Sharing The Pain
Author: Pharo
Disclaimer: Roswell belongs to Jason Katims, UPN, and Melinda Metz.
Summary: Isabel POV as she finds someone else who has to cope with the same kind of pain she's feeling.
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He's gone. He's been gone for awhile now. I feel empty without him. It feels like a part of me is gone, too, because…well; he was a part of me. When he left, he took a piece of my heart with him.
Sure, I never told him how much I loved him, but I like to think that he knew. I like to think that he understood that sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night with this horrible fear for his safety. I hope he knew that I noticed all the little things he did, like the way he made sure to always have a small bottle of Tabasco sauce with him at all times. I hope he knew that I had written a letter to him every day that he was away at "Sweden". I hope he knew all these things, but in the end, I'm not sure he did.
My life isn't the same with him gone. I'm around our friends almost all the time, but now that he isn't here anymore, I'm feeling more alone than I ever have before. It's because my mind isn't really there. Falling into the dark abyss of despair, spiraling downwards towards doom, meeting head on with depression…blah, blah, blah. That's my life now. Life is more of a routine than anything else.
Everyday, I force myself to get out of bed, to go on with my normal life. Everyday, I attempt to plaster a fake "smile" on my face, go downstairs, eat breakfast, and ride to school with my brother. At school, I somehow manage to get through the day; my mind not really focused on anything going on during class.
All I have are my painful, heart-wrenching thoughts—thoughts that begin with "What if" or "I wonder".
I try not to think, but that's impossible. Mainly because everything I see reminds me of him. It could be something as simple as a song or word, a sound or an object, anything and everything.
And when I start to think of him, the tears start falling. And once the tears start falling, I can't stop them. I can do pretty much nothing when I start to think of him. The pain is too strong for me to concentrate on performing any sort of task.
And you'd think that the pain gradually disappears as time passes by. But it doesn't. In fact, it hurts even more as the days go on.
I see all these people move on with their lives, while mine stays frozen in time, not being able to come to terms with his death. How am I supposed to fill this big, black void in my heart? How am I supposed to see people drinking orange soda and not think of him?
I wish it had been me instead of him that had died.
But then he'd be going through the pain that I'm going through now and I wouldn't wish that kind of fate on anyone.
So, if he had to go, I wish I could've gone with him. I would've gladly done it too, just to be with him. But I know he would have never asked me to. He would think that I'd be ruining my life if I went with him. I can just hear him now:
"Your time will come. And when it does, I'll be there waiting for you. But, until then, you've got to go on with your life. You've got great stuff ahead of you and I don't want to be the reason why you don't get to live through it all. One day, you'll thank me for not taking you with me."
That's exactly what he would say because that was him…always thinking of someone else.
Where there used to be eight of us, there are now only six. He's gone because of her and she's gone because of us. If only, we could've all just lived happily. Then, we wouldn't have to be facing this type of pain right now.
I know the others try to understand what I'm feeling, but it isn't possible. I think there is only one person who can understand me now—one specific person who's also lost someone close to them. The only other person who feels what I am feeling, who can actually relate. We just sit in silence when in each other's presence because it's too hard to put all that sadness into words, but it's even harder to keep all that pain inside.
"Can I talk to you?"
He nods his head and we sit in some more silence. I don't know where to begin. The sadness is scattered all over me and I can't pick a point to even attempt to explain.
"It hurts."
He looks away from the rain-smeared window at the sound of my voice.
"It hurts so bad that some days I can't even get up and face the world all over again. It feels like…like I'm slowly drowning in this unbearable pain. And I think about reaching up and pulling myself out, but the pain is too heavy. I can't bring myself to do anything about because I just keep wondering how the hell I'm supposed to go on without him being there. So I just stay in that place and all I'm able to do is think of him."
I feel the tears come to my eyes as I look down at the table.
In a few moments, the shiny metal napkin holder is pushed into my viewing range. I slowly take out a napkin, but I don't wipe away the tears. I just hold it in my hand and stare at it. The sound of his hoarse voice breaks away my stare and I look at him.
"I keep thinking why…"
He clears his throat.
"I wish it didn't happen, but I know that it did. So, I keep thinking why it wasn't someone else that was responsible and not her. Why wasn't it someone else—someone I didn't know. The world is full of these…people who do horrible things, but it actually hits home when it's someone you know. That's when you realize that it actually matters."
Silence.
"And, I keep thinking that all this time, she knew what she was doing—they both did. I mean, how could they do this to us? Surely, they thought about the consequences when they set out to do what they did. How could she just live in my house and betray me like that? I try to stay mad at her, but—"
"You can't." I say, finishing for him.
"Because we love them too much." He adds.
And that's when I'm sure that he shares my pain.
"You and I…we're probably the only two people in the world who feel this pain. And we don't want it, but it's like a memory you can't get rid of."
Silence.
"The rain stopped." He commented after awhile.
As we both got up to leave, I hugged him. I knew that he wished I were her as much as I wished that he was the one that was carrying a piece of my heart.