It damn well nearly broke him. The years before Hogwarts, the years at Hogwarts, the year on the run and of course, the battle.
Sure, to the general public he appeared fine – the reluctant hero – but she could see behind the stoic mask he wore when faced with others.
Only once before had she seen his eyes so dead – after their visit to the Department of Mysteries. Had he ever gotten over the loss of Sirius...would he ever stop blaming himself?
She cursed all that had hurt him over the years. The Dursleys, Umbridge, Bellatrix. Snape, despite Harry's insistence that he'd been on their side all this time. And yes, even Dumbledore, for placing so much on Harry's young shoulders. A destiny he'd met with dignity.
He'd attended as many funerals as he possibly could and even joined her brothers as a pall bearer for Fred's. He'd escorted Andromeda to the joint ceremony for Remus and Tonks, while Molly rocked the young Teddy Lupin, the son they unwillingly left behind. He'd then retreated to the Burrow, barely talking, but then again, none of them were.
She'd come across him at the pond – her private spot – staring bleakly at nothing. He'd started at her presence and she'd backed away, not wanting to intrude. But he'd shaken his head, gesturing to the spot beside him. She sat, relieved that she was here, with him – and he was alive. There was no talking, just a companionable silence.
Once she'd come across him, laying down, his arms behind his head, looking up at the sky. She'd lain next to him, mirroring him. He'd started talking that day, about nothing much and everything, then fallen asleep. She'd lain still, drowsy herself, when he'd turned and curled against her. It was both comforting and comfortable, and it just felt so RIGHT. She ran her fingers through his hair before she followed him into slumber. They'd woken entwined, his face pressed into her neck.
Years later, he'd tell her those days with her were what he needed. No pressure to talk, to make decisions. It helped him to feel he wasn't alone, that when he fought his way out of the darkness, when their world was RIGHT again, there would be a time for Harry and Ginny.
Eventually he'd returned to Grimmauld Place and she had returned to Hogwarts. Surprisingly he'd written, unsurprisingly it was about fairly generic topics – Teddy, Auror training, living with Ron. It was only when she came across one of his letters to Hermione, found between the pages of her Transformation notes Ginny had borrowed, that she realised he was concerned for her. 'Keep an eye on Ginny, don't let her/make her study too much for her NEWTS', he'd asked Hermione.
He'd come to Hogwarts for her Quidditch matches and joined her at Hogsmeade, making a quartet with Ron and Hermione. But his hand lay on her thigh under the table and he was as close to her as he could possibly get.
Finally she was done with Hogwarts, and her summer days were spent flying, training for her Harpies tryouts. Summer nights were spent talking, really talking and just being with Harry. As they exchanged details of their time apart that terrible year, it brought them closer until finally, inevitably, they gave each other their virginities. It should have brought them even closer together, and it did, for a time, until he realised that her success at the tryouts would mean a move to Wales, the base of the Holyhead Harpies.
Her parents had thrown her a party to celebrate her signing. Harry had come, although he had mostly kept to Ron and Hermione while she'd been swept away by her friends. They'd finally had a monent and he'd whispered, "Come to Grimmauld Place tonight." Not a question, more a plea. Their lovemaking was intense and slow, as if he was memorising every part of her body. He wasn't there when she left for Wales; he was away on an assignment. But he was there at her first match, front row in the family box dressed in the green and gold, and was the first face she saw when she came out of the changerooms after the successful match.
Their schedules just wouldn't align; causing tensions. He was in the press often, the wizarding world couldn't get enough of him. Any witch just had to stand next to him, and the next day in the papers they would be having a full blown affair.
Her teenage insecurites returned, especially with the lack of communication. Then she found herself facing the same. A new successful Harpy, and a pretty one at that, she became the focus of fans and the media. Neither she nor Harry wanted the attention, let alone liked it, but there was nothing they could do. She had sponsers to please and he couldn't even buy a coffee without it being front page news.
They'd tried to meet halfway, as often as possible. But what once felt thrilling and secretive soon made her feel like his dirty little secret. She wanted to go out, to dinner, to stroll, hand in hand, see the sights of the small towns they stayed in. Instead they spent time in small rooms, in bed, eating take away most times.
He was successful as an Auror, and she was successful as a Harpy. Which led to more responsibilities for both and therefore less time together. Their world didn't even know them as a couple, and even their friends were unsure. Girlfriend/boy friend? Friends with benefits? Ginny wasn't so sure herself some days.
There was no talk of the future, no plans made. One would simply receive an owl and the other would respond, yea or nay. It was the best they could offer each other for now, but neither were really satisfied. Ginny wasn't sure if they both feared what would happen if either of them said they wanted more. Would it make or break them?
Half way through her second year, and Harry's first as a full Auror, he'd been called away on an assignment for possibly as long as a month. Ginny accepted it was part of his job and thought nothing more about it. Still, after three weeks of just seeing her team mates Ginny decided to go home for a family visit, arriving late. She'd let Molly spoil her with food and Arthur with hugs. Then she'd gone to her childhood bedroom and slept well.
She came downstairs, unsurprised to find her mother in the kitchen. Breakfast smelled great, but not quite ready, so Ginny picked up the Daily Prophet, only to come face to face with Harry, or rather photo Harry. Dancing with Cho Chang at a Ministry ball.
Dragging her eyes from the photo, she read the accompanying article, about how Auror Potter had just returned from an Auror assignment – a bloody week ago – and had attended the latest Ministry ball last night. Her heart sank as she read about how he'd danced with all the pretty witches in their fancy schmancy gowns and robes, including Miss Chang, an old Hogwarts flame.
"Oh, don't read that rubbish, dear, although Harry does look nice doesn't he?" asked Molly, placing a plate in front of her.
"He got back a week ago?" asked Ginny, nibbling on a corner of her toast.
"Yes, well, he was in St Mungo's for a few days. Poor dear, he seems better though, doesn't he?" asked Molly, peering at the photo. "The bruises are all gone, and he's not wearing the sling."
Ginny coughed, nearly choking. "He was in St Mungo's? Why didn't anyone tell me?" she demanded.
Molly flushed. "Harry didn't want us to, dear. Didn't want to upset you, with your big match the other day."
Ginny stood, her rage making her shake. "Where are you going, dear?" asked Molly, as she headed back to the stairs.
""Packing. I need to get back," said Ginny, biting her lip lest she curse his damn name.
"Already? Ron and Hermione are coming over soon to talk about their engagement party next weekend. I'm sure Harry will be with them," said Molly.
"I'm sure he will. I suppose they were at St Mungo's with him?" asked Ginny, somewhat bitterly.
Molly nodded. Ginny did so too. "Then I'm obviously not needed. Excuse me, Mum," she said.
She packed blindly, her eyes obscured by tears. Did he even know how much it hurt to be excluded from him like that? Or had he simply not wanted or needed her there?
She quickly farewelled her parents and headed out to the Apparition spot in the yard. Hearing her name called, she spun to see him heading for her, Ron on his tails. But she was in no mood to be placated so she Apparated away without even a word to him. She locked her Floo and answered no owls.
She knew she'd have to face him the following weekend, at the engagement party. He arrived late and kept to Neville and Hagrid, while she was a whirlwind of socialising and helping her mother. She still felt fragile, feeling as if their relationship – if that is what they had – was teetering, and the next time they talked, it was going to go one way or the other.
They'd all toasted the happy couple, and the party was winding down. Guests had started to leave, and Ginny had avoided Harry as much she could. Their eyes had met often, both filled with questions and confusion.
Ginny had wandered to her mum's garden for a bit of quiet and solitude. Avoiding Harry, yet covertly watching his every movement, had given her a headache. She'd taken a pain potion and taken some time for herself. When she sensed someone approach her, she tensed, expecting Harry. She hadn't expected Dean Thomas.
They exchanged pleasantries and caught up on each other's lives. Deam was making quite a good career with his art, which didn't surprise Ginny at all. What did surprise Ginny was when he asked her out. As she gaped in surprise, from over his shoulder her eyes caught Harry, coming to find her. She saw his eyes narrow as he took in finding her alone with Dean.
Unfortunately, Dean took her silence to be positive, so he moved closer and tried to kiss her. Harry's concerned face turned to one of anger, and he started to run towards them.
Remembering the photos of Harry dancing with Cho, Ginny moved away from Dean, pointing her finger at Harry in anger. "No- Stop! You don't have the RIGHT to be angry."
Dean turned. "Oh, hey Harry. Erm, did you two need –?"
"NO!" yelled Ginny, furiously, as she marched past Harry.
"Ginny, wait," pleaded Harry, grabbing her arm.
She shook him off. "Don't fucking touch me!" She was so angry, beyond angry. She was shaking so hard in her fury.
"Ginny, what – " began Dean, when Harry cut him off. Ginny didn't wait to hear or see anything, she just knew she had to get out of there.
She Apparated to the Lovegood's, where she was staying. Luna and her dad were away, on some expedition or other, and Ginny had agreed to stop in and check on the place, staying overnight in Luna's old bedroom. Even there, though, she couldn't escape Harry, with his face above the bed, along with her own, and Ron, Neville and Hermione's. Friends, forever linked together. She paced the lounge floor.
CRACK. Ginny spun to see Harry Apparate into the lounge. He quickly gathered himself and looked around, looking for her. "Gin," he began in earnest, but she was in no mood to listen.
"You sodding bastard. You had NO RIGHT to interfere in my conversation with Dean," she snapped.
"I know, I just -"
"No, you don't get to say you know! I had to see photos of you with Cho fucking Chang on the front page of the paper, and learn from my mother that you were in St Mungo's. Clearly, if you think that wouldn't piss me RIGHT off, you don't know me at all," she yelled.
"Ginny, it didn't –"
"Obviously, you seem to think you and I are only good for one thing. Today I saw my brother stand up and declare he wanted a future with Hermione. What are we doing, Harry? Fucking? Is that it? Is that all we are?" she demanded from him.
"No!" he gasped, horrified. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "Merlin, I knew I'd bollocks us up."
"Damn right you did," she snapped.
"Yeah, well, you haven't complained before now," he said testily. "You want to get engaged? Want us to be hounded by the press even worse?" he demanded. "Or is it Dean you really want?" he asked coldly.
"You're an arse," shouted Ginny, nearly in tears. "All I have ever wanted is you...and yet you shut me out at all the important things in your life. You're more important to me than some Quidditch match. The least I bloody deserved was an owl letting me know you were back."
"I fucked up, I know. You had that big match, and I had no intention of going to that stupid ball," he said. "Ch-"
Ginny stormed off., "I'm not talking to you about her," she said. "If that's what you want, if she's what you want, then you have no bleeding RIGHT to look hurt when you saw me with Dean. Talking, just talking!"
He stalked after her, grabbing her hand and spinning her around. "Ginny. Ginny, geez, will you bloody listen to me. I get it, okay? I want you. And – I want THAT RIGHT." He kissed her hard and initially she fought him...but he knew her, knew what she liked and soon enough she caved.
It had been too bloody long since they had been together, and she kissed him back, equally hard. They both fought for dominance, with clothes ripping and mouths clashing. "You are mine," he growled, as he Apparated them up to Luna's bedroom.
Their lovemaking was hard and fast, with curses and swearing. As he entered her, Ginny nipped his chest, just above his heart. She lay her flaming, yet wet, cheeks against his smooth skin, somewhat comforted to hear the rhythym of his heartbeart.
His hand cupped her chin. "Look at me," he ordered, so she raised her head. As he plunged in and out of her body, as she arched under him, matching his movements and squeezing internally, he leant down to lick the tears away and kiss her lips. She cried out as he took her over the edge, following her soon after.
They lay together after, she curled into his side, he stroking her hair. This they were good at, this always felt so RIGHT. It was what happened after that was where their troubles lay.
"Ginny," he began softly, "about Cho-"
Ginny cut him off. "No! I won't talk about her while we're in bed," she said stubbornly. "Go to sleep."
There was silence then a wry chuckle. "Yes, dear."
She nudged him, making him wince "Oof!"
"Shut it, you," she said, suddenly bone tired from all the emotion. She fell asleep in no time, unaware he stay awake, content to simply watch her and wonder why he was fucking up the most important thing in the world to him.
He slept late and woke alone. Panicking, he grabbed his boxers and jeans, pulling them on but leaving the fly undone. He went to the loo, then downstairs, where delicious smells were beginning to waft upstairs.
He was content to watch her move from cupboard to oven and back. Sensing him, she looked up and over her shoulder, Luna's borrowed dressing gown falling off one shoulder, looking sexy as hell. "Morning," she said, then returned to the eggs on the stove.
He sauntered over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist and nuzzling her neck. "Good morning," he said huskily, eyeing the breakfast she was preparing. "I've got quite the appetite this morning," he growled, nibbling her neck.
His hands slipped into her robe as she reached up and dragged his mouth down to hers. "Mmm, me too," she agreed. They stayed like that till the smell of burning toast made her pull away with a small cry. "Go make the coffee, stop distracting me," she ordered, waving him away.
He obeyed, and soon they were sitting down, eating. Harry saw her physically stiffen when the paper was delivered, and knew they needed to get it all out on the table.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was in St Mungo's. I was brought in late that night, and I had a concussion. When I woke the next day, I realised your big match against Tutshill was the very next day, and I didn't want to pull you away from that," he said.
Ginny's temper flared but she tampered it down. She knew this was important, this discussion was a long time coming. "It felt like you didn't want me there. I know you had Ron and Hermione, and they're your best friends, but I'm...we..." She broke off, and took a deep breath. "Someone should have told me," she insisted.
"I know, I get that," he said.
"Do you? Do you really? Tell me, what if it had been me who had been injured in a match? Would you want to be called, would you expect someone to let you know?" she asked.
"Yes, of course," he said, instantly. "I-I'm just used to looking after myself, you know. I didn't even want them to call Ron and Hermione, or your parents," he admitted.
Ginny's heart sank at this. "So, despite what we are, whatever that is, you still wouldn't call me if you needed help...for anything," she stated, looking at him. "Is that what you're saying?"
"I-"
"You wouldn't even allow me the RIGHT to worry about you, to care for you, to simply be there for you," she said sadly. She looked at him. "So what do we have, Harry. Is it friends with benefits, because if that's all it is for you, I don't think I can do that anymore."
"No," he said immediately. "You're more than that, of course you are."
"Then let me in, Harry. I want it all, the good and the bad. I don't just want your body, your presence for a few stolen hours," she pleaded.
"How? We barely see each other, and when we do, I can't keep my hands off you," he argued.
She took a breath and moved to sit beside him. "Well, if you want, I-I could live with you at Grimmauld Place. I'd Floo to the Harpy's ground every morning...and I'd be there when you came home at night," she said.
"I thought you had to stay in Wales for the season?" he asked, trying hard not get too hopeful. His heart beat faster.
"I'll be going into my third year, they relax the rules a bit then," she said. "Well, what do you think?" she asked tentatively.
He pulled her to him, his neck burrowed against her neck. "First can I explain about Cho?" he asked.
Immediately she tensed, but nodded, looking up at him. He was reminded of how small she was, but how very RIGHT only she felt in his arms.
"It was really nothing," he said. "I didn't want to go to the bloody thing but Kingsley insisted. I danced the requisite dances with all the society big wigs to keep him happy, then bumped into Cho as I was about to leave. She grabbed me and started dancing. I didn't want to make a scene so I danced with her. We talked, the dance finished, that was it," he said. He brushed a wayward ginger tendril behind her ear. "It's always been you, Gin," he said softly.
She took his hand, as he pulled her onto his lap, burrowing his face in her sweet smelling hair. "I want to share our lives, Harry, it's all I ever wanted," she reiterated, lacing their fingers together.
"Me too. I miss you so much when you're away," he admitted.
So, as soon as the Harpy's season was over, Ginny packed all her belongings in the small flat she leased from the Harpy's and handed the keys over to one of the nervous new rookies. Then she Apparated to an empty Grimmauld Place, spending the morning and afternoon unpacking. She was ready when Harry came home from work, dinner prepared, wine poured and a bath waiting for him, a bath that she was only too happy to share.
Having her there meant everything to Harry. The shadows from his eyes disappeared, and for the first time, with Ginny's encouragement, they began inviting friends to dinner at Grimmauld Place, or met them ar a nice restaurant.
The nightmares still came, for both of them, sometimes out of the blue. But it was better now, to wake and see the other laying next to them, to be able to reach out and touch them. Hold them. Love them.
He was happier and sleeping better, which made him more productive at work. He worried how it would work when the new season started, but they were mindful of each other's schedules and soon settled into a routine as much as they possibly could. She accepted that there would be times he would be away on assignment, or had to work a night shift, and so did he accept that some of her matches were played away and meant overnight or even weekend stays. As long as they came home to each other, and the lines of communications were open, there was now acknowledgement of their commitment to each other. Their friends were very happy for them and somewhat relieved too.
Teddy began to feature more in their lives too. As he got older, he was becoming too much for Andromeda to look after, 24/7. Harry and Ginny took him off his grandmother's hands as often as they could.
It was after one particular weekend that their future was defined. Teddy had been so excited because he'd been invited to a school chum's birthday party. Harry and Ginny were going to take him and Harry would stay to make sure he did no accidental magic in front of his Muggle friends and their parents. Ginny would go and do a grocery shop and pick up a movie for them all to watch that night. They'd probably end up kipping in the lounge, camping style.
All went well, although Teddy was on a bit of a sugar high after the party and devouring his gift bag on the way home. He slid down the bannister, despite repeated warnings not to. Ginny told him off, he stuck his tongue out at her and then proceeded to jump all over the lounge furniture.
Harry had gone out for Muggle pizza for dinner and returned just after Teddy had quietened down. Ginny didn't feel it worth mentioning to Harry, it was natural for a child to be like that after a party, so Fleur had told her often.
After dinner, they told Teddy it was time for a bath then they'd start to watch the movie. Teddy caused quite a ruckus, running and hiding, repeating rude words he'd heard older kids say at the party, not aware of what he was actually saying. Finally, when they caught him and told him off, he threw up and then burst into tears.
A Scourgifying charm later, and a quick cuddle made Teddy feel a little better, and he got into the bath. He wasn't as boisterous now, and he finished his bath and got dressed in his pyjamas, before throwing up again.
"All that Muggle sugar," grimaced Harry, Summoning a clean pair of pyjamas.
Ginny agreed, cuddling the small boy on her lap. He stayed there while they started the movie, falling asleep quite soon into it.
He vomited once again, and Ginny and Harry decided to take it in turns watching over him for the night. Harry got to sleep first, and he fell asleep listening to Ginny sing a soft lullaby that lulled both him and Teddy to dreamland.
He woke and checked the time, dismayed to find it was early morning. Had Ginny fallen asleep too? A quick check showed Teddy sleeping well , his cheeks not flushed but healthy looking. Ginny wasn't around, but he saw the light on in the kitchen.
He leaned against the door jamb, simply watching her. Her hair was messy and slipping out of her pony tail. There were dark smudges under her eyes from lack of sleep and a faint smell of vomit on her, but to Harry, she had never looked more beautiful. She lifted a steaming cup of tea to her lips and sipped it, closing her eyes appreciatively. She was all he ever wanted.
"Marry me," he said.
She opened her eyes and met his. Saw the love, the devotion, the appreciation, the desire. She hoped he saw it reflected in her eyes.
"Yes," she said.
He grinned, and she grinned back. There was no fancy proposal, not now, not this time. He didn't even have a ring, but he knew she'd understand, as only she could. This, this was the RIGHT time for them. Later there would be the big announcement and the big party, but not now, not yet.
"Harry? Gin?" called a sleepy Teddy. "Where are you?"
"We're coming, Teddy," called Harry, but instead of heading back to the lounge, he pushed off the jamb, moving into the kitchen.
She met him half way, encircling her arms around his neck and meeting him for a kiss. "I love you," she said softly.
"I love you," he told her, delighted to see that blazing look in her eyes," and you've made me the happiest man in the world."
"Harry?" called Teddy.
Ginny released him and gestured for him to go. "All RIGHT?" he asked her.
She nodded. "All RIGHT," she agreed.
And they were.