's 7 years old and she didn't do ANYTHING wrong. I asked her to bring out dirty cups and things from the living room she didn't do it to spite you" she heard the anger in her brothers voice, she worried about Adam sometimes, he was so aware of their father's temper and violence it killed him to see her hurt.
Allie sunk onto the top step of the wooden stairs, leaning her head against the cold bare wall silent tears fall down her colourless face slowly. She wrapped her arms around her body and swayed gently, it was almost unnoticeable, but as Lillie stood by the door and watched her little star, she knew how cut up instead Allie was.
Moving forwards slowly, so as not to startle her, she settled herself down at the top of the stairs next to Allie, the youngster was still breathless and it didn't go unnoticed as a blue tinge started to form around her small lips. Allie turned to look at her older sister, the tears cascading down her baby's face made her heart ache badly, she wanted to reach out and cuddle her but knew that Allie had to make the first move.
"It's okay, I'm here my little star, I'm here" she whispered reassuringly to Allie who threw herself into her sister's side and sobbed once more. Placing both of her arms protectively around Allie she rested her cheek on the top of Allie's head while rubbing the tops of her arm lightly, worrying that injuries could reside on them. "Its okay bumblebee, it's ok, you're safe, you're safe"
But it wasn't okay, and it wasn't going to be either and she knew it. No matter how many times she said the words, she knew neither of them believed it. Their father, grandfather, and many other members of their family tortured her for being how she was, it wasn't her fault she was so sick all the time, it wasn't anyone's fault, it was just one of those things; but no one ever saw it like that, except Lillie and Adam.
Suddenly, a door burst open making them both run out of their skins, Allie automatically looked into the corner of the stair case to see who had thrown open the living room door, she had heard that sound so many times before, she knew what it meant – someone got hurt.
"You bastard! You think you own the place, you think you own us, me, well you damn well don't and I hope you fuckin' pay for the pain you have caused because I'm NOT coming back!" Adam spat at his father, not noticing the fragile child sat at the top of the stairs. He yanked at the handle on the front door.
"Adam" Allie said is no more than whisper, but its meaning was clear to Lillie, Adam meant what he said. She grabbed hold of Allie a little harder than she had meant to having seen her running for the door. "Adam, come back, please" her little voice pleaded with her brother, but it was no use. Their father was now standing on the lawn arguing with his son.
Lillie's eyes filled with tears as she watched her twin arguing with their father, ready to walk out on her and Allie. Gently, she rubbed Allie's arms in an attempt to calm her down, but it was no good, she had to use all the strength she had within her to keep her little star standing. "Come on, it's okay, Adam'll be alright, he won't be gone for long"
How wrong Lillie had been. They both watched helplessly as their brother turned on the spot and headed towards the road, without looking he marched into the water sodden road. That's when it happened. From this day forward life would never be the same again as both Lillie and Allie watched in what seemed slow motion, as their brother was hit by the on-coming car, hurled over the top and landed with a loud thud on the other side; he didn't move.
Instinctively, she let Allie go as they both raced towards Adam, Little fumbled in her pocket to remove her mobile phone as the owner of the car watched in terror as little Allie pulled on Adam's saturated clothes to wake him up.
"Ad wake up" she said calmly through her tears "Please, this isn't funny" she begged before lying down on his chest. She could feel his heart beat bit by bit against her ear and chest raising up and sinking back down again, but painstakingly slowly, and she knew.
It felt like hours before the ambulance arrived along with the police, Lillie and Allie watched as they drove away with Adam, not knowing whether he would live or day, whether they would even get to say goodbye to him, all Allie knew was that it was her fault, if she hadn't got in the way, he wouldn't have got like this at all.
"Go upstairs and pack a bag for Daniel, we'll drop him round to Annette's before we go up the hospital" Lillie said quietly as she guided Allie back towards the house, she knew it was pointless dropping them both with Annette, Allie wouldn't have it, Adam was the next best thing she had to a father and she knew it.
The rest of the day went like a blur. A nurse stitched up the cut on Allie's face, she tried to catch her attention but Allie didn't want to know, all she wanted was her brother. They never got to see Adam as they got to the hospital; they had taken him in for surgery to stop the internal bleeding, and to sort out any other injuries they got. It was 8 hours before they were told he was in recovery, but neither of them were prepared for the news they got the following day.
Lillie sat on the hard sofa in the waiting room staring at the wall right infront of her, her mind fixed securely on her brother's lifeless form back on the road. Allie however, rocked in the corner, her knees brought to her chest as she wrapped both arms around her legs cuddling the small teddy she had been given as a baby, from Adam. Her eyes seemed unfocused as she stared towards the door right infront of her, the lights were dim but she no longer cared about her fear of the darkness as she stared out of the tiny windows which were integrated into the wooden door. Suddenly, the door opened and a tall doctor stood there, he went by the name of Dr. Cleeves, he looked tired, something wasn't right, they both knew what they were about to be told as a nurse reached down to help Allie up and cuddle her, but Allie backed away, she didn't want a cuddle off anyone but Adam.
"I'm Dr. Cleeves and this is Nurse Backhouse. We've been looking after Adam since he was brought in." Allie was quick to jump into Lillie's arms. The thought of this convocation terrified her to the core.
"How is he?" Lillie's words were barely a audible, but could be heard.
"He's alive, Miss Cameron. He has some ugly injuries however. Most wouldn't have made it past the operation we preformed when he came in yesterday. But, there are two injuries we are concerned about, both are to do with the brain."
Lillie looked blank at the doctor before saying anything "His .. his brain?"
He nodded. "The cut on his head which you may remember when you got to him?" he had known that both Lillie and Allie had been present at the crash. "Well, to put it simply, the skull bone is broken, which means the brain is exposed, there is a good chance it's been left undamaged which is good. But the other concern is that because of the impact, it basically means that his brain was shaken around. It is dangerous and we need to perform an operation to relieve the pressure, otherwise it could kill him." By this point Lillie had dropped Allie who just sat on the floor trying to take everything in that she had heard, but she didn't understand any of it, all she knew, was that her brother was in a bad way and could die. Slowly, wincing, she stood up and took hold of Lillie's hand squeezing it. Lillie looked towards her sadly, and kissed her forehead.
"You need to know, the risks aren't good, we will be looking for blood clots, acute swelling of the brain and bruising. If he survives," he began, but Lillie noted the 'if' he had started with which didn't fill her with any hope at all, "he will more than likely end up blind or have some form of brain damage – it could be permentant."
"What .. what are the chances of that?" Lillie needed to know, for her own sake, as well as Allie's. "He could come out of it ok couldn't he?"
"The changes of damage, permentant damage, are high. He has been severely injured, and like I said, it is amazing he has come this far, but his injuries are very serious. But if we are lucky, very lucky, he maybe alright. Your asking me for best case, and that's all I can give you"
"What's worst case? I'm sorry, I'm probably repeating myself, but I need to know" Lillie's eyes were full of worry, worry Dr Cleeves and Nurse Backhouse had seen many times before. They knew that patience was needed in any case, but particularly if the family around were minors. They wondered where the parents were, what was going on in this family for them to be so split between them all. He had already seem their father, he showed no emotion as he sighed for the forms for his son's operation without asking any questions, he only asked that Lillie and Allie be informed before he had walked off.
"He may not make it at all .. and if he does, he will be severely impaired"
"What does that mean?" this time it was Allie who asked, not Lillie, everyone turned to look at her. She stood up straight holding her sister's hand like a mother would, it broke the nurses heart to see that a 7 year old child was somehow holding it together for the rest of the family. She wondered what kind of a family background this child had.
"It means" the doctor starting, crouching down to have the eye contact with her "that he might not ever wake up again from the surgery" with this comment Lillie broke down into sobs as Allie stood with her arm around her older sister, trying to comfort her, but she had no idea how.
"We will try our best Miss Cameron. I assure you of that" and with that, he left the sisters to themselves, their own thoughts and each other.
The operation took just as long as the first did, just under 10 to be precise. Lillie had cried herself to sleep on the sofa, she had been awake for days and not sleeping was finally taking it's toll, she knew that if she was needed, they would come and get her. Allie on the other hand, curled herself up in the corner of the room and stared into space, she reached for her gold chain, which featured a cross, and closed her eyes before praying for her brother's life. The nurse stood at the door and listened to the young girl, who was wiser beyond her years, her heart went out to her, and she was so strong yet so young to be dealing with something as cruel as this. Finally, Allie fell asleep leaning against the wall curled up into the same ball she slept in at home. Then the door opened, Allie awoke immediately running towards Lillie to get her up, it didn't take long for Lillie to awake from her sleep.
"We've done all we can and it seems to have gone well so far. He is in recovery now so it is going to be a while until you can see him. He's got through the worst Miss Cameron, he's not out of the woods yet, but he's stable." The doctor smiled at her encouragingly, "You won't be able to see him now until at least the middle of the day when we move him to ICU. Go home and test."
With that he left. Lillie looked a little happier as she looked at Allie. Adam was a fighter and they knew it. She took hold of Allie's hand lightly in her own she noticed blood seeping through Allie's top and her heart ached to think that her youngest sister had been harming herself yet again to deal with her pain. She made a mental note to sort it out when they got home. "Come on munchkin, let's go home" Allie just stared at her sister, confused and upset, the only person in her life who called her munchkin except for Lillie was Adam, she didn't want to hear it anymore. Together they made their way towards the doors of the hospital, neither caring that they would have to walk for 45 minutes to get home, as long as they had each other they were fine, and Adam was okay.
Each day they both made the 45 minute walk up to the hospital to see their brother, when Lillie saw him the first time, she refused to let Allie come into the room to see him. No matter how much Allie argued back at her sister, she wasn't going to let her little star see their brother like that. The bandage on his head looked terrifying, they had shaved all his lovely blonde hair off, his skin was pasty white; tears fell silently down her face as she stroked his face with the backs of her fingers.
"Hey. I love you Ad. You can't leave me now, not after everything we've been through, twins forever ... remember? Addie, you have to fight this please, I can't do this on my own, Allie is so scared I can't explain, I don't know how to be there for her. You were always best at that. Please, please wake up" it was 2 long hours before she left Adam's side and went to find Allie, she was curled up in the corner of the waiting room again, clutching her chain, but finally sleeping. Lillie walked lazily over to where Allie was and picked her up carrying her back to the sofa. Allie didn't stir as Lillie sat down with her again. "I'm sorry baby, I wish I knew how to help you" she whispered, wiping the tears off Allie's cheeks before kissing her lighting.
The next few days took its toll on Allie and Lillie. They both rarely left the hospital for anything, except to see Daniel, Lillie hated leaving him right now, but Adam needed her just as much too, Annette could help Daniel for her. Finally, 9 days after the accident, they decided to spend a day with Daniel. The sun was shining brightly, but no one was in the mood to go anywhere, all Daniel wanted was Lillie, but she was torn between being there for Daniel who didn't understand, or being there for Allie, who understood fully what was going on, even at the young age of 7. However, their day together was short-lived when the phone rang. Instantly, Lillie ran to it.
"Hello?" she sounded like nervous wreck down the phone.
"Hi. This is Dr. Cleeves from James Cook Hospital. Is this Miss Cameron?" he queried, guessing that it was.
"Yes, what's happened?"
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. The swelling on Adam's brain has increased, he's struggling now. I'm sorry, but there is nothing more we can do for him. It's difficult to tell but I'm afraid I think we are losing him. It maybe best if you come in." Annette rushed to Lillie's side as she panicked and started sobbing again. Allie looked terrified as she looked at her sister, wishing somehow she could make it alright again. Annette drove them to the hospital and waited in the waiting room with Daniel and Allie, but Allie refused.
"I want to go" she whined to Lillie who sighed heavily at the door, she was torn between doing what Allie needed and doing what she thought was best.
"No, you stay here with Annette, I won't be long" but before Lillie could walk out the door Allie grabbed hold of her arm, she turned to face the little girl, those sad eyes had lost their sparkle, she looked distraught and it upset Lillie to think how this was affecting her.
"He's my brother too Lillie. He's my daddy, I've never had a daddy and he's it. I want to see him, it's not fair, you have to let me, I don't want him to die" a tear escaped Allie's eye but she brushed it away, determined to see her brother before he died. Lillie sighed and starred at her, wondering how she could be so strong. She looked at Annette for support.
"She's knows her mind Lillie-Anne, just like you did as a child. I know you don't want her to see him like that, but maybe she needs to, for herself"
Lillie sighed; she didn't know what to do. "Okay, come on then missy" they walked out of the waiting room together and along the corridor, the walls were white and machines could be heard faintly from all the rooms around. "When we go in there, its gunna be pretty scary, lots of tubes, machines, bandages and things. They ..." she choked back on her tears, "they took his hair away too" Lillie said, trying to hide her tears, but failing miserably.
She pushed the door to ICU open and slowly walked in, she felt Allie grasp her hand, and she knew she needed as much reassurance, if not more, so she squeezed back. Nurses helped move Adam over slightly, so that Allie could lie on the bed next to her brother. No one expected her to be as strong as she was, it stunned everyone, but what was to come made them ache more than they could be described as nurses and doctors watched from the background.
Allie rested her head on Adam's arm and laid herself down next to him. For 4 long hours no one said nothing, no one did nothing, but stood there and watched, occasionally a nurse would come over and check on Adam, but it was just after 6 hours that he progressed worse.
"I'm sorry, but we're losing him" the doctor announced, but Lillie didn't need telling, she already knew, she felt it inside of her.
She nodded as tears fell silently down her cheeks. She moved closer to Adam and stroked his face. "I love you babe, tell Granddad I said hi okay, tell him I miss him too." She kissed his forehead. "Goodbye baby, I love you, I'll make you proud, I promise" she didn't move from his side, but she looked down at Allie, she had sat up next to her brother and reached out for her sister's hand, Lillie took it.
No one expected Allie to do anything, except maybe kiss him and cry, as any 7 year old would, but she didn't. There were no tears near her eyes as she spoke quietly to her brother, yet loud enough for all to hear. "Hi Adam, its Allie. I miss you you know, and so does Daniel and Lillie. I wish you could come back, but Lillie said you have to go and sit with the stars and look after us from up there now. I'll miss you cuddles. Remember the cuddles we used to have in the garden under the stars in the summer? I'll keep doing that for you." Tears poured down the faces of Lillie and the nurses as Allie carried on, "I remember that one time you carried me on your shoulders when I broke my arm, it hurt and you told me the doctor would make it all better, and he did. I picked a poem for you, I knew you would go up into the sky, so I pictured one out of that book for you." Lillie knew which one she meant, it was black and had funeral poems in it, she had caught Allie looking in it days before hand.
Allie let go of Lillie's hand and opened the poem book, she began to read loud and clear for everyone to hear;
"They say memories are golden, well maybe that is true,
I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you, a million times I cried,
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
If life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still,
In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the bath to heaven and bring you back again.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again."
Once she finished reading, she put the book away, she bent down and kissed Adam on the cheek, and slowly she laid back down on his arm and played with his own chain which Lillie had put back around his neck when she had come in. "You'll always be my daddy Addie, I'll miss you all the time too, my stories when I go to bed, my cuddles as I fall asleep, no one does them better than you. I guess now you have to go to sleep. I'll never forget you."
Everyone had said their piece now, and Adam fought on as Allie lay in his arms and Lillie held his hand. But 3 hours later, he took his last breath, Allie said goodbye one last time, to the daddy she loved she stayed strong and not once did she cry, unlike the nurses and doctors that surrounded her and wondered whether her strength came from. They could only presume that the strength she had, was what lied within Adam. No one moved or left for hours, each buried deep in their own thoughts and feelings. In the end Allie spoke.
"Lillie?" Allie asked quietly. Lillie looked up at her, her eyes red and puffy. "Adam'll make it better now won't he?"
Her heart tore at the question, if only it was that simple, but to a child of 7 it probably was, "Maybe" Lillie said simply, there was nothing more she could say. She lifted Allie off the bed as she kissed him one final time she made sure he knew. "I love you baby"
She took Allie's hand and they both walked towards the door, Allie stood still and turned towards the bed her brother lay peacefully on, she stared at it for a few moments as the nurses watched her silently from all corners of the room. "I love you daddy"