Disclaimer: The only Heero I have is my cat and he spells it Hiro. GW is so not mine and so not filling my empty pockets. Not that this'll stop anything should Sunrise/Bandai decide it's worth pursuing me for my pocket lint...

Characters: main - Wufei, bit players - Duo, Quatre, and Heero
Content: incredibly mild language, probing joke(s), utter silliness
Part Summary: Duo's had an interesting experience, much to Wufei's disgust.
Word Count: 993
Archive: ask please
Concrit: welcome, but this was just a quick, half-asleep silly, really.
Notes: ::facepalm:: Written for LJ comm gw500 prompt 215 - abduction. Will be updated once a day until all six parts are up!

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COFFEE & DOUGHNUTS
part i: Brainwashing or Something
by McJ

"You honestly expect us to believe that a strange craft came down from space and transported you aboard so these...aliens, as you insist on calling them...could conduct experiments-"

"Evil, butt-probing experiments! I think they were trying to brainwash me or something."

Wufei frowned at the interruption, hoping Duo read every bit of his annoyance in the scowl. He held his arms crossed tightly across his chest mostly to keep himself from physically lashing out at the largest remaining irritant in his life. Contenting himself with imagining just how easily that long braid could be used as a deadly weapon against its owner, Wufei rewound his words a little then continued as if Duo had not spoken, "-could conduct experiments on you?"

"Why would they probe your butt to brainwash you?" Quatre asked, looking entirely too taken in by Duo's story, as well as utterly confused by the notion Duo had put forth with his horribly constructed interjection. The spoon he used to stir cream into his coffee clicked against the sides of the unadorned white ceramic mug – it was almost as irritating as Duo's insane claim, which was only the latest in a long line of them.

"Because, obviously, that's where his brain can be found," Wufei snarled, throwing his hands upward as if to wash himself of the whole situation. He spun on his toes, heading toward the door of the break room, forgetting his desire for coffee and an apple fritter. Yanking open the door and letting the usual busy background hum of Preventers HQ filter into the otherwise normally quiet sanctuary, Wufei jerked his chin back over his shoulder. With narrowed eyes and gritted teeth, he let his displeasure be heard one last time. "This is foolishness, Maxwell! Absolute drivel. You'd best come up with a better excuse than alien abduction to explain your absence from work for the past week."

Before anything more could be said that might try his patience further and ignoring the stunned yet somehow pleased look on Duo's face, Wufei stepped into the hall and slammed the door behind him. It was not much of a release, but it was better than nothing. Decidedly better than smacking Duo around in the workplace. That would not have gone over particularly well with most everyone he could think of – Wufei still believed Duo's large following of friendly acquaintances were actually a cult, no matter what the others said.

A cult that would buy into aliens probing Duo's posterior for a week in an attempt to brainwash him. Or something.

Cursing under his breath, Wufei stalked back to his desk and sat with a finality that said he had no intentions of moving for anything less than large bomb placed under his chair. Maybe not even then. A small one would perhaps gain a lift of his brow, but nothing more. Wincing at the headache that threatened after his encounter with Duo, he set his head in his palms and considered setting his hair free of its habitual face-stretching restraint to calm it. However, instead, he found himself staring down at a manila folder that had not been there before. It was set right between his elbows in the very center of his blotter.

The aforementioned lift of brow occurred for an entirely different reason now. Wufei eyed the folder suspiciously as he sat straight again, leaning against the hard wooden slats that made up the back of his chair. A sense of foreboding filled him, growing worse the longer he watched the unmoving folder. It was not often that he had these moments of total precognitive clarity, but his instincts were currently dancing an eye-catching tango with his sense of self-preservation and he knew without doubt opening that folder spelled his doom. The capital letter kind of Doom, even.

"Are you going to look at it?"

It was obvious who was speaking not just because he recognized the voice, but also because the overhead lighting cast the shadow of a messy mop of hair across the left end of his desk. He caught it in his peripheral vision, not wanting to give the folder a chance to jump at him and take him off guard the moment he looked away. "I am looking at it."

"I meant as in the act of opening it."

He cautiously shifted his gaze to find Heero standing at the edge of the desk, as surmised, expression as impassive as ever. "I don't want to," he replied truthfully, setting his eyes back on watch against the folder's villainous wiles. "I'm vaguely concerned about its contents and what they might be ordering me to do."

"Only vaguely?"

"All right, deeply." Wufei sighed and let his shoulders slump no more than a few millimeters when the only response was Heero's amused snort. "Fine, but if it's bad, it's your fault and you're going down with me."

With much more cliffhanging drama than it truly warranted, Wufei slowly reached out to catch the top edge of the folder between his fingers. The choice of actually flipping it open quickly or slowly teasing it open for view was an easy one – it always hurt less to rip a bandage off in one fell swoop than to let it linger. He leaned forward and perused the top sheet, his apprehension turning to a low, bubbling fury that made his left eye twitch. A low growl emanated from his throat as he bared his teeth like a highly antagonized Chihuahua.

Beside him, Heero huffed and grumbled. "It can't possibly be that bad."

Suddenly, Wufei felt a blanket of unexpected calm drape over him, smothering the fire with alacrity. He turned a beneficent smile on Heero, closing the folder and handing it to him. "It's your turn. I've already spoken to the primary victim. He claims the suspects used a new brainwashing technique on him. Please, let me know all about your findings."

FIN (of part i)