BART'S FIRE YELL!
By WileE2005
DISCLAIMER: The Simpsons are owned by 20th Century Fox Film Corporation.
It was a typical day at the Springfield Elementary School. All the kids were busy in class, even Bart Simpson. But in the office of Principal Skinner…
"SKINNER!" Superintendent Chalmers burst into Skinner's office.
"NOW what?" Skinner groaned.
"Surprise inspection!" Chalmers announced! "I even brought the building inspector, fire marshal, chief of police, AND the mayor!" As he said this, the fire marshal, the building inspector (the sarcastic balding mustached man), Chief Wiggum and Mayor Quimby entered the office.
…
So far, there was minimal fuss from the inspection. But the fire marshal had one final note…
"This school's fire protection is subpar! A third of the fire extinguishers are not charged, several storage areas have no sprinklers, and the fire alarm system DESPARATELY needs to be upgraded!"
"Upgraded?" Skinner said, an obvious hint of disbelief in his voice. "The school's fire alarm system has been running just fine since 1974!"
"Yes, I know that grandfather clauses can be used," the fire marshal argued, "but at least get a new panel! That old Simplex system could conk out pretty soon! It's ancient!"
"I'll have you know," Skinner said, pointing right at the fire marshal's face, "that the Simplex Time Recorder 4208 fire alarm system is state-of-the-art and well-designed!"
"Yeah, for the 1970s," the fire marshal scoffed.
"He has a point," Chalmers added. "It's one thing if a computer lab still has those old Commodore 64s, and if the school library's world atlas has the Soviet Union in it, and that there's a mimeograph machine used in the main office in lieu of a real copier, but damn it, we're NOT going to continue running the school with an obsolete fire alarm system!"
"But, the budget…" Skinner began.
Chalmers added, "The city will help pay for the system, Seymour. GET IT INSTALLED A.S.A.P!"
Skinner had no choice. In order to keep the school up to code in some way, they would need to get a new fire alarm system…
…
The next day, Skinner made all the students have a half-day, so he could have the city fire department and a few fire alarm service companies check out the existing fire alarm system.
"Oh god," one technician said going around the school, "even the nuclear power plant has a better fire alarm system than this place, and THEIRS hasn't been upgraded in over 40 years!"
Another noted, "Use of school class-change bells as notification appliances in areas where actual fire alarm signals are malfunctioning, no visual signals to accompany the bells…"
"Pull station has been removed in the lecture hall…"
"No lens on this alarm light…"
"Mechanical heat detector has not been replaced…"
"Ionization detector is glowing a bit of green…"
"Horn/strobe slapped onto older alarm…"
"No strobes in the restrooms…"
"Do Not Pull sign taped over pull station…"
"No elevator recall smoke detectors…"
"But we don't even HAVE an elevator!" Skinner said, sounding annoyed.
"Then you'd better get one," the technician told him, "to comply with the Americans with Disabilities Acts."
"And for gods' sake, look at the fire alarm panel!" one of the technicians noted, standing in the school basement with the fire marshal, Skinner, Chalmers and Groundskeeper Willie, in the mechanical room where the big old fire panel was located. "The service sticker only goes up to 1994!"
"Well," Skinner admitted, "we've had Groundskeeper Willie service our fire alarm system due to budget cuts since then."
"But he's NOT EVEN A LICENSED ELECTRICIAN, LET ALONE A FIRE ALARM TECHNICIAN!" the fire marshal yelled.
"A-bup-bup! Remember when you got that spider out of the panel after it caused those false alarms?" Skinner asked Willie.
"Aye," Willie said, "and I've got the spider bite to prooove it!"
"This panel is beyond obsolete," the technician said, opening the front door on it. "Look at all these old relays and circuits… one of the relays is on the verge of burning out… a CODE WHEEL?! No fire alarm system uses that anymore!"
"Hmm," Skinner said. "You're right. I can't take any more of this criticism. We're going to order a new fire alarm system, right now!"
Skinner had to check online fire protection websites for the right kind.
"The Siemens FireFinder XLS is a good, solid model. They're installing them everywhere at Shelbyville University," one technician noted.
"Yes, but Shelbyville Elementary has one as well," Skinner noted. "We don't want to be like those stuck-up Shelbyville jerks."
"The Fire-Lite MS-9600 systems are pretty reliable," another technician added, "you could use that to replace that old Simplex panel."
"That's it!" Skinner announced. "We're going with that Fire-Lite system. It'll save us quite a bit of money!"
…
The next Monday, the installation began. It had to be done during the school day. But Bart could overhear from right outside Skinner's office. "I'm going to have to announce to all the students and faculty about the fire alarm testing and maintenance during the morning announcements," he was saying to Willie, "so we don't have a recap of 'Fire Drill Follies.'"
Bart then got an idea and cackled.
…
After class had started, Bart raised his hand and lied he needed to use the bathroom.
"What's the point?" Bart's teacher said. "I've given up. Go ahead and use the bathroom for all I care!"
Right before Skinner began morning announcements, Bart found the wiring for the intercom, and set up a microphone into it, waiting for the right moment to cut off while reading his quickly jotted-down copy of the morning announcements.
"…and stay off the blacktop during recess," Skinner continued, "so we don't get any more scraped knees or lawsuits."
Right after that, Bart pulled a plug out of the panel, so the entire school did not hear Skinner say the following…
"Oh, I would also like the notify all the students and faculty that the fire alarm system is being worked on today. The alarm may sound during the repairs and upgrades. Remember, if you hear the noise, there is NO NEED to evacuate, unless I order everyone to do so. Have a great day."
What the rest of the school heard was Bart Simpson, imitating Skinner's voice with a voice box…
"Well, uh, have a great day students, and disregard what I said about the blacktop!" After shutting off the microphone, he laughed evilly. He waited a minute, and then reconnected the intercom wiring.
…
A little later into the school day, around 9:30 AM, the fire alarms went off in the building (though in some hallways, the school bells rang as the fire alarm.) Almost immediately, all the students screamed and began running for the exits. The teachers followed.
"AAAAAAH! The fire drill is yelling!" Ralph Wiggum wailed.
"All right!" Jimbo cheered. "The school's burning!"
"SHHHHHHH!" the school librarian shushed to the alarm.
Mr. Largo had his band class all play the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" as they evacuated from the music classroom.
Once they were outside and the teachers took attendance, Principal Skinner looked out the window from his office and said, "WHAT THE HELL?! Why'd everyone evacuate the school? I clearly announced about the fire alarm testing, and told them not to evacuate. Hmm, maybe the intercom cut off by mistake."
When everyone went back inside a few minutes later, Skinner went on the intercom again, but of course, Bart Simpson cut him off, so the entire building did not hear his announcement.
"…and remember, if there really IS an emergency, I will come on the intercom and clearly tell you all to evacuate the building. Now get back to work," Skinner concluded, and shut off his microphone, not knowing that the school did not hear what he said.
One of the electricians came into Skinner's office and said, "We're going to have to also disconnect the school bells from the fire alarm system so we can install new notification signals in the areas where the bells are used."
"Fine, go ahead," Skinner said. "When we finally have real fire alarm horns in those areas, we might also no longer have to announce any fire drills beforehand."
…
Then, around 10:24, the alarm went off again. And once again, the students screamed and began clearing the building while covering their ears.
"It's the day of the fire alarm!" Martin Prince announced, until Nelson punched his butt.
Rod and Todd Flanders just kneeled, praying to be saved while in the boys' bathroom, until a teacher grabbed them and escorted them outside.
"My ears are bleeding!" Wendell whined, as blood was indeed pouring out his ears.
Lunch lady Doris had to carry out the pot of mystery stew she was stirring (which actually was nothing but endangered bird meat in gravy) out of the building with her.
Naturally, Skinner was not impressed by what had happened. So when he had to announce AGAIN about what happened, Bart made sure the school didn't hear them.
"And if any one of you tries to leave the building when the fire alarm is going off and it's not an emergency, you're getting detention!" Skinner concluded.
Bart couldn't help but laugh. He was enjoying this!
…
At lunch, the technicians had already installed new alarm signals with strobe lights in the corridors where the bell was used for the fire alarm. Lisa could not help but notice them while she was on her way to lunch. She also noticed new smoke detectors in some areas replacing older heat sensors, and she also noticed other older fire alarm signals were being replaced with new ones. She began to get suspicious…
Sure enough, during lunch, the fire alarms went off again. The cafeteria was full of screams, cries and yells as everyone ran for the exit doors.
"IT'S NOT EVEN FIRE PREVENTION WEEK!" Milhouse hollered as he covered his ears while running for the door.
"My hearing is starting to sound like an AM radio!" Ralph complained.
Lisa knew something was screwy. Then she noticed that Bart was NOT screaming or panicking like the others. He was laughing!
"Bart!" Lisa angrily said to herself.
Skinner ran out after the teachers and students. "AAAAAAAAARGH! GET BACK TO CLASS!" he yelled. Just as he did, the alarms had stopped, and so everyone trudged back into the building.
…
Once back in class, Lisa noticed the new smoke detector in her classroom. She figured out that they were installing a new fire alarm system in the school, and the reason why it kept going off was because of the work on the system. She knew they would have been notified in advance, but there was no announcement about it. And she knew that Bart must have had a part in it.
At that moment, Skinner was announcing, "…and I've locked all the doors that lead outside, so you CAN'T get out of the building. This way, if the alarm goes off again, you'll be able to actually disregard and know it's just a test!" He did a slightly evil chuckle after that, because all of this was starting to drive him mad. But of course, the school couldn't hear him, thanks to Bart tampering with the intercom.
…
So a little later in the afternoon, the fire alarms went off again. Since the school just got new alarm signals, some of the kids and teachers didn't know what the noise was at first. It almost sounded like a whistle or something. But then the teachers realized it was the new fire alarm. "FIRE ALARM!" they all yelled, and once again, the kids tried to evacuate. But they couldn't open the classroom doors, and in some they could, but couldn't go out the exterior doors! So most of the kids began running around like crazy, screaming and yelling and panicking. Milhouse was even calling 9-1-1 on a nearby telephone, alerting the fire department of a possible fire!
Principal Skinner heard yells of, "FIRE!" "WE'RE GONNA DIE!" "GET OUT OF MY WAY!" "THE FIRE DRILL'S GOING OFF!" "WE'RE TRAPPED IN THE SCHOOL!" Then he heard glass shattering, and saw kids breaking windows and jumping out of the building!
Skinner screamed. He kicked down the door to his office. His hair was a mess, his clothes untucked. He began running toward the basement, but then he noticed Bart Simpson, laughing diabolically amidst all the panic and chaos.
"BAAAAART SIIIIIIMPSOOOOOOOOOOONNN!" Skinner yelled.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bart screamed. He knew he was caught.
"YOU DID IT! YOU CUT OFF MY ANNOUNCEMENTS!" He had finally caught the prankster responsible for all the mayhem occurring that day. Then he began punching one of the pull stations. "THAT'S IT! NO MORE ALARM!" he yelled, trying to shut up the alarms.
A fire alarm technician ran up holding a smoke detector. "Hey, we're trying to install this System Sensor™ detector in the library, but we can't with everyone carrying on like it's the end of the world!"
A loud crash was heard from behind them all. The fire department ran in as the students began to run out of the building, now that the door was broken down. Chief Wiggum followed.
"YOU LOCKED THE EXIT DOORS?!" the fire marshal yelled over the noise. "THAT'S A MAJOR FIRE CODE VIOLATION!"
Chief Wiggum slapped a pair of handcuffs onto Skinner as the technicians silenced and reset the alarm system. "Seymour Skinner, you're under arrest for attempted murder of an entire school!"
"But I wasn't trying to murder the school! I was trying to protect the school!" Skinner protested.
"Yeah, right," Wiggum scoffed. "Next time, READ THE FIRE CODES!"
"Grrrrrr, Bart Simpson!" Skinner shouted. "You're getting detention until I return to the school!"
Bart just grinned. "It was all worth it," he said smugly.
…
The next day, the new fire alarm system was completed and functional. The fire marshal and Superintendent Chalmers approved it, claiming it a major improvement to the school's fire code. Chalmers would temporarily be running the school until Skinner got out of jail, and he announced to the whole school about what happened. Things were back to normal…
…Except in detention. Bart was writing on the blackboard, "I WILL NOT TAMPER WITH THE SCHOOL'S FIRE SAFETY" over and over on the blackboard. But when Chalmers had left the building and the teacher let Bart go, all of Bart's friends wanted to hear the exciting story about the whole fire alarm incident. Even Lisa had to admit it got pretty fun after a while!
END