Tears Of Pain
SillyIsabella
I sat down on the floor slowly, very slowly. Breathing was difficult again and I gasped for air. I knew that technically I didn't need it, but I had gotten used to the stabbing feeling. I allowed myself to slip to the floor, pressing mi heart, or what should be my heart, with both hands. It hurt.I felt needles, stabbing me from every side, pulling me under the surface of reasoning, pulling me more and more. I felt as if my heart had cracked, and it was more than a metaphorical way of illustrating my agony. I whimpered in pain, praying to any all-mighty being, living up there in the sky to put end to my suffering, to return Bella to my arms.
Bella.
Her face appeared in my mind like a message from god, blessing me, even if I didn't deserve it. Peace washed over me as I stared into my angel's brown, huge eyes. I started breathing again, painfully, the trembling stopped slowly and the needles stopped playing with my heart.
I could see her eyes, and there was love in them, unconditional love. She was trying to tell me something, I knew it. If only I could hear what she was thinking, but as always, her mind remained a mystery to me.
'You don't love me'.
The accusation hit me as a slap on the face, making me dizzy. The love in her eyes disappeared, and was replaced by pain. The same pain I had seen in them, when I had lied to her, telling her I didn't love her anymore. How could she have believed that? Couldn't she understand there was no way I would not love her?
The scene in the forest replayed in my mind yet again and I wondered if my memory was ever going to give me a break from that pain, from seeing and feeling my angel's heart shatter into a thousand pieces because of me. Because of the monster I was.
'NO!' I cried out, collapsing again 'I love you, I do, please Bella, please, forgive me'. I was barely whispering now, and I could only hope she would listen, that she would understand.
I finally let myself go, be pulled by the misery and the pain towards a deeper and darker place, and I wished, even if it was my final wish, that she would be happy and safe.
"Bella I don't want you to come with me" The words came out slowly, even if it hadn't been my intention. It hurt to make myself speak each one of them, to now the effect of them. She stared at me, and I believed she was going to see right through my lies. I kept my expression as convincing as I could, although I doubted she would fall for it. Then her expression went blank and she finally opened her mouth to speak.
"You… don't… want me?" That was enough to break my heart in two, and her confused look made me have to battle off the need to hug her, to hold her close, to tell her everything was alright, to kiss her lips, to reassure her I would keep her safe from any harm. Instead I collected all my strength and reduced my answer to a simple word, for it to be easier to say.
"No." I stared into her eyes, and she stared back. I saw her pain and felt it triplicate in my heart, how could I be doing this to her? For her, I answered myself. For her to be happy, for her to be safe.
"Well, that changes things" I felt as if she had slapped me on the face. Was my stubborn difficult Bella going to accept this so easily?
'She's not Bella, not really' a voice whispered into my ear and as I stared at her I knew it was true. The life her eyes always held was not there anymore, there was no shine of intuition, no thoughts running through her head. She was…No, she will be fine, time will heal her wounds and put me in her past. I looked away from her face. I couldn't look at her, not like this…
Pain.
Cold.
Hate.
Fear.
Anger.
Helplessness.
Confusion.
Loneliness.
Love.
I shacked violently. Sobs broke out through my throat. Now more than ever I wished I was human, so I could slip to unconsciousness, stop thinking, dream of Bella. Her smile, her soft and warm touch, her beautiful scent. But my mind and my flawless memory did not leave me in peace.
'Please', I whispered softly, 'please angel, forgive me'.
I know it's short but I had it wondering around for quite some time and finally decided to upload it. I tried to make a story out of it but soon discovered it was meant to stand by it's own. I really think nobody has actually gone into how Edward felt during New Moon. I think it was so much more difficult for him than it was for Bella, since he knew Bella loved him and that it was his decision to leave her, and his decision to go back, but he didn't do it because he loved her. How easy can that be, huh?